jd08 Posted June 19, 2011 Posted June 19, 2011 Been married 4 years, have a 2 year old daughter. Usually have sex with wife about twice per month. Recently even that has decreased to about once per month. I find myself becoming more and more resentful of her because of this. Anyway, tried to address the situation with her tonight in a civil way by having a conversation. Explained that sex was important and that I don't want to be mad about it but its just how I feel and can't help it. Asked her if there was a solution or what she would suggest to help the situation. Her response "just be patient - I don't know what else to say." Then she said she didn't know what to do about it other than "forcing" herself to have sex. She accused me of not understanding her situation, she suffers from some kind of anxiety and is on medication. Problem is she has had this diagnosis for years and the intimacy hasn't always been this bad. I don't mean to sound insensitive but I feel like it is a convenient excuse. She stays home with our daughter and I work, she hasn't worked since before our daughter was born. She is great as far as taking care of her and stuff around the house. She usually cooks dinner every night, washes clothes, etc. I do help out with chores but she probably does a little more than I do in that area. I really don't know what else to do. Talking isn't getting anywhere. Don't really have any extra money to go to counseling and don't know what good it would do anyway. I feel like she isn't going to put forth the effort at this point and just feel hopeless based on her statements.
giotto Posted June 19, 2011 Posted June 19, 2011 She accused me of not understanding her situation, she suffers from some kind of anxiety and is on medication. Problem is she has had this diagnosis for years and the intimacy hasn't always been this bad. I don't mean to sound insensitive but I feel like it is a convenient excuse. Maybe her meds don't work as well any more, or her conditions is getting worse. My wife has the same and she has no libido whatsoever. We have sex maybe twice a month, sometimes once a month and I can tell she really has to put a lot of effort into it. I'm afraid there isn't very much you can do about it. She is ill. You'll have to deal with it or get out.
DaisyLeigh Posted June 19, 2011 Posted June 19, 2011 For better or worse. At least that was in MY marriage vows. She should go see her doctor again, to see what can be done. In the meantime, think about how she feels, and try to be supportive, instead of dwelling on yourself and about what you are not getting. It sounds like she doesn't like this any more than you do.
Author jd08 Posted June 19, 2011 Author Posted June 19, 2011 Daisy - you see that's the thing. I feel like I am understanding. I am not asking for much, just an assurance from her that she will try to make the sex life a little more interesting. And all I get is "be patient" and basically stop asking me about it. That doesn't give me any hope and just makes me more resentful.
Author jd08 Posted June 19, 2011 Author Posted June 19, 2011 She just asked me to come talk with her about why I am upset. So we talk for about 10 minutes, I feel like we are making a little progress and then she starts falling asleep! Says I am talking in circles and she doesn't want to talk anymore. Then she says "its not like you are going to stop wanting sex" when I asked her how things should be going forward. How ****ing disrespectful to fall asleep in the middle of a conversation that she asked me to have about our problems. My blood is boiling right now and I had to leave the house for a minute to regain composure. Meanwhile she just lays her head down and falls asleep.
xxoo Posted June 19, 2011 Posted June 19, 2011 Counseling should help make the discussions more productive. She won't be able to fall asleep during a counseling session. The way I see it, you can't afford NOT to go to counseling. Divorce is far more expensive. If you or your wife had cancer, you would find the means to get treatment. Your marriage has a cancer; find a way to get counseling.
Afishwithabike Posted June 19, 2011 Posted June 19, 2011 She just asked me to come talk with her about why I am upset. So we talk for about 10 minutes, I feel like we are making a little progress and then she starts falling asleep! Says I am talking in circles and she doesn't want to talk anymore. Then she says "its not like you are going to stop wanting sex" when I asked her how things should be going forward. How ****ing disrespectful to fall asleep in the middle of a conversation that she asked me to have about our problems. My blood is boiling right now and I had to leave the house for a minute to regain composure. Meanwhile she just lays her head down and falls asleep. Exactly what time of day were you having this conversation? Maybe the falling asleep and lack of interest in sex are caused by some medical condition - depression, low thyroid, low testosterone levels, endometriosis, fibroids, scars from an episiotomy during labor and delivery, etc. The hormones from breastfeeding can dampen the desire to have sex. Or it could be psychological - unresolved conflicts, lack of emotional intimacy.... If she's on a medication then maybe she needs to change medications or alter the dose.
Author jd08 Posted June 19, 2011 Author Posted June 19, 2011 Exactly what time of day were you having this conversation? Maybe the falling asleep and lack of interest in sex are caused by some medical condition - depression, low thyroid, low testosterone levels, endometriosis, fibroids, scars from an episiotomy during labor and delivery, etc. The hormones from breastfeeding can dampen the desire to have sex. Or it could be psychological - unresolved conflicts, lack of emotional intimacy.... If she's on a medication then maybe she needs to change medications or alter the dose. We had the conversation at around noon. Her thyroid has been checked before and came back normal. Can't speak for the other things you mentioned.
Kivu Posted June 20, 2011 Posted June 20, 2011 Yes, if she's falling asleep during a conversation with anyone, about anything, at noon, there is something physiologically wrong with her. Get her to the doctor. Try not to take it personally.
Afishwithabike Posted June 20, 2011 Posted June 20, 2011 I agree with Kivu. Falling asleep during a conversation at midday isn't normal. Even when I was at my most sleep deprived (the months following the birth of my child), I didn't fall asleep while talking to someone.
giotto Posted June 20, 2011 Posted June 20, 2011 Looking after a 2 year old child is very tiring. Believe me, I've done that.
SincereOnlineGuy Posted June 22, 2011 Posted June 22, 2011 She accused me of not understanding her situation, she suffers from some kind of anxiety and is on medication. Problem is she has had this diagnosis for years and the intimacy hasn't always been this bad. I don't mean to sound insensitive but I feel like it is a convenient excuse. Has she been taking that same medication for years???? That could so easily be the problem right there !! Get her to a doctor. Find out directly whether that particular medication can decrease or eliminate sex drive. IF the answer is "yes", then find an alternate medication.
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