Setback

[RepairMinded]

People keep talking about why OP should be "honest" with her husband, as if this is something likely to have an impact.

 

If "honesty" was a very high value the affair would never have happened in the first place. Telling OP she should do something because it is the "honest" thing to do is not going to be very effective.

 

One thing OP has stated she is sensitive to, is the welfare of her children. The OM is well aware of this which is why he pretended to be concerned about her children--except for the fact that she knows divorce would NOT be good for her children.

 

So, OP--do you think telling your husband about this latest incident would be the best thing you could do for your children?

 

OP will figure her way through this mess as long as she focuses on doing what is best for her children, rather than what is best for herself.

[What_Next]

Sometimes your best to just keep your mouth shut... I can admit this but you cant. This is not impressive...its foolish

 

Oh really? Nah don't think so.

 

You don't get to make that determination around here.

 

Who know's her husband better, me or her. Wow, what an AMAZING piece of logic and insight that is. Maybe it is you who might consider keeping ones mouth shut.

 

You don't like my advice, too bad. It wasn't intended for you. It was intended for dryerase.

 

RepairMinded, honesty is at the core of this situation now. Of course she was dishonest during her affair. That is obvious. The key is how she behaves herself on a go forward basis. You know what, divorce IS sometimes best for the children.

 

Focusing on what is best for children is but one aspect of what she must do right now. Children would be better off coming FROM a broken home then living in one.

 

As for being honest in every aspect of my life, of course not Stonecold, yet another one of your wonderfully insightful comments. For heavens sake. I am far from suggesting that. I am simply suggesting that she gives her husband the FULL picture so that he might make an informed decision. Of course my contention is that I "claim" how I would react if my wife told me that OM contacted her, why, because it hasn't happened yet as far as I know. You win the logic prize for the day.

[StoneCold]

Oh really? Nah don't think so..

You don't get to make that determination around here.

 

Who know's her husband better, me or her. Wow, what an AMAZING piece of logic and insight that is. Maybe it is you who might consider keeping ones mouth shut..

 

Ok that made no sense but I've come to expect that from you..... and guess what? you dont get to make any determinations around here either.

 

You don't like my advice, too bad. It wasn't intended for you. It was intended for dryerase...

 

Hey Jackass YOU were the one who started up with me because YOU didnt like what I had to say (I beleive this started precisely around post #38).....which by the way was intended for the OP as well

 

As for being honest in every aspect of my life, of course not Stonecold, yet another one of your wonderfully insightful comments. For heavens sake. I am far from suggesting that. I am simply suggesting that she gives her husband the FULL picture so that he might make an informed decision. Of course my contention is that I "claim" how I would react if my wife told me that OM contacted her, why, because it hasn't happened yet as far as I know. You win the logic prize for the day.

 

Then dont slam others while up on your soap box for advising something you practice as well. If you dont agree...fine... but spare me your hippocritical, holier than thow attitude...amd again let me remind you...you started this row with me; until you showed up I slammed nobody.

 

You had enough?

Edited June 21, 2011 by StoneCold

[RepairMinded]

RepairMinded, honesty is at the core of this situation now. Of course she was dishonest during her affair. That is obvious. The key is how she behaves herself on a go forward basis. You know what, divorce IS sometimes best for the children.

 

Focusing on what is best for children is but one aspect of what she must do right now. Children would be better off coming FROM a broken home then living in one.

 

You don't get my point. If someone just doesn't relate to your concept of honesty, and that is most likely not going to change any time soon, telling her to "be totally honest" is not going to accomplish anything.

 

Someone like dryerase, or stonecold, will decide whether or not to be honest depending on evaluating the entire situation. That's why you and stonecold are talking past each other.

 

Since dryerase has expressed that what has troubled her about this recent approach from the OM, is his pretend concern for her children, that signifies her "weak spot"--as identified by herself and the OM--is her concern for her children, not her concern to be totally honest with her spouse.

 

I don't need to tell her to be totally honest with her husband, I can simply tell her that she should try to do what she feels is best for her children. That may or may not mean total disclosure to her spouse (total "honesty") but she's the one who has to make that judgment.

 

She has stated she doesn't want to get divorced because it's bad for her children. Again that's her judgment, I can't overrule that, even if in some situations divorce might be what's best for the kids.

 

Using her ground rules, what we can do is try to point out her OM is trying to manipulate her to do what she believes is not in her kids' best interests--get a divorce--while pretending to care for her children (get a psychologist for them, he says).

 

Once she understands that what OM is trying to do is clear manipulation and taking advantage of her weak spot--her concern for her kids--she might start to look at the entire situation from another point of view.

 

But I seriously don't think "be honest be honest be honest" is going to penetrate if it hasn't already.

[rafallus]

But I seriously don't think "be honest be honest be honest" is going to penetrate if it hasn't already.

 

And especially, if other man had

[What_Next]

Then dont slam others while up on your soap box for advising something you practice as well. If you dont agree...fine... but spare me your hippocritical, holier than thow attitude...amd again let me remind you...you started this row with me; until you showed up I slammed nobody.

 

You had enough?

 

I'll slam who I want, when I want. I'll do so WITHIN the TOC of LS, something you might want to investigate yourself.

 

Then again someone of your intelligence might get confused by all the big words.

[StoneCold]

I'll slam who I want, when I want. I'll do so WITHIN the TOC of LS, something you might want to investigate yourself.

 

Then again someone of your intelligence might get confused by all the big words.

 

 

LMAO

 

Yeah...you've had enough...

 

 

 

pathetic

[What_Next]

RepairMinded, in the context of how you explained it I can see your point. I don't necessarily agree with it 100% but it is well thought out and very well explained.

 

You were looking at this issue from an entirely different viewpoint and it did not occur to me.

 

I still feel as though she should tell her husband, but that ultimate decision is up to her. Perhaps the "honesty" aspect is better worded in terms of saying what I feel is right. That is my gut feeling and it isn't likely to change. However, there is more to this situation than just a gut feeling.

[What_Next]

LMAO

 

Yeah...you've had enough...

 

 

 

pathetic

 

No I am ashamed that I entertained a debate with you. There's no point in debating some people. I seem to forget that from time to time.

[StoneCold]

No I am ashamed that I entertained a debate with you. There's no point in debating some people. I seem to forget that from time to time.

 

 

yeah...good luck to you... you will need it

[OldOnTheInside]

In all honesty, if OP doesn't tell her husband, she will never really know whether it does more harm than good. Unless she is a precog.

 

In any case, a lie is akin to controlling another person's actions and reactions to a given situation. Essentially, her choices override his because he is left unaware of his own new choices.

 

Considering the level of comfort that dryerase has already expressed in doing this, I don't see why she would suddenly change her mind and go with the path of absolute honesty. That isn't who she is.

 

And a debate on the morality of lying really won't help her out at all...

[dryerase]

I know many of you won't believe this, maybe think I am making this up, but I have no reason to do so. Prior to this affair, I GREATLY valued honesty and never ever lied during our marriage, not even once. The affair started as a bad choice, which culminated into lie after lie after lie, until my life essentially became a lie. It is crazy and depressing how that happens, and yes, I know it didn't "happen" to me; these were my own stupid choices. However, I also don't think it is fair that some of you pigeon-hole all people who had affairs into one type of person, into completely unethical, unrepentent human beings - most of the people on this forum in my situation are trying to get help and change their ways, not continue awful behavior.

 

I think I have realized something, though, which maybe all of you have already realized but I didn't until today. I actually have control of my own feelings - they don't necessarily just "happen" to me or "come over" me. If the fOM said something to me, I don't actually have to let it affect me at all. I think one of the posters on here, maybe the first, said the same - who cares what he says? I think I have been spending a lot of time wondering about whether I made the right decision, rather than trusting my gut and the decision I made, working on my marriage and family life, and not allowing the fOM to interfere with that decision.

 

I'm still a work in progress, but that was a fairly good moment for me today.

[29C]

I know many of you won't believe this, maybe think I am making this up, but I have no reason to do so. Prior to this affair, I GREATLY valued honesty and never ever lied during our marriage, not even once. The affair started as a bad choice, which culminated into lie after lie after lie, until my life essentially became a lie. It is crazy and depressing how that happens, and yes, I know it didn't "happen" to me; these were my own stupid choices. However, I also don't think it is fair that some of you pigeon-hole all people who had affairs into one type of person, into completely unethical, unrepentent human beings - most of the people on this forum in my situation are trying to get help and change their ways, not continue awful behavior.

 

I think I have realized something, though, which maybe all of you have already realized but I didn't until today. I actually have control of my own feelings - they don't necessarily just "happen" to me or "come over" me. If the fOM said something to me, I don't actually have to let it affect me at all. I think one of the posters on here, maybe the first, said the same - who cares what he says? I think I have been spending a lot of time wondering about whether I made the right decision, rather than trusting my gut and the decision I made, working on my marriage and family life, and not allowing the fOM to interfere with that decision.

 

I'm still a work in progress, but that was a fairly good moment for me today.

 

You know what dryerase? I actually do believe you. There are many men out in the world who take great pleasure in destroying another man's family. They usually attack the wife. When she turns him down, they become relentless in their pursuit of the woman. They have all kinds of sweet talking lines and promises. Several times the woman eventually relents, and bingo, the wife sniping dirtbag has accomplished his mission. Now I want to believe that you are strong and have overcome this dirtbag. IMHO this dirtbag doesn't give a rat's ass about your kids. He knows you are dedicated to them and their happiness and he is using them as a tool to get to you. There is no better way to seduce a woman than through her kids. Since you say you broke off the affair, I will step out on a limb and believe you have told him to "GET LOST, LEAVE ME AND MY FAMILY ALONE." But the wife sniping dirtbag keeps coming around, now with ideas of getting councellors for you kids. Do you know what this dirtbag needs is a kick in the a$$. People will be angry with me for sugesting violence, and tell me violence solves nothing. They are right, but an emotional "kick in the a$$" can be just as effective. I gave you a set of ethics to study. Honour and integrity are the top of the list. You must be seen and known to always do the right thing. That's integrity. That's how people trust you. You must always be known to be pure in heart and deed. That is also how people know to trust you. Please read those ethics again. If you want, I'll send them to you again. Steady up girl. Your going to pull through this. I"m pullin" for ya. Keep your stick on the ice.

 

PS - Stone Cold - just so you know, my whole life is honesty. My integrity is one of the things in my life I can not, and will not compromise. Too many people's lives depend on my 100% Integrity, Honour, Duty, Loyalty and Courage. It's what I do.

[OldOnTheInside]

I know many of you won't believe this, maybe think I am making this up, but I have no reason to do so.

Boredom, for fun, a character study...a person who would make this up would be unlikely to tell for some time, if ever.

 

I know many of you won't believe this, maybe think I am making this up, but I have no reason to do so. Prior to this affair, I GREATLY valued honesty and never ever lied during our marriage, not even once. The affair started as a bad choice, which culminated into lie after lie after lie, until my life essentially became a lie. It is crazy and depressing how that happens, and yes, I know it didn't "happen" to me; these were my own stupid choices. However, I also don't think it is fair that some of you pigeon-hole all people who had affairs into one type of person, into completely unethical, unrepentent human beings - most of the people on this forum in my situation are trying to get help and change their ways, not continue awful behavior.

Who you were offers little consolation to anybody but yourself. Who you are is what defines you. So who are you? And who will you be?

 

I actually have control of my own feelings

Yes. An individual is entirely responsible for their own actions and emotions. Edited June 22, 2011 by OldOnTheInside

[StoneCold]

I think I have realized something, though, which maybe all of you have already realized but I didn't until today. I actually have control of my own feelings - they don't necessarily just "happen" to me or "come over" me. If the fOM said something to me, I don't actually have to let it affect me at all. I think one of the posters on here, maybe the first, said the same - who cares what he says? I think I have been spending a lot of time wondering about whether I made the right decision, rather than trusting my gut and the decision I made, working on my marriage and family life, and not allowing the fOM to interfere with that decision.

.

 

 

Exactly...I've gotten into it with some here while making that point on other threads....

 

"cheaters have no self control" ..... uhhh think again

 

"If you are within a one mile radius of a certain person, you're going to cheat"..... uhh not necessarily

 

"such and such is going to influence you"...... rriiight.. only if you allow them to

[What_Next]

Despite all the other nonsense in this thread I do believe what you are posting dryerase. I also can see the ownership of your own behavior as well and that is a very positive thing.

 

I do wish you continued success with your reconciliation. I can say firsthand that it is one of the most difficult martial challenges you are likely to face.

 

29C your last sentence gives me a clue as to what you do for a living and if I am right, your willingness to sacrifice is a blessing to us all.

[JaneyAmazed]

As some of you may know, I recently ended a couple year affair with a co-worker, who I am still working with for the next few weeks only (quitting the job right now NOT an option for several reasons, and NOT having anything to do with this man). Since ending things, we have chit-chatted at work mostly when we've needed to, i.e. other people are around, but otherwise, other than missing him and having nagging thoughts of whether I did the right thing to end this relationship, I have not resumed the affair.

 

A short background - I have young children, which was the primary reason to end the affair. The OM wanted me to divorce, and if I told him right now that I would divorce, he would have me back. However, I did not want my children to suffer through a divorce. From reading many things, including advice on LS, it seemed to me that if I wasn't planning to divorce my husband prior to being with the OM (which I never intended on doing), then I should give my marriage a real try particularly for the sake of my children. My husband does know about the affair, and we have been repairing our marriage slowly, though I admit that I still have some feelings for the OM.

 

A setback happened today, when the OM approached me and asked me what I thought about seeing a psychologist or therapist who works with children, so that I can get their insights on how to make a divorced situation work with kids. He knew I was more than anything worried about how they would handle this. I am so confused about this suggestion, mostly that the OM still cares enough to suggest that, or am I just being stupid? Does he just want what he wants, and he's using that suggestion as a way to get it?

 

I was sort of ok with ending the affair before, though I've been in withdrawal, and now I am confused again, mostly with the question of, is this the mark of a man who truly loves me and who I shouldn't cast off or just the sign of someone who will do anything to get what he wants? He has told me that his previous relationships have started with girls who were dating someone else first, so sometimes I have wondered if he takes some sort of pride in "winning" someone over another man.

 

I don't have to time to read the responses to this so forgive me if this isn't relevant anymore. This man may truly love you, but if you love your H and want your marriage to work, it doesn't matter if xOM loves you, does it? I wondered why you can't quit your job. This situation doesn't look good at all. When I confessed my affair to my H, he called my xOM and told him to never contact me, look at me, talk to me again. It was and still is VERY important to my H that I never see or talk to xOM again. It's important to me too. Building back a marriage requires total respect for the BS even if you have to be downright rude or totally ignore xOM. Boundaries are everything right now.

[StoneCold]

I wondered why you can't quit your job. .

 

 

To those of you who wondered why she cant quit her job.... Only she truly knows why but dont forget that the VAST majority of us are not in a financial position to quit our jobs.

 

Resolving to work on your marriage is one thing....eating, shelter and clothing are another.

 

Not to mention that financial problems are the number one cause for marital break down.... No sense making a bad situation worse.

Edited June 22, 2011 by StoneCold

[John Michael Kane]

To those of you who wondered why she cant quit her job.... Only she truly knows why but dont forget that the VAST majority of us are not in a financial position to quit our jobs.

 

Resolving to work on your marriage is one thing....eating, shelter and clothing are another.

 

Not to mention that financial problems are the number one cause for marital break down.... No sense making a bad situation worse.

 

Well you know what she should've never mixed business with pleasure. And she's still talking to OM.

[What_Next]

Fantastic post Janey. Coming straight from the horses mouth so to speak.

 

I can understand why leaving a job right on the spot might be incredibly difficult, or even financial suicide, but there is NO excuse for not comitting to attempting to do so. In my opinion ANY continued contact with the affair partner is unacceptable. If it is a requirement for employment purposes until a new job is found then I could see how that might be necessary.

 

Like your husband Janey I made it 100% clear that her AP is NEVER EVER to come near my wife again, and if he ever does there will be HELL to pay. If he ever contacts her again the course of action is clear and well defined, it is to be passed to me for me to deal with. Otherwise there will be swift and severe consequences.

 

Dryerase do your absolute best to minimize any and all contact with OM. Heck if possible do it while a third party is present and get to work looking for another job.

[confusedinkansas]

Fantastic post Janey. Coming straight from the horses mouth so to speak.

 

I can understand why leaving a job right on the spot might be incredibly difficult, or even financial suicide, but there is NO excuse for not comitting to attempting to do so. In my opinion ANY continued contact with the affair partner is unacceptable. If it is a requirement for employment purposes until a new job is found then I could see how that might be necessary.

 

Like your husband Janey I made it 100% clear that her AP is NEVER EVER to come near my wife again, and if he ever does there will be HELL to pay. If he ever contacts her again the course of action is clear and well defined, it is to be passed to me for me to deal with. Otherwise there will be swift and severe consequences.

 

Dryerase do your absolute best to minimize any and all contact with OM. Heck if possible do it while a third party is present and get to work looking for another job.

 

Did she solicit the interaction?

I don't believe she did.

How do you control what others do? You Can't. You can threaten all day long....doesn't mean it's going to happen. (& for those that want to toss the stalker card in the mix & saying she should file a restraining order...I hardly think that's possible if they work in the same building)

She still has to work in the same vicinity of this man.

 

There are 2 of you here that seem to think that just because an X AP contacts you or talks to you/her......."She/We Asked For It".....Sorry, it doesn't work that way.

I sure do wish we had more control over others. But we don't.

 

Dryerase - It sounds as if you have your head screwed on straight & are moving forward in a direction that YOU want to & that's good for your marriage.

Good for you. I hope you have continued success.

[What_Next]

Wooo, hold the phone there now CIK. Who is "reading between the lines now".

 

Did I say ANYWHERE in my post that she soliticed the interaction? If I did please point it out.

 

Did I say I can control what others do in my post? If I did please point it out. I have made no threats. I will 100% carry through with precisely what I stated in my post. If my wifes's AP EVER contacts her in any way shape or form there will be swift and severe consequences for him. That is in no way attempting to control ANYONE'S actions. I can only hope that my wife would also turn over any communication directly to me. Of course I cannot be sure of how she would react, but I know how would if she did not turn it over to me, that I CAN control.

 

I can only hope that I am not either of the 2 people you specifically refer in your post. I have not said at all that 'she asked for it', in fact quite the opposite. I suspect I am correct in this assumption that you did not mean me.

 

As for my statement that any contact is unacceptable, I should have qualified that by saying any 2 way communication. In addition I strongly feel as though any interaction needs to be told to the BS in question.

 

Just clarifying a little to prevent 'reading between the lines'. HA.

[confusedinkansas]

In my opinion ANY continued contact with the affair partner is unacceptable

That line alone.

She can't control him. So ANY continued contact on his part isn't & shouldn't be considered "Her Fault"

 

I wasn't necessarily talking about you (as the 2) - But only that line in your post. Was referring to others as the 2.

[What_Next]

Fair enough CIK, thus my further qualification. It is quite reasonable that the WS cannot control what their AP does, they can only control what they do.

 

I am most definitely NOT saying that contact is "her fault". In fact the act of blaming back and forth serves little purpose.

 

I'll give you one thing CIK, you are consistent at least in terms of pushing your agenda....

[StoneCold]

Well you know what she should've never mixed business with pleasure. And she's still talking to OM.

 

What does your comment have to do with the options she has in handling her CURRENT situation???

 

LOL...you're so stuck on your agenda you go back to it even when its no longer relevant.... lol If there were a nuclear holocaust tomorrow and you were fortunate enought to survive it I'm sure you'd find a way to blame infidelity for that too.