OldOnTheInside Posted June 19, 2011 Posted June 19, 2011 The posters here appear to be slamming their skulls against a brick wall. OP knows what she has to do to get out but is hesitant to do it. That's her decision. I'm amazed that you're still getting replies Weeds... Perfect troll bait.
Tayla Posted June 20, 2011 Posted June 20, 2011 True but if he has proof he'll find an outlet. Just the fact he said this disgusted me. There is a saying in the communication counseling world 'anything after "But" is BS, an excuse a reason to justify' Seriously you have three flawed "reasonings" . 1: You stay in the marriage due to longevity (8 years , of what??), despite it never really being what either of you wanted. 2: You stepped out 3: 3: You have tunnel vision, go see an eye doctor or therepist. why does HIS comment disgust you?? As if you are pure and above things. How ironic that you find the comment offensive yet your selfish actions not.... Mme Chauc was actually most diplomatic in response yet I caution whether that was deserving given your responses to matters here.
John Michael Kane Posted June 20, 2011 Posted June 20, 2011 The only reason why you two aren't getting along is because you're dishonesty, unremorsefullness, and disrespect to your husband. Own your mess in this and let him go.
Author weedsandposies Posted June 20, 2011 Author Posted June 20, 2011 You are taking the position where love only applies during the good times. It is very easy to love during the good times of a relationship. However, all relationships hit a low sooner or later. Bailing out during hard times is for the weak and selfish that expect the partner to be responsible for their happiness. If you believe in this philosophy you will never have a long lasting relationship. By the way, after every low there is a high.however, you will not be around to see that. How do I know I'm not being selfish by quitting this marriage?
rafallus Posted June 20, 2011 Posted June 20, 2011 You are taking the position where love only applies during the good times. It is very easy to love during the good times of a relationship. However, all relationships hit a low sooner or later. Bailing out during hard times is for the weak and selfish that expect the partner to be responsible for their happiness. If you believe in this philosophy you will never have a long lasting relationship. By the way, after every low there is a high.however, you will not be around to see that. Easy: if you're not a part of the solution, you're a part of the problem. OP definitely is a part of the problem. And probably so is her husband.
bentnotbroken Posted June 20, 2011 Posted June 20, 2011 Tonight I had a nasty fight with my husband. He can be so cruel so I just threw the affair at him. Not really confessing but telling him suppose I was having an affair. Basically he threatened to dig through all phone, email records, trace communications, etc. And if he finds it to betrue he'll embarrass me by putting the info in our local papers. I believe him. He has some of my passwords. Honestly at this point I just don't care. I ended the affair a while back, last contact with OM was almost 3 weeks ago. I managed anexit from OM which has helped keeep the withdrawal low. Ever since my marriage has been rocky. I almost can't stand H anymore. And I miss the other man so much. Should I just walk away? Sadly, I don't have the energy or inclination to fight for this relationship. H and I aren't meant to be. Thanks for listening and any advice. YES!!!! you should have walked away when you started cheating because you never intended to be truthful with your husband. If he spreads your business, it is a consequence of your actions.
bentnotbroken Posted June 20, 2011 Posted June 20, 2011 Yes, this is true. H and I tried a seperation last summer then decided to work on things. It was during that time I started the R with OM. And actually my first post on this forum was how the A saved my marriage. At the time I was going to continue the A to keep my M going. Then felt guilty about it and things with OM and me deteriorated, he did things I can't forgive. Now that's funny..
bentnotbroken Posted June 20, 2011 Posted June 20, 2011 True but if he has proof he'll find an outlet. Just the fact he said this disgusted me. As I am sure and you already know that your having sex with another man will probably disgust him. That's why you haven't told him. You are just as cruel you claim he is. Leave now.
Untouchable_Fire Posted June 20, 2011 Posted June 20, 2011 My main reason for staying is because I would feel as if I've thrown away 8 years of my life. Not sure if that's a good enough reason. No... that isn't a good enough reason. You have a superiority complex with your husband that borders on ridiculous. He would have to be a very terrible person... the kind that kicks babies and smothers kittens for fun... just to be on your level. Yet you persist on talking about him as though looking down on him from some great height. I'm sure he is not a great guy... yet I think we can both agree that he deserves better than you. Put an end to the marriage then work on being better. It's dragging you both down. It's time for you to put some effort into rejoining the human raice.
What_Next Posted June 20, 2011 Posted June 20, 2011 I find it quite ironic that it would upset you that your husband told you how he would react if he discovered your affair and this is the part of this scenario that bothers you. Wow. You are one of the most selfish posters that I have ever had the mis-fortune to post to. Divorce your husband in the fastest possible way. Don't drag it out, let him go. He deserves someone that he can trust. He deserves someone faithful and honest, neither of which you are capable of being. Disgusting, purely disgusting.
OldOnTheInside Posted June 21, 2011 Posted June 21, 2011 Oh my... The posters here appear to be slamming their skulls against a brick wall. You're very good at this.
Author weedsandposies Posted June 22, 2011 Author Posted June 22, 2011 I don't get where you're getting that I'm selfish. Actually not. Maybe I didn't treat OM right buthow else was I. Supposed to get the message across to him that its over?the lie worked because he hasn't contacted me since. And if I was selfish a long long time ago I would've packed my things and moved out leaving H. We have no joint assets and divorcing very easy, just a signature on paper. If I didn't respect him I couldn't look at him. Unlike many of you, my belief is disclosure is pure evil. I won't do it.
John Michael Kane Posted June 22, 2011 Posted June 22, 2011 I don't get where you're getting that I'm selfish. Actually not. Maybe I didn't treat OM right buthow else was I. Supposed to get the message across to him that its over?the lie worked because he hasn't contacted me since. This is twisted thinking. You cheated and you're unremorseful. That's one of the prime meanings of being selfish. And if I was selfish a long long time ago I would've packed my things and moved out leaving H. We have no joint assets and divorcing very easy, just a signature on paper. Okay so if it's so easy why didn't you do all of that before fooling around with another man? How about leaving now. That would spare your husband a lot of pain. If I didn't respect him I couldn't look at him. Unlike many of you, my belief is disclosure is pure evil. I won't do it. From your posts it's quite clear you never respected him. All you care about is you and not about how you're hurting others.
rafallus Posted June 22, 2011 Posted June 22, 2011 I don't get where you're getting that I'm selfish. Actually not. Maybe I didn't treat OM right buthow else was I. Supposed to get the message across to him that its over?the lie worked because he hasn't contacted me since. And if I was selfish a long long time ago I would've packed my things and moved out leaving H. We have no joint assets and divorcing very easy, just a signature on paper. If I didn't respect him I couldn't look at him. Unlike many of you, my belief is disclosure is pure evil. I won't do it. Enjoy your little, masochistic, menage-a-trois then.
robf1971 Posted June 22, 2011 Posted June 22, 2011 I find it quite ironic that it would upset you that your husband told you how he would react if he discovered your affair and this is the part of this scenario that bothers you. Wow. You are one of the most selfish posters that I have ever had the mis-fortune to post to. Divorce your husband in the fastest possible way. Don't drag it out, let him go. He deserves someone that he can trust. He deserves someone faithful and honest, neither of which you are capable of being. Disgusting, purely disgusting. Absolutely, Almost unbelievable selfishness, typical me me me BS
Chi townD Posted June 22, 2011 Posted June 22, 2011 okay, I have the feeling that you have the type of personality that you feel that you did nothing wrong. And I'm not saying it's all your fault. Your husband is to blame for 50% of the problems in your marriage. But, your affair is 100% on you. Your husband isn't and idiot. He knows that something isn't right. That something did happen. You refuse to get close to your husband and state that the marriage is probably over. Therefore, you have a "I really don't give a damn" attitude because if your husband knew the truth it might very well be over; hence, you're trying to protect your emotions by detaching yourself. And lets face it, you last saw the OM three weeks ago. This is still new; still fresh. Your saying that the marriage is over because your telling yourself if the shoe was on the other foot that's probably what would happen if he cheated on you. That's how you would react. Therefore, why wouldn't he react the same way. Now, you'll probably tell me that you were having problems way before your affair. The love wasn't that strong. Okay, well why didn't you address it then? Why didn't you seek counseling when you KNEW that things needs to be worked on? I mean, you knew it. Now, you say that you don't want to tell your husband about the affair for fear of him telling your friends and family......well.....you did. You did have an affair. Nothing you can do to change that. It's called owning up to your sh*t. If people here are are calling you selfish. Well, you did a selfish act. and you need to own up to it. Look, all I'm saying is that your husband deserves the truth. Then, it's up to him to decide if he wants to work on this marriage or not. But, if you don't tell him, then that big elephant in the room is never going to leave and that emotional wall that you two have put up is never going to come down.
What_Next Posted June 22, 2011 Posted June 22, 2011 Unlike many of you, my belief is disclosure is pure evil. I won't do it. No, lies, deception and secrecy are much better. .
rafallus Posted June 22, 2011 Posted June 22, 2011 Nah, she won't listen. Instead she probably crushes cute kitten with stilletos.
wheelwright Posted June 23, 2011 Posted June 23, 2011 Should I just walk away? Sadly, I don't have the energy or inclination to fight for this relationship. H and I aren't meant to be. Thanks for listening and any advice. Well I expect you are mightily fed up with the flack you got here. I suppose you haven't put over an especially sympathetic stance. Do you have any compassion for H, OM, yourself? And just go and be yourself, minimising any damage the best way you know how. I doubt you are a bad person really.
Author weedsandposies Posted June 23, 2011 Author Posted June 23, 2011 okay, I have the feeling that you have the type of personality that you feel that you did nothing wrong. And I'm not saying it's all your fault. Your husband is to blame for 50% of the problems in your marriage. But, your affair is 100% on you. Your husband isn't and idiot. He knows that something isn't right. That something did happen. You refuse to get close to your husband and state that the marriage is probably over. Therefore, you have a "I really don't give a damn" attitude because if your husband knew the truth it might very well be over; hence, you're trying to protect your emotions by detaching yourself. And lets face it, you last saw the OM three weeks ago. This is still new; still fresh. Your saying that the marriage is over because your telling yourself if the shoe was on the other foot that's probably what would happen if he cheated on you. That's how you would react. Therefore, why wouldn't he react the same way. Now, you'll probably tell me that you were having problems way before your affair. The love wasn't that strong. Okay, well why didn't you address it then? Why didn't you seek counseling when you KNEW that things needs to be worked on? I mean, you knew it. Now, you say that you don't want to tell your husband about the affair for fear of him telling your friends and family......well.....you did. You did have an affair. Nothing you can do to change that. It's called owning up to your sh*t. If people here are are calling you selfish. Well, you did a selfish act. and you need to own up to it. Look, all I'm saying is that your husband deserves the truth. Then, it's up to him to decide if he wants to work on this marriage or not. But, if you don't tell him, then that big elephant in the room is never going to leave and that emotional wall that you two have put up is never going to come down. Thank you for your post and questions to think about. I don't want to make a move I'll regret. This will be the last time I ever marry. Maybe I just don't understand why having an affair is wrong, especially if it keeps the marriage together. I struggle with this issue. I have friends that hold affairs and marriages with children very well without trouble. Each time I've been rethinking calling OM, but then I remember all the hard work he is. This is the reason I was considering someone else. In my life I never got why people thought they can faithfully go on in monogamous relationships forever. That's a mighty long time. God even Audrey Hepburn was an OW. 1
Author weedsandposies Posted June 23, 2011 Author Posted June 23, 2011 No, lies, deception and secrecy are much better. . Yes if it keeps people happy. 1
Author weedsandposies Posted June 23, 2011 Author Posted June 23, 2011 This is twisted thinking. You cheated and you're unremorseful. That's one of the prime meanings of being selfish. Okay so if it's so easy why didn't you do all of that before fooling around with another man? How about leaving now. That would spare your husband a lot of pain. From your posts it's quite clear you never respected him. All you care about is you and not about how you're hurting others. I respect him enough to leave rather than hurt him. 1
OldOnTheInside Posted June 23, 2011 Posted June 23, 2011 (edited) Unlike many of you, my belief is disclosure is pure evil. I won't do it. Can you say, with absolute certainty that you know that your husband would prefer to remain ignorant? Maybe I just don't understand why having an affair is wrong, especially if it keeps the marriage together.Interesting. Should the marriage stay together for the sake of the marriage staying together? In my life I never got why people thought they can faithfully go on in monogamous relationships forever. That's a mighty long time.Should've gone with the open marriage route right? Same results, less drama. I respect him enough to leave rather than hurt him. Actions speak louder than words. Edited June 23, 2011 by OldOnTheInside
Chi townD Posted June 23, 2011 Posted June 23, 2011 Yes if it keeps people happy. But you're living a lie. Perhaps it's the way you're looking at the act of love making. You're probably looking at sex as some primal animalistic act that needs to have a release every now and then. An itch that needs to be scratch. And after the afterglow wears off. People are usually left unfulfilled. But, to connect with the person you love. To offer yourself to that person fully and to put your trust in them when you're at your most vulnerable is an incredible experience. Sex between married couples should be the most intimate way two people can communicate with each other. Can married couples just have sex with each other and be happy. Absolutely! So, your friends that state that the have affairs and maintain a happy household are more than likely lying to you. I read a study one time about women that cheat. It stated that women normally don't feel guilt about cheating when they're current in the affair. The guilt comes after the affair is discovered and the reality of what they've done comes crashing down around them. They start to see the destruction of their marriage and their family. Then guilt city. Therefore, I believe your girlfriends would be singing a different tune if their husbands ever found out. You broke your vows. You broke your promise to the man that you said you loved that you would foresake all others. You shared yourself with another man. Therefore, your marriage ended the moment the two of you became three. Your marriage is a lie. Sorry to be blunt. And sorry to be blunt again, but you seem to have a "matter of fact" attitude. Like you don't really care. If that's the case, why are you afraid to tell your husband the truth? Point is, he has a right to know what's going on in the marriage that he's in.
whichwayisup Posted June 23, 2011 Posted June 23, 2011 Thank you for your post and questions to think about. I don't want to make a move I'll regret. This will be the last time I ever marry. Maybe I just don't understand why having an affair is wrong, especially if it keeps the marriage together. I struggle with this issue. I have friends that hold affairs and marriages with children very well without trouble. Each time I've been rethinking calling OM, but then I remember all the hard work he is. This is the reason I was considering someone else. In my life I never got why people thought they can faithfully go on in monogamous relationships forever. That's a mighty long time. God even Audrey Hepburn was an OW. Are you serious? How selfish! OMG, it only serves YOU. YOU are happier in the marriage because you had someone else on the side. It did NOT help your H. You were deceiving him, betraying your wedding vows, sleeping with another man! Your ways of thinking (sorry) is very foggy and screwed up. Your H KNOWS the truth, he's just waiting for you to confirm it. Put him out of his misery, even if it hurts him, atleast then HE can make a decision if HE wants to stay married to you or divorce you. I think you don't want him to know because you lose power, and control over everything.
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