BoldlyYours Posted June 17, 2011 Posted June 17, 2011 I broke up with my live in boyfriend 7 months ago. We had been together for 5 years. It was extremely difficult for me. I did not hate him, we just fell into a slump, one which had been building for two years. Neither one of us tried to fix it. He, nearing the end, became very paranoid that I was cheating.I completely understood why he had thought this, I was very distant and had withdrawn into myself. I wasn't happy anymore and wanted out, but I had not cheated on him. I finally got the courage to end things and it went smoothly. He wanted to know why and the only thing I could really think of was to ask him when the last time was that he actually enjoyed my company. He couldn't answer. He still didn't want things to end, but I just couldn't deal with living like that anymore. We had to stay in the same apt. together for a month and a half after that until he found a place (Very uncomfortable) The thing is, I had met someone else who awakened feelings in me I hadn't felt in a long long time. It made me realize that it was time to end the relationship. I did NOT act on my feelings until after I dealt with my ex,but I still feel really guilty. I have not seen or spoken to the ex since the day he moved out and it kills me. He found out about the other guy through friends and thinks that I had been cheating on him all along (I assume that's what he thinks) I know I didn't handle the situation as well as I could have, but it was my first real relationship. I did at one time love him a great deal and I will always care about him. I want to know that he's ok, that he moved on and is happy. I desperately want him to be. We only had a few mutual friends and they went with him. I have not heard a single word from him or about him. I don't know what I expect to hear, or want to hear. I don't think contacting him is a good idea, I don't want to open the wound. Advice would be MUCH appreciated.
smudge21 Posted June 17, 2011 Posted June 17, 2011 7 months is a long time so I would suggest a simple email asking how he's doing, but you have to make it clear it's not to get him back in your life. I know others will say just stay away and I would agree if it were only a few weeks ago that you broke up, but it's been a long time. Like you say, you two just drifted apart. No one lied or cheated, so simply checking to see if he's okay and showing that you still care isn't wrong. Just be careful how you word things. You don't want to send out false hope of signals that might make him think you want him back. That's cruel and will only end up hurting him and you in the long run. You could beforehand find out from mutual friends how he's doing. At least then you'd know if your email would open up wounds or whether he's moving on and in an okay place. Either way, don't expect anything back from him. He may still be hurting.
Author BoldlyYours Posted June 17, 2011 Author Posted June 17, 2011 Thank you, I'll try a friend first and if I can't get through a careful email. The LAST thing I want is to cause any pain. I just want to know he's in a good place. I know I caused him pain and I feel HORRIBLE about it.
heartbroken555 Posted June 17, 2011 Posted June 17, 2011 hey heres my opinion, dont talk to him unless its to go back with him. sorry if this sounds harsh, but even if you didnt cheat on him, and went with someone else rihgt after the break up, its immature and selfish. You betrayed him and hurt him in a way you could never understand. If i was you i would think about being with someone else right now, i mean, are you really in love with this person ? or are you after the infatuation and lust of a new relationship that you miss ?? If you still care about him, then you probably still love him deep down inside. I think society is ****ed up, 100 years ago, people would get married, and live all their lives with the same person, and they wer happy ! love is deeper then lust, sex and passion ( all these things can be revived ) but i guess you though about yourself, your feelings and you didnt think about him !! i dont know, but to me, when you are pass 1 yr with someone in a relationship, i dont see how you could ever leave this person ? sure it might get boring, or some issues might arise, but to me you only break up with a person if they cheat, beat you, or treat you like crap and manipulate you. Any other reason is bull**** to me! you were with him for 5yrs, you got the time to know him, like him , and love him, its not like you dated for 3 month and you found out he wasnt the person you want... anyways thats how i feel, my gf dumped me 5 month ago, and she is already seing someone else 2 month after she dumped me. She tells me she cares about me, but isnt in love with me.... but i remember her telling me all sorts of bs about marriage, kids, growing old together bla bla bla. eventually i guess it just got boring for her, and she wanted a new COCK, she missed the feeling of having a new relationship, the sparks, the romance, the lust, but instead of really trying to make things work out, she just left and i feel like ****, and betrayed, yet i still love her, and i hope it will go away, because clearly she doesnt deserve anything from me!! so imagine what your ex feels about you, he might still love you, and be willing to forgive you, but im sure he doesnt want to be reminded of you right now unless its to work things out ! i would contact him in 5 yrs if i was you...
Author BoldlyYours Posted June 17, 2011 Author Posted June 17, 2011 I will not argue the fact that I was immature or that I hurt him. I realize all these things. I feel terrible about it. Like I said I could have handled it better. I do not regret ending the relationship. It wasn't working,neither one of us wanted to put forth the energy or time to fixing it. It takes two to tango. We both had done our fair share of things to destroy the relationship. I will not now, nor have I ever said it was his fault. This has hurt me too, I lost 5 years of my life also. Though I was the one who ultimately decided to end it,and I was the one who threw away 5 years, I still hurt too. It wasn't easy. All I want is to know that he's ok and doing well. I don't think that's evil. Maybe it would be better to leave it be though.
Ajax Posted June 17, 2011 Posted June 17, 2011 I tend to think that in a case such as this, it's best to let sleeping dogs lay. It sounds like both of you were responsible for the deterioration of the relationship, since neither of you were willing to put in the effort to revive it. Actually... how do you know he wouldn't have been willing to do more? What it really comes down to is that you wanted out and he didn't. You mentioned that you could have handled it better, but these things happen and that's not something to beat yourself up about now. But you still need to abide by the consequences of your decisions and actions, which hurt him. To check in on him now because you want to make sure he's okay is both arrogant and condecending. What if he's not okay? What would you do? Nothing! There's nothing that would be appropriate for you to do. So checking in on him because you're curious would be like picking someone elses scab to see if the wound you caused still bleeds. Part of the consequences of breakups are wondering how and what the other person is doing. You're just going to have to live with it.
heartbroken555 Posted June 17, 2011 Posted June 17, 2011 well, you said he wasnt willing to end it, that means even threw all your problems and issues he still wanted to work things out.. my parents have been married for 25 yrs, they actually never slept with anybody else, they were each their first.... like my mom said, there were times, and years where she hated my dad, and couldnt stand him, and there were times where he didnt even want to sleep with her anymore... but when she looks back now, it was all worth it, because its not about "feelings" its deeper then that, its about going through the ups and downs of life and still being strong ! love is bs, marriage and committment have deeper meanings
PelicanPete Posted June 17, 2011 Posted June 17, 2011 Hey thanks for posting this. It's refreshing to hear on the other side of the fence once in awhile. My ex broke up with me a similar fashion. I was going through something and we had a dip in our relationship. She pulled away to another guy and said she didn't love me anymore. I wasn't fully aware of what was bothering her, but when she finally told me it was too late since she already cheated on me and didn't want to fix our relationship. It was frustrating and hurtful to have her stray when I needed her the most, especially when I was always there for her in the past. Of course she wouldn't agree with me. She said with her own words that the whole relationship was my fault, even the fact she cheated on me was my fault. Its comforting to read that you're taking responsibility since our stories are similar. I wish my ex did the same, it would've made moving on a bit easier. From going through something similar to your ex, please don't contact him. The only thing I'd want to hear from my ex is either a heartfelt apology for how she handled and behaved during the break up, or emailing me saying she was wrong and she wanted to get back together so that I could shoot her down. He won't appreciate you emailing him just to survey the damage, because its not like you'll do anything about it. You chose to break that connection with him, so if you really want to know whats going on with him you have to make an effort to fix it. If you're not willing to do that, then it is obvious you're only doing it to make yourself feel good. From him going NC after the break up, I think he's already had enough of that behavior.
smudge21 Posted June 17, 2011 Posted June 17, 2011 I see what others are saying about not contacting him, but I don't think you're going to be able to do that, hence why I said what I said about it. That feeling of sympathy and desire to know he's okay will probably only get worse until you know, and even then, I think you'll still be compelled to contact him. Take what everyone has said here on board and make your decision. I agree that if you say the wrong thing, you could end up hurting him more, so try and find out about his situation first before doing anything. You may find he's moved on and is happy.
nikkinicole36 Posted June 17, 2011 Posted June 17, 2011 BoldlyYours, I think your post touched a deep nerve. A lot of us are the dumpee in this situation, and so we know exactly how your ex is feeling right now. To contact him after all this time, especially since you don't want to get back together, would only just hurt him further. It sounds like you are carrying a lot of guilt. That's understandable, but to contact him to try to relieve yourself of your guilt is not really fair either. I don't mean that in a harsh way, but that's how your ex would most likely see it. Also since you didn't share how you felt leading up to the break up; you just withdrew emotionally and shut down, means that this was probably a unexpected breakup for him. He's got to be hurt that you didn't give him at least the respect after 5 years of not telling him how you felt. He had to be pretty crushed at the time. Are you at least happy in your new relationship? Because that'll be a question he'll likely ask you which would just further hurt him. I think it's best you stay away. It might put him into a bad place.
Author BoldlyYours Posted June 18, 2011 Author Posted June 18, 2011 Thanks for all the input everyone... I'm sorry for not directly quoting people, all of it was helpful. Though, yes, I think it will be hard not to contact him,I really think I'll resist... The last thing in the world I want to do is hurt him any more than I already have. That break up was the hardest thing I've ever done, and to answer a question asked... I know he wasn't really going to invest the time and effort into fixing the issues because we had nearly broken up a dozen times in the last 2 years and never did the trying last more than 2 weeks... It just wasn't meant to be. The things that bothered me about him were NOT going to change and the same goes for me. We just in the end weren't good for eachother. The new relationship is going well so far, and Nickie (don't know how to quote so sorry if mis-spelled) you're right it would be the first thing he would ask... I don't want to cause more pain... Yes, selfishly I want to feel better about ending it by hearing he's well,happy and doing great without me. Not only would it make me feel less guilty, but I would genuinely be happy for him. He deserves it. I wish in some ways I did hate him. It just wasn't working anymore... I want to add one last thing, bc one thing said really struck a nerve in me. I DID think about him... I thought about him with every move I made.For months I tried to think of ways to end things with him that wouldn't hurt him. The bottom line is when you leave someone they WILL be hurt. There's no getting around it. I think it very unfair to say I didn't think about him,and only myself. Let sleeping dogs lie... I just hope wherever he is, he's happy...
reimeivn Posted June 18, 2011 Posted June 18, 2011 I agree with brokenhearted555. I dont see why people can be with somebody for that long and one day be like, hey i dont love you anymore. Love is a lot more than that. It includes the thick and thin, all the hard times you go through with the other person. It is a treasure once you put efforts into it, and love the person for they are, as well as the experiences they bring to you. I think you are just thinking about your ego right now, if you truly cared about him, you wouldnt have done that.
Sugarkane Posted June 18, 2011 Posted June 18, 2011 I totally agree. Even if you found out that he wasn't doing well, what would you do about it?
brokendreamz Posted June 18, 2011 Posted June 18, 2011 Love is a rollercoaster. It aint always gonna be fun but when you work through a dark patch, the light at the end is blinding. Shame my ex didn't see it that way. After 8 years together she's shacked up with some arsehole she's been working with for nearly 5 years... a lot of questions are eating me up inside and I don't think I want to know the answer to them!
giuliano-3 Posted June 18, 2011 Posted June 18, 2011 well, you said he wasnt willing to end it, that means even threw all your problems and issues he still wanted to work things out.. my parents have been married for 25 yrs, they actually never slept with anybody else, they were each their first.... like my mom said, there were times, and years where she hated my dad, and couldnt stand him, and there were times where he didnt even want to sleep with her anymore... but when she looks back now, it was all worth it, because its not about "feelings" its deeper then that, its about going through the ups and downs of life and still being strong ! love is bs, marriage and committment have deeper meanings I love this. Reminds me of what my grandpa told me after my grandma passed away. I mentioned that they seemed like the perfect couple, destined for each other and seemed to never have any problems. He said "well, actually there were times we hated each other. It was hell sometimes, but we worked at it." This is something my generation doesn't seem to grasp, caught up in dreaming about Hollywood endings and soulmates.
giuliano-3 Posted June 18, 2011 Posted June 18, 2011 I know I didn't handle the situation as well as I could have, but it was my first real relationship. I did at one time love him a great deal and I will always care about him. I want to know that he's ok, that he moved on and is happy. I desperately want him to be. We only had a few mutual friends and they went with him. I have not heard a single word from him or about him. I don't know what I expect to hear, or want to hear. I don't think contacting him is a good idea, I don't want to open the wound. Advice would be MUCH appreciated. If you do say something, don't expect a response. At least not right away. He might still be in a stage of hating you, writing him might ease his pain in the long run but short term it will reopen the wound. Ask yourself if you want to contact him to ease your mind or to help him along his path to recovery. If it is about you, then I would recommend not contacting him.
Author BoldlyYours Posted June 18, 2011 Author Posted June 18, 2011 Giuliano-3- I don't know how to answer that question... I would definitely benefit from finding out he's ok, but it's not the only reason I want to know. I have decided not to contact him period. He's gone NC for this long, and obviously wants to, so unless someday he attempts to contact me, I'm going to leave him alone. I think I got what I wanted out of this... The majority would rather not be bothered, which I understand. I would like to ask a question to those of you who think that staying together with someone who you don't mesh well with forever, no matter the time invested, is worth it. Would you rather, say be with someone for 5 years, figure out you're very different people who after dozens of attempts can't seem to coexist, have it end with no one cheating, no one being belittled, having horrible things thrown in their faces, having the time to find a new place without a huge amount of stress, having everything nicely and evenly divided up, and the open possibility of friendship later.... OR stick in it for 5 more years, have nothing change, neither of you is happy, you hate and resent eachother, you cheat, you've now lost 10 years (best years) of your life, you lose friends, someone gets the house, someone sleeps in their car and a million other horrible things that realistically are the outcome... Cases like the grand parents are very rare... I have been the dumpee before also. It doesn't feel good, but being the dumper doesn't feel good either. It's a no win situation.
stopthemadness Posted June 18, 2011 Posted June 18, 2011 (edited) I say, dont you think you've done enough to this poor guy? You want see hows hes doing so YOU can feel better. Whats up? your new man aint doing smthing (you know what i mean) right that makes you think of what you lost. All this crap about, Oh I just wanta make sure hes ok!! Bunch of B--S---!! You left him now dont Look back!! You really dont care hows hes doing. You just wanta be nosey and see what or who hes been up to. You say you guys were off and on for a while. Sounds like you both tryed and am sure he knows that. The thing that bugs me here is your Your with smone else, in a relationship and wondering about your ex!! I think what you really want to hear is " I forgive you what you've done to me" tell me am wrong. See I just went through all this with my ex. And yes I told him that, that i forgive him for how he treated me when we brokeup. But I also told him, You wanted me gone, so now am gone! And No after this we wont be talking anymore and NO I dont wanta be your friend. Only reason I talked to him was because I heard how bad he was doing. Then when he reached out to me, well it just came out. I guess I figured he needed to hear it. Didnt even know I had it in me. You say it took you months to end it so you could find a way not to hurt him as much. Why would you want to revisit that? If you ask me. Contacting him will only cause him MORE pain then hes already been through. Dont do it!! Am just keeping it real. Stay strong on the N/C. Good luck with your new person, just keep moving forward............no matter what that means. Edited June 18, 2011 by stopthemadness
CorruptedOne Posted June 18, 2011 Posted June 18, 2011 Yikes, I smell a lot of bitterness... DON'T contact him. Leave him alone.. The path to evil is paved with good intentions. You will more than likely just reopen the wound and I doubt you will be given any piece of mind anyway. You did what you did, now stand by it. He was hurt, but I agree, by the sounds of it, it was probably the right thing to do. I wish my last ex had ended things with me before it got ugly. People should stop hiding behind their victim cards, judging others...
GreenPolicy Posted June 18, 2011 Posted June 18, 2011 Leave him alone. You emotionally checked out on him long before ending things, then waited until you had a prospect lined up before actually pulling the trigger. You don't deserve to be a part of his life in any capacity, and you contacting him to "see if he's okay" is just to ease your guilty conscience. You don't deserve to be let off the hook. This is all about making sure YOU can feel okay about ending things, not his welfare. You're not a bad person, but you handled the end of your relationship in a selfish and immature manner. You should have ended things long before you met somebody else and had a soft landing waiting to cushion the blow of ending your relationship. It's not your ex's responsibility to make you feel better about that. You lost all rights and privileges when it comes to your ex when you left him.
GreenPolicy Posted June 18, 2011 Posted June 18, 2011 Thank you, I'll try a friend first and if I can't get through a careful email. The LAST thing I want is to cause any pain. I just want to know he's in a good place. I know I caused him pain and I feel HORRIBLE about it. It's not your right or privilege to know if he's in a good place or not. If it's only been seven months, he probably isn't completely healed and you need to leave him alone so he can continue working on that. And you obviously don't care about him that much if you were willing to stay in the relationship long past its expiration date until you met somebody else that excited you. The bottom line is that you stayed in a relationship that wasn't working for you and wasted his time, then finally ended things when you had somebody else waiting in the wings. That's selfish and immature. The right thing to do would have been to end things once you realized it wasn't working out, then had the courage to be single and search for a new partner after the relationship was formally terminated. You will have to live with your guilty conscience and learn to forgive yourself for what you did. It's up to you to grant yourself forgiveness, not your ex. You have to do the hard work yourself of figuring out why you stayed in that relationship for so long and only exited once you had somebody else lined up so you wouldn't have to be alone, learn from it, forgive yourself, and move on. Your ex doesn't owe you a thing, least of all granting you absolution for your actions.
radiodarcy Posted June 20, 2011 Posted June 20, 2011 unless you're looking to get back together again, leave him alone. apologies at this point would be anti-climatic. trust that your ex has other support systems (family friends, maybe even a therapist) that are helping him get through this and let him rely on these resources to heal. hearing from you during this time is only going to make him feel worse.
Fufu Posted June 20, 2011 Posted June 20, 2011 I can tell you he's okay Therefore, continue with your own life.
ahoy Posted June 20, 2011 Posted June 20, 2011 I can tell you he's okay Therefore, continue with your own life. Quoted for truth.
wilsonx Posted June 20, 2011 Posted June 20, 2011 (edited) The thing is, I had met someone else who awakened feelings in me I hadn't felt in a long long time. It made me realize that it was time to end the relationship. I did NOT act on my feelings until after I dealt with my ex,but I still feel really guilty. I have not seen or spoken to the ex since the day he moved out and it kills me. He found out about the other guy through friends and thinks that I had been cheating on him all along (I assume that's what he thinks) He sensed this, guys sense this and when you hide it from us, we suspect that you are cheating. Because you are emotionally Its that simple. I sensed this in my ex... caught her at a bar with said guy and she broke up with me... guess what she did not do... she never once told me that she lost feelings for us to try and awaken them Edited June 20, 2011 by wilsonx
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