Partner leaves after 16 years of relationship

[mtd4249]

It has been 5 months now since my ex left me. I'm 41 and she is 36, and we had been together for 16 years. Over that time, we had gone so far together - we had built two new houses (one just 3 years ago) and built so many memories together through travels around the world. About 5 years ago, we moved interstate to secure a good job for me but this was a move away from her family and mine. In the years between moving and now, there were some stresses - for instance, she had problems with her new job, we had the stress of building a new house, we both had some health problems, and her favourite dog died last year. But, we had managed to get to a point where she could give up work and start a family. We had never separated before and there were no arguments - but as it turns out the no arguments were a sign that she was not a good communicator. Then one day (the day after her 36th birthday) she came home and said she needed space. She took 3 months' leave from her job and the following week went back to the city from where we came to be with family, under the pretence she was coming back after 3 months. As soon as she got there, she started drinking heavily, nightclubbing, spening money on things she didn't need, changing her hairstyle, was very distant, was saying the cliche things to me like "i love you but not in love with you" and "I settled down to young". I even sent her flowers and a necklace in the first week she was away but she told me I was trying to manipulate her! After two weeks, I found out she had met some random guy online and was having a phone sex fling with him. From there it was downhill and she never returned -- we're now splitting assets and that's the end of 16 years!!

For me the depression has been exacerbated by the fact that I never gained too many friends in this new city since moving here (I focused all my energy on her), I have no family here and everything reminds me of her (from the house I'm living in that we designed and built 3 years ago to the places in town we would visit). Even going through the photo albums to work out the photos I wanted was just too painful -- I couldn't physically bring myself to do it.I realize I over-invested in her - she was my partner and my best friend, and I would have done anything for her. I acknowledge that the relationship fell into a rut (what relationship of 16 years hasn't?!?) and another reason why she left was she missed her family. But both are cop outs - neither are insurmountable issues in a relationship. The problem was she was not a good communicator. We never argued and there was no sign this was coming until the night she came home and said she was leaving.

It's become clear that she is going through a major midlife crisis meltdown. She is seeking "happiness" -- maybe she will find that happiness but what isn't easy to find (and what only time will tell) is a man who after 16 years had never cheated, never considered another woman, didn't abuse her and always put her first!

I'm not posting this with any specific questions in mind but I'd be interested to hear from people whose partners have done similar things.

[Exit]

I agree with you 100% on your diagnosis of the situation. If you are in a relationship and you want things to work, you need to communicate before you get to the point of already having one foot out the door. My ex (of only 8 months, compared to your 16 years!) has revealed post-breakup that she had written me letters last year where she was worried about our relationship, and she never gave them to me. She actually finally gave me one the other day -- not that it does a lot of good now. I've told her what a shame... maybe one letter or one conversation a little earlier in the relationship could have saved us, but instead she chose to just let things crumble around us and then break up. How lovely.

 

Some people expect mind-reading in relationships. They expect you to notice the signs of their unhappiness. And hey, we all like that from time to time, for someone to notice something is wrong without us having to spell it out for them. But being in love doesn't mean you have super-human powers, and you can't expect someone to read your mind. All you can expect out of love, is that if you do find yourself unhappy, if you sit your partner down and tell them what is bothering you, you hope they will care enough to address the issue and make things right. That is all you can realistically ask for. To expect someone to know what to do without any input is immature.

 

Pat yourself on the back for being strong, many of us are here moping and crying over short-lived relationships. You sound like you're pretty well holding things together despite your loss.

 

And you've got the right state of mind, loyal guys are not easy to come by these days. She's the one missing out, not you.

 

It sounds like you haven't done too much pursuing since the initial flowers and necklace, and that is for the best. All you can do is let her go, it's such a cliche, but it's true. They either need to find their way back on their own, or they never return, in which case they were not the right person anyway.

 

It's tough not having friends in your new town but it's easier than ever to meet new people with technology and everything else. Or just try to find things to do in the community, volunteer, find places to meet people, whatever.

 

You are right, she may have had some valid issues, but none of them were impossible to get over for the sake of the relationship. Truthfully, very few things present "insurmountable" challenges to two people who are truly in love. People can get through some crazy stuff when they are really in love. She folded and gave up for just a few simple reasons.

 

It sounds kinda late in life for her to be behaving in this manner, you usually hear of 20-something year old girls thinking the grass is greener elsewhere and running from relationships. She should be getting ready to settle down at that age.

 

Either she'll find what she thinks she is so desperately missing, or she'll realize what a fool she has been. But in either case, it's just best to leave her alone. Try to make friends, or take up a hobby, anything to make your own life more fulfulling while she is gone. Instead of looking at it as a punishment and giving her that satisfaction, take this time to make improvements to your own life.

 

Despite the fact that she chose to leave, she still has a mind and a heart, and 16 years is a lot to anyone. She will find herself thinking about it as well.

 

Hope it all works out.

Edited June 19, 2011 by Exit

[EgoJoe]

See a therapist,, see a lawyer and see a friend. Don't turn to alcohol.

 

We are all here for you. Post here instead of contacting her.

[mtd4249]

EgoJoe and Exit - thanks for the responses and the support.

 

EgoJoe - I have seen a lawyer and I will always remember the day sitting in the lawyer's office and breaking down 16 years of relationship to nothing more than dollars and cents. Perhaps that's too sentimental, but if you truly love someone then a relationship (successful or otherwise) is more than about money. I have never been an alcohol drinker and in the past 2 years I was diagnosed with stomach ulcers, so constant alcohol consumption is not a good idea. In fact, over the past 5 months I've only had a couple of drinks when I went out with a friend.

 

I have gone NC with her for a couple of months. She returned to this town at the beginning of April to quit her job here in person before returning to the other state again and I decided not to see her - I felt there was nothing to talk about if she had made her mind up not to come back. When I asked questions, I only got "I don't know why" or "My mind is made up", so I figured it would be the same if I saw her. If she was coming back to stay for 6 or 12 months to see if things could work, then I always had the door open for her. In the end, I boxed her clothes and left them on the curb for her to collect! I didn't want to see her again and say goodbye to her again. I still remember the day I said goodbye to her at the airport 5 months ago and I didn't need to say goodbye to the person I loved twice!!

 

I was keeping up NC but then on Friday she contacted me on Facebook and asked me how I was and how the dogs are, then tonight she contacts me again and tells me that deep down she will always care about what happens to me.

 

I should say that she is not a bad or nasty person - I wouldn't have been with her for 16 years otherwise. Something in her head has sent her suddenly off the rails - call it a midlife crisis or what you will, but almost certainly it is impermanent and she will eventually hit the ground. That deep down care she has will probably become more powerful and, as you say Exit, 16 years is a long time and inevitably she will find herself thinking about it. And the key thing is that I didn't do anything wrong to her, so I fully expect at some stage she will wonder if her life was that bad before and if it's too late to reassemble it with me. It would be a completely different story if she left because I was cheating or abusive .... she might find another relationship and like most relationships that will be good for sometime but as soon as it hits a rocky patch she will almost certainly realize that even after the big change and leaving me she's still not perfectly happy. I have realized that starting all over again is not ideal - sure it's exciting at the start of a new relationship but you don't have the same foundations you do after 16 years together.

 

Exit, you are so right about the importance of communication - the fact your ex wrote letters that she never gave you seems counter-intuitive. Not communicating is so dishonest - dishonest to us and dishonest to themselves. And the whole mind reading thing is (as you say) immature and the easy option for someone who can't communicate. My ex has since the breakup said things to me like "you should have picked up on the hints" - of course, the flipside of that coin is she could have been explicit! What I have learnt from this is the importance of communication and I will never assume that no arguments or a non-complaining partner is the sign of a healthy relationship. We service our cars every 6-12 months but we rarely (if ever) service our relationships. In future, I'll be picking a specific date (eg. New Years Eve) to service the relationship over a nice dinner or something - find out what's working, what's not working and plan ahead for the next year (plan what to do to change things for the better as well as fun things like a vacation) -- and then 6 months later check how things are running.

 

She is now living in a completely different state to me, so seeing her isn't a risk and I have faced the fact it's over - for the first 3 months she was away (January - March) there was some hope she might come back as she originally promised and I always kept the door open for her despite her pushing me away. But the realization that things are dead came in April when she came back to quit her job and to then return to the other state - it was then abundantly clear that she had given up. And what still and always seems illogical is that she folded on the relationship without even giving it a chance and trying to iron out relatively minor issues - personally, if I was her, I would have tried and then if it failed at least then you wouldn't live with "what ifs" and you could have some closure.

 

Exit, you make a good point I also thought about - at her age she should be settling down. She wanted a family and we were in the perfect position to start one this year. In the initial stages after she left, when she would say things like "I want to live life to the fullest" and "I settled down to young", I would say to her "That doesn't then make logical sense to unsettle too old"!! I'd try to talk common sense to her, such as pointing out the fact that if she still wants to have a family she needs to find a guy to whom she can commit (and, importantly, who is willing to commit to her), work out that he is a good enough person to have children with (and, importantly, he has to be on the same page and want to have children with her), and do this fairly quickly since her biological clock is ticking fast. Seems illogical to throw out a committed, family-oriented man after 16 years to throw yourself on the singles scene and hope you find another good man. Of course, I was talking common sense to someone whose mind wasn't hearing things that made sense.

 

I have to say, this is my second long-term relationship that has failed. The first one last 7 years until my then partner cheated on me - I always figured that if you did the right thing to someone they would do the right thing to you. I like to think of that as mutual respect but as my two relationship experiences show, that's not the case. I could have done the wrong thing and ended up with the same result -- but, at least, my honour remains in place!

 

Thanks again for replying and the support. I hope your own personal situations are mending.

[bikinibeach]

those are some long term rships!

 

i'm curious if you were married at any point....?

[mtd4249]

Hello bikinibeach -- yep, they are both long-term relationships and, in fact, most of my adult life has involved a committed relationship (all except for 1 year between the first and second relationship).

On neither occasion was I married but not because I was afraid of commitment -- in fact, it could be said that being in relationships of this length is the definition of commitment. The relationship of 7 years was from the age of 18 to 25 and, while I was fully committed to the girl, I was young and really didn't think too much about marriage. During those years, I was focused on finishing my university studies and getting a job. In the relationship of 16 years, the girl never actually talked about marriage and in my head the real sign of commitment was not a one-day ritual followed by a honeymoon but being faithful and committed to her from year to year. She would even say things like marriage wouldn't change anything, except the bank balance, so when I heard things like that I was lead to believe she was happy. But, as it turns out, she couldn't communicate what she was actually thinking about anything in the relationship and maybe she was saying one thing and thinking another .... *shrugs*

[GreenPolicy]

 

Not communicating is so dishonest - dishonest to us and dishonest to themselves. And the whole mind reading thing is (as you say) immature and the easy option for someone who can't communicate.

 

And what still and always seems illogical is that she folded on the relationship without even giving it a chance and trying to iron out relatively minor issues - personally, if I was her, I would have tried and then if it failed at least then you wouldn't live with "what ifs" and you could have some closure.

 

If you are in a relationship and you want things to work, you need to communicate before you get to the point of already having one foot out the door.

 

 

Feel your pain, guys. I was with my ex for 11.5 months. She told me when we began dating that she'd had only two previous relationships last as long as a year (I was 32 and she was 30 when we began dating.) Looking back, it was a wonderful relationship. I was the first guy she introduced to her biological father after she had nothing to do with him for years (he abandoned her mom when she was pregnant and told her to get an abortion). She sat her parents down and told them I was The One, different from every guy she'd ever dated and we were getting married.

 

6 Weeks before D-Day: emails me suggestions for wedding ceremony and reception venues

One Month before D-Day: tells me we need to arrange a dinner between her parents and mine because her parents don't want to wait until the wedding to meet mine

Two Weeks before D-Day: we go to look at wedding bands together so I'd know what kind of ring to get her

Five Days before D-Day: she tells me in an email what kind of engagement ring she wants.

 

She never communicated any dissatisfaction with me or the relationship. I know that I wasn't perfect. If you spend a year of your life and countless hours with somebody, you won't always say the right thing. Sometimes you'll get on their nerves. But I was open and honest and doing my part to create a committed relationship that would last.

 

I know that ultimately it's her right to leave me and I have to abide by her wishes. I just know that if the shoe were on the other foot, my conscience would be killing me for hurting somebody so bad.

[mtd4249]

GreenPolicy -- thanks for your post. It sounds like your breakup is only something that has happened in recent weeks? From my experience, you don't have to do something wrong for someone to be "unhappy" and leave you. Naturally, when someone does leave you, you tend to blame yourself and look for things that you did wrong - it is easier to reconcile someone leaving you with doing some wrong than not doing something wrong. With the wedding plans you talk about, virtually right up until the end of your relationship, it makes me wonder if she got afraid of commitment? You mention she only had two relatively short-term relationships in the past and maybe there was a commitment issue there too. Do you think communication was a problem? I noticed that some of the communication from her about the wedding was through email .... and in this age, we all use it for convenience. We can email a partner at work when it might not be possible to call them and it then becomes a substitute for actual inter-personal communication. I know my ex and I were guilty of this. But, email was originally conceived as a way of business communication .... it's so impersonal.

"The shoe on the other foot" point is pertinent -- I believe the best way to live life is to treat others the way you want to be treated. My conscience would also be killing me if I did to my ex what she did to me .... eventually, I think most people who hurt someone else will feel guilty. A good analogy is the dog who didn't deliberately do anything wrong but you kick it ... eventually you feel so guilty for kicking an innocent creature! When you're the one being kicked, it hurts and hurts real bad -- for me, after 16 years with the person who was my partner and best friend, it is the most painful experience. But, assuming that pain lifts as time passes, I may have regrets about what might have been but I won't have the guilt. She will probably carry both regret and guilt - as will your ex.

[thelovingkind]

I just wanted to say that for all the pain and despair that you're going through and express here, mtd, there's a kind of gripping confidence to the way you write about all this that I find really inspiring. I hope that if I'm ever in your position, and evidently it can be sprung upon us all, that I have the kind of strength of mind and perspective you do

[mtd4249]

thelovingkind -- thank you for the warm words. I am trying to stay strong, keep a clear head and think long. But, of course, there are times when that strength is a veneer -- times when I look and sound okay on the outside, but on the inside it feels like I'm dead! It's hard to keep things in perspective some days but I keep telling myself that things can only get better. I, too, hope you're never in my position and, if you are, that you see it coming .... at least, if you see the bus coming you can jump out of the way and get a few cuts & bruises rather than taking the hit head on! Take care.

[GreenPolicy]

GreenPolicy -- thanks for your post. It sounds like your breakup is only something that has happened in recent weeks? From my experience, you don't have to do something wrong for someone to be "unhappy" and leave you. Naturally, when someone does leave you, you tend to blame yourself and look for things that you did wrong - it is easier to reconcile someone leaving you with doing some wrong than not doing something wrong. With the wedding plans you talk about, virtually right up until the end of your relationship, it makes me wonder if she got afraid of commitment? You mention she only had two relatively short-term relationships in the past and maybe there was a commitment issue there too. Do you think communication was a problem? I noticed that some of the communication from her about the wedding was through email .... and in this age, we all use it for convenience. We can email a partner at work when it might not be possible to call them and it then becomes a substitute for actual inter-personal communication. I know my ex and I were guilty of this. But, email was originally conceived as a way of business communication .... it's so impersonal.

"The shoe on the other foot" point is pertinent -- I believe the best way to live life is to treat others the way you want to be treated. My conscience would also be killing me if I did to my ex what she did to me .... eventually, I think most people who hurt someone else will feel guilty. A good analogy is the dog who didn't deliberately do anything wrong but you kick it ... eventually you feel so guilty for kicking an innocent creature! When you're the one being kicked, it hurts and hurts real bad -- for me, after 16 years with the person who was my partner and best friend, it is the most painful experience. But, assuming that pain lifts as time passes, I may have regrets about what might have been but I won't have the guilt. She will probably carry both regret and guilt - as will your ex.

 

Nah, it happened last fall. It's been 8 months, and I'm feeling better, but I wouldn't say I'm anywhere close to being completely healed. I obviously in retrospect think communication was a problem. If there was something I was doing that she didn't care for, if there were things going on in our relationship that she didn't like or wanted to change, she never bothered to tell me.

 

Thing is, there was nothing really on my end that I felt I needed to bring up or address. Things seemed well on the whole. We were both easygoing, laidback Type B personalities, so nothing she did was every worth making a big stink about or having a long, drawn-out conversation. I was very happy with her. We talked about the wedding plenty in person, but those things I mentioned are things I have in actual writing that I can point to as her continuing to talk about the wedding, rather than rely on hazy memory such as "Well, it was only a few weeks before the wedding that she said to me..."