chelle21689 Posted June 18, 2011 Posted June 18, 2011 There's this guy I've been seeing that is everything I wanted...just one issue...he's not much of a conversationalist. He doesn't really stimulate my mind because he doesn't express his opinions and perspectives. Sometimes his conversations are awkward...I mean once in a while we'll get in a pretty good conversation about something. I'm really stressed because I want things to work out and because I know how hard it is to find a good guy and I finally find one. He is fun and everything, we joke around, it's just deep conversation is rare.
SomewhatExperienced Posted June 18, 2011 Posted June 18, 2011 For me, intellectual stimulation is of utmost importance. When I meet a girl who can really match me in conversation, or even better, challenge me, I know I have something special that I need to explore deeper. When I date someone who doesn't do that for me it's a deal breaker, at least for any sort of long-term relationship. But it depends on the things you need to be happy. If you need stimulation, then it's a no go. But what I would say now is don't fret about it. Do you enjoy the relationship now as it stands? If yes, then stick with it until you're sure you need to move on. Don't try to make the relationship be something it's not, but don't dismiss it as less than it is. This also made me think of this stand-up bit. It might drive a point home but if not it's still pretty funny.
Author chelle21689 Posted June 18, 2011 Author Posted June 18, 2011 What do you mean by physical stimulation? sexually? LMAO
rafallus Posted June 18, 2011 Posted June 18, 2011 (edited) What do you mean by physical stimulation? sexually? LMAO Duh. How old are you (both actually)? Edited June 18, 2011 by rafallus
Els Posted June 18, 2011 Posted June 18, 2011 Duh. How old are you (both actually)? I find that it is mainly the young and immature who seek 'physical'/sexual stimulation above all else. Take that as you will. OP, I think it depends how much you prioritize 'deep' conversation with your partner. Strangely enough, there are people who are indeed happy without needing to bond on that level - whatever works for them, I'll say. It's of utmost importance to me, a top criteria, so I definitely wouldn't settle for someone with whom I wasn't on the same mental wavelength with.
Citizen Erased Posted June 18, 2011 Posted June 18, 2011 Save yourself months/years of boredom and break it off. So not worth it.
rafallus Posted June 18, 2011 Posted June 18, 2011 (edited) I find that it is mainly the young and immature who seek 'physical'/sexual stimulation above all else. Take that as you will. Nice trolling attempt, but nowhere I suggested priority of kinds of stimulations. I will only add that explicitly neglecting physical stimulation is no better than neglecting mental stimulation. Edited June 18, 2011 by rafallus
Els Posted June 18, 2011 Posted June 18, 2011 Uh huh. What does that have to do with the OP's question at all, then?
denise_xo Posted June 18, 2011 Posted June 18, 2011 For me, intellectual stimulation is of utmost importance. When I meet a girl who can really match me in conversation, or even better, challenge me, I know I have something special that I need to explore deeper. When I date someone who doesn't do that for me it's a deal breaker, at least for any sort of long-term relationship. But it depends on the things you need to be happy. If you need stimulation, then it's a no go. But what I would say now is don't fret about it. Do you enjoy the relationship now as it stands? If yes, then stick with it until you're sure you need to move on. Don't try to make the relationship be something it's not, but don't dismiss it as less than it is. I second every word of this.
Cee Posted June 18, 2011 Posted June 18, 2011 (edited) He may lack social skill and grace and therefore isn't a good talker. I'm not sure whether you can work around that, but you could try to have talks around various non-personal topics. For example, you could watch a movie and analyze it. Or check out a news board, read it together, and talk about it. Also, people tend to have a clear perspective on things they know well. Try talking about subjects he's passionate about whether it's computer programming, politics, interpretive dance, or glass blowing. Or confront him on it: "I notice you don't express opinions and I want to hear them. Why don't you share with me?" This is just a few ideas. I think your intuition will tell you the proper path. Good luck with him. Edit: I love the Ron White clip. I saw the entire routine on Netflix a couple weeks ago and it's so hilarious. Edited June 18, 2011 by Cee
tb24 Posted June 18, 2011 Posted June 18, 2011 I'd say talk to him about it first and see what he thinks. Don't just break up with him and leave him wondering what he did wrong.
thatone Posted June 18, 2011 Posted June 18, 2011 the death knell of my dating any particular woman are the words "i don't get it?"
oaks Posted June 18, 2011 Posted June 18, 2011 Sometimes his conversations are awkward...I mean once in a while we'll get in a pretty good conversation about something. So he can be chatty about some topics, presumably ones he's familiar with, but not about others. Are you sure the problem is his conversational skills or do you have less in common than you thought?
Author chelle21689 Posted June 20, 2011 Author Posted June 20, 2011 We can talk about things which isn't an issue. It's just his ability to elaborate and express his view points. But I think what someone mentioned above was a good idea ...one time we were together and conversation was a lot easier when we were talking about martial arts and looking up youtube clips and interacting physically.
OliveOyl Posted June 20, 2011 Posted June 20, 2011 My BF isn't as intellectual as my ex or some other guys I've known, nor is he quite as witty. I wondered if this was going to be a problem but I have realized it's not an issue so far. Mainly because despite this we haven't yet run out of things to talk about. He is open to discuss anything... no subject is off limits, there are no walls, he is extremely open and honest, and I LOVE that. Whereas my ex would hit a wall and not want to talk, or disliked/got bored talking about certain things (such as how his day went at work). My current BF and I talk about the most mundane subjects, up to the profound.
Author chelle21689 Posted June 20, 2011 Author Posted June 20, 2011 (edited) I really don't want to break things off as many people suggest to do. I like him and I want things to work...I do believe there is chemistry in other areas. Like your boyfriend, Olive, he is open to discuss anything and give me his opinion. How did you learn to accept it? I really want this to work out. Actually mundane every day talk about how our day went or about little things is easier for him to talk about than philosphical stuff hahaha. If our relationship were to end I wouldn't want it to be me worrying constantly throughout so much that I couldn't enjoy what we have now, ya know? It's hard not to worry because that is how I am. I wish I could stop Edited June 20, 2011 by chelle21689
Feelsgoodman Posted June 20, 2011 Posted June 20, 2011 I find that it is mainly the young and immature who seek 'physical'/sexual stimulation above all else. Take that as you will. Interesting theory. I guess the flip side of the coin is that it's mainly the aging/menopausal who seek "deep" intellectual stimulation above everything else...because it's the only kind of stimulation they can get at their age. Take that as you will For me personally, "deep" conversations with my girlfriend are not very important. If I want to a have an intellectually stimulating discussion about politics, economics, philosophy or some other "deep" subject, there are other people that I can have this discussion with. In fact, I'd much rather not engage in these types of discussions with my GF at all. After a long day at work, the last thing I want to do is to discuss the prospects of peace in the middle east or the global financial crisis. I'd much rather engage light-hearted, funny, meaningless banter. In my view, it's much more important to have a similar sense of humor than some sort of a super deep intellectual connection.
Eternal Sunshine Posted June 20, 2011 Posted June 20, 2011 It's important for me to be on the same intellectual wavelength as my partner. That's what first attracted me to my current boyfriend. If I sense that a guy is less intelligent, I lose respect for him and have to dumb things down. On another side, if a guy is too intellectual (like some I work with in academia) - they can make me feel intimidated and unable to relax. So while I admire them, I am unable to form a personal connection. I also dislike dry intellectuals who don't have a sense of humor. They bore me as much as the less intelligent. My personal preference is witty banter with easy bouncing back and forth, someone who doesn't get offended easily by sarcasm, and has some "in depth" knowledge in areas that interest me (psychology, technology, cinema). Also, general easy flowing conversation, where I don't feel the need to either dumb things down or deliberately use fancy words.
Author chelle21689 Posted June 20, 2011 Author Posted June 20, 2011 Interesting theory. I guess the flip side of the coin is that it's mainly the aging/menopausal who seek "deep" intellectual stimulation above everything else...because it's the only kind of stimulation they can get at their age. Take that as you will For me personally, "deep" conversations with my girlfriend are not very important. If I want to a have an intellectually stimulating discussion about politics, economics, philosophy or some other "deep" subject, there are other people that I can have this discussion with. . I don't care about politic conversation and stuff like that. I honestly know little about that myself so I can't carry on a conversation about that. I just would like him to tell me his perspective and opinion. Not an "I don't know" answer...or give my open ended question a finalized answer with just a sentence. I could have a conversation about food for all I care and be interested lol as long as they gave me their thoughts hahaha and some meaningless random fact I could learn
Author chelle21689 Posted June 20, 2011 Author Posted June 20, 2011 It's important for me to be on the same intellectual wavelength as my partner. That's what first attracted me to my current boyfriend. If I sense that a guy is less intelligent, I lose respect for him and have to dumb things down. On another side, if a guy is too intellectual (like some I work with in academia) - they can make me feel intimidated and unable to relax. So while I admire them, I am unable to form a personal connection. I also dislike dry intellectuals who don't have a sense of humor. They bore me as much as the less intelligent. We do have a similar sense of humor in joking around. I know he's not an idiot for sure or less smart than me because he knows a lot of certain things that I don't and could learn from him and vice versa.
Eternal Sunshine Posted June 20, 2011 Posted June 20, 2011 I don't care about politic conversation and stuff like that. I honestly know little about that myself so I can't carry on a conversation about that. I just would like him to tell me his perspective and opinion. Not an "I don't know" answer...or give my open ended question a finalized answer with just a sentence. I could have a conversation about food for all I care and be interested lol as long as they gave me their thoughts hahaha and some meaningless random fact I could learn It sounds like he is just poor conversationalist....
OliveOyl Posted June 20, 2011 Posted June 20, 2011 Interesting theory. I guess the flip side of the coin is that it's mainly the aging/menopausal who seek "deep" intellectual stimulation above everything else...because it's the only kind of stimulation they can get at their age. Take that as you will If I had to choose between the two, I'd rather have great sex on a regular basis than deep intellectual conversation... and I'm no spring chicken... For me personally, "deep" conversations with my girlfriend are not very important. If I want to a have an intellectually stimulating discussion about politics, economics, philosophy or some other "deep" subject, there are other people that I can have this discussion with. In fact, I'd much rather not engage in these types of discussions with my GF at all. After a long day at work, the last thing I want to do is to discuss the prospects of peace in the middle east or the global financial crisis. I'd much rather engage light-hearted, funny, meaningless banter. In my view, it's much more important to have a similar sense of humor than some sort of a super deep intellectual connection. I agree with this.
Els Posted June 21, 2011 Posted June 21, 2011 Interesting theory. I guess the flip side of the coin is that it's mainly the aging/menopausal who seek "deep" intellectual stimulation above everything else...because it's the only kind of stimulation they can get at their age. Take that as you will Contrary to your beliefs, menopausal women (and men at that age, too!) can often have very high sex drives. But yes, most of us should perhaps seek some sort of a balance, despite it usually being very tenuous to achieve. When my menopause comes in 30 odd years or so, assuming my sex drive plummets as you insinuate, I would like to have a partner by my side that I can relate to in ways other than sexual, as well. For me personally, "deep" conversations with my girlfriend are not very important. If I want to a have an intellectually stimulating discussion about politics, economics, philosophy or some other "deep" subject, there are other people that I can have this discussion with. In fact, I'd much rather not engage in these types of discussions with my GF at all. After a long day at work, the last thing I want to do is to discuss the prospects of peace in the middle east or the global financial crisis. I'd much rather engage light-hearted, funny, meaningless banter. In my view, it's much more important to have a similar sense of humor than some sort of a super deep intellectual connection. I think you have a rather narrow view of what constitutes intellectual stimulation. It really depends on the person - I abhor political discussions but hold intellectual stimulation in great respect. If someone shares your passions, mental wavelength, sense of humor, and 'gets what you say', it usually qualifies as intellectual stimulation.
Author chelle21689 Posted June 21, 2011 Author Posted June 21, 2011 Good conversation to me is one that flows, keeps my interest, and I have fun talking to the person. Today we had a good conversation...if only we could have more of these I'd be set. Maybe I'm over analyzing...good conversation doesn't have to happen all the time right?
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