Tried to start NC then blew up at ex with false accusation, now feeling ashamed

[June16]

Hi everyone ( I know this post is super long but please finish reading it since I'm in desperate need for some insight),

 

I broke up my ex-boyfriend a week ago due to his daily logging into a dating website (he hasn't put up any photos in his profile though). We met on this dating website 1.5 years ago and 3 months into the relationship, I found out he posted a new photo in his profile. At the 3-month mark, I passed an once-a-year exam but he failed and he thought i would break up with him someday but I ensured him it was no big deal and he was being too insecure.

 

After confronting him about it, he closed the old account but has used another 2 different accounts since then, without putting up any photos on there.

 

I'm the kinda person once my trust in someone gets betrayed, it will be very hard for me to fully trust that person again.

 

I then got very paranoid about things like if he didn't call me back within 2-3 hours at night, I would think he was out on date with other girls. I never called him at work and I think I gave him enough space. He was usually the one that calls me.

 

Another problem that has caused the trust issue is that he always has his phone on silent whether when he's with me or by himself at home. So almost every time i called him, he wouldn't answer the phone right away but instead he would call me back in 15mins to 3 hours. So whenever the lagging period got longer than 2 hours on a friday night, I would get really paranoid and think he must be out with other girls.

 

He actually doesn't have many friends and spends lots of time on the internet. He doesn't go to the clubs or hang out with colleagues either.

 

As time went by I actually got used to waiting for him to call me back. I would only get paranoid about it when things weren't going well for us because I believed he was on that dating website to find other girls once we don't work out. And I got very stressed about it.

 

We had this huge argument on the friday night a week ago. I was feeling down and he didn't want to console me. When I called him again around 9pm, nobody answered. And at around 11pm, he still didn't call me back. Once again, i think he was meeting some girl behind my back because it was a friday night. It was just for the whole week he didn't call until after 12am which made me feel suspicious that he might be talking to other girls on the phone. I knew sometimes he calls his family and i did understand it. But i just couldn't see he could be calling his mom every night for a few days.

 

I called him about 20 times and sent like 20 msgs ( I know this was crazy but he made me this way) and then he got really annoyed. Things like this also happened a few times at the beginning of this year, all on friday nights and I've been trying to control it since. Basically everything was under control until last week coz we were both busy with exams.

 

After that argument, I apologized for saying hurtful things to him on MSN. He didn't feel like talking to me for the whole next week. I sent him a msg on Wednesday telling him I always got paranoid because I found out he was still checking that dating website so I couldn't help let my imagination run wild when he didn't call me back within 3 hours. And on thursday, I found he logged in again so I was furious and packed all his stuff including my birthday gift from him and dropped them outside of his apartment.

 

Things just keep getting worse from there. When i was ready to go to bed on that night, I started missing him and regreted what I did and felt I must have hurt his feelings so bad by returning his stuff in such a cold way. So i started apologizing again and said I really wanted to sit down and talk to him about our problems.

 

Fast forward to what happened saturday afternoon. I called him on friday night to see if he would be up for a meet up over the weekend. He was still mad at me and said he didn't know if he could do it over the weekend.

 

I woke up on saturday and was determined to start NC. Then he called, I didn't pick up. I called back in about 20 mins but couldn't get through his phone. It sounded like he was hanging up on me but actually turned out he was in the subway.

 

Then i let my imagination took the best of me again. I've always suspected he was getting close to another girl whom he sometimes talks with on the phone at late night. And covering her name with some random word in his phone just added to my suspicion. So I thought he was riding the subway to get to her place and would spend the weekend with her since we just broke up. My ex didn't spend vday night with me and for a few times he just said he didn't want to come over to my place over the weekend ( we always spent the weekend together). I understood he was tired from work and it would be unreasonable for me to ask him to spend every single weekend with me. But the fact that he didn't spend vday night with me just made me believe more that someone else was there.

 

The thing is I'm ok with my ex calling those female friends I know as well and I never told him not to make any new friends. I only have problem when he doesn't call me back within like 2-3 hours at night coz I thought he could be talking to girls on the dating site.

 

Since I was sooo determined that he went to that girl's place on saturday night, I then started accusing him of cheating. I said I knew he had always had someone else on the side and then I texted some really rude things to him calling him a coward and cheating B*****d, and said how faithful I've been through the entire time and he wasn't half the man he wanted to be. I also texted I didn't want to have him back in my life forever. Then bomb, he called back and said he went to his office to print something out. ( I think it was true coz he needed to print out some immigration documentations for his parents.) I felt so ashamed of myself for accusing him without hard evidence and calling him those nasty words via SMS. I was sure that I had ruined all chances of getting back together because he said he didn't have anything to say anymore. I then texted him sorry for the hurtful words i sent and that i would just disappear from his life.

 

He called afterwards but I was too ashamed to talk to him. I knew everything was over.

 

But then i figured if he had never updated his profile or kept logging into the dating website, things wouldn't have turned this way. I just think at some point in the relationship, he became distant and stopped communicating with me. Maybe he figured out I wasn't the right one for him so he turned to the site again to look for Miss right. But when i confronted him about whether he's been logging in, he just denied it completely.

 

I just don't know what I can do at this point since things are so messed up. I don't think I would beg him to come back coz I don't feel taken seriously. I've talked about marriage with him once, which might have scared him off. But i just felt that I could have ended things in a better way without the accusation of cheating and angry msgs. That way, he would probably have more respect for me . Now I think he must think I am crazy ( I think he made me crazy) and he would be better off without me.

 

I will start NC from tomorrow. Should I answer the phone in case he calls in the future? I don't think he would be interested in having a serious relationship with me ever since he never did in the first place. But i'm still wondering if there's still any chance that he could miss me after he cools off and remembers how good I have been to him.

 

I think deep down i still have a little hope of getting back together with him but I will just make him do all the chasing next time around. However i don't think I will ever overcome the trust issue in the long run so maybe I'm better off without him?

 

I just feel I messed up big time and kind of feel selfish and shameful for what I said to him and I could never say those words to him face to face. I think I did something so unreasonable and he has a right to be mad at me.

 

Thanks for reading guys!!!!

[Exit]

Eh.... we've all been there before where we blow up about something and make an accusation and then we end up looking stupid. Just this week with my ex, we are still in touch, I helped her with some car trouble one day and she kissed me for the first time in a while and said I deserved it for rescuing her. We agreed we could do something later that night. I tried calling her at 6 and she didn't answer. So throughout the night I called a bunch, sent her texts asking "why are you doing this to me after I just helped you out" and stuff like that, and at 1:30am I got a response from her saying she had fallen asleep and was just gonna go back to bed. I came very close to doing the same thing you did, I figured she went out with the other guy who has been in and out of the picture while her and I have still been talking, my imagination ran away with me and I was starting to get really upset thinking she wasn't answering on purpose. I got so stressed out and upset that night and it was all for nothing because she was home sleeping. I came very very close to sending her texts telling her to get out of my life or whatever, and I'm very glad that I stopped myself from getting to that point.

 

Now I know many people may just tell you to maintain NC, but here is my opinion, and this is simply what I would do, take it or leave it. IF he does try to call again, I would talk to him and ask for the chance to explain the other night. Not necessarily "apologize" because I told you in your other thread, you do too much apologizing to someone who was distant in your relationship and was disrespectful by having an online dating profile. So don't let him look like the victim again. Connect your behaviors back to the things that he has done wrong... say you flew off the handle and went overboard worrying about why he wasn't answering BECAUSE those doubts had been planted in your head by the things he had done during your relationship. It's a fine line to walk... don't turn it into one big blame-fest against him, but don't make yourself look like the monster either. Just calmly say you feel foolish for the texts you sent the other night, but explain that those paranoid thoughts run away with you because he hasn't always seemed entirely interested in you.

 

But that is just my take and what I would do. Maybe NC would be for the best right now. Or if he calls, if you don't want to say it over the phone, ask him if he would read an email if you send him one, and do the explaining in there.

 

I would at least want to clarify my behaviors for the other night before initiating the NC, but if you think the situation is too far gone, it may not be worth it.

 

You're on the right track, reminding yourself that you only get so worried and paranoid because this guy has done shady things while you were together. It's not that you're just out of your mind or overly jealous. He has given you reasons to doubt him like that, and that's his fault, not yours. He also creates these types of situations by not answering his phone and leaving it on silent, my ex is the same damn way. Here the other day she was able to reach me when she was having car trouble because I actually leave my phone on, and how many times have I asked her to do the same courtesy for me in case there is an emergency, but she still doesn't answer most of the time.

 

So see if you get the opportunity to explain yourself, but don't initiate the contact, see if he tries to again. If nothing else, lesson learned... it's easy to get paranoid and worried.... but it's easier to control your emotions and not say something you'll regret than it is to lose your temper and end up having to repair it later. So next time you are mad or worried about something, just put your phone away.

Edited June 19, 2011 by Exit

[June16]

Hey Exit,

 

Thank you soooo much for following my story and giving me your view on it.

 

Today is day 1 for NC. I think if after 1.5 years together he is still looking, he definitely doesn't see me as "the one".

 

I've brought up this problem to him so many times before, so if he is still doing it, then that just means he doesn't care about this relationship at all.

 

And I certainly can't spend the rest of my life with someone who always puts his phone on silent. Just like you said, what if there is an emergency.

 

So I'll just focus on myself for now and will train myself to control my emotion better. I will just leave the past in the past.