msbrightside Posted June 18, 2011 Posted June 18, 2011 My xMM and i started our affair 2.5 years ago. His now xW left him a year ago after discovering our A ( she left him for a MM in a revenge A) xMM ended our A when I told him I wanted to work on my marriage; but i ended up filing for divorce 2 mos later. So now both of us are single (tech i am separated) but we now live 1100 miles apart. When our A ended he said he wanted to stay friends and I agreed that I did as well. But I loved him (still do). He showed through cards, letters, and in person how deeply he once loved me. Although I have tried to not flirt via text and phone I do, and he flirts back occasionally. But he is very guarded and never shows the love that he once did. So I will be in his city next weekend, and I texted him tonite to ask if we can meet for coffee and catch up. He replied, "I don't know if that's a good idea". I said, "why not?" He said, "What purpose would that serve?" I didn't reply because I was so pissed. I thought we were friends. Can anyone please shed light on this for me?
MissBee Posted June 18, 2011 Posted June 18, 2011 (edited) I don't think there is much light to be shed Msbrightside. I realize life is so much easier when you believe what people say instead of trying to over-analyze it, esp. when we're trying to analyze it and turn it into a different meaning than what is being said and more importantly, shown. For whatever reason (which is probably what you want to know, but none of us know except him) he doesn't think hanging out with you is a good idea. He said so. He doesn't want to get together. He point blank said it serves no purpose. You say you flirt with him and he occasionally does it back but overall he is not initiating this flirting or carrying on in any grand romantic and loving manner towards you. You guys aren't "friends"...people love pulling the friend card post breakup but it hardly ever turns out to be a true friendship and this sounds just like that. We could guess at why he doesn't want to "be friends" or hang out all month long, but it doesn't matter. Maybe he is over you, maybe he is interested in someone new, maybe he is depressed,maybe this or that. Who knows! What you DO know though, is that he is not trying to be close to you like that anymore and you have to respect that and not bark up the why tree or trying to convince him otherwise. It is tempting to analyze this person to the death and figure out why in an attempt to get things how YOU want them to be and to not feel rejected but often it is a waste. I know you feel bad about it but the best thing to do is to not take it personal, accept his decision and leave it be. And to answer the question of "What does he want?"....Nothing it seems. I didn't expect the post to be like this based on the title...as from the post it is pretty clear he doesn't want anything and I don't think he is giving you any secret messages to decode (we love to give ourselves messages to decode though when the true message isn't pleasing to us). Edited June 18, 2011 by MissBee
Gentlegirl Posted June 18, 2011 Posted June 18, 2011 I'd say he wants to forget about you. Why don't you just let him do that and get past him? Gentlegirl
Woman In Blue Posted June 18, 2011 Posted June 18, 2011 I agree with Gentle Girl. Seems that once your xMM moved over 1,000 miles away, he put your past relationship in a box and packed it away up in the attic. It's a done deal for him and he's moved on. Accept that gracefully.
myname Posted June 18, 2011 Posted June 18, 2011 I have said similar things (that I don't think it's a good idea and what would be the point) to xMM when he has recently talked about meeting up. My reasons for saying those things are cos I don't want to get into the affair again (he's still married so your situation is different), but maybe it's a similar thing, he can't see what future there is in you two anymore after all that's happened and he doesn't want to get back involved under those circumstances?
Breezy Trousers Posted June 18, 2011 Posted June 18, 2011 Because I don't have feelings for him, I can tell you what it looks like from here: Possibility: Cake eater who wanted the new excitement, attention and sex of an affair on the side, making it appear "real" to OW and believing no one would ever find out. This the same sort of guy who blames his BS/marriage for "forcing" him to have an affair, causing OW to pity him and work hard to show how much better she is for him .... This guy had serious, fairly quick consequences as a result of his affair with you. Now I suspect he is blaming you for those consequences and wants to move on and/or wasn't as serious about your relationship as he presented himself to be and is now in a new relationship. Reality: He's done. Most guys only want friendship with women they want to have sex with. I have no doubt he sent you cards and letters and spoke with passion. Contrary to popular opinion, Helen Fisher, anthropologist, says her research shows that many people can be very happy with their committed relationships and also be happy in a romantic relationship on the side. Romantic love is very different from committed love, though. Move on, MissBrightSide. You've been spared. He's clearing the space for you to be with someone better.
bentnotbroken Posted June 18, 2011 Posted June 18, 2011 Nothing to explain. He doesn't want to have coffee with you. Do you need a reason every time someone says yes to your request or only when they say no?
Ellin Posted June 18, 2011 Posted June 18, 2011 He might have moved on and perhaps wants to be on his own for now, or is in a new R and doesn't want to appear willing to re-start something between you two. Or he might have sufferred as a result of your A and wants to put it behind him.
whichwayisup Posted June 18, 2011 Posted June 18, 2011 In his own way he's told you he is done and doesn't want to open that door again. Be upset, be pissed off, but accept that he has the right to not want to see you anymore. He doesn't owe you much more than that so I really hope you let go and don't chase him or ask him more questions about WHY he doesn't want to see you. Let it go and heal... He is your past and just because you two had an affair, albeit, it's over now and he's divorced, you're separated doesn't mean that you two are going to be together. Sorry that you're hurting though.
Author msbrightside Posted June 18, 2011 Author Posted June 18, 2011 Thanks for the advice, everyone. I'm stuck in over-analyze mode for sure and there's no point in it. It still doesn't make sense to me, especially since he has contacted me a couple of times in the last few months to supposedly "check on me" as I deal w my divorce. I definitely feel rejected and it sucks that he doesn't care to see me when I'm in town. I finally realize that we were never friends after the breakup and all this has done is delay my healing. Only way to feel better is to do the best I can to erase any memories and go NC for good. Thanks for helping me see it from his side. I agree that he doesn't owe me an explanation but I can honestly say that, if the roles were reversed, I would have clearly stated the "why not". Maybe he has better boundaries than me. Time for me to put it in my past, too, and I just did.
Ellin Posted June 18, 2011 Posted June 18, 2011 Msbrightside, he DID send you mixed signals and it's understandable that you feel the way you described. He seemed willing to keep in touch but not to get any closer than that for reasons that we can only guess. His reaction to your meeting invite makes me wonder if he's scared of something. Like I said, it could be lots of things - off the top of my head, he could be scared of re-opening some "old" stuff or you learning something about him he doesn't want you to know. Ultimately, he only knows what his motives are and if he doesn't want to tell you, you cannot find out. You might feel that you are left without the necessary closure, but that's what happens to many of us.
Breezy Trousers Posted June 18, 2011 Posted June 18, 2011 Nothing to explain. He doesn't want to have coffee with you. Do you need a reason every time someone says yes to your request or only when they say no? Excellent advise.
Emme Posted June 18, 2011 Posted June 18, 2011 He could still be angry because he might be blaming you for his marriage failing. Anger gets the best of some people. Sometimes they use that anger to fuel hate/dislike. He has flirted with you, yes... but he in his mind he's questioning do I want to start something with this woman who is miles away. What would be the point of having my emotions out there when nothing will become of it. Best to leave things as is because we can't form a real relationship. He could have many reasons but at least he was honest with you. Try and see if you can look at it from his perspective.
fooled once Posted June 19, 2011 Posted June 19, 2011 I don't think there is much light to be shed Msbrightside. I realize life is so much easier when you believe what people say instead of trying to over-analyze it, esp. when we're trying to analyze it and turn it into a different meaning than what is being said and more importantly, shown. For whatever reason (which is probably what you want to know, but none of us know except him) he doesn't think hanging out with you is a good idea. He said so. He doesn't want to get together. He point blank said it serves no purpose. You say you flirt with him and he occasionally does it back but overall he is not initiating this flirting or carrying on in any grand romantic and loving manner towards you. You guys aren't "friends"...people love pulling the friend card post breakup but it hardly ever turns out to be a true friendship and this sounds just like that. We could guess at why he doesn't want to "be friends" or hang out all month long, but it doesn't matter. Maybe he is over you, maybe he is interested in someone new, maybe he is depressed,maybe this or that. Who knows! What you DO know though, is that he is not trying to be close to you like that anymore and you have to respect that and not bark up the why tree or trying to convince him otherwise. It is tempting to analyze this person to the death and figure out why in an attempt to get things how YOU want them to be and to not feel rejected but often it is a waste. I know you feel bad about it but the best thing to do is to not take it personal, accept his decision and leave it be. And to answer the question of "What does he want?"....Nothing it seems. I didn't expect the post to be like this based on the title...as from the post it is pretty clear he doesn't want anything and I don't think he is giving you any secret messages to decode (we love to give ourselves messages to decode though when the true message isn't pleasing to us). Great post MB!!! I'd say he wants to forget about you. Why don't you just let him do that and get past him? Gentlegirl Agree. Morning, he just isn't into you. Yes, it sucks to be rejected; but did you want to restart the affair? You can't go backwards - you can only go fowards. People like to think they can be friends, but in many cases, you can't be. They say "let's be friends" but very few follow through, they are just saying it to be nice. Let go of him. Let go of the past. Time to live for the present; not the memories of the past. You know how many OW realize AFTER the affair that the MM was nothing but a big fat liar? Maybe he feels this about you? Doesn't matter - the point is he has told you basically he has no intention of restarting the affair. Let him go. Good luck and please don't try to further contact him. It is only going to cause you pain.
bentnotbroken Posted June 19, 2011 Posted June 19, 2011 He still has feelings and was deeply hurt that you wanted to work on your marriage. He is afraid you will hurt him again... Sure he is. And I am really a super hero with an S on my chest.
IzzyB Posted June 20, 2011 Posted June 20, 2011 He still has feelings and was deeply hurt that you wanted to work on your marriage. He is afraid you will hurt him again... Actually, this is highly possible. It wouldnt be the first time that a person who felt rejected by a lover responded in kind when given the opportunity. It sounds like although he did give mixed messages OP you are doing the smart thing and moving on. Good on you. Oh, and Bent, It's good to know that you actually don't believe you are a super hero. I was wondering about that.
bentnotbroken Posted June 20, 2011 Posted June 20, 2011 Actually, this is highly possible. It wouldnt be the first time that a person who felt rejected by a lover responded in kind when given the opportunity. It sounds like although he did give mixed messages OP you are doing the smart thing and moving on. Good on you. Oh, and Bent, It's good to know that you actually don't believe you are a super hero. I was wondering about that. I am a super woman, no need to be a hero too. Too many titles can get a bit confusing.
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