Chi townD Posted June 23, 2011 Posted June 23, 2011 "I think you don't want him to know because you lose power, and control over everything." Very good statement. You state that your afraid to hurt him. You don't think he's hurting right now? He has an idea of what you've done already. Hell, you said you let it slip in an arguement! He's just waiting for you to confirm it. So, tell him! Then, he'll leave the marriage which is the end result you want anyway, right?
John Michael Kane Posted June 23, 2011 Posted June 23, 2011 I respect him enough to leave rather than hurt him. Then why don't you simply leave now? All you're doing is abusing the guy. He never deserved this type of treatment.
whichwayisup Posted June 23, 2011 Posted June 23, 2011 "I think you don't want him to know because you lose power, and control over everything." Very good statement. You state that your afraid to hurt him. You don't think he's hurting right now? He has an idea of what you've done already. Hell, you said you let it slip in an arguement! He's just waiting for you to confirm it. So, tell him! Then, he'll leave the marriage which is the end result you want anyway, right? Yup. And, I think I need to stop reading this thread, it's making my head spin and making my stomach lurch. The cruelity and selfishness is just too much to read. I know this is a sick comparison, but it's like an innocent animal who sadly has been run over and is in such pain, hoping to be put out of his misery. This man, your husband KNOWS you are cheating!!!!!!!!!! You are hurting him MORE by NOT telling him. OMG, why can't you see this?
John Michael Kane Posted June 23, 2011 Posted June 23, 2011 Yup. And, I think I need to stop reading this thread, it's making my head spin and making my stomach lurch. The cruelity and selfishness is just too much to read. I know this is a sick comparison, but it's like an innocent animal who sadly has been run over and is in such pain, hoping to be put out of his misery. This man, your husband KNOWS you are cheating!!!!!!!!!! You are hurting him MORE by NOT telling him. OMG, why can't you see this? She doesn't "see it" because she wishes to not accept her huge responsibility in the dissolving of this marriage. She knows he's hurt and the only reason she's not telling him, is because she wants to keep her behind clean.
bentnotbroken Posted June 23, 2011 Posted June 23, 2011 The OP's actions have all been based on control. Not just controlling her life but the lives of those around her, especially her husband. She compares her life to others as if she is measuring her success in life by somebody else's yardstick. There are several flaws with: 1) she is only looking at the outside of others lives to decide how to live hers. 2) Katherine Hepburn, while the OW was not married..you are. 3)You aren't just messing up your life, you are messing with the life of another party. Why in the world would you continue to mess with someone else's mental health? 4) You can say it until the cows come home, but you do know why having an affair is wrong, or you wouldn't be hiding it from your husband. If it is that beneficial to the marriage, then you two should discuss having an open marriage. Let him have the same opportunity to find someone to help him be a better husband to you. Two affairs should double the benefits to your marriage. 5) Let's be honest here..the only person you don't want to hurt is you. Can't another woman be a better partner to your husband? Can't she teach him how to treat you? Can't she make him happy to be married to you? 6) There is a funny thing about power and control...it usually utterly corrupts the person wielding, especially those who are easily corruptible. 1
whammy Posted June 23, 2011 Posted June 23, 2011 1.) I think you might be rewriting a lil bit of your marriage history now that sh*t has hit the fan. 2.) You might be rewriting YOUR OWN thoughts on life by rationalizing that monogamy isnt natural. now that sh*t has hit the fan. 3.) You say that you are scared that he will tell your family about your affair. Why do you do things you need to hide from people? why do you do things you are ashamed of? if the truth hurts you aint living right... 4.) I cant understand why you think telling your husband about the affair is worse then the affair... you wont tell him because you cant hurt him? If didnt want to hurt him you shouldnt have done it. NO MATTER HOW ANYONE RATIONALIZES IT... hiding an affair is ALWAYS self serving. You seem more concerned about about not looking like the bad guy then being a decent human being. Once again if the truth hurts you aint living right. 5.) You make your H out to be a monster by only focusing on the bad things he does/says to you. But what about what youve done to him? Being awful to someone (cheating on them) and getting mad at them for being awful to you is... i dont even have a word for it... sociopathic maybe 6.) what will you take from your husband when you divorce him? And dont say nothing because we all know that isnt the truth. 7.) you should have gave him respect and left him before you cheating... dont think you deserve something you dont give... respect now dont read this from a "Im being attack and i need to defend myself" angle. read this from the "maybe I need to look in the mirror because some of this true" angle
Author weedsandposies Posted June 23, 2011 Author Posted June 23, 2011 Whammy, I don't take it like you or anyone else is attacking me. I appreciate evryone taking the time to write. In my teens I was cheated on, the worst day of my life until sept 11 was the day I found out. I remember it vivdly. And had I not been at afriends apartment, there is no doubt in my mind I would've jumped from the 8th floor window watching the sun set that evening. Its a feeling I do not wish on anyone. This is the reason I would rather leave foresaking my marriage than hurt my husband by confessing. Even finding out OM might have been seeing other(s) hurt me although we all on LS agreed he owed me no loyalty. Anyway, since these experiences I've grown up and realized that people do crap to eachother. Before we got married h and I had an understanding that if we felt like being wiht others wed leave first. Last summer we seperated and I started A with OM. Regrettably it continued. Now I miss him, or perhaps another feeling? Not sure. My struggle is whether or not to end the M. If I do there's no going back. 1
Untouchable_Fire Posted June 23, 2011 Posted June 23, 2011 My struggle is whether or not to end the M. If I do there's no going back. To my thought... you already ended the marriage. Right now your just wasting your H's time. I support the idea of divorcing and never telling. If you choose to stay... then you pretty much have to be honest with him... and you are not really feeling the marriage anyway. It's dead. I know it's hard... but just push yourself off the fence and move on... because ultimately your wasting your own time too.
OldOnTheInside Posted June 24, 2011 Posted June 24, 2011 (edited) My struggle is whether or not to end the M.Agreed with UF. Honestly, sounds like you've basically emotionally checked out of your marriage. You have the legal documentation, but little else to go along with it. But hey, your life. You want to waste both you and your husband's time, feel free. Having said that, don't act all saintly about not confessing. At least admit that you are partly doing it to cover your own *ss. By the way, this isn't a psychological study for your university is it? Probably not... Edited June 24, 2011 by OldOnTheInside
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