starz3 Posted June 19, 2011 Posted June 19, 2011 Hi I'm new here and felt like I just needed to share my feelings. A couple of months ago I found out my husband was cheating on me. We had been together for over 10 years and I was truly devastated. At the end of 2009 I noticed a change in him, he quit his job, started hanging out, and drinking a lot. I tried to be supportive, I thought maybe he was depressed. I tried talking to him and he only said he would change. Instead of getting better things became worse. He started staying out later and sleeping all day. He had become so lazy, he did not want to mow the lawn or take the garbage out. I noticed he constantly had a stuffy or runny nose. I asked him if he was using coke and of course he said no. He always blamed it on a cold or allergies. I did not really believe it, but I had no proof so kept going on with our day to day life. I had become extremely stressed though because I was working supporting us and taken care of our child while he did nothing, but party. We started arguing more and more. I even threw him out a couple of times hoping that would change him. Every time he came back he said he would change, but things were the same. I started noticing he became more secretive. I would ask him about drugs and cheating, but he always looked me right in the eyes and said he would never do anything like that. Then I finally found text messages and the other woman was saying she's tired of him going back and forth and when is he going to leave me. I confronted him and he tried to lie, but he finally admitted he cheated. I did not want to be next to him so I told him to leave. He tried to hug me and said he would fix things. After he was gone I started piecing things together. A lot of things started making sense, he would come home with new things and say his brother gave it to him. I found out through a close source he had been hanging out with a new crowed of people and they were all into coke even the woman he cheated with. I guess everything he wanted she got him and I was being a nag. What I don't understand now is that he not only abandoned me, but his daughter too. He never calls to check out her. She want's to spend time with him and no matter how hurt I am I still want my daughter to see her dad. I try in my mind to give him credit for all of the good years because he was an excellent man. He use to work hard and spend quality time with his family. I just don't understand how he let everything go. For the first 2 weeks he seemed to regret things, but now it seems like he's happy with his freedom. Everything seems so strange to me because he is completely different from the man I knew. I feel so alone, but I try to be strong for my daughter. Sometimes it's really tough though because I'm hurting so bad and I know she is too. Tomorrow is Father's Day and he will be no where around. I'm sure he's making time for this other woman since they get high together. I guess the cocaine is more important then anything and the scary thing is he has her to encourage this, so he may fall deeper into this and never get any help. I just wish I could have done something before things have gotten so out of hand. I miss my family and it hurts so much because he does not seem to miss us or care. I wonder if he's in love with this other woman or is it just the drugs. I also wonder if he will ever regret this. He left me financially and emotionally abandoned and now I have to pick up the pieces for me and my daughter while he's having fun.
Mauschen Posted June 19, 2011 Posted June 19, 2011 I've been where you are, and it takes time to heal and time to move on. From the sounds of it, you're daughter is probably lucky her father doesn't hang out with her since he is cheating on you and doing drugs - not really great influences for a child to see. And, yes, it does hurt to have all of the responsibility while he has none. So, you need to do something about it. First, document his lifestyle, keep a journal and a calendar of when he sees your daughter. Then take him to court for child support. Most states will base child support on something called potential income if a parent refuses to work. Still, you may never get any support from him, but you should at least try. Keep in mind that in the future, your daughter will thank you for being the responsible parent, and if he doesn't get his act together, your husband may loose out on really knowing his daughter or having any sort of relationship with her. How pathetic. In time, being responsible while he is "having fun" will pay off in your favor. You'll likely move on to have a normal, happy life, and he will likely repeat his mistakes over and over again (which isn't much fun in the long run).
robf1971 Posted June 19, 2011 Posted June 19, 2011 Hi I'm new here and felt like I just needed to share my feelings. A couple of months ago I found out my husband was cheating on me. We had been together for over 10 years and I was truly devastated. At the end of 2009 I noticed a change in him, he quit his job, started hanging out, and drinking a lot. I tried to be supportive, I thought maybe he was depressed. I tried talking to him and he only said he would change. Instead of getting better things became worse. He started staying out later and sleeping all day. He had become so lazy, he did not want to mow the lawn or take the garbage out. I noticed he constantly had a stuffy or runny nose. I asked him if he was using coke and of course he said no. He always blamed it on a cold or allergies. I did not really believe it, but I had no proof so kept going on with our day to day life. I had become extremely stressed though because I was working supporting us and taken care of our child while he did nothing, but party. We started arguing more and more. I even threw him out a couple of times hoping that would change him. Every time he came back he said he would change, but things were the same. I started noticing he became more secretive. I would ask him about drugs and cheating, but he always looked me right in the eyes and said he would never do anything like that. Then I finally found text messages and the other woman was saying she's tired of him going back and forth and when is he going to leave me. I confronted him and he tried to lie, but he finally admitted he cheated. I did not want to be next to him so I told him to leave. He tried to hug me and said he would fix things. After he was gone I started piecing things together. A lot of things started making sense, he would come home with new things and say his brother gave it to him. I found out through a close source he had been hanging out with a new crowed of people and they were all into coke even the woman he cheated with. I guess everything he wanted she got him and I was being a nag. What I don't understand now is that he not only abandoned me, but his daughter too. He never calls to check out her. She want's to spend time with him and no matter how hurt I am I still want my daughter to see her dad. I try in my mind to give him credit for all of the good years because he was an excellent man. He use to work hard and spend quality time with his family. I just don't understand how he let everything go. For the first 2 weeks he seemed to regret things, but now it seems like he's happy with his freedom. Everything seems so strange to me because he is completely different from the man I knew. I feel so alone, but I try to be strong for my daughter. Sometimes it's really tough though because I'm hurting so bad and I know she is too. Tomorrow is Father's Day and he will be no where around. I'm sure he's making time for this other woman since they get high together. I guess the cocaine is more important then anything and the scary thing is he has her to encourage this, so he may fall deeper into this and never get any help. I just wish I could have done something before things have gotten so out of hand. I miss my family and it hurts so much because he does not seem to miss us or care. I wonder if he's in love with this other woman or is it just the drugs. I also wonder if he will ever regret this. He left me financially and emotionally abandoned and now I have to pick up the pieces for me and my daughter while he's having fun. He'll be back one day, please do not take him back.
ensima Posted June 19, 2011 Posted June 19, 2011 Oh sweetie, I am going through the same exact thing as we speak minus the cocaine use. My husband uses alcohol as his problem solver. My husband also stayed out all night and come home drunk etc. I too thought this was a phase and that he was depressed. I wonder all the time if he will ever realize what he has given up in a partner and family for this time of freedom and irresponsibility. I wonder if he will regret it and if it will hurt his soul to the core like he and his actions have hurt me. Everyone says it will get better. I have yet to see the light...it is sometimes hour to hour for me to function and be a great mother to my 3 kids. Counseling has really helped me to make sense of the guilt I feel. It is natural to feel like you could have saved the marriage because you do not have any concrete reasons as to why it went to such an extreme place. Hang in there, and please don't hesitate to message me if you want to virtual shoulder to lean on. I understand your hurt, and am also coping as best as I can...talking and journaling really help. Best of luck and strength to get through this grieving process!
coolheadal Posted June 19, 2011 Posted June 19, 2011 Once they cheat they're always cheat. Don't take him back. My wife is cheating I don't care what you call it still cheating and she cant' be stop! Your husband the same. Think about how your life will be like with a cheater around. Not good.
Author starz3 Posted June 20, 2011 Author Posted June 20, 2011 I just wanted to thank everyone for responding. I'm taking your advice and trying to process everything day by day. Everyday has been different though, some days I feel pretty good and others I feel sad or extremely angry. I am glad I found this board because it will allow me to share my feelings with others that have been in the same situation. I know with time my emotions will begin to settle, but I am having a hard time understanding how a person I loved and who claimed to be my best friend could betray me like this. It hurts because I know I would have NEVER done something like this. I would have stopped to think about our bond together and most importantly our child.
Mauschen Posted June 21, 2011 Posted June 21, 2011 This board has helped me tremendously in hard times. Betrayal is hard to get through, but you will. Not everyone is like your husband!
Author starz3 Posted June 28, 2011 Author Posted June 28, 2011 Last week Tuesday my husband called twice. He wanted to know how my daughter and I were doing and if I needed any help around the house. He also said he would be over at the end of the week to give me money. Then he showed up on Wednesday and wanted take us out to lunch. I was hesitate on whether to go because I knew I might regret this, but I let my emotions get the best of me and went. I was curious as to why he seem to have a sudden change. Lunch was a a little strange, but nice because it reminded me of old times. After lunch we walked around the mall and as my daughter walked a little a head we began to talk. He brought of old things we used to do and how he would surprise me with a dress or shoes from time to time because he knew exactly what I liked. He asked me if I was seeing anyone and did not believe me when I said I'm just working on myself right now. He also told me he's been working again. On the way home he said he would call my daughter the next day and he would definitely be around to give me money. As you may guess I have not heard from him sense and of course never got the money he promised. My daughter tried calling him numerous times, but he will not respond. Now I really regret that day because it set both my daughter and I back. I know this may sound stupid, but I thought he finally was taking consideration about how my daughter and I felt. I now believe that day was just for him. He needed to make himself feel good. He wanted to feel like a family man again for the day and now he has dropped off the face of the earth again. He did not consider our feelings at all. I guess cocaine has really taken him over and this is the way he will be until he finally decides to get help. I think all this partying started out as fun and something he thought he could control, but now he's a slave to it. As I think back I believe he started using before he quit his job at the end 2009. I remember his nose was stuffy or constantly running then, but he blamed it on the construction that was going on in the building. I don't know why I did not think about that before. I believe he quit quit his job because getting high was becoming a bigger part of his life and when I say quit I don't mean he actually went in and gave a 2 week notice, he just decided one day that he wasn't going in and never went back. Now he must be at the point where it's full blown addiction. I can't take this any more. I'm tired of being miserable and sad. I know now more then anything I need to stop contact with him, but saying that is easier said then done because he does have the right to call or see his daughter. I just can't take the way everything is on his terms. He calls when he wants to, so that could mean days or weeks could pass before we hear from him again. I do believe my daughter and I need counseling, but wonder if we would benefit from something like Al-Anon. I never dealt with addiction before and did not realize how it could change someone in such a short amount of time. Our whole world has been turned upside down.
Lanelle Posted July 6, 2011 Posted July 6, 2011 Starz3 i know how you feel i have been going through this with my husband 3 yrs now. He is hooked on meth. He was a good father, husband, grandad worker but it all changed when he did that one drug. Marriage fell apart, affairs, left his kids 3 grown and one 12 yr old. It was and still is hard letting go. He is not the same person and he wont take care of important business that we both need to take care of. We have been married 29 yrs and together 34 yrs. We were high school sweet hearts. I was 14 he was 16 now I am 48 and he is 51. I am still in love with the real him but this other person I hate and cannot be around. I hurt when I see him and I hurt most of the time when I dont see him because of the betrayal and abandonment. Im lonely but I am getting stronger. I think about divorce but that opens up a whole lot more of problems that right now I dont think I could handle. I am so mad at him because I have been waiting for him to snap out of it but he doesnt seem to. I do hear from him maybe a couple times a week and sometimes he tries to hook up with me but I tell him no. I can no longer keep starting back over from square one.
Author starz3 Posted July 7, 2011 Author Posted July 7, 2011 Lanelle thank you so much for replying. It's amazon how similar our stories are. I feel like I'm trapped and tired of being consumed with this, yet I'm having trouble letting go. It's funny how in the past if I heard a story like mine I would think how could she want to be with a man like that. I now know it's not that easy letting go someone you have spent years with and have a child with. I thought if someone ever cheated on me that would be it and I could move on like it was nothing, but for some reason I can't at least not as fast as I think I should. You know the night before the fourth he called and ask what we were going to do. I couldn't believe he abruptly called me again after the last time he promised he would call, but never did. I'm sure he was aware our daughter was trying to get a hold of him for about 2 weeks and he never returned her call. He act as though everything was normal. He did not say he was sorry or mention the money he promised. I was very cold with him, kept it short and said our daughter will go to his mother house and he could see her there. I did this because I really wanted to start distancing myself from him, but then I did something stupid and saw him again yesterday. He took my daughter and I out again to eat. I know what I did was stupid because I keep setting myself up. Something inside of me is hoping my old husband will finally show up again. It has only been few months since our split, but I have to get a backbone and make a real effort to change my situation. I keep asking myself when am I going to say enough is enough and mean it.
Lanelle Posted July 9, 2011 Posted July 9, 2011 Hi Starz3, truly I understand you wanting to have the feeling of Love, and family when your husband wants you to be with him you are meeting his needs that he has to be with you and your daughter, then he disappears for along period of time until you meet that need again. It doesnt mean he doesnt love you it just means he is not giving up that drug yet an when he feels out of control with his life he needs you and daughter for normalcy. When we give them that then they are ok for awhile and continue to what ever they want. If you tell him you love him and really want the marriage to work he needs to go get help to get off drugs and he needs to stop hanging with the people he does. see the I told my husband this but i didnt stop letting him see me so this went on for a year and half and I think because I enabled it to continue he got deeper into whatever he is doing and doesnt want to get out of it . I hear from him it seems like every two weeks and he tries to want to be with me because he is crashing and is feeling out of control but for the first time I said no. I finally set a boundry and I was nervous and felt bad for saying no but then I realized he has treated me poorly hasnt cared about how he is treating me why should I care then I realized I set my first boundry. Then I didnt hear from him for awhile and I was a little upset that I sent him away but I just cannot live like I dont matter. I do matter and if he cannot meet my needs or love me like I should be loved then I am going to have to let go and If God wants us to get back together then that will happen when husband is off drugs and shows his undying love for me. Otherwise what my husband thought was trash by throwing me and my family away, someone else will see me as treasure and I believe God will give me that.
blazer2001 Posted July 10, 2011 Posted July 10, 2011 as a former alcoholic 10 months sober now i can truley say he will regret it i would give anything in the world to go back 24 months and not do the things i have done . i never cheated tho just did bad things and my wife hates me so bad , i once was a good man and i messed it all up and can only work on the future . but im sorry for your pain i know both sides of the story i miss my kids so bad and its only been a few days since i had to leave
Lanelle Posted July 11, 2011 Posted July 11, 2011 Hi Blazer, I would say to keep working on yourself and work on being free from alcohol, then work on being a good husband who meets his wifes needs and says the right things as well as do the right things. Reach out to your kids. show care you cannot go wrong with that but it must be real. Dont forget God, WITH GOD ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE.
Author starz3 Posted July 17, 2011 Author Posted July 17, 2011 Thank you for responding Blazer and I'm glad to hear you are trying to better yourself now. There's no way you can take back your past, but I'm sure if you keep focusing and striving to live a sober life your kids will be proud and thankful for a loving and caring father. I don't know what the future holds for my husband and I, but I do hope he can one day realize what a mistake he is making. His daughter misses the bond they had dearly. Lanelle like you I need to set boundaries. I tell myself this all the time, but in some ways I think I'm afraid of moving on. Sometimes I feel like I'm a hamster trapped in a cage constantly running around on his wheel. It still amazes me how cocaine has change my husband into someone totally different. Even though he started to change at the end of 2009 we had one last real Christmas together. He was so excited about the gift he bought me he could not wait until Christmas morning, so I had to open my gift Christmas eve and he told me how much he loved me. Then in the morning we were both up bright and early enjoying our daughter open her gifts. Then when 2010 Christmas came I could not even get him out of bed. He partied all Christmas Eve night, slept all Christmas day and disappeared Christmas night. I wonder if he realize how dramatically different he is. On a good note I am starting to feel more content with being by myself. I've been trying to think about the positive things I have in my life. Also as Ensima suggested keeping a journal has helped a lot. Hopefully all of this will get me to the point where I start to set boundaries and stick to them. I think once I stick to them I won't feel like a trapped hamster any more.
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