Pace when Dating

June 18, 2011

When I like someone, I mean REALLY like them and want a relationship with them I know immediately—within hours of meeting them. After the first date, I know if I will ever be able to be in love with someone. Sure, he may start to later display unappealing qualities, which means I might have to stop dating him, but I know immediately whether or not I could fall for him.

So, after the first date, if I decide I like a guy, I want the relationship to start moving forward immediately. I don’t want a week to go by before we see each other again. I don’t want a couple of days lapse in contact. If I’m waiting a week to go out with someone for a second time, it means I’m going just for fun, but I know I will never want a relationship with that person. If a guy does this to me (doesn’t move quick enough), I’d assumed he wasn’t really interested and I would tend to back off in order to avoid getting hurt (because it seems we want different things).

Is this an unreasonable expectation—to expect someone I’ve just met to want to move quickly? Do most people not feel the need to move so quickly? What are your experiences with this? Did your relationship begin immediately or did it slowly develop?

June 18, 2011

If both of us felt that attraction, then yeah, the relationship moved quickly. However, Im usually VERY slow at making up my mind, so when a relationship moves too quickly I feel pressured and sort of freaked out ...

So I would say it depends on how both parties feel

June 18, 2011

If both of us felt that attraction, then yeah, the relationship moved quickly. However, Im usually VERY slow at making up my mind, so when a relationship moves too quickly I feel pressured and sort of freaked out ...

So I would say it depends on how both parties feel

So basically you think that if it’s not moving quickly it’s because one party (or both) doesn’t feel a strong attraction or isn’t drawn intensely enough to the other?

Like you, I know right off the bat whether or not I'm going to fall for someone. And yeah, I'd like the relationship to move quickly.

But I don't push for that.

I think it's better and makes for a stronger relationship to take it slowly even though it drives me nuts. Besides, those early thrilling moments should be savored.

I drives me crazy too! I guess because I only move slowly when I don't like someone and I'm trying to convince myself to like them (which I've done in the past, but don't do anymore).

I just wonder if it's possible to have intense attraction for someone, yet want to move slowly. I don't understand how the two could coexist.

June 18, 2011

I tend to move quickly into a relationship, but I did have one boyfriend who moved more slowly. I followed his pace and we ended up just fine. In fact, I thought he was sensible in taking things more slowly.

June 18, 2011

So basically you think that if it’s not moving quickly it’s because one party (or both) doesn’t feel a strong attraction or isn’t drawn intensely enough to the other?

No, no, thats not what I meant.

What I want to say is that some people have a different pace of, some people are attracted fast, and decide that this is IT, and want the relationship to move right along, whereas some people take a longer time to get to that point. So sometimes the faster one has to slow down a little or risk pushing the other away.

I don't see why 2 people who are both intensely attracted wouldnt want the relationship to move along fast, although there may be questions on whether the attraction is merely physical or superficial. The more cautious partner may still hold back a little more till they are certain that it's for real.

So in the end, I guess taking the time to slowly discover more while moving the relationship along is not really such a bad thing. Might as well enjoy the journey, but not for too long till one partner gets too frustrated.

June 18, 2011

When I like someone, I mean REALLY like them and want a relationship with them I know immediately—within hours of meeting them. After the first date, I know if I will ever be able to be in love with someone. Sure, he may start to later display unappealing qualities, which means I might have to stop dating him, but I know immediately whether or not I could fall for him.

So, after the first date, if I decide I like a guy, I want the relationship to start moving forward immediately. I don’t want a week to go by before we see each other again. I don’t want a couple of days lapse in contact. If I’m waiting a week to go out with someone for a second time, it means I’m going just for fun, but I know I will never want a relationship with that person. If a guy does this to me (doesn’t move quick enough), I’d assumed he wasn’t really interested and I would tend to back off in order to avoid getting hurt (because it seems we want different things).

Is this an unreasonable expectation—to expect someone I’ve just met to want to move quickly? Do most people not feel the need to move so quickly? What are your experiences with this? Did your relationship begin immediately or did it slowly develop?

maybe you could spend less time thinking about what you think and more time telling him what you think.

June 18, 2011

Whats the longest you ladies ever "dated" someone? I've been seeing this girl for 2 months now and she doesn't seem interested in getting super serious which is kind of frustrating.

June 18, 2011

maybe you could spend less time thinking about what you think and more time telling him what you think.

Neal, we would either love each other or hate each other IRL:)

I don't want to scare him off by telling someone I don't know well how I think we should just jump head first into a relationship. I would seem crazy (and it does sound pretty crazy and not sensible) and I can't imagine it going over well. I feel like I made it clear how I felt on the date and I really can't do much else. (Though I'm considering asking him out if he doesn't ask me. Maybe).

I tend to move quickly into a relationship, but I did have one boyfriend who moved more slowly. I followed his pace and we ended up just fine. In fact, I thought he was sensible in taking things more slowly.

You didn't think he was keeping his options open in case someone better came along or just not that into you? That's what I think because when I really like someone (which isn’t often), I get so energized at the thought of seeing them and talking to them that i can barely contain myself! And I tend to be emotionally reserved, generally. I guess I wonder why they don’t feel the same way, the same drive to be together, unless it’s for the obvious reason (that they don’t feel the same way).

I know I just need to relax. He texted today, but didn't say anything about getting together. You said you followed your ex's pace, so is it better for me to wait for him to ask me out, or give it a couple days, and if he doesn't, ask him out?

June 18, 2011

I wish I had paced when I dated my ex. I rushed into things wound up getting hurt and left out in the cold:(

June 18, 2011

I tend to want to move quickly when I like someone, and luckily my current BF is the same way--at least, he was with me. We were an official couple less than two weeks after our first date but were exclusive 'by default' from the start because neither of us were seeing anyone else at the time we met. I moved in with him after two months. We plan to spend the rest of our lives together.

June 18, 2011

Neal, we would either love each other or hate each other IRL:)

I don't want to scare him off by telling someone I don't know well how I think we should just jump head first into a relationship. I would seem crazy (and it does sound pretty crazy and not sensible) and I can't imagine it going over well. I feel like I made it clear how I felt on the date and I really can't do much else. (Though I'm considering asking him out if he doesn't ask me. Maybe).

You didn't think he was keeping his options open in case someone better came along or just not that into you? That's what I think because when I really like someone (which isn’t often), I get so energized at the thought of seeing them and talking to them that i can barely contain myself! And I tend to be emotionally reserved, generally. I guess I wonder why they don’t feel the same way, the same drive to be together, unless it’s for the obvious reason (that they don’t feel the same way).

I know I just need to relax. He texted today, but didn't say anything about getting together. You said you followed your ex's pace, so is it better for me to wait for him to ask me out, or give it a couple days, and if he doesn't, ask him out?

i'm more likeable IRL . i get to be the as*hole on here that i'm not in person. i still think the same things and say basically the same things, just say them more tactfully in person i suppose.

here, we can role reverse, i'll spend the rest of this post talking about myself ...

i tend to oversimplify things, admittedly, but the points behind them are generally sound. i'm the kid that had a book in my hand EVERY day from the time i was 6 or 7 years old, until now at age 34 up to and including yesterday. i was the one who stumped the Advanced Grammar professor in college on a fairly consistent basis. and i worked in radio for awhile, so that's what i'm good at. i can steer conversation. i can emulate someone's speaking habits, to gain their confidence, then react to what they say.

so that's how i play such things, but i'm a man so i'm kinda supposed to. i drop hints, but they're fairly big hints typically, and they are simple to-the-point statements. if i get a response, i don't really care what the response is. if the response is hesitant, i can back off and plan around hesitant. if the response is excited and open, i can respond to that too.

i don't typically get "hated" as a response because of the polite nature of my IRL banter. i get intimidated returned as a response sometimes. i get frustrated returned as a response too, and that's my fault when it happens, i'll admit, because of the tendency to try to steer the direction i want in conversation. someone who isn't equally quick and clever will sometimes get upset after the fact sometimes when they realize that they wanted to say something that they didn't say and i didn't give them a chance to say it. that's the downfall of choosing to be that way (and it is a choice, i work at it, i could simply stop), i have to be careful not to push too far. because i'm not really changing their mind, i'm just making the conversation i want to have easier for them. i have to remind myself that sometimes.

so the point of all that is i'm not really hesitant to say what i think, in as far as dating is concerned. i'm assuming by the time that i say whatever it is, there's at least a comfort level in the conversation, because i try to make people comfortable in talking to me.

and then you just have to know what to respond with, to not scare the other person away. if they respond hesitantly to your opinion of moving things along faster, you can just reassure them that you're ok with that and can handle moving at their pace. as long as you keep the conversation comfortable, it should turn out ok.

but keeping the conversation comfortable is a skill that not everyone has. and i'm not bragging or suggesting you don't, it's difficult from either side of the fence. if you can have such conversation and the guy can't keep up, it can be equally tricky. but not everyone has the same communication skill, and actually if they did i think relationships would generally work out better. people are often more well intentioned than they are well spoken in explaining those intentions.

so there's the long non-as*hole version .

PS: which is why i'm hopelessly smitten by women who are confident conversationalists or talented writers/speakers. even to the point of i'm not physically attracted to her but agreed to an exclusive non-sexual arrangement because of good conversation. you can see that in another thread, lol.

Edited June 18, 2011 by thatone

June 18, 2011

So, after the first date, if I decide I like a guy, I want the relationship to start moving forward immediately.

Do you give him a clue at the end of the first date by telling him you want to see him again?

I know what you mean about the pace. I don't like week-long gaps between early dates if I like her, because I want to keep the momentum going, but sometimes that's how schedules work when you just met someone new. I've got other pre-booked things and so has she (and I don't mean other dates) and it's too early to "come and meet all my friends".

June 18, 2011

i dunno what my pace is anymore XD cuz some guys say that they feel like they're the woman in the "relationship." they just dunno i am already in love with them XD

June 18, 2011

i'm more likeable IRL . i get to be the as*hole on here that i'm not in person. i still think the same things and say basically the same things, just say them more tactfully in person i suppose.

here, we can role reverse, i'll spend the rest of this post talking about myself ...

i tend to oversimplify things, admittedly, but the points behind them are generally sound. i'm the kid that had a book in my hand EVERY day from the time i was 6 or 7 years old, until now at age 34 up to and including yesterday. i was the one who stumped the Advanced Grammar professor in college on a fairly consistent basis. and i worked in radio for awhile, so that's what i'm good at. i can steer conversation. i can emulate someone's speaking habits, to gain their confidence, then react to what they say.

so that's how i play such things, but i'm a man so i'm kinda supposed to. i drop hints, but they're fairly big hints typically, and they are simple to-the-point statements. if i get a response, i don't really care what the response is. if the response is hesitant, i can back off and plan around hesitant. if the response is excited and open, i can respond to that too.

i don't typically get "hated" as a response because of the polite nature of my IRL banter. i get intimidated returned as a response sometimes. i get frustrated returned as a response too, and that's my fault when it happens, i'll admit, because of the tendency to try to steer the direction i want in conversation. someone who isn't equally quick and clever will sometimes get upset after the fact sometimes when they realize that they wanted to say something that they didn't say and i didn't give them a chance to say it. that's the downfall of choosing to be that way (and it is a choice, i work at it, i could simply stop), i have to be careful not to push too far. because i'm not really changing their mind, i'm just making the conversation i want to have easier for them. i have to remind myself that sometimes.

so the point of all that is i'm not really hesitant to say what i think, in as far as dating is concerned. i'm assuming by the time that i say whatever it is, there's at least a comfort level in the conversation, because i try to make people comfortable in talking to me.

and then you just have to know what to respond with, to not scare the other person away. if they respond hesitantly to your opinion of moving things along faster, you can just reassure them that you're ok with that and can handle moving at their pace. as long as you keep the conversation comfortable, it should turn out ok.

but keeping the conversation comfortable is a skill that not everyone has. and i'm not bragging or suggesting you don't, it's difficult from either side of the fence. if you can have such conversation and the guy can't keep up, it can be equally tricky. but not everyone has the same communication skill, and actually if they did i think relationships would generally work out better. people are often more well intentioned than they are well spoken in explaining those intentions.

so there's the long non-as*hole version .

PS: which is why i'm hopelessly smitten by women who are confident conversationalists or talented writers/speakers. even to the point of i'm not physically attracted to her but agreed to an exclusive non-sexual arrangement because of good conversation. you can see that in another thread, lol.

It's cool you gave us insight into you!

I've never had a problem with you. I was just convinced you didn't like me (the online me, of course). I wonder how many people are similar IRL to who they are on LS. I feel like I'm VERY different IRL.

June 18, 2011

+1 I love it when people share what they are like IRL on LoveShack. It gives me a sense I'm in a community with real people rather than a collection of personas.

Back to the topic at hand, I think online dating and internet technology has thrown a huge wrench in the dating process. Back in the Dark Ages, I had one night stands or LTRs. Either I got a call or didn't. A guy would be stupid to not call a woman for a week because she'd be back out there. Now, people can string people along through texting, Facebook chit chat, IM, etc.

One commonality I have found in modern dating is that the men who were serious in me for a relationship were not dating any other people. Even the ones on the dating sites hinted that they liked dating one person at a time. I'm sure there are plenty of men who choose one person out of many, but I am never that girl. I'm basically added to the harem of prospects until one of us pulls the fade.

I don't know about your guy, Iris, but taking it slow via infrequent text communication is different than what my slow ex did. He took it slow by taking me on dates once a week and not progressing too quickly sexually. But I knew from the start he wasn't dating anyone else. We became official as boyfriend and girlfriend the night we had sex.

June 18, 2011

I think I'm the weird one here. I've never met anyone and 'instantly' wanted a relationship with them. My first few dates are usually about hanging out, getting to know each other, having a good time, etc. For me to get into relationship-mode, I sorta need to be worn down a bit by the guy.

June 18, 2011

+1 I love it when people share what they are like IRL on LoveShack. It gives me a sense I'm in a community with real people rather than a collection of personas.

Back to the topic at hand, I think online dating and internet technology has thrown a huge wrench in the dating process. Back in the Dark Ages, I had one night stands or LTRs. Either I got a call or didn't. A guy would be stupid to not call a woman for a week because she'd be back out there. Now, people can string people along through texting, Facebook chit chat, IM, etc.

One commonality I have found in modern dating is that the men who were serious in me for a relationship were not dating any other people. Even the ones on the dating sites hinted that they liked dating one person at a time. I'm sure there are plenty of men who choose one person out of many, but I am never that girl. I'm basically added to the harem of prospects until one of us pulls the fade.

I don't know about your guy, Iris, but taking it slow via infrequent text communication is different than what my slow ex did. He took it slow by taking me on dates once a week and not progressing too quickly sexually. But I knew from the start he wasn't dating anyone else. We became official as boyfriend and girlfriend the night we had sex.

think about the time before there were cellphones when we were kids. i think a lot of people have forgotten those times, or in the case of the teenagers these days they weren't even alive in those times.

back then you were gonna have to accommodate the other person at least enough to be near a phone to get phone calls.

yes, for all of you 18-22 year old women, you would have to actually go to your apartment for a night or two, sit, and wait for the phone to ring when you gave someone your phone number and yes you would have to cancel other plans if you wanted to make sure you got the phone call and didn't wind up playing answering machine tag. the horror! women would really have to change their schedules to accommodate men too. the idea of "i need someone who can keep up with me" was so foreign you would've sounded like an alien lifeform to men back then if any of you had said such a thing.

now that's completely out the window, people answer or don't, respond or don't, completely at their leisure. and look at the threads we have on here, a huge amount of them are speculation about what the other person does or doesn't think based on voicemails and text messages, with no real communication.

Edited June 18, 2011 by thatone

June 18, 2011

I decided to send a you wanna hang out again text today & he said he was just getting ready to call me. If that's true that's great, but I should have waited.

For the record, this guy isn't hot player guy I made a post about last week, but hot player guy is indirectly responsible for me and new guy meeting.

June 18, 2011

whenever i say that, even if it isn't true exactly like that, i was thinking about calling her, so yeah...

June 18, 2011

I decided to send a you wanna hang out again text today & he said he was just getting ready to call me. If that's true that's great, but I should have waited.

:bunny:

This is a great example of something often said in here: if a girl really likes you she'll make sure you know.

June 18, 2011

:bunny:

if a girl really likes you she'll make sure you know.

Without a doubt. If you have to ask yourself if a woman is into you, she probably isn't.

June 22, 2011

When I like someone, I mean REALLY like them and want a relationship with them I know immediately—within hours of meeting them. After the first date, I know if I will ever be able to be in love with someone. Sure, he may start to later display unappealing qualities, which means I might have to stop dating him, but I know immediately whether or not I could fall for him.

So, after the first date, if I decide I like a guy, I want the relationship to start moving forward immediately. I don’t want a week to go by before we see each other again. I don’t want a couple of days lapse in contact. If I’m waiting a week to go out with someone for a second time, it means I’m going just for fun, but I know I will never want a relationship with that person. If a guy does this to me (doesn’t move quick enough), I’d assumed he wasn’t really interested and I would tend to back off in order to avoid getting hurt (because it seems we want different things).

Is this an unreasonable expectation—to expect someone I’ve just met to want to move quickly? Do most people not feel the need to move so quickly? What are your experiences with this? Did your relationship begin immediately or did it slowly develop?

You realize what a crazy strategy this is, right? Especially since I recall you yourself admitting that you don't choose well. So your way of dating doesn't work.

You're probably filtering out guys who would be great for you if you gave things more time. And the ones you were into but you wrote off because they weren't moving fast enough for you--you're probably filtering out guys who are the most mature--solid boundaries.

Edited June 22, 2011 by Imajerk17

June 22, 2011

You realize what a crazy strategy this is, right? Especially since I recall you yourself admitting that you don't choose well. So your way of dating doesn't work.

You're probably filtering out guys who would be great for you if you gave things more time. And the ones you were into but you wrote off because they weren't moving fast enough for you--you're probably filtering out guys who are the most mature--solid boundaries.

I wasn't trying to get into a relationship immediately. I wanted to go and ahead and decide if this guy is relationship material by getting to know him quickly, and I didn't want to do the once a week date thing. I wanted to get this moving so we could either start a relationship or rule each other out and move on. I actually think I'm being pretty practical in that sense.

I've done the thing where I gave guys I wasn't attracted to or interested in a chance by going on 2nd, 3rd, 4th dates and the only thing I accomplished was wasting people's time and disappointing them. If I don't feel it initially, I won't feel it. I know this about myself even though I've tried to deny it in the past.

I do agree that my people picker seems to be off, but I don't know what to do about that. I have very limited options where I live.

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Pace when Dating

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