Reoreyh Posted June 17, 2011 Posted June 17, 2011 So, to clarify, she broke up with me, and is now single and not looking. Honestly she's taking it harder than I am, but I deeply love her and it's still hurting for me as well. I'm emotionally stable, and part of my quest to change myself is meeting a lot of new people, improving my look, and being a little more down to earth and less egotistical. A mutual friend of hers and mine is helping me out of my bubble a little bit by taking me to these random house parties and bbqs and whatnot. I've been NC with her for two weeks now, and feel a lot better. I've got a new job, a fantastic new haircut, clothes, and I was accepted into University. So here's my dilemma. Do I go to a gathering of about 60-100 people where I know she will be in attendance, and completely ignore her, focusing on my own good time? Do I show off the positive changes I've made, or at least show her I'm okay on my own? Or do I let her presence alone keep me going? Which would be the most beneficial?
shortee143 Posted June 18, 2011 Posted June 18, 2011 Hm well, my ex and I have like 30 mutual friends, and are in the same main social circle. We have been broken up 3 months (his doing), I still deeply care for him and wish we woulda stayed together, so sure it is tough, but I do see him often. I've gone thru the motions when seeing him (anger, fear, hurt, sadness), and sure I'd love to go fully NC, but it wasnt really a feasible option. I used to wonder how to act...do i say hi, small talk, ignore him, act like I dont care, act like i do care? etc...and what I've found was that the easiest was to just go with the flow. it was hard to plan how I'd respond to being around him. After 3 months post breakup, I've seen him like 8 times..and our interaction each time has been diff. So try not to stress too much how you should act- just go with what feels natural at the time and place.
Author Reoreyh Posted June 19, 2011 Author Posted June 19, 2011 Thanks for the response. Appreciate it. I'm still on the fence about whether or not I want to go period, simply because I don't know what will better my chances of getting her back in the end.
shortee143 Posted June 19, 2011 Posted June 19, 2011 I hear ya- I too wondered if it was better to see him, or not see him, in regards to my hopes of us getting back together. I chose to see him, well not so much him, but our friends, so by default I saw him. It can be really hard- I wont lie. Just last night, I stayed at the house he lives in (all my best friends live there, and its a distance from me, so I stayed over) and I had the "pleasure" of being kept up all night as he thoguht it was a great night to bring a girl (whom I know) home and have sex for hours and I was subjected to it ugh. I am pretty sure Ive left hurt, shed a tear, etc every single time I've gone out with mutual friends. It all comes down to a sacrifice, and I refuse to let him "win" and take my friends from me, all of my friends are amazing and supportive....it is just a crappy situation. If I had it my way, I'd never see him. I end up knowing way to much about things I dont want to know about, and things I wouldnt otherwise known had we not had all these friend connections. Best of luck- I plan to still go see my friends the next few weekends. Do what feels right- it might hurt, but in the end, you'll know what is best.
flitzanu Posted June 20, 2011 Posted June 20, 2011 i wish i could give proper credit to the person who had said this, but you don't have mutual friends. you have your friends, and you have her friends. if you're holding on to the other person's group of friends because you don't have your own...let it go. however, as for this party...just don't go. you've already thought about it, and you know it could cause both of you to be awkward, so just skip it and find something else to do. and i don't want to hear crap about "omg i'm not letting THEM ruin my good time!" well, you are already doing that by playing over every scenario before anything has happened. and honestly? it's going to be at least ten times worse in person than you're imagining.
radiodarcy Posted June 20, 2011 Posted June 20, 2011 don't go. there are plenty of other parties you will be invited to that she won't attend. go to those instead. and don't allow your mutual friend to give you that line about needing to go so you can "prove" to your ex that you have moved on. you don't have to prove anything to her. you've already proved to yourself that you are taking steps to do so: you've changed your look, started going out more and were accepted to university (congratulations, by the way! ). moving on isn't easy. but it sounds like you've made a lot of great changes in your life as a result of her break up. and you made those changes for yourself. that's all that matters.
shortee143 Posted June 20, 2011 Posted June 20, 2011 I totally understand the above poster's saying dont go. It seems the most logical, for sure. Def not the case for me BUT it is a choice I make to go to places my ex will be. Sometimes it is brutal, ok a lot of the time haha. But these people really are mutual friends plus he lives with some of my closest friends, and I guess I'd rather learn to deal with this, then miss out on all the good times we have. But you either go into it knowing it could be terrible....or take some time away til the next gathering til you feel a bit better
flitzanu Posted June 22, 2011 Posted June 22, 2011 I totally understand the above poster's saying dont go. It seems the most logical, for sure. Def not the case for me BUT it is a choice I make to go to places my ex will be. Sometimes it is brutal, ok a lot of the time haha. But these people really are mutual friends plus he lives with some of my closest friends, and I guess I'd rather learn to deal with this, then miss out on all the good times we have. But you either go into it knowing it could be terrible....or take some time away til the next gathering til you feel a bit better if these are YOUR closest friends, why is your ex living with them? that seems a bit disloyal to your friendship, but maybe that's just me.
shortee143 Posted June 23, 2011 Posted June 23, 2011 if these are YOUR closest friends, why is your ex living with them? that seems a bit disloyal to your friendship, but maybe that's just me. Well, Ive known them about 6 years, him only about a yr or 2. He met a lot of them thru another mutual friend but got much closer with them while we dated. Back in Dec a few of them decided to move into a new house, had an extra room bc someone backed out, and he was looking to move, so the room was offered to him. That is the short of it. Seemed like a great idea when we were going strong- and we broke up only a few weeks after he moved in, so never really got the chance ot discuss like oh gee wtf if we break up. I didnt expect them to ask him to move out ya know, so I guess I didnt look at as a loyalty thing but I understand why you questioned the concept!
flitzanu Posted June 23, 2011 Posted June 23, 2011 ouch, that sucks shortee. i'm STILL fighting to break my ex out of my very large circle of friends. she still has her fingers in certain places and it's bothersome. you're strong to be able to deal with your ex living with your friends, i'd go nuts.
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