Author dryerase Posted June 20, 2011 Author Posted June 20, 2011 Thanks for the helpful responses. I've told my husband about everything; I hadn't mentioned this recent thing, but I guess I should. I just figured, why worry him, there is no way I am going back to the affair anyway. That's probably the wrong thinking. There is no way I can quit my job now because my family has health insurance through it. Even my husband agrees with that. But that will all change in a few weeks. Trust me, if I could quit the job today, I would. I am truly hoping these lingering feelings will dissolve once I am no longer working with him because his comment the other day made them re-surface. I was hoping to hear from other people who have left affairs where they once had real feelings for their APs say that these do eventually subside.
Owl Posted June 20, 2011 Posted June 20, 2011 My recommendation to tell your H is in the interests of rebuilding honest communication and restoring trust. He needs to know that you'll tell him the truth, even when you're afraid to, going forward. He needs to know that you're not "protecting" OM in some fashion, nor hiding any intereraction with him...wanted or not. He also needs to know how invested you are in your marriage...and know how much you're still invested in OM as well. Truth is what matters here. Take this from a former "betrayed husband" who's successfully reconciled his marriage.
confusedinkansas Posted June 20, 2011 Posted June 20, 2011 (edited) Thanks for the helpful responses. I've told my husband about everything; I hadn't mentioned this recent thing, but I guess I should. I just figured, why worry him, there is no way I am going back to the affair anyway. That's probably the wrong thinking. There is no way I can quit my job now because my family has health insurance through it. Even my husband agrees with that. But that will all change in a few weeks. Trust me, if I could quit the job today, I would. I am truly hoping these lingering feelings will dissolve once I am no longer working with him because his comment the other day made them re-surface. I was hoping to hear from other people who have left affairs where they once had real feelings for their APs say that these do eventually subside. They will. You'll start to feel better once you don't see him anymore. It's amazing but "out of site out of mind" is pretty true. Hopefully once you're gone from the work environment he'll leave you be. It really is a matter of time. One day you'll wake up & realize it's been weeks or months......maybe even a year since you even gave him any thought. You'll think for a second & then it'll leave your mind as quickly as it came. Yes, I did have real feelings for my OM. (many moons ago) Divorcing to be together though was never discussed. Since your husband already knows of the affair, telling him about this particular incident is a good idea. (As you have probably read my XOM comes & goes in my life a few times a year via email. Especially at the beginning I told my husband every time....) Edited June 20, 2011 by confusedinkansas
What_Next Posted June 20, 2011 Posted June 20, 2011 dryerase I will give you credit for at least on the surface sounding credible. Although I will reserve judgement for now. Yes I 100% think that you need to tell your husband about this and any future interaction. It will go a LONG ways towards rebuilding trust. I strongly feel that you should be looking for a new job though, I know you mention health insurance I know how massive that can be for Americans, but still there must be options. I urge you to explore them. CIK, I'm a little shocked at your post... I actually agree with pieces of it and that itself is a miracle of sorts .
John Michael Kane Posted June 20, 2011 Posted June 20, 2011 Thanks for the helpful responses. I've told my husband about everything; I hadn't mentioned this recent thing, but I guess I should. I just figured, why worry him, there is no way I am going back to the affair anyway. That's probably the wrong thinking. You're absolutely correct it's wrong thinking, nor is there no guess about it. But you're still technically in an affair with him so... There is no way I can quit my job now because my family has health insurance through it. Even my husband agrees with that. But that will all change in a few weeks. Trust me, if I could quit the job today, I would. You still can quit. Nothing is holding you back. I am truly hoping these lingering feelings will dissolve once I am no longer working with him because his comment the other day made them re-surface. They only "resurfaced" because you're still involved with the man.
thomasb Posted June 20, 2011 Posted June 20, 2011 As some of you may know, I recently ended a couple year affair with a co-worker, who I am still working with for the next few weeks only (quitting the job right now NOT an option for several reasons, and NOT having anything to do with this man). Since ending things, we have chit-chatted at work mostly when we've needed to, i.e. other people are around, but otherwise, other than missing him and having nagging thoughts of whether I did the right thing to end this relationship, I have not resumed the affair. A short background - I have young children, which was the primary reason to end the affair. The OM wanted me to divorce, and if I told him right now that I would divorce, he would have me back. However, I did not want my children to suffer through a divorce. From reading many things, including advice on LS, it seemed to me that if I wasn't planning to divorce my husband prior to being with the OM (which I never intended on doing), then I should give my marriage a real try particularly for the sake of my children. My husband does know about the affair, and we have been repairing our marriage slowly, though I admit that I still have some feelings for the OM. A setback happened today, when the OM approached me and asked me what I thought about seeing a psychologist or therapist who works with children, so that I can get their insights on how to make a divorced situation work with kids. He knew I was more than anything worried about how they would handle this. I am so confused about this suggestion, mostly that the OM still cares enough to suggest that, or am I just being stupid? Does he just want what he wants, and he's using that suggestion as a way to get it? I was sort of ok with ending the affair before, though I've been in withdrawal, and now I am confused again, mostly with the question of, is this the mark of a man who truly loves me and who I shouldn't cast off or just the sign of someone who will do anything to get what he wants? He has told me that his previous relationships have started with girls who were dating someone else first, so sometimes I have wondered if he takes some sort of pride in "winning" someone over another man. Who do you think cares more deeply for your children? This man who has been doing his damndest to destroy their family and their home ... or your husband!
fltc Posted June 21, 2011 Posted June 21, 2011 It sounds almost as if you prefer the OM to your husband, if this is so, tell OM, leave husband and best of luck to both of you. Children will be fine, OM's suggestion that you obtain counseling for them is a good one.
robf1971 Posted June 21, 2011 Posted June 21, 2011 It sounds almost as if you prefer the OM to your husband, if this is so, tell OM, leave husband and best of luck to both of you. Children will be fine, OM's suggestion that you obtain counseling for them is a good one. Wow your husband is a very tolerant guy. If my wife had done that to me her stuff would be outside in boxes waiting for the dustman.
jnj express Posted June 21, 2011 Posted June 21, 2011 Are you spose to be NC, with your allegedly ex-lover---if so why is he able to approach you, and talk to you If your H., hasn't required NC, why haven't you imposed it on yourself You say the OM, is gonna leave the workplace in a few weeks---I strongly suggest you take vacation time during his last week at work---things will be very emotional around the workplace, especially for you, and the way you sound notwithstanding, what you keep telling us, you just might fall back into heavy, irreparable, contact. As for now you need to get in the OM, face and tell him point blank to stay away from you, he does not know what is best for you---all he has done is to rip apart the lives of you and everyone around you---does that sound like someone who cares----all he cared about was bedding you, believe me, had push come to shove there would have been no full out relationship with him down the line----all that would have really happened, was the destroyed bodies, of your family, had you left, your alleged lover is a womanizer plain and simple!!!!!!!!
StoneCold Posted June 21, 2011 Posted June 21, 2011 1) Dont tell your husband about these events...it will help nothing 2) If your going to divorce then divorce....but make sure you do it for you and nobody else. Not advisable to divorce one for the other as you could be setting yourself up for a big hit.
Mr.Harris Posted June 21, 2011 Posted June 21, 2011 1) Dont tell your husband about these events...it will help nothing Sure they won't. 2) If your going to divorce then divorce....but make sure you do it for you and nobody else. Not advisable to divorce one for the other as you could be setting yourself up for a big hit. She needs to do it for her husband. His feelings are what's important now.
What_Next Posted June 21, 2011 Posted June 21, 2011 Great advice there Stonecold, keep more secrets and continue lying to her husband. Good god. That's a real moral high ground. Disgusting. What an amazing thought, to think of someone besides herself, imagine that. My lord what has happened to our society.
thomasb Posted June 21, 2011 Posted June 21, 2011 Great advice there Stonecold, keep more secrets and continue lying to her husband. Good god. That's a real moral high ground. Disgusting. What an amazing thought, to think of someone besides herself, imagine that. My lord what has happened to our society. Totally agree with you. The only way to heal after this is complete honesty. You should tell your spouse about any interaction. You cannot build a solid foundation on deceit and lies... which is why 'affairages', marriages starting with an affair almost never work out!
StoneCold Posted June 21, 2011 Posted June 21, 2011 (edited) Great advice there Stonecold, keep more secrets and continue lying to her husband. Good god. That's a real moral high ground. Disgusting. What an amazing thought, to think of someone besides herself, imagine that. My lord what has happened to our society. OK.... give me ONE good reason why telling him will achieve good...explain to me how exactly it will help anything.....go on; whats it supposed to do other than further piss him off over nothing? Shes not getting back into an affair with this guy..its over so whats the point? I want to hear sound reasoning here...not la de da fluffy bull-sh*t many here like to spew that isnt substantiated by anything and substantiates nothing (yet they like to call this "good advice"... god help anybody who buys that garbage...give me strength) Edited June 21, 2011 by StoneCold
Author dryerase Posted June 21, 2011 Author Posted June 21, 2011 I understand everyone's advice (I think). I guess I was thinking along StoneCold's line of thought. There is no F%&$^$'ing way I'm getting back into the affair; I was simply writing because it feels bad to me that the old feelings resurface with such an interaction. I do not like those feelings being there, but I think when I am finally out of this work situation, the feelings will subside. To be quite honest, they have already subsided since I've had a long weekend. I am just not sure what telling my husband will accomplish - it will just make him so upset for nothing. I do agree that you need to be completely honest about the affair, but some of this post-affair withdrawal stuff, I wonder if I should just suck it up, keep it in, and deal with it on my own - I brought it upon myself; why have my H share in that misery, too?
Mr.Harris Posted June 21, 2011 Posted June 21, 2011 I understand everyone's advice (I think). I guess I was thinking along StoneCold's line of thought. There is no F%&$^$'ing way I'm getting back into the affair; I was simply writing because it feels bad to me that the old feelings resurface with such an interaction. I do not like those feelings being there, but I think when I am finally out of this work situation, the feelings will subside. To be quite honest, they have already subsided since I've had a long weekend. I am just not sure what telling my husband will accomplish - it will just make him so upset for nothing. I do agree that you need to be completely honest about the affair, but some of this post-affair withdrawal stuff, I wonder if I should just suck it up, keep it in, and deal with it on my own - I brought it upon myself; why have my H share in that misery, too? I'm going to be blunt with you: The only reason you're having these thoughts is to try and find some way to hold this in your head without spilling it to your innocent husband. Do the right thing for once and let him know about your continued affair with OM or start the separation process because sooner or later, this will most likely blow out of the whole.
RepairMinded Posted June 21, 2011 Posted June 21, 2011 The OM wanted me to divorce, and if I told him right now that I would divorce, he would have me back. However, I did not want my children to suffer through a divorce. From your first post. The OM wants you to divorce (for his benefit obviously) but you know divorce is not what is best for your children. Put OM in proper perspective: If he truly loved and cared for you, he would put your children first, not himself.
rafallus Posted June 21, 2011 Posted June 21, 2011 OK.... give me ONE good reason why telling him will achieve good...explain to me how exactly it will help anything.....go on; whats it supposed to do other than further piss him off over nothing? Shes not getting back into an affair with this guy..its over so whats the point? I want to hear sound reasoning here...not la de da fluffy bull-sh*t many here like to spew that isnt substantiated by anything and substantiates nothing (yet they like to call this "good advice"... god help anybody who buys that garbage...give me strength) You sure she's not getting back? I'm not so sure, given that he still has quite an impact on her emotions. Don't be so overconfident.
RepairMinded Posted June 21, 2011 Posted June 21, 2011 I understand everyone's advice (I think). I guess I was thinking along StoneCold's line of thought. There is no F%&$^$'ing way I'm getting back into the affair; I was simply writing because it feels bad to me that the old feelings resurface with such an interaction. I do not like those feelings being there, but I think when I am finally out of this work situation, the feelings will subside. To be quite honest, they have already subsided since I've had a long weekend. I am just not sure what telling my husband will accomplish - it will just make him so upset for nothing. I do agree that you need to be completely honest about the affair, but some of this post-affair withdrawal stuff, I wonder if I should just suck it up, keep it in, and deal with it on my own - I brought it upon myself; why have my H share in that misery, too? Figure out what would be best for your children. No one else can make that decision for you. Whatever you decide is best for your children, do it.
What_Next Posted June 21, 2011 Posted June 21, 2011 OK.... give me ONE good reason why telling him will achieve good...explain to me how exactly it will help anything.....go on; whats it supposed to do other than further piss him off over nothing? Shes not getting back into an affair with this guy..its over so whats the point? I want to hear sound reasoning here...not la de da fluffy bull-sh*t many here like to spew that isnt substantiated by anything and substantiates nothing (yet they like to call this "good advice"... god help anybody who buys that garbage...give me strength) Here's a thought, HONESTY??? Or is that concept so foreign to you? That's my sound reasoning. Honesty. Simple. Why does the concept of honesty bother you so much? How will telling her husband do any good? Substantiate it? Well um let me see, how about my own personal situation? Or is that not substatiantive enough? If my wife's OM somehow contacted her in any way shape or form and she told me straight away I would take it as a MASSIVE step foward. That's my "sound reasoning". If she doesn't want to take my advice, then that is OK. However, I am free to give it. Advising honesty is garbage? Really. Then again knowing what I know of your history I cannot say I am surprised you would post that. Good god.
What_Next Posted June 21, 2011 Posted June 21, 2011 He should share in it because he needs to understand what you are going through. It will be part of a bond that must re-form between you and your husband. He needs to learn to trust what you are saying and when you are being genuine (even if the subject matter turns his stomach) it can help build roads to rebuilding that bond of trust that has been ripped away. Your road is the easier road, because it avoids tearing into those wounds and what might seem like pouring salt into them. However, it is anything but. Trust me when I say your husband is already wondering what is going on in your head regarding the OM. Why do I think so, because I was RIGHT THERE. My wife did her best (as far as I know) to be honest with me about her true feelings and it is in large part to things like that; that we are still together. The choice is yours, our posts are but words on a page, but I know in my case they come from my own horrible experience. They are worth only what you read into them. Good luck.
StoneCold Posted June 21, 2011 Posted June 21, 2011 Here's a thought, HONESTY??? Or is that concept so foreign to you? That's my sound reasoning. Honesty. Simple. Why does the concept of honesty bother you so much? How will telling her husband do any good? Substantiate it? Well um let me see, how about my own personal situation? Or is that not substatiantive enough? If my wife's OM somehow contacted her in any way shape or form and she told me straight away I would take it as a MASSIVE step foward. That's my "sound reasoning". If she doesn't want to take my advice, then that is OK. However, I am free to give it. Advising honesty is garbage? Really. Then again knowing what I know of your history I cannot say I am surprised you would post that. Good god. ok so in other words you CAN'T give me a solid argument...fluffiness...just as I suspected Its not honesty that I have a problem with...its the stupidity that is carried out in the name of "honesty" that I have a problem with. Are you honest in every single facet of your life??? I'd guess not. To think that being honest all the time, everytime is always going to yield positive all the time is naive at best. Sometimes your best to just keep your mouth shut... I can admit this but you cant. This is not impressive...its foolish Lastly....if you are going to measure a "MASSIVE" step forward by what she chooses to tell you....god help you
Owl Posted June 21, 2011 Posted June 21, 2011 Stonecold, I'll give you a good reason. Because her H deserves the opportunity to make his own decisions with the full knowledge of what's gone on and what is going on between his wife and OM. He should be able to decide whether or not HE wants to continue the relationship with her, in light of her recent interactions with OM, and their emotional impact on her and her decision to remain married to him. The benefit is making decisions from an informed stance, rather than making them without all of the information.
StoneCold Posted June 21, 2011 Posted June 21, 2011 How will telling her husband do any good? Substantiate it? Well um let me see, how about my own personal situation? Or is that not substatiantive enough? If my wife's OM somehow contacted her in any way shape or form and she told me straight away I would take it as a MASSIVE step foward. That's my "sound reasoning". . Also note, you use yourself as a yard stick in th eOPs situation....but apparently according to the OP her husband will likely not take things the way you claim to. Now who knows the husband better??? hmmm... you? or th eOP...you know the one thats actually married to him
StoneCold Posted June 21, 2011 Posted June 21, 2011 Stonecold, I'll give you a good reason. Because her H deserves the opportunity to make his own decisions with the full knowledge of what's gone on and what is going on between his wife and OM. He should be able to decide whether or not HE wants to continue the relationship with her, in light of her recent interactions with OM, and their emotional impact on her and her decision to remain married to him. The benefit is making decisions from an informed stance, rather than making them without all of the information. This is a moot point... She already fessed up...he knows about what she did; she gave him the nitty gritty...nailed....and he chose to stay. Whats she doing now? Shes not getting back into an affair with him and has absolutely no intention to...she already said the feelings are going away and has resolved to work on her marriage (which I will assume she is actually doing)....so again...whats the point?
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