Badaboom Posted June 19, 2011 Posted June 19, 2011 (edited) I screwed up. My gf of 6 months broke up with me recently. Before that she was my best friend. We were as close as you can get. She changed my life ever since I met her. I have been suffering from PTSD and depression for almost my entire life. She alleviated a lot of my problems in life. My condition was gradually improving when I was with her, though she does not believe me especially after a few of my maniac episodes. The symptoms of PTSD includes irritation, particularly with close relationships with family, friends, or partners. There were a few times where I have gotten mad at her for no apparent reasons. It was tough for me to see her get emotionally hurt by them. I always apologized for my action afterward, and I tried to explain to her that I didn't mean to hurt her. Well, after several times of those, I can feel myself losing her. She told me she know it's not my fault, but it still deeply pain her. And then it happened again, this time it was really bad. I literally walked out while talking to her. But as my emotions calmed, I went back and apologized. But I could see on her face that she was gone. She was questioning our relationship. I felt at that moment that the world was coming down so I panicked, and I threatened to suicide if she leaves. I also have a history of being abandon during childhood so that amplifies it. Of course, I thought about it later, I knew it was so wrong of me to have done that. It was manipulation at its finest. I promised myself I was going to change and that I would get help to prevent all of this from happening again. I didn't tell her about it cause she was busy and I didn't want to bother her. I didn't want her to worry about me, so I just searched on my own for ways to help myself. But a few weeks later, she broke up with me in an email citing that my manipulative ways caused her unnecessary stress and that she no longer trust me. I tried to reach her to apologize and explain that what I have been doing to change. She completely ignored all of my communication with her. She even texted me that she would consider putting a restraining order on me if I try to contact her. While I have been seeing therapist for my condition, life is really difficult without her. I honestly don't have any close friends, only a few friends I see once a month or so. It's been three weeks, and yet my heart aches. Sometimes it hurts so badly, I can barely breathe. Regrets are gradually consuming me. I miss her more and more each day. Though I don't blame her for breaking up with me, it was my fault. I don't really know how to go on. I feel like I don't deserve to live after everything I put her through. What's the best way to resolve this? Edited June 19, 2011 by Badaboom
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