trueluV Posted June 18, 2011 Posted June 18, 2011 I recently met a new guy while i was traveling in a foreign country, and we felt immediate attraction to each other (or maybe it was just me...) and traveled together for a few weeks. from the moment we started talking to each other, we talked a non stop of 7-8 hours, and that went on for a few weeks, and we felt very comfortable...and we got back to the states, and followed up on our get-together. met about 5 times (he initiated), and every time we enjoyed, then- he stopped contacting me! it's been about a couple of weeks now. i don't know how to take this. for information, he is a single guy who's in his late 30's, never been married (not gay!).... also, for some reason, (i'm shy) we haven't had any sort of physical contact, not even a hug, other than a hand shake. your thoughts are greatly appreciated. thank you
blackmagik Posted June 18, 2011 Posted June 18, 2011 A guy can back off really anytime he wants just like a girl can. Especially with NO physical contact? Really? He probably has no way to gauge your interest if you haven't even had contact after over 10 dates. Its sad to say but I think you lost this one.
Pasttense Posted June 18, 2011 Posted June 18, 2011 He initiated all the dates? Why don't you call him up and initiate a date? Perhaps he feels that since you never initiated any dates you weren't really interested.
musemaj11 Posted June 18, 2011 Posted June 18, 2011 (edited) He got sick of your passiveness. I mean not only he had to initiate all of the 10 dates but also after all that only a handshake came out of it? You are lucky you are a woman. If you were a man, you probably would never even get a single date all your life. Edited June 18, 2011 by musemaj11
carhill Posted June 18, 2011 Posted June 18, 2011 If he didn't initiate any sort of physical contact, either he's got a booty call somewhere or mental problems. My guess is he moved on to greener pastures or went off his meds. Regardless, any person can change their mind at any time for any reason and never communicate it. Such appears to be the 'in' thing these days. 'Bout time to work on that shyness, IMO, if you want to have a healthy LTR. It takes two people putting in equal effort and interest to make them work. Sitting back will buy you a wheelchair for one at the nursing home. Good luck
rafallus Posted June 18, 2011 Posted June 18, 2011 Just handshakes? In my book these aren't dates, just meetings with a colleague.
Author trueluV Posted June 18, 2011 Author Posted June 18, 2011 yeah, it's funny, right? only hand shakes a first few times and nothing... but whenever we met, we had a sincere conversation and truly enjoyed sharing the time together. maybe no physical thing comes from my culture (asian) though i know 10 dates and just a hand shake is quite extreme. since he was the one who initiated all the dates, i did send him an email a week ago and asked if he wants to get together sometime, and he hasn't replied to that. he is a very mature and sincere guy, and i know he is preparing for relocation for his work and extremely busy. it's funny how this 10 date turned out, but when we were meeting i thought he could be the one, despite my serious 4 year crush (on my other old threads- strong crush to a friend, going on 4 years...) thought i moved on...and now i am lost again. since i was the one who last sent an email, i think the balls are in his court now.... guys are so mysterious and complicated! any thoughts?
oaks Posted June 18, 2011 Posted June 18, 2011 any thoughts? It's over before it began. Find someone else.
blackmagik Posted June 18, 2011 Posted June 18, 2011 since i was the one who last sent an email, i think the balls are in his court now.... guys are so mysterious and complicated! any thoughts? I would sure hope so. . As for guys being mysterious and complicated I think you are giving yourself these problems. If nothing has happened by date 3 or 4 I would be gone so you are lucky to have made it this far.
Cee Posted June 18, 2011 Posted June 18, 2011 I suggest you pick up the phone and call. You've traveled together and have had many long conversations. I think that level of closeness warrants you to ask him, "I miss you. What's going on?" I see no harm in doing that. If he's a good guy, he'll be honest and gentle in whatever he says to you. Also, by you being more forward, you indicate that you want to meet him halfway. I've developed a thick skin over the years and I much prefer to hear the truth than to speculate on what has or hasn't happened.
Author trueluV Posted June 18, 2011 Author Posted June 18, 2011 I suggest you pick up the phone and call. You've traveled together and have had many long conversations. I think that level of closeness warrants you to ask him, "I miss you. What's going on?" I see no harm in doing that. If he's a good guy, he'll be honest and gentle in whatever he says to you. Also, by you being more forward, you indicate that you want to meet him halfway. I've developed a thick skin over the years and I much prefer to hear the truth than to speculate on what has or hasn't happened. thanks for your comments. I guess you are right, we did share deep conversations and i felt close to him. i would like to ask him or tell him "i miss you", but if he's already backing off (though i haven't done anything), i'm afraid of making him to really back off from me and think of me being clingy... and what if he didn't have any interest from me in the first place, other than a person he met through traveling? and since there was no physical contact, i wonder if he really just considered me as a "friend" or a "travel buddy" and i'm too "naive", and if that's the case then i would look stupid by showing my feelings to him, when he didn't have any to start from. or should i show i am interested in him and be ready to lose everything? humm,,this is quite confusing. either i lose him by being more direct to him, or take it slow and be a friend...or lose everything. I thought i showed my interest by seeing him whenever he asked me to, and i initiated last time. never thought it would turn out this way. so confusing!
Cee Posted June 18, 2011 Posted June 18, 2011 There is nothing you can do to lose him. He either likes you or he doesn't. You calling him isn't going to drive him away. Nothing will change by you calling except you will know the answer for sure. The odds don't look good about him having interest, but calling him is a good way to practice assertiveness. As I understand it, men don't like to do all the chasing. So by you calling him, you are practicing being an equal in a relationship. I see this as a win-win situation. If he doesn't like you, so what? At least you aren't waiting for him to call you. And you can focus your energies elsewhere.
thatone Posted June 18, 2011 Posted June 18, 2011 There is nothing you can do to lose him. He either likes you or he doesn't. You calling him isn't going to drive him away. Nothing will change by you calling except you will know the answer for sure. The odds don't look good about him having interest, but calling him is a good way to practice assertiveness. As I understand it, men don't like to do all the chasing. So by you calling him, you are practicing being an equal in a relationship. I see this as a win-win situation. If he doesn't like you, so what? At least you aren't waiting for him to call you. And you can focus your energies elsewhere. pretty much. it's not so much that men don't like chasing, it's just that we can't chase indefinitely. at some point she has to let us catch her a bit, or the chase seems fruitless. and a handshake is NOT an equal response to all that chasing.
BCCA Posted June 18, 2011 Posted June 18, 2011 My guess is he's gotten the feeling that you weren't looking for a boyfriend, but for a guy to give you attention. If you've hung out more than a couple times and you haven't even given him a hug (let alone a kiss), how does he know you're interested? I hear women all the time say things like 'and we talked for hours' as if that's a way to show affection. News flash: guys don't like to talk for hours on the phone. We'll do it to show interest, but if all we're doing is talking on the phone and shaking hands, I'm gonna feel used pretty quick. Its give and take, and he probably felt like it was a lot of giving and no taking. If you're too shy to hug/kiss/etc with a member of the opposite sex, you need to grow up quite a bit before you date. Be realistic, this guy had no sign that you wanted more than a friend, and probably wanted more than you were willing to offer.
threebyfate Posted June 18, 2011 Posted June 18, 2011 Did he initiate any physical contact beyond the handshake(s)? If not, it's possible he saw you as a friend.
Author trueluV Posted June 18, 2011 Author Posted June 18, 2011 Did he initiate any physical contact beyond the handshake(s)? If not, it's possible he saw you as a friend. see...that's why it's so confusing to me. he didn't initiate any physical contact other than a handshake. that means he saw me as a friend...? so that's why i couldn't initiate anything either, then he thought i think of him as a friend? gosh...anyway seems messed up and got lost somehow by now.
fishtaco Posted June 19, 2011 Posted June 19, 2011 Are you sure those were dates? Things get really fuzzy if you don't intentionally make it clear. As a man, I'm aware of this because some women will happily accept the free meals, then play dumb and pretend it was only friendship later. This is less of an issue for women, but as seen in this case, sometimes it could be too. Hence it's always a good idea to make it clear what type of date it is. Recently I talked to one of my friends for 10 years (female) who is married. This friend, my sister, and I made plans to go have dinner and catch up. After the time and place was set, she said "It's a date!". My point is, "date" is an overloaded word that even when you specifically use it, the meaning is still ambiguous. Have to be careful. As a man, I make the asking of the date very formal, and I try to initiate some sort of physical contact (that is past just friendship, as in, hugs don't count) by the end of the first date. At the latest, the second date. For a woman, I'm not sure how you could "make sure" the date is a date. Perhaps other LS ladies can chime in.
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