M22 Posted June 18, 2011 Posted June 18, 2011 Long story short: lived together for 3 years, she wanted marriage, I was chicken. No abuse, no cheating, no trust issues, etc...She moved out 2 months ago, I've concluded she's the woman I want to marry. We were supposed to meet 3 weeks ago so I can tell her face to face how I'm feeling, but she cancelled. Communicated my feelings in 3 emails since, and sent flowers (I know, I know). So officially, she has gone 3 weeks NC with me. She doesn't work Fridays, and came over to my house on two consecutive weeks to get some of her stuff (she still has a key). But the last time she gathered a lot of her things, but left them here. Knowing she'd probably come back, I left some things out with little notes indicating that we are ripe for moving forward, but that eventually she's going to have to indicate one way or the other that she still wants to. Yesterday, she came over again while I was at work and took her bike, but left everything else behind. Friends say she is leaving some of her stuff behind to keep the door open with us. While that gives me optimism, I am beginning to feel some frustration/anger that she hasn't even responded to me, knowing how I feel, to indicate whether she needs time, or has completely moved on. I have met a few women while going out with friends, but haven't explored any of the possibilities because I want to remain loyal to my "ex" and not create a complication should we reconcile. Seeing all of her things at my house is beginning to make me wonder if I am hanging on to a false hope. A part of me wants to just go to her work, and ask her face to face whether I am still the man she wants to marry and have a family with (acknowledging we have some repairing to do). If she says no, then I will gather the rest of her things and bring them to her house. If she says, I need more time, then at least I know. Suggestions/Advice?
sun_moon Posted June 18, 2011 Posted June 18, 2011 No I disagree with Nyseto. That's called a breadcrumb and if you do that it's just going to frustrate the hell out of her. From a woman's perspective it will just make her angry at you. Your best approach is honesty and sincerity with all the bull **** aside. Surprising her at work will shock her in a bad way and I would not recommend that either.
usabup Posted June 18, 2011 Posted June 18, 2011 And sitting around waiting for that call isn't going to work either, it will just be a power struggle like it is for so many on here. From the research I've done, NC can actually drive two people farther apart if not done correctly. 100% true. NC should only be used when one party has indicated the relationship is over for good and NC should be used to heel/move on. If their is a chance for the relationship to work, then good communication is needed from both of you. I'm not saying hound the women till she gives you an answer, but asking her where you stand is perfectly fine. Relationships are not a game of "who can stay silent the longest"
geegirl Posted June 18, 2011 Posted June 18, 2011 It looks like she was invested in going all the way and you backed out. That could cause much uncertainty in her sense of security in the relationship and a future with you now. I can't blame her for feeling unsure about what to do and how to proceed. You have to understand she was building a future and a life with you throughout your R and it all came crashing down in an instant. That's blow to all that she thought was true. She's lost her trust in you and the hopes of a life she was planning with you. I think you should communicate, let her know where you stand and try to regain her trust. You have to understand where she is coming from. I'm not saying you should wait forever but give it some time and let it pan out by itself. In time you will know whether you've done all you could.
sun_moon Posted June 18, 2011 Posted June 18, 2011 And sitting around waiting for that call isn't going to work either, it will just be a power struggle like it is for so many on here. From the research I've done, NC can actually drive two people farther apart if not done correctly. If you read what I said. I agree he NEEDS to talk to her, but it has to be candid and honest. You need to tell her you want a solid future and ready for it. If she doesn't feel the same way and has changed her mind, then she needs to once and for all indicate through her actions and words, meaning she needs to get her stuff out, all of it, so you may begin to heal. I recommend: calling and leaving a message again short and sweet but make your motive CLEAR. If that doesn't work, email. It sounds like you have already done all that so I also recommend taking Friday off from work since you know that's when she comes by and surprising her in your home with that conversation. It's alot better than showing up at her work, making her mad, having no privacy, and probably getting her in trouble.
Author M22 Posted June 18, 2011 Author Posted June 18, 2011 No I disagree with Nyseto. That's called a breadcrumb and if you do that it's just going to frustrate the hell out of her. From a woman's perspective it will just make her angry at you. Your best approach is honesty and sincerity with all the bull **** aside. Surprising her at work will shock her in a bad way and I would not recommend that either. Thanks to everyone's response. I did speak to a mutual friend (female) who told me that when she received my flowers, she became angry. The friend thought it was because I was making a more overt effort to show affection more than I had in the past. She stated something similar to what you said, that is, if I showed up, that would probably make her extremely upset. Over the past 2 months, I have realized many of my actions that contributed to her leaving. The biggest fault of mine was complacency. I now know that I dropped the ball in romancing her every so often. In other words, I think I took her love for me for granted. I didn't nourish the relationship as I should. Knowing that the consequence of not doing the above is losing her, I am committed to making a conscious effort of performing relationship maintenance to ensure a healthy and strong relationship and marriage. I have communicated this to her in email with no response. If I call, I anticipate that she will not pick up. Would leaving this in a voicemail be recommended? At least then she could hear the sincerity in my voice?? It's hard for me to understand her firm freeze out. We have friends and family members who have gotten into screaming matches, endured physical abuse, infidelity, and had the police called on their significant others and spouses. In each case, except the infidelity, they have reconciled, and are still together today. I was only a little trigger shy on the marriage front, but I've overcome this and am ready to go all the way. Don't you think her reaction to me is a little disproportionate given my "transgression?"
geegirl Posted June 18, 2011 Posted June 18, 2011 You can't compare her reaction to your friends or families relationships. She is her own person in her own feelings and thoughts about what she will accept and won't. Maybe she's at a point where it's "too little too late" for her and your chickening out was her plateau. I don't know. Leave your message, as your last attempt, and if it's still not something she wants, leave her be. Most likely she has much to sort out in her own mind and you pushing her may not be in your favor.
sun_moon Posted June 18, 2011 Posted June 18, 2011 Yes, she's not going to answer. Leave the message and pray for your strength.
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