lilmisscheerful Posted June 18, 2011 Posted June 18, 2011 I've just finished a short term relationship, which with hindsight closely mirrored another 3 month relationship I had several years ago. I'm frustrated as I'm 32 and still waiting to experience being in love and having a long term relationship for the first time. In both relationships the man was very keen on me and moved the relationship forward quickly. In the first relationship the man suddenly became cold and dumped me on Valentine's Day. In the second relationship the man gave the impression he was serious about me (met parents and went away on holiday) but then his behaviour changed remarkably and he became very withdrawn, depressed and critical. It could be that these 2 experiences are just coincidences but I don't understand why I seem to attract cold and insecure men when I'm a warm and generous person. They both weren't like this to begin with as otherwise I'd never have reciprocated any interest in them. I just feel like I've been duped by men who have been wearing masks. Because I've not had a healthy relationship I feel I have nothing to compare things to. So how do I know when I am with a good person and when should I cut my loses? I want to sign up to online dating but don't trust myself to pick the good ones.
thatone Posted June 18, 2011 Posted June 18, 2011 who are you? education level? what type of people do you socialize with? what do you do for a living? who are these men? are their lifestyles similar? where did you meet them?
Author lilmisscheerful Posted June 18, 2011 Author Posted June 18, 2011 I am a university graduate and work as a project manager for a charity. I tend to socialise with other young professionals. The first guy I met on the internet and the second guy was a friend of a friend. The second guy's lifestyle is very similar to mine. We were set up by a mutual friend as she thought we'd be well suited.
thatone Posted June 18, 2011 Posted June 18, 2011 well you're not the female attorney picking up bikers in bars then, so that's not it . what was the situation with the valentine's day guy? why did he say he was leaving? were you seeing each other a lot or were your schedules conflicting? did the second guy say why his mind suddenly changed? was he dating other people at the same time? same thing did you see him often or not so much?
Author lilmisscheerful Posted June 19, 2011 Author Posted June 19, 2011 Valentine's guy was about 5 years ago. I was heartbroken and embarrassed to be dumped on such a day. Only a few days earlier he'd told me that he was in love with me, but then turned round and said very coldly that he couldn't see us having a long term relationship but never gave a definitive reason why. I just remember all the tears on my part. The recent guy was different. The last time I saw him he seemed very withdrawn and tense, although still keen to go to the bedroom (I said no as it felt wrong). I'm going through a very difficult family situation at present and didn't want to be messed about so we mutually agreed to split up. I didn't like how he'd become passive aggressive and wouldn't talk about his feelings. This is important to me, otherwise I feel empty in a relationship. I guess what I'd like to know is whether there's a way to spot a guy who has staying power from one that is going to flake on you? And also how can you work out their level of maturity early on?
thatone Posted June 19, 2011 Posted June 19, 2011 (edited) well, for online purposes if you meet one there that's easy. any email with typos or grammatical errors, just delete and don't reply. well educated people will be well spoken and well written. beyond that i could type forever and not cover it all, but it boils down to experience. when you say something at the beginning of a date about yourself and he asks a question about it later, that's paying attention and showing interest in what you have to say. can that be bullsh*t and a learned skill? yeah, but it's not easy. the vast majority of the time that suggests a normal stable person. generally, i avoid dating games of ignoring communication, the "three day reply" and other such things. people who have that mindset ingrained into their actions are just not worth the time and effort. if he responds to all of your phone calls and texts and emails he's showing interest. the flakes will play these games. polite, well dressed, well spoken. yeah we're 20 years into "gender equality" but screw it, i open doors, i pull out chairs, i order at the restaurant last, i put my hand on her back when we're walking through a crowd. those sort of things suggest someone who has enough social grace that they won't be completely awkward and out of place when it progresses past dating. the redneck in them may come out later but they should be able to speak properly on the first few dates to demonstrate that they can when it's appropriate. the same goes for how they dress. you don't show up to a first date in tshirt, jeans, and tennis shoes. people who do so are either ignorant or....well...ignorant. you don't want someone you have to teach like a child how to match their clothes. if they can't get that right there's a list of other things they can't get right, bet on it. keeping conversation appropriate. you don't unload your baggage from the most recent ex on the woman you're on a first date with. it's a sign of emotional weakness and just looking for the nearest shoulder to cry on. it's a play for sympathy, not mutual attraction. avoid those men, they're unstable and pathetic. they should be able to deal with their own issues without unloading them on someone else. there's nothing wrong with talking about those past relationships later, the conversation always comes up, but it shouldn't be on the first few dates. and above all other things, be honest with yourself about what you want. the sensitive, confident, assertive, easy going guy with tattoos and a motorcycle who wants a relationship with you does not exist. you have to pick and choose what traits you want and stick to that. don't settle for people with huge red flags or be afraid to simply say no when you know it won't go anywhere. confidence in women is just as attractive as confidence in men. flaky women who seem desperate for attention are the reason a lot of men dislike women in general. decide what you want, and go dating until you find it. as you get more dates under your belt you'll start to spot these things, it's just like anything else, you have to do it to learn how to do it. pick a week, reply to a dozen messages on the dating sites, set up a half dozen dates over two weeks, go on them all for the experience of meeting and reading people. you'll figure it out. Edited June 19, 2011 by thatone
Author lilmisscheerful Posted June 19, 2011 Author Posted June 19, 2011 Thanks Thatone, this is really helpful. I don't have an awful lot of dating experience and I know I've made the mistake in the past of going out with purely because they are into me and so therefore I think they are 'safe' and then focusing on meeting their needs. Also with the second guy, I trusted him more than I would have done in the beginning because he was a friend of a friend rather than a stranger.
daphne Posted June 19, 2011 Posted June 19, 2011 Avoid someone who does this.. http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/fast-forwarding-when-someone-speeds-you-through-dating/
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