unbelievableme Posted June 18, 2011 Posted June 18, 2011 (edited) i'll keep the early stages of the relationship to a minium as recent activities are more important to focus on. my ex gf and i have been together for 5 years, meeting in college. after much patience and fighting for her seeing her with other guys, she came back to me and we made it right. she's very quiet and has a shell around her emotions. she didnt have her father for very long, and was very old when she died at 16. she is 24 now. daddy issues plays a large role in her need for attention and male affection. college was rocky at times, but after we graduated we moved in together. she never wanted to be home as she has a strained relationship with her mother. grew up with not much. i, however, was more fortunate in what i had. times at my home were off and on, and she wanted to get an apartment together which i wanted so badly but we could not afford, so we had to wait on it. since i was home, i was always surrounded by my friends wanting to do things. i always asked her to join, and now i understand she just wanted to be with me. sometimes, i just needed that time out. i never wanted to smother her in college, but i retrospect, i think thats what she wanted. she had many crappy jobs and when i wasnt there for support (which emotionally is difficult for her to ask for as i can not always see it) she went to her ex and lied to me. didnt cheat, just saw him. i eventually let it go. she got offered her first real job in maryland, and when she took it, i decided to go with her, sacrificing many things at home, as she had sacrificed things for me in the past, to prove my love for her was real. we started anew, very happy where we were and the life we were going to start. i was unemployed for 2 months tho, and never brought money up because she had her own problems to be concerned with. all of our times together we very happy. our first christmas was probably the happiest i had ever been with her. but my frustration without a substantial job left me struggling and depressed. her quiet nature also left me feeling a lack of support on her end. she went and saw her ex again on a weekend i went skiing with my guy best friend to clear my head. i found out on my own 2 weeks later and asked for a break because we had grown apart. i was so frustrated when i asked, having been turned down from a job in ny that day (yes i was still living in maryland, but i had begun to resent the place since i was turned down from 16 jobs while i was there...yes i counted). we cried and expressed she truly didnt know how to live without me and that i was her best friend. all this was more emotion then she had ever shown. but i was still so hurt. we reconciled during the week. i regretted ever making her cry like that. but then she asked for the break as well saying she had been unhappy. i didnt change in that week, i was still depressed, just not cuz of her. we lived together 2 more months. initially i went on a date with someone back home in nj. it didnt work out and nothing happened. my ex had a guy over 2 weeks later and slept with him...in my bed. a combination of that and me being concerned with why my date went so bad left me even more confused. the thought of another man in my home made me want to leave. we had started sleeping together again but i couldnt tell if she was still seeing the other guy and me and the same time and it turned my stomach. she didnt want me to leave, but couldnt say it directly, only "you dont have to go", but the thought of another man in our apartment overshadowed my thoughts and i couldnt bare living with that thought in that apartment. a month without her made me realize more than she believes i could in my attitude and behavior and i went to rectify things, but she said her heart wasnt in it. she didnt want me to leave tho, and kissed and hugged me for as long as she could. we hung out a month ago alone at the beach for the weekend where we were laughing together, sleeping together, and were very intimate. we wanted to get past the past. we spoke every day for 2 weeks after that, then she stopped calling when i asked to arrange a camping trip that she had the idea for 2 weeks earlier. i am trying so badly when i know i shouldnt do anything. leaving things alone would be more beneficial to getting her back, which i do want. she called me after 2 weeks of NC and flirted with me on the phone, telling me i knew her so well, she was cleaning without a shirt on, etc. i feel so desperate and thats not like me, but with her, i just do it. our lease on the apartment is up in july. i know when i go to get stuff, whatever progress i have made will be lost. i lost my backbone and agree with her reasoning out of fear that it may really be over. i need to find the strength to tell her i want to commit myself to her forever but am so afraid of hearing the response. ive stood up to her before and she came back to me. im just not as confident this time around....now what? Edited June 18, 2011 by unbelievableme
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