fizzylady Posted June 18, 2011 Posted June 18, 2011 Hi everyone. I'm a first time user to this site and am in desperate need of some advice. For nearly 10 years now I have been given the blame for nearly everything that has gone wrong within my marriage and am living with a blamer who refuses for the most part to acknowledge his part in it all. Some 10 years ago, I lived in England with my 6 children from my previous marriage and met my now husband through a mutual friend. I had been told by him that his parents were both very ill and his mother was terminally ill and would be "dead within the year". As I had just lost my own mother to cancer, and as my husband was his parents primary carer at the time, I decided that his place was to be with his mother during her final few months. As my lease was due up on the house and I had no other home available to me, I made the decision to return to Ireland (my husband's homeplace) with him and gave my children the option of either coming with me or staying with their father in the UK to finish their schooling. The older three (aged 14+) wanted to stay with their dad and the younger three came with me to Ireland. Within a month or so of moving over here, I realised that his mother was not on her deathbed but chronically ill due to lung complications caused by years of smoking - something which she never gave up. I felt badly treated by the family from more or less the time I moved here. None of them were car owners/drivers, so I was used for transport purposes to take them everywhere. Not once was any attempt made to help me towards car costs when car problems arose. But if I was unable to meet their demands for lifts or favours, I was put down (not to my face but comments made to other people about me, including strangers). My children were also treated quite badly at the time, particularly by my sister in law and my husband who blamed them for any mess that went on in the house - whereas my sister's son (who sometimes admitted that it was him that caused it) went unpunished. It got so bad that when my two older boys hit their teens, they hated it so much here, that they returned to the UK. I stayed because I had nowhere to go - long since acknowledging that my husband and his family were so set in their ways that nothing would be anyway different. My problem is caused primarily by two individuals here who have caused problems for me. First and foremost is my sister in law. She left school at 9 years of age and does not read or write very well at all. Because of that, she has never worked. For the past 5+ years, she has looked after her parents (not through choice, after all my husband had been doing it for decades prior to the marriage - but simply because of the benefits she could claim for doing so). Despite caring for them, she constantly moaned to outsiders that we were not "doing our bit". We did what we could considering we had our own children, home and work to deal with - but, again, with them lot whatever I did was never sufficient enough for them. It transpired some years ago that my SIL was spreading rumours throughout the village that I had committed fraud, stolen from her father and was a bad mother. I confronted her about it and never spoke to her again up until recently. My husband, of course, defended her actions. Never confronted her about the upset it had caused me. She continues to spread lies and rumours about me - and he ignores it chosing to blame the people who TOLD me what was being said rather than the person saying it. A bit like blaming the gun which was pointed rather than the person holding it. The second individual is my husband's ex partner from more than 13 years ago. This woman and he had a brief summer fling after she separated from her husband. After being with my husband for 4 or so months, she found herself pregnant. Shortly afterwards she and her mother met with my husband and his mother (funny how powerful mothers are in Ireland) and his ex told my husband that she and her husband were reunited and that her husband would be raising the child as his own and that my husband would be having absolutely no contact with the child. She went on to have a little girl (Cliona) and my husband walked away as he didn't "want any trouble". For the first few years of my moving to Ireland I attempted (through the Courts) to gain access to the little girl even though my husbands mother and sister had told me on numerous occasions that Cliona was not my husbands child but was actually his exs' husbands. I was told that there was no family resemblance to the child to my husband or his family and I was only wasting my time in trying to let my husband gain access to her. At one time, his ex did ring him and say he could see the child but on her terms - ie at her house. We preferred somewhere neutral but she denied him this. On her terms or no terms at all. She asked to speak to me and when I attempted to contact her on at least 6 occasions she refused to speak to me. Even when coming across her in town or in supermarkets, she quickly walked away refusing to acknowledge me. This has been the case with her for 10 years now - up until recently. My MIL passed away last September and, whilst she was still holding on in the hospital surrounded by immediate family, my SIL decided she would contact my husband's ex to let her know. She showed up at the hospital with her mother and Cliona. At first, things were civilised - I was more annoyed that my SIL had contacted her - after all, WHY? But after 24 hours of my husbands ex being by my MIL's bedside, so much so that there was no room for me to sit beside her that I had to stand outside with my children - I pulled her to oneside outside the room and asked her, politely and quietly "why are you here Jackie"? She went for me. If I hadn't of moved, she would've punched me in the face. A barrage of abuse came from her mouth - "its none of your f***ing business" etc., etc. She then proceeded to go into the ward where my MIL and family were to pull my SIL to oneside and shout at the top of her voice "Joanne, I'm leaving as this f***ing bitch is causing problems like I knew she would" Again.........etc., etc., etc - barrage of abuse. My SIL walked outside with her and stayed outside with her for over 30 minutes - I guarantee you it was not to calm her down but to take her side. Of course, I was blamed for the whole scenario. But what happened next beggars belief in my eyes. At the wake the following day, my husband's ex and her family (comprising about 5 other members) came to my MIL's house. I was totally ignored and snubbed. When any of them walked past me, I was "shoved". It had gotten so bad that a cousin of my husband's saw what was happening and told me to remain with her in the kitchen so that she could make sure they didnt do it in her presence. I told my husband - nothing was said nor done. I told him that I felt it was best for me to return home with the children and return the day after for the funeral - to which he asked me to stay. So I did. Later on, despite the way I had been made to feel by her and her family - how scared I had been made to feel - my husband and her hugged one another. I felt betrayed. But I am still blamed for what happened. I was told that I should've shut up and stayed quiet. Let her and her family do what they wanted to humiliate me and my children. I was there to support my husband, even though I was miserable - as I knew it was the right thing to do - but I was wrong. I'm always wrong. I can't remember at any time during the last 10 years that my husband has ever stood up for me or grew a backbone. Even last night, another row erupted as to his sisters actions following the death of his mother and the fact that she has again been spreading rumours about me. Not only about me but about him. But it is MY fault because I let these rumours get to me. Am I wrong here? I feel abused - emotionally and mentally. Please help.
2.50 a gallon Posted June 20, 2011 Posted June 20, 2011 Why do you stay? After a decade you know it is never going to change I am not married, but have been with my lady for 15 plus years, I love my family, but they know to not ever think about pointing their finger at my lady, or trying to tell her how she should do this or do that if she hasn't asked. Quite simply she is number one
Author fizzylady Posted June 21, 2011 Author Posted June 21, 2011 Thanks for taking the time to reply. Why do I stay? I think it's because its the fear of the unknown and "better the devil you know". I am also scared of being alone in a country that is not my own and having to cope with the children alone.
Mauschen Posted June 21, 2011 Posted June 21, 2011 With my ex-husband, I had to deal with very difficult in-laws. My MIL once fed everyone but me, while I sat on the couch in the living room alone. Just like your husband, my ex never took my side, told me I was too sensitive, that his parents were old and set in their ways, etc. I am so glad to be rid of them, but unfortunately, my 2 children still have to see them, and they complain about my ex-in-laws constantly. The most recent episodes include my ex FIL telling my daughter that her mother (me) doesn't have a real job and that she (my daughter) is stupid because she takes after me, and they often ask the children, "who do you love more, us or your mother?" So, if I were you, I'd let your husband know that you've had enough of his family and of him not standing up for you, his wife. If things don't change, you'll be on your way. There is life after divorce. You will find some place to stay. Your life will go on. And you may even be happier.
Author fizzylady Posted June 21, 2011 Author Posted June 21, 2011 Your reply really touched me. I'm sorry that you had to go through all that. I think it's gotten to the stage where I feel I am so emotionally abused that I am brainwashed as to whether his and their actions against me are right or whether it is indeed me. Particularly with the incidence at the funeral where I was to blame for "starting" on his ex whereby not one of them stood up for me. I was threatened and humiliated during those three days by him and by them. I know what needs to be done and I have a plan in mind to finish my Law Degree here and then move back home, but what I really needed was reassurance from outsiders to tell me that what I am feeling is normal and that no one else would be expected to tolerate what I have been going through - that it isn't just me. Thanks.
Mauschen Posted June 21, 2011 Posted June 21, 2011 I understand how you feel. In my marriage, I often felt like I was going crazy because my view of reality was clearly so different than that of my in-laws. Do finish your schooling, and then leave unless things change drastically. No one deserves to be belittled and humiliated constantly. Also, there was no reason at all why your husband's ex should have been at the hospital or the funeral. I find it very strange that she was there. I would never show up to my ex's parents' funerals, and we were married for 6 years. I think it would be really tacky in my case (because we don't have a relationship and because my ex is remarried).
Author fizzylady Posted June 21, 2011 Author Posted June 21, 2011 My husband insists that I was wrong in that "there is a time and a place for everything" and I should have remained quiet in the hospital and not asked his ex what she was doing there. I should have left her and her family to walk all over me and to have dealt with it afterwards. I would point out that some 9 months later on, he still hasnt "dealt" with her by telling her that how I was treated was wrong and asked her to stay away in future. He wouldn't. No backbone. But thanks for your kind words of advise. I know its not me.
Recommended Posts