A broken heart after a long distance relationship breakup

[lovehurts161]

First of all it's gonna be a long post so thanks everyone for reading.

My story goes like this: In April, we met each other by chance in a coffee shop near his hotel while he was on a business trip in my country for the first time. After several hours of talking we got hooked up (although I didn't explicitly showed him that) and he said he wanted to see me again. The night ended with a long hug which I didn't realize that it's not really normal for friends until he told me the next day, so I guess he did feel something from my side.

The second day we met up, after talking for a while he looked deep into my eyes and said he liked me. However happy I was, I tried to hold myself back by pointing out all the obstacles and disadvantages if something really happened between us: the long distance (he's in Europe while me Asia), which I had experienced before with my ex when I moved abroad to study; I didn't want to risk myself in a long distance relationship as I was so afraid to get a broken heart again; we'd hardly known each other... In the end, I gave in and we kissed, and that's when he knew I also liked him. I really do, he's fun, caring, super sweet, handsome, gentle, open-minded yet conservative in some regard, serious, and good in bed., I can say everything I want in a man.

So in total we met 5 times. Then he left for his home country. And the day he arrived home I got an email that broke my heart for the first time, he said he was having a gf there, but he loved me and wanted to be with me. His reason was they'd been together for 7 years or so and got engaged, but because of being with each other for so long, the girl cheated on him by sleeping with his friend. (This story he had actually told me during the time we met up). But at that time he forgot to tell me he's stilling living with the girl in the same flat! He said, he was ****ing sad when finding out about that but in the end he agreed to give them another chance, but the relationship didn't really work. When I asked him why he didn't just stop and start afresh, he said she's deadly sick so he couldn't live her by her own, although they were more like friends sharing a flat now, sleeping on separate beds (he took some pics of the flat for me) and he would try to reduce physical contact with her. However, he still had to be there to take care of her, taking her to hospital, financially supporting her.

And the stupid thing I did was believe all he said and accept the situation as it was, that he's still living with his ex as a friend. Ever since he came back to his country we have been talking nonstop 8 hours per day on skype (he's at work so it's not really non-stop but he tries to spend as much time chatting with me as possible, as we see each other everyday on webcam).

We met again in May after 1.5 months on his business trip to another Asian country, I joined him there and we really had a wonderful, everything was great. And after the trip he quickly visited my country (also for business purpose) and met my parents. Everything was just perfect to that point.

And I could feel his strong feelings for me, his seriousness and sincerity in this relationship. He actually applied for a new job that allowed him to relocate to Asia, to be nearer to me and hopefully we could move in together, he told me about his dream of a good house where our beautiful children would be brought up. He deliberately mentioned marriage and the proposal "signs" several times (ofc it's only future plan as we've been together for 3 months only). I was deeply and happily in love, putting complete trust in him. Although the thing that he's still with his ex really bothers me.

So last week, I gathered the courage to ask him, if his plans to relocate to Asia didn't work, would we really have to end up everything, if I was willing would he let me move to his country in order to be with him? He frankly said the circumstances hadn't changed there, so it wouldn't work that way; that he's still trying to apply for new jobs; that he couldn't let his mom know about us because his mom and his ex were very close; that he loved me a lot and wanted to spend his life with me but if he couldn't relocate and start a new life abroad he wasn't sure whether he could totally end his situation with the ex (again for the health issue).

But the next day in his email, he said he needed time to consider everything, that he's afraid he would hurt me someday if he couldn't relocate or couldn't find a reason to break up with the ex.

And when we talked again, he acknowledged the truth that he's having some problems with his work, means he wouldn't be in charge of meeting up with clients in Asia anymore, mostly just stay in the office, and so far his 2 applications which he had so much confidence in failed. He still had 2 more but no longer confident of a positive response. It really scared me because so far, he's always the one to encourage me and give me faith in this love. But now he seems not to want to fight for this love anymore, I'm lost.

When I said I would be patient and waited for him, he asked what for? And he asked me what if he planned to marry the ex, what would I do? Then he said it's an assumption only, he has no future plan now, he's too tired to look at the future or put energy in anything. I was stunned when he said time could heal the wound, as I remembered how sad and devastating he told me he was when finding out about the cheat. I said I could endure the fact that he's living together with ex as friends, but that he might be developing something with the girl again I couldn't accept. Still he kept on saying everything was merely possibility and he didn't plan on anything now, he just didn't want to run the risk of hurting me in the future because he loved me so much and I deserved a better life. Even the day before he seemed panicked when I implicitly mentioned a breakup (I didn't really want it, just wanted to see his reactions), but that day when I said I still wanted to be with him, spending my life with him, waiting for him; he gave out that scary fact of something might be going on with them. Seemed he really wanted me to say Let's break up, even though he didn't say that.

So in the end, it happened, I never said Let's break up but when we mentioned stuff about being an ex, about broken heart... we knew it happened.

We agreed to be friends, and still keep on chatting everyday like before, although I've been careful not to mention love stuff that might make him feel stressed and burdensome. But sometimes I can't help it, and his reply is merely he's sad and devastating too, but he hopes good things will come to me. When I say I still secretly wait for him, for a miracle to happen, for him to change his mind, he changes the topic.

I know how stupid I am, I should have stopped everything in the first place when he told me about the situation. But I've been too much in love with him now, so it really hurts so bad, in the heart. I've been crying everyday, feel like no energy left on me and lose my appetite. I'm still so happy when we chat everyday, that I can still see him, and he still says he loves me, but deep down I know what we're doing here is wrong. Both of us only want a serious and committed relationship, so when the relationship has no future anymore, we have to completely end it.

But I love him, idiot here again, but I still hope by talking to me everyday he won't forget me, who knows he might change his mind some day, or some good opportunities reg jobs will happen, or he'll be able to get over his ex. I'm planning to give him a break, just talking purely as friends without giving him any stress or pressure, so that soon he'll regain all his hope, faith and energy in realizing the future with me. I still keep this last hope in me. My heart says go on with it while my mind tells me to stop, I have to move on without him.

I know the right thing to do is completely ending all contacts with him but I can't do it, I keep thinking of him 24/7 and cannot sleep. I never want to become a weak person but this is just me, and I hate myself for that.

I keep blaming myself for falling in love with him, keep bring up What if questions. But this is reality, it happened, nothing could be changed.

What should I do now? Has any of you guys been in this nightmare like me?

[adam029]

hey i just read your post and im in a similiar situation to you, but the difference my ex girlfriend has not contacted me since we broke up, she broke up with me.....long story short she couldnt handle the long distance issue, she missed seeing me, touching me and doing all the coupley things (e.g. movie dates)

 

i miss her like crazy, i cant stop thinking about her, we were perfect for each other...not being able to speak to her hurts like crazy but i hold hope that one day she will realise her mistake and come back to me. In the meantime ive been thinking about a quote i heard 'sometimes you have to let go of someone you love, if they come back to you there yours forever' i just hope that sentiment rings true for me and hopefully in ur case it does for you

[HeavenOrHell]

First of all, I'm sorry you are feeling this way.

He should have been honest with you from the start before your feelings for him became strong. Dishonesty is never a good starting point in a r/ship.

Amazing that he 'forgot' to tell you that he and his ex still live together. If they aren't a couple now (it's unclear from what you've said) he can't be expected to be paying for her still and taking care of her if he wants a new r/ship with someone else.

It was a bad sign he couldn't tell his mum about you as she's close to his ex (or gf, whatever she is) and that he might not be able to move because of her health, or if he couldn't find a reason to break up with her (although he said they weren't a couple anymore??!) then he couldn't be with you. He doesn't know what the hell he's doing.

On the one hand he was saying he wanted to spend his life with you and on the other hand he's asking what you feel if he planned to marry his ex!!!!!!!

I would run as fast as possible in the opposite direction. You can't trust this person, he wasn't honest with you and I bet he sure as hell didn't tell his ex/gf about you, or that you had sex. Is this the sort of person you want to spend your life with?

You can't be friends, it won't work while you have feelings for him and want to be with him, you will just feel constantly crushed and disappointed.

You really need to stop talking to him for your own good. If I can do it after 18 years with someone then you can do it too.

He's so not worth it, don't let him string you along.

Do you want to be feeling this miserable in a month or 6 months? If you stay in touch with him then you're not going to feel any better.

Good luck to you, keep us posted