Sigh, time to break the cycle?

[Exit]

Got dumped in mid March. Had been together about 8 months. Really great relationship, connected on so many levels, but we started to argue a lot and other areas of our lives were stressing us out and she bailed. But we've been in touch this entire time. She still brought me around her family for Easter, Mother's Day, etc, and we acted like a couple. We'd hang out and watch TV, for a while we still fooled around. Intermingled among these good days were days where I would tell her if we're still acting like this we should officially be back together, led to arguments, crying, saying goodbyes, and starting all over. And I knew these conversations I was initiating were just ruining my chances, but I felt like why should we be doing all this and still not be back together?

 

For the last few weeks, the intensity has been dialed down. We haven't actually been hanging out, at most we will stop by each other's places and talk in the car. But the negatives have cooled off too, we haven't had a huge arguments or had any crying for a while now either. We're both really enjoying that we are back to being civil with each other. We haven't been physical and she says she wants to wait until she is sure, but just recently she's been willing to kiss me again, starting on one day where I came to help her when her car wouldn't start and she said I deserved the kiss. But it wasn't a friendly peck, we were really kissing again. Last weekend we went and got dinner together and she insisted on paying for mine even though I had my money ready to go. Then the day after that we just had another "sit in the car" hangout and she was being very affectionate and friendly and at one point she turned more in my direction and I thought she was about to tell me we were back together, that's how well it was going, but still nothing.

 

So this weekend we are doing our own thing, and Friday before we went our separate ways I said "go have fun this weekend but we really need to decide". She agrees and says she's knows it's to both of our benefits to decide what the heck we are going and stop this sitting on the fence. I asked her if we can go for a drive on Sunday night to a place where we used to go, and she acted like we could.

 

But... I'm not sure there's a reason to go on this drive if she comes back undecided again. We've set so many deadlines and they all get broken, and she'll back me into a corner with "well if you want your answer now then it's no, or I can keep thinking" and I always say "well I don't want to force a no out of you if that truly isn't the decision you've come to". We've been talking a lot lately about making new memories and making this work. Tonight could be the first new memory we make by going for this drive... but should I ask her for a decision first? Or should we just go have a good time and hope that helps her decide?

 

This just can't continue. I told her she broke up with me for a reason, because she thought she'd have a better summer/life without me, so instead of torturing each other with this half-effort contact, seeing each other a few times a week to sit in a car, we should either be working on this or be fully apart. But after limited contact for so long, and the fact that it seems to be smoothing out in some ways, is now the wrong time to bail, I've been through the highest highs and the lowest lows, I feel like why stop now.

 

I don't actively pursue her anymore. Even for this weekend, on Friday I asked if we could text/call while we were apart and she said yeah, but I haven't said anything yet. And instead of calling her tomorrow to ask if we can go out, she knows what plan I had in mind, I think I should leave it up to her to say she's home and ready to go out.

 

Does it sound like she is on her way back to me? Should I just play it cool, not initiate the contact, but still try to spend some time together, or should I absolutely end all contact and tell her not to say anything until she is ready to work on this (in which case who knows if she'll take advantage of me being fully out of the picture to go mess around and then decide if she wants me).

 

I know the general attitude of these forums is "NC NC NC" but that's usually when an ex is just being crude and cruel and the dumpee just keeps going back for more. I see signs of hope in this situation, or are my glasses as rose-tinted as everyone elses? I've been going out and having fun with friends, I'm not letting her hold me back anymore, of course I am still interested in an answer, but am I truly a candidate for total NC or does it sound like a middle-of-the-road approach may work to bring this one back.

 

I mean, I'm glad she hasn't given me a premature yes and then changed her mind, she says she doesn't want to come back and then leave again, and I certainly don't want to experience that, so in a way I'm glad she is taking her time. But how long do I stick around for the "I don't knows", and would it be more effective to go make some new memories together or should I only allow that to happen with some commitment?

Edited June 19, 2011 by Exit

[PelicanPete]

I think it would be best not to go NC, but to pull away from her and start spending less time with her. Become distant but not completely off the radar. This decision shouldn't be so hard for her, you're either into someone or you aren't. Both of you know what you are willing to do to revive the relationship, but with her its still up in the air. It's hard to test that if you're around her often, because then she feels she doesn't have to go full measures in order to have you.

 

Right now she's a carrot on a stick for you. Try to reverse the roles and become the bait for her instead. If you slowly pull away and become just out of reach, you'll soon learn how much your relationship really means to her. If she isn't willing to work for it, whats the point of sticking around? Just keep pulling away from her until she tells you she wants to get back together. If she never intervenes while you move off the radar, you have your answer.

[0hpenelope]

The first person that came to mind is John Gray and "The Rubber Band Theory." See if that may give you some foothold to your situation.

 

You're in a risky situation and above all, I hope that you're in a good place while in this endeavor.

Edited June 19, 2011 by 0hpenelope

[Exit]

Thank you for your input. That sounds like a good idea to me. I've been too available to someone who chose to end a relationship with me, its like I've still been a boyfriend without the commitment. Starting this week I stopped initiating the contact. Monday she texted to see how I was doing and my friend said I could invite her out with us but I chose to go without her because I told her after our miserable winter together I wanted us to be together and have fun again so if she wants to be out at a concert with me we should be together. Tuesday I had encouraged her to text me again even if she was busy but she didn't and I didn't try asking her why she was being quiet. Wednesday she made the contact again and I think I stopped by for a bit. Thursday we met after work and agreed we could do something later and I was thinking of going on this drive and I kinda slipped up and called a bunch cuz she wasn't answering and turns out she fell asleep. This was the day I helped her with her car trouble so that's why I got agitated when she wasn't answering after I had just done her a favor. Friday she initiated contact to come by after work and that's when we discussed our weekend apart and the need to decide. And like I said I asked if we could be in touch while we were out this weekend but I haven't said anything I'm leaving her alone.

 

So I guess ill continue that into today and let her be the one to ask if we are gonna go for that drive. If she doesn't ask my friends are going to some outdoor fest/concert so ill just go do that and still enjoy my night. I have a nice new pic of me and two friends on facebook from last night so ill let her see that I've been having fun (I deleted her but she can still see my default pic). Ill distance myself and protect my feelings and how she reacts is up to her. She said the other day she feels addicted to me so maybe she needs to experience some withdrawals.

 

Ill hope for the best but prepare for the worst. Its hard to tell where she is at right now. Hopefully she'll get in touch about tonight but we'll see.

[0hpenelope]

Thank you for your input. That sounds like a good idea to me. I've been too available to someone who chose to end a relationship with me, its like I've still been a boyfriend without the commitment. Starting this week I stopped initiating the contact. Monday she texted to see how I was doing and my friend said I could invite her out with us but I chose to go without her because I told her after our miserable winter together I wanted us to be together and have fun again so if she wants to be out at a concert with me we should be together. Tuesday I had encouraged her to text me again even if she was busy but she didn't and I didn't try asking her why she was being quiet. Wednesday she made the contact again and I think I stopped by for a bit. Thursday we met after work and agreed we could do something later and I was thinking of going on this drive and I kinda slipped up and called a bunch cuz she wasn't answering and turns out she fell asleep. This was the day I helped her with her car trouble so that's why I got agitated when she wasn't answering after I had just done her a favor. Friday she initiated contact to come by after work and that's when we discussed our weekend apart and the need to decide. And like I said I asked if we could be in touch while we were out this weekend but I haven't said anything I'm leaving her alone.

 

So I guess ill continue that into today and let her be the one to ask if we are gonna go for that drive. If she doesn't ask my friends are going to some outdoor fest/concert so ill just go do that and still enjoy my night. I have a nice new pic of me and two friends on facebook from last night so ill let her see that I've been having fun (I deleted her but she can still see my default pic). Ill distance myself and protect my feelings and how she reacts is up to her. She said the other day she feels addicted to me so maybe she needs to experience some withdrawals.

 

Ill hope for the best but prepare for the worst. Its hard to tell where she is at right now. Hopefully she'll get in touch about tonight but we'll see.

It's true. One cannot miss what has never been gone.

[Exit]

The first person that came to mind is John Gray and "The Rubber Band Theory." See if that may give you some foothold to your situation.

 

You're in a risky situation and above all, I hope that you're in a good place while in this endeavor.

 

It's true. One cannot miss what has never been gone.

 

Thank you. I definitely am in a better place than I was. This really had me messed up for a while. I'm doing better now, not pressuring her or causing those arguments, and I'm enjoying the things I get to do with friends. She still does have the power to mess with me depending on how she acts, and I do still hurt about it, but I'm much better than I was.

 

I guess I hoped there would already be enough to "miss" to bring her back, the intimacy, the actual doing things together and connecting as a couple, but I guess just being around and still making it clear how I feel for her has given her enough slack to take this long in deciding. I'll try to be a little more reserved and leave it up to her to show that she is interested, I've certainly already made my interest clear.

 

I'll look into the rubber band theory right now before heading to bed.

[PelicanPete]

Good luck to you, and I hope you have fun either way tonight. Make sure to keep us posted on how things are going

[Karala]

I have to say I totally disagree with the advice above. In my opinion and experience, playing hard to get with someone you do feel deeply about is stupid, painful AND counter-productive... Because you can never play it well enough. The reality of the situation (you are the one chasing her and wanting to get her) will catch up to you eventually. You can try and convolute yourself into whatever you think will get her to want to be in a relationship with you, but the reality of the situation is that she DOESN'T. Maybe you can jump through hoops until she changes her mind about you, but why oh why would you want to be with someone who only wants to be with you because you manipulated them into it? We all know the answer here, because you love them so much that you can't face the idea of going without them, and your own self-esteem and self-love go second to your love for them, which is exactly why they're pulling away from you in the first place. Playing hard to get = quick fix, ineffectual in the long run because you can't keep putting on that act forever. Real-deal fix = BEING hard to get, by always putting your self-love first, making your life revolve around yourself and what makes YOU happy, instead of around what you think will make them happy and/or make them want to be with you.

 

This isn't anything new or rocket-science, this is what we all know to be true because we've read about it on this message board a thousand times, and people's experiences show us that this is true. How long have you been on this message board again?

 

Hope I'm not sounding condescending, this is really not my intention - it's just that I feel like knocking some sense into you because you seem like such a fine fellow but you always seem to downgrade yourself in your relationships! I read all of your story, all the threads that you started since 2009, because I had read some messages from you and took an interest in your story and wanted to know more about it. Remember how you regretted chasing that other girl around a couple of years ago. I think it IS time to break that cycle at last.

[california15]

Exit! You always give wonderful advice to LS, hope I can give you some.

 

I feel like shes has all the power in this situation. Youre letting her decide this and that, which allows you to wait and hope and be strung along. She gets the cake and can eat it to, since you're being there LIKE a boyfriend, but not ACTUALLY a boyfriend. She's not a bad person, but in doing what shes doing, she may not realize the emotional toll and torture it produces for the other person. You don't deserve that!

 

Ask yourself what you want in a relationship to make you happy. Take yourself completely out of the situation for a moment and sincerely ask yourself "What do I want?" I can almost guarentee that being with someone who isn't sure about you, or someone who doesn't reciprocate the same feelings, or someone who makes you question and feel insecure, or someone who strings you along, will not be on the list.

 

Maybe its things like " I want a relationship where the other person is 100% commited to me" or "I want a relationship where my feelings and opinions are respected" or whatever you list. Then ask yourself is the current situation meeting the things listed for a happy relationship?"

 

Physically write down in black and white what you want. Don't settle for less than what you want. You deserve to be happy too. You deserve to stick up for what you want in a relationship. And right now shes the one calling all the shots. Objectively ask yourself if a relationship with her is going to meet the list of things you want in a relationship.

 

The cycle is going to continue as long as you let it. At a point I think you'll decide "You know what. F**K this. Either she likes me or she doesnt. There is no gray area to that" and you'll decide you dont want to go on this roller coaster anymore. But only you can decide that. Just because you've been on the highest of highs and the lowest of lows post break up doesn't mean you have to continue and that if you stop now it will all have been in vain.

 

To quote you, "This just can't continue. I told her she broke up with me for a reason"

 

You seem like a good guy. I hope you see that and don't allow yourself to continue on the roller coaster for much longer. Its time to exit the ride.

[Trovador]

Look, Exit, you are a brilliant guy, but sadly the mind has little to do when we are trapped by love...

 

Consciously or not, she is playing you, if she meant serious business at least she would have had The Talk with you; her refusals to even acknowledge the flaky relationship you have only shows that you are a sort of emotional blanket... yea, you are fun, you are one of the good guys,the one she can call and count on when problems arise, etc... but not enough good to be her bf... she just enjoys your relentless adoration and I don't know why you are still around her...

 

Problem is just stopping to be too available or pulling the vanishing act is not sufficient... I did that with my ex and all I got were more phone calls and more time talking, just talking... NC never functioned either, because she always broke it when she felt like doing it...

 

The only way out of this is to get over her "secretly" or "internally", moving on and forgetting her not matter if she is in contact or not... kill the feelings if you will...

 

But maybe you will learn to love being her best male friend... I've seen it before, here on LS...

[Exit]

Thanks for the replies. I know sometimes I need a push in the right direction so I don't mind. Yeah it's true.... I already think to myself "I want to be with someone who is as crazy about me as I am about her". Even for her to reluctantly decide after 3 months "oh okay... I guess we can be together" just wouldn't be that exciting. I'll just maintain my silence, not to necessarily manipulate her into missing me, just because I'm tired of putting everything I've got into this. If she gets in touch and says she is ready to talk, I'll find a way that we can do that. Who knows, maybe all this thinking I'm doing is for nothing, she may be ready to say no and commit to being apart. If she says yes, I'll have to make sure she's really committed to that decision. If she remains undecided, I'm going to let myself off of this leash and go enjoy my summer.

 

She keeps saying she wants this to be a rational decision, and not an emotional one fueled by an argument. So okay, it's time for her to be rational, it's ridiculous that we've still hung out for 3 months after a breakup, and it would be ridiculous to continue doing this for the rest of our summer. The only rational thing is to commit to being apart or commit to being together. Of course the only rational choice in my mind is that we should be trying again, but I will let her be rational in her own way, and if she thinks being apart is better, I'm not gonna try to change her mind anymore.

[TearyEyedPride]

Exit!

 

Yeah... I would ask for a decision first before you go off and try to make new memories.

 

Like cali said, I cherish your posts and insights, but I don't want to see you be strung along. Sometimes it's easier to give perspective from outside of the relationship but your "blinders" are active in your own.

 

Free yourself sweetheart. Ask her for a decision, and if she can't make up her mind. Give her the NC space you guys need to either move on, or in her case get some perspective.

[Exit]

Exit!

 

Yeah... I would ask for a decision first before you go off and try to make new memories.

 

Like cali said, I cherish your posts and insights, but I don't want to see you be strung along. Sometimes it's easier to give perspective from outside of the relationship but your "blinders" are active in your own.

 

Free yourself sweetheart. Ask her for a decision, and if she can't make up her mind. Give her the NC space you guys need to either move on, or in her case get some perspective.

 

Oh yeah, I know it's much easier for me to give out advice to everyone else's problems, and then still go down the wrong road myself. I realize that just about every time I am typing a response to someone else's thread lol.

 

Yeah, I'm gonna see if she contacts me and try to get this decision out of her. No point going NC when we just agreed that we would try to decide, and no point going to hang out with her if the decision still isn't made. I definitely don't want to turn into a "buddy" for her and she says she still loves me and has feelings for me, so I'd rather leave with that in tact than being transformed into a friendship.

 

If her answer is no... NC. If he answer is "I don't know".... NC. If she says yes, there will be a lot of talking before I even believe that 100%. Or if she just doesn't say anything at all after knowing that I'm waiting to hear from her tonight... forget it.

 

I realized today, the funny thing is that she succeeded in convincing me that I'm the bad guy for wanting an answer, for starting all the discussions about whether we could try again or not. I deserve commitment. I deserve to know what's going on. But I fell for all the "geez why can't you just relax for a while and see what happens". I've done that long enough now.

 

I've just always hated that I'm gonna have to be the one to say goodbye, she was the dumper, and she should have to have the strength to be the mean one and say we can't be in each others lives because she can't find it in herself to come back. But I guess it's gonna have to come from me. I have to make her commit to her decision to breakup instead of living in this twilight zone.

[Graceful]

I read your post, Exit, and my reaction is that I want to give your ex a great big dope slap. She's not here, though, so do you mind if I direct that dope slap your way? Someone around here needs one.

 

Do you want the honest truth? I don't understand why this girl isn't annoying the ever lovin' hell out of you. I honestly mean that. She's annoying the hell out of me, and I'm just sitting here reading about her and how she's stringing you along.

 

We've set so many deadlines and they all get broken, and she'll back me into a corner with "well if you want your answer now then it's no, or I can keep thinking" and I always say "well I don't want to force a no out of you if that truly isn't the decision you've come to". We've been talking a lot lately about making new memories and making this work. Tonight could be the first new memory we make by going for this drive... but should I ask her for a decision first? Or should we just go have a good time and hope that helps her decide?

 

Yeah, I'm gonna see if she contacts me and try to get this decision out of her. No point going NC when we just agreed that we would try to decide, and no point going to hang out with her if the decision still isn't made. I definitely don't want to turn into a "buddy" for her and she says she still loves me and has feelings for me, so I'd rather leave with that in tact than being transformed into a friendship.

Do you mind if I give you a little lecture about those three words? "I love you" -- well, those words mean squat when there is no action behind them. Do you honestly FEEL loved right now? Not only that, but do you honestly feel like you are being treated like someone who is beloved by someone? Cheesh, if this is how your "ex" treats someone she loves, I'd hate to see how she treats the trash.

 

There's "I love you" enough to be wishy washy about you, but want to hang out with you because I don't want to be alone love. And there's I love you so much that I can't live without you, you're the best thing that ever happened to me love, I'm here for you when ever you need me love, we were made for each other love ... do you see where I'm going?

 

Your ex wouldn't know love if it hit her smack between the eyes. She just says the words to keep you around. And you're letting her.

 

I realized today, the funny thing is that she succeeded in convincing me that I'm the bad guy for wanting an answer, for starting all the discussions about whether we could try again or not. I deserve commitment. I deserve to know what's going on. But I fell for all the "geez why can't you just relax for a while and see what happens". I've done that long enough now.

This is the most manipulative tactic I can imagine. This is reason enough for you to be filled with anger IMHO. I'd have left this asshat a long time ago, if I were in your shoes. What is a "bad guy" ?? Someone who knows what he wants and doesn't want to be treated like a doormat?

 

OH! That's a bad guy. WOW. I never knew that, but thanks to your ex, now I do.

 

I've just always hated that I'm gonna have to be the one to say goodbye, she was the dumper, and she should have to have the strength to be the mean one and say we can't be in each others lives because she can't find it in herself to come back. But I guess it's gonna have to come from me. I have to make her commit to her decision to breakup instead of living in this twilight zone.

How about we use the word "boundary" for starters. You're putting up a boundary for yourself, forget about her. Here's your boundary: I want to be in a relationship where the feelings are equal on both sides, treated with respect, be moving forward with someone I care about, and know where I stand. Now do you have that with your ex?

 

So put up a boundary with her. Next time you speak to her this is what you say, "hey ex, I've been doing some thinking the last few days, and I figured out what I WANT. Since you don't know what you want, and I know what I want, I don't think this is going to work. I want a real relationship, not a fake, half in, half out relationship. So here it is. If you figure out what you want, and you want what I want, then give me a call. Otherwise, have a nice life.

 

Seriously. Give this girl a lesson. I only wish I could do it for you, but that would spoil all the fun for you, wouldn't it? Now stand up for yourself once and for all, and take care.

[d'janiero]

Hey Exit. I remember you posted on my thread a while back....I'm going through a very similar situation to you at the moment.

 

I was just wondering how it turned out in the end?

Did you initiate NC, or end up getting back together?