marriage may be over soon

[weedsandposies]

Tonight I had a nasty fight with my husband. He can be so cruel so I just threw the affair at him. Not really confessing but telling him suppose I was having an affair. Basically he threatened to dig through all phone, email records, trace communications, etc. And if he finds it to betrue he'll embarrass me by putting the info in our local papers. I believe him. He has some of my passwords. Honestly at this point I just don't care.

 

I ended the affair a while back, last contact with OM was almost 3 weeks ago. I managed anexit from OM which has helped keeep the withdrawal low. Ever since my marriage has been rocky. I almost can't stand H anymore. And I miss the other man so much.

 

Should I just walk away? Sadly, I don't have the energy or inclination to fight for this relationship. H and I aren't meant to be.

 

Thanks for listening and any advice.

[drifter777]

Tonight I had a nasty fight with my husband. He can be so cruel so I just threw the affair at him. Not really confessing but telling him suppose I was having an affair. Basically he threatened to dig through all phone, email records, trace communications, etc. And if he finds it to betrue he'll embarrass me by putting the info in our local papers. I believe him. He has some of my passwords. Honestly at this point I just don't care.

 

I ended the affair a while back, last contact with OM was almost 3 weeks ago. I managed anexit from OM which has helped keeep the withdrawal low. Ever since my marriage has been rocky. I almost can't stand H anymore. And I miss the other man so much.

 

Should I just walk away? Sadly, I don't have the energy or inclination to fight for this relationship. H and I aren't meant to be.

 

Thanks for listening and any advice.

 

It seems like the only time you have been happy in your marriage the past couple years is while you were cheating. If that is true than I think you should split from your husband - at least try a separation. It seems to me like you are wasting both of your lives trying to make something work that just isn't going to happen. You both deserve a chance to try and find happiness and the sooner the better.

[Mr.Harris]

Tonight I had a nasty fight with my husband. He can be so cruel so I just threw the affair at him. Not really confessing but telling him suppose I was having an affair. Basically he threatened to dig through all phone, email records, trace communications, etc. And if he finds it to betrue he'll embarrass me by putting the info in our local papers. I believe him. He has some of my passwords. Honestly at this point I just don't care.

 

I ended the affair a while back, last contact with OM was almost 3 weeks ago. I managed anexit from OM which has helped keeep the withdrawal low. Ever since my marriage has been rocky. I almost can't stand H anymore. And I miss the other man so much.

 

Should I just walk away? Sadly, I don't have the energy or inclination to fight for this relationship. H and I aren't meant to be.

 

Thanks for listening and any advice.

 

With the way you're treating him, it would be a great benefit for him if you two divorced. He's completely justified in his feelings.

[Calif_hope]

Seems that you have a cruel streak youself!!!!!!

[y2k]

Tonight I had a nasty fight with my husband. He can be so cruel so I just threw the affair at him. Not really confessing but telling him suppose I was having an affair. Basically he threatened to dig through all phone, email records, trace communications, etc. And if he finds it to betrue he'll embarrass me by putting the info in our local papers. I believe him. He has some of my passwords. Honestly at this point I just don't care.

 

I ended the affair a while back, last contact with OM was almost 3 weeks ago. I managed anexit from OM which has helped keeep the withdrawal low. Ever since my marriage has been rocky. I almost can't stand H anymore. And I miss the other man so much.

 

Should I just walk away? Sadly, I don't have the energy or inclination to fight for this relationship. H and I aren't meant to be.

 

Thanks for listening and any advice.

 

Leave your husband. You clearly don't love him. If you loved him, you would have never have had an A.

 

Not to defend the fact that you had an A, but you shouldn't be in a marriage if you're not in love with your H. You obviously fell out of love with your H so the best thing to do for you (and him) is to leave him.

 

You miss your OM. Maybe you can try it with him. Maybe there's another man that you'll meet in the future. The point is you should go find out because your marriage (at least in your heart) is as good as over. Good luck.

 

But next time you're in a relationship or a marriage, please don't cheat. If someone else captured your heart, you should leave your husband/boyfriend FIRST. Good luck.

[Tayla]

Tonight I had a nasty fight with my husband. He can be so cruel so I just threw the affair at him. Not really confessing but telling him suppose I was having an affair. Basically he threatened to dig through all phone, email records, trace communications, etc. And if he finds it to betrue he'll embarrass me by putting the info in our local papers. I believe him. He has some of my passwords. Honestly at this point I just don't care.

 

I ended the affair a while back, last contact with OM was almost 3 weeks ago. I managed anexit from OM which has helped keeep the withdrawal low. Ever since my marriage has been rocky. I almost can't stand H anymore. And I miss the other man so much.

 

Should I just walk away? Sadly, I don't have the energy or inclination to fight for this relationship. H and I aren't meant to be.

 

Thanks for listening and any advice.

 

OKay first go consult with a lawyer . Secondly no newspaper or literature place will print such. Defamation of character and your rights would send a chain reaction to some womens group who I'm sure would support you.

 

I agree that your marriage has been over the moment you walked out on it to commence a new relations....So why are you putting the cart in front of the horse and asking us if you should walk away....you already did....Now get a lawyer and deal with adult matters , the playground days are over.

[whichwayisup]

Divorce him now. The kindest thing you can do for him is to set him free. You do not love him and he is in the midst of beginning to HATE YOU because he knows you've cheated and had an affair, he's just waiting for you to own it and say it out loud.

 

SAY IT. Then tell him it's time to divorce. DO IT. IF you don't, WTF are you so afraid of?

 

That the OM will balk and run the other way once you actually are divorced (you've treated him not well either and lied/played him) and you'll end up alone?

 

Being alone might actually benefit you in the long run.

[weedsandposies]

It seems like the only time you have been happy in your marriage the past couple years is while you were cheating. If that is true than I think you should split from your husband - at least try a separation. It seems to me like you are wasting both of your lives trying to make something work that just isn't going to happen. You both deserve a chance to try and find happiness and the sooner the better.

 

Yes, this is true. H and I tried a seperation last summer then decided to work on things. It was during that time I started the R with OM. And actually my first post on this forum was how the A saved my marriage. At the time I was going to continue the A to keep my M going. Then felt guilty about it and things with OM and me deteriorated, he did things I can't forgive.

[weedsandposies]

With the way you're treating him, it would be a great benefit for him if you two divorced. He's completely justified in his feelings.

 

We both mistreat eachother. Not healthy.

[weedsandposies]

Seems that you have a cruel streak youself!!!!!!

 

Sometimes I wonder if this M has made me into a bad person. We both had some success (work wise) during the M but our social lives are completely seperate COMPLETELY! We share nothing but dinner sometimes and a bed. NOTHING ELSE

[weedsandposies]

Leave your husband. You clearly don't love him. If you loved him, you would have never have had an A.

 

Not to defend the fact that you had an A, but you shouldn't be in a marriage if you're not in love with your H. You obviously fell out of love with your H so the best thing to do for you (and him) is to leave him.

 

You miss your OM. Maybe you can try it with him. Maybe there's another man that you'll meet in the future. The point is you should go find out because your marriage (at least in your heart) is as good as over. Good luck.

 

But next time you're in a relationship or a marriage, please don't cheat. If someone else captured your heart, you should leave your husband/boyfriend FIRST. Good luck.

 

I have never been passionately in love with H. And perhaps vice versa. That spark was never there. But we shared other things in common that helped move things along. But that's just not good enough anymore. We're actually emotionally becoming more distant.

 

OM is not the person for me HOWEVER lately I have been wondering if this is it? I would like to meet someone I'm more into.

[weedsandposies]

This is naive.

 

Love is not a feeling----------------------------Love is a verb.

 

Any married person can fall in romantic love with someone else if they allow it to happen. There is always a line that is voluntarily crossed before those feelings developed.

 

How do you explain that some people stay married for a lifetime whereas others go from relationship to relation (including affairs) every few years. The latter seek romantic enchantment at all times whereas the former work hard to maintain that romance they had with the spouse they committed to.

 

The happiest married person in the world can fall in love with someone else if they spend a lot of time together and decide to cross the line.

 

I agree with this and was the main reason I stayed in this marriage for so long. What's happening now is the commitment part is fading.

[weedsandposies]

OKay first go consult with a lawyer . Secondly no newspaper or literature place will print such. Defamation of character and your rights would send a chain reaction to some womens group who I'm sure would support you.

 

I agree that your marriage has been over the moment you walked out on it to commence a new relations....So why are you putting the cart in front of the horse and asking us if you should walk away....you already did....Now get a lawyer and deal with adult matters , the playground days are over.

 

True but if he has proof he'll find an outlet. Just the fact he said this disgusted me.

[weedsandposies]

Divorce him now. The kindest thing you can do for him is to set him free. You do not love him and he is in the midst of beginning to HATE YOU because he knows you've cheated and had an affair, he's just waiting for you to own it and say it out loud.

 

SAY IT. Then tell him it's time to divorce. DO IT. IF you don't, WTF are you so afraid of?

 

That the OM will balk and run the other way once you actually are divorced (you've treated him not well either and lied/played him) and you'll end up alone?

 

Being alone might actually benefit you in the long run.

 

I don't believe anyone is ever alone. Maybe just not in a committed R but so what? Some people aren't meant for LTR I may be one.

[weedsandposies]

I agree with divorce.

 

I hated it when my exwife wanted to stay married. It caused a lot of additional pain.

 

Divorce because this M is no longer viable. The A really wouldn't be the reeason.

 

Pierre, with all due respect you didn't even give your M a shot (I've read all your posts). You were hurt by your WS and decided to end it without trying, which you have every right. But maybe the painof putting together a M that really was never there is worthless.

[Mr.Harris]

We both mistreat eachother. Not healthy.

 

No you mistreated him, abusively. The only one who is healthy is him. Let him go, since you are unremorseful and won't even tell him the complete truth.

[Mme. Chaucer]

We certainly have no evidence that the OP's husband is "healthy." The marriage certainly is not.

 

Bottom line is, if you want this marriage to survive and get better, you are going to have to work very hard at it and include being totally honest with your husband so he will have the fair choice of whether to work on it too, or to walk.

 

Staying, cheating, abusively fighting ... WHY? If this is all there is, then try to stop the negativity and trash and just try to end the marriage in the most civilized and respectful way that you possibly can. Cut the losses.

[weedsandposies]

No you mistreated him, abusively. The only one who is healthy is him. Let him go, since you are unremorseful and won't even tell him the complete truth.

 

Is he really, do you even know his name? Or if he's had extra-marital affairs? Because I certainly don't. I'm looking for responses from adults.

[weedsandposies]

We certainly have no evidence that the OP's husband is "healthy." The marriage certainly is not.

 

Bottom line is, if you want this marriage to survive and get better, you are going to have to work very hard at it and include being totally honest with your husband so he will have the fair choice of whether to work on it too, or to walk.

 

Staying, cheating, abusively fighting ... WHY? If this is all there is, then try to stop the negativity and trash and just try to end the marriage in the most civilized and respectful way that you possibly can. Cut the losses.

 

My main reason for staying is because I would feel as if I've thrown away 8 years of my life. Not sure if that's a good enough reason.

[whichwayisup]

My main reason for staying is because I would feel as if I've thrown away 8 years of my life. Not sure if that's a good enough reason.

 

It's obvious that you don't love or respect your husband. Even in the throws of an argument and you play games and gaslight him, say stuff relating to you having an affair but you actually don't admit, and then he gets upset/pissed off.

 

Start by being HONEST and rebuild/go from there. I don't understand what you're trying to do or not do.

[Mr.Harris]

We certainly have no evidence that the OP's husband is "healthy." The marriage certainly is not.

 

The evidence is here.

 

Bottom line is, if you want this marriage to survive and get better, you are going to have to work very hard at it and include being totally honest with your husband so he will have the fair choice of whether to work on it too, or to walk.

 

Staying, cheating, abusively fighting ... WHY? If this is all there is, then try to stop the negativity and trash and just try to end the marriage in the most civilized and respectful way that you possibly can. Cut the losses.

 

She knows what to do, but she doesn't want to do it.

[Mr.Harris]

Is he really, do you even know his name?Or if he's had extra-marital affairs?

 

No one needs to know him personally to tell he's obviously being abused and mistreated from his spouse.

 

Because I certainly don't. I'm looking for responses from adults.

 

And you certainly are getting responses from adults. Now it's time for you to stop acting like a child and be an adult.

[whichwayisup]

I don't believe anyone is ever alone. Maybe just not in a committed R but so what? Some people aren't meant for LTR I may be one.

 

I meant alone as in not having a man in your life. Not you should alone with NOONE in your life.

 

Maybe you're not. Committment isn't for everybody.

[y2k]

Leave your husband. You clearly don't love him. If you loved him, you would have never have had an A.

 

Not to defend the fact that you had an A, but you shouldn't be in a marriage if you're not in love with your H. You obviously fell out of love with your H so the best thing to do for you (and him) is to leave him.

 

You miss your OM. Maybe you can try it with him. Maybe there's another man that you'll meet in the future. The point is you should go find out because your marriage (at least in your heart) is as good as over. Good luck.

 

But next time you're in a relationship or a marriage, please don't cheat. If someone else captured your heart, you should leave your husband/boyfriend FIRST. Good luck.

 

This is naive.

 

Love is not a feeling----------------------------Love is a verb.

 

Any married person can fall in romantic love with someone else if they allow it to happen. There is always a line that is voluntarily crossed before those feelings developed.

 

How do you explain that some people stay married for a lifetime whereas others go from relationship to relation (including affairs) every few years. The latter seek romantic enchantment at all times whereas the former work hard to maintain that romance they had with the spouse they committed to.

 

The happiest married person in the world can fall in love with someone else if they spend a lot of time together and decide to cross the line.

 

You don't understand love. You don't decide for it to happen. It just happens.

 

I pity the people who stay in loveless marriages. It shouldn't be an "obligation". It should be something both partners want mutually. If it's not, then it must end.

 

This is why I disagree big time with marriage vows containing "commitment" in it. I think such vows should contain "honesty" instead. This way, if one side no longer wants to be a part of it, and wants another, then honesty would allow the other side to split and end the marriage and explore what they want once the marriage is over. There is a reason half of marriages fail. To deny your humans feelings is wrong. I wouldn't deny mine, BUT I would be HONEST.

[y2k]

Leave your husband. You clearly don't love him. If you loved him, you would have never have had an A.

 

Not to defend the fact that you had an A, but you shouldn't be in a marriage if you're not in love with your H. You obviously fell out of love with your H so the best thing to do for you (and him) is to leave him.

 

You miss your OM. Maybe you can try it with him. Maybe there's another man that you'll meet in the future. The point is you should go find out because your marriage (at least in your heart) is as good as over. Good luck.

 

But next time you're in a relationship or a marriage, please don't cheat. If someone else captured your heart, you should leave your husband/boyfriend FIRST. Good luck.

 

I have never been passionately in love with H. And perhaps vice versa. That spark was never there. But we shared other things in common that helped move things along. But that's just not good enough anymore. We're actually emotionally becoming more distant.

 

OM is not the person for me HOWEVER lately I have been wondering if this is it? I would like to meet someone I'm more into.

 

Then don't deny yourself the chance to look and search. If your OM was not for you, then find another guy, but so it single. Don't listen to the people who just like to keep others in unhappy marriages. There are too many of those people in this board. If they want to live like that it's their business (and their loss IMO). But my opinion is that you control your own life.

 

You only live once, and maybe your true love is somewhere waiting for you. Maybe he's not. Maybe your OM is your true love and you just don't know it. No one knows. The point is that YOU should find out for yourself. Be free, but please be honest next time.