I'm about to break up with my boyfriend somebody stop me

[April72]

Ok. I have been dating a guy for 1 1/2 years. We both have colorful past and past marriages. Our relationship is almost to easy and completely satisfying....BUT.... I went to him and asked him if there was one fantasy or intimate act that he had never done before.... just one.... that we could share together. Now keep in mind our sex life is very active and fullfilling.... I just wanted to share one special thing with him. I honestly thought he would be thrilled and jump at the thought. NO. He refused. Just kept saying he is happy and satisfyied and just NO. He then said that he wasn't 20 anymore... so what you have to be 20 to share something special with me. He says know just he sexuallity matured and he doesn't need those things. So I say really all of your itches were scrathced back then and there's not one thing left we can share. Which lead to him going into detail about the things he did at 20 which are not your run of the mill sleeping around they were out there. Now I have all these terrible mental images of him doing all this other stuff. Granted it was many moons ago.... but that's his reason for not being able to share one special act with me. He just keeps saying you are special being with you is special I am satisfied and you must be unhappy or you wouldn't want this but It's not about that... it's about wanting to share just one thing that's ours. At our age there's no way there's a person is going to have a past I have one too... that's why I wanted something one act that was something we could say "never done that before that's ours that was awesome" maybe even deepen our bond. Really a guy doesn't want to jump at the chance at the woman he loves wanting to give it to him anyway he wants it and never had it... apparently he's had it all in his 20's nothing left for me. And now I find out we can't cause he got all his playing done in his 20's and left me with all the images. What do I do here ??? I mean I was so happy everything was perfect and I ask to give him a fantasy and it turns into a three week arguement and so many hurt feelings. Help!

[cerridwen]

Ok. I have been dating a guy for 1 1/2 years. We both have colorful past and past marriages. Our relationship is almost to easy and completely satisfying....BUT.... I went to him and asked him if there was one fantasy or intimate act that he had never done before.... just one.... that we could share together. Now keep in mind our sex life is very active and fullfilling.... I just wanted to share one special thing with him. I honestly thought he would be thrilled and jump at the thought. NO. He refused. Just kept saying he is happy and satisfyied and just NO. He then said that he wasn't 20 anymore... so what you have to be 20 to share something special with me. He says know just he sexuallity matured and he doesn't need those things. So I say really all of your itches were scrathced back then and there's not one thing left we can share. Which lead to him going into detail about the things he did at 20 which are not your run of the mill sleeping around they were out there. Now I have all these terrible mental images of him doing all this other stuff. Granted it was many moons ago.... but that's his reason for not being able to share one special act with me. He just keeps saying you are special being with you is special I am satisfied and you must be unhappy or you wouldn't want this but It's not about that... it's about wanting to share just one thing that's ours. At our age there's no way there's a person is going to have a past I have one too... that's why I wanted something one act that was something we could say "never done that before that's ours that was awesome" maybe even deepen our bond. Really a guy doesn't want to jump at the chance at the woman he loves wanting to give it to him anyway he wants it and never had it... apparently he's had it all in his 20's nothing left for me. And now I find out we can't cause he got all his playing done in his 20's and left me with all the images. What do I do here ??? I mean I was so happy everything was perfect and I ask to give him a fantasy and it turns into a three week argument and so many hurt feelings. Help!

 

No, YOUR guy (not "a guy") DOESN'T want to take advantage of your offer since he apparently blew his fantasy load in his 20s.

 

So, you can either break up over this OR you can accept the fact and work on the issues running rampant in your heart and mind.

 

You don't feel special with his Been There Done That attitude. I get that. Yet, I'm sure he considers you very special for things far more important.

 

You may feel jealous. Yet, who has him now? And we all have pasts. We don't live in them (usually). His reality is you and the now. Try to feel secure in that.

 

Back off the fighting, ok? Maybe recognize you're feeling a bit insecure and need some reassurance from him. But if you're caught in a loop of arguing, it's only making matters worse. Try to reflect some more and see what feelings are really underlying this all.

[creighton0123]

Sexual compromise isn't about doing things to please your partner. It's about doing those things that you are both ultimately comfortable with in order to heighten sexual pleasure.

 

You shouldn't be pressuring him to do things that he doesn't want to do in bed. How would you feel if he wanted to do something that you weren't comfortable with? Whether it's a finger in the sphincter or tying you up in a sling, it can divide you two if one partner tries something that inevitably makes the other leery and uncomfortable in bed.

 

Being upset that he won't step out of his comfort zone in bed is not something worth fighting over. It's about picking and choosing your battles. Is this one something you would pick to argue over if the role was reversed?

[spiderowl]

I don't get why you needed something extra from this guy. I mean, that's what you were asking of him really, something more exciting and special than what you already had. Regardless of whether he's done all these dramatic things in his past, you were putting pressure on him. Having been in a similar position before with a now ex boyfriend, I felt he was not satisfied with the sex life I was offering. He wanted something different - try this, try that. It's fine if someone wants to be continually adventurous but it just makes the other person ask if they want the same or not. I didn't. You're not happy with the replies you've got now but it seems to me the more important question is why did you need something more from him anyway?

[2sunny]

could it be that you expected him to offer fulfilling your fantasy? then he didn't...

[April72]

ok let me clarify a couple of things.

 

1. I never asked him to do anything he would not enjoy. I asked him to act out a fantasy that he had and had always wanted to try and I would be up for anything.

 

2. He has gone on and on about his past conquest and all this stuff he did and how much he enjoys sex.

 

3. He then tells me that he's a prude and vanilla now.

 

I just thought it was just giving him and open invitation to act out anything sexual he wanted and had never had. And no matter what it was I would try... since I started it. I was not in anyway trying to force one of my demands on him like it or not.

 

And now all I can feel is that he's scratched all of his itches with all these other women, thanks to all of his sharing, and has nothing in his hat for me that could just be ours. And I wish I could get rid of all the mental images I have now of all this past crap he shared. And then hurt feelings I have of him not wanting to open up to me and me fun and kinky and free like he apparently wanted to be before me.

[Lauriebell82]

It appears from your posts that you do not want to disclose this "special fantasy." Would you mind sharing it with us so we can get more info? If not, that's fine, don't feel pressured.

 

Regardless, it appears you already have retroactive jealousy due to your boyfriend disclosing his past conquests. So what makes you think that you can handle engaging in a fantasy with him, if you can't handle something that he did before he even met you?

[azsinglegal]

ok let me clarify a couple of things.

 

1. I never asked him to do anything he would not enjoy. I asked him to act out a fantasy that he had and had always wanted to try and I would be up for anything.

 

2. He has gone on and on about his past conquest and all this stuff he did and how much he enjoys sex.

 

3. He then tells me that he's a prude and vanilla now.

 

I just thought it was just giving him and open invitation to act out anything sexual he wanted and had never had. And no matter what it was I would try... since I started it. I was not in anyway trying to force one of my demands on him like it or not.

 

And now all I can feel is that he's scratched all of his itches with all these other women, thanks to all of his sharing, and has nothing in his hat for me that could just be ours. And I wish I could get rid of all the mental images I have now of all this past crap he shared. And then hurt feelings I have of him not wanting to open up to me and me fun and kinky and free like he apparently wanted to be before me.

 

I've had a lot of sexual experiences in my past that I wouldn't live over. Doesn't mean I don't want the guy I'm with, it just means that I had that experience, it's not what I want because what I want is right in front of me.

 

Just because he had experiences with someone else, doesn't mean he was more open with them than you. I did a lot of things in my past that now, I don't want to experience again. I did the kinky, s&m, role playing, fanstasy etc. stuff and now I want an emotionally fulfilling relationship not just a physical one.

 

Perhaps this is what your guy wants from you. I totally understand that you want to be the last memory in his mind of doing those things so when he thinks about them, he thinks about YOU and not someone else. But maybe instead of trying to be his past everything, be his current everything.

 

Him not wanting to revisit old sexual experiences might mean he want something deeper with you and not just a sexual fantasy fulfilled?

[April72]

It wasn't my fantasy I was getting at. I told him mine and he was more then willing oblige. He aslo told me that he had experienced it before and was shocked I hadn't and how erotic he had found when he did it before. I wanted him to share a fantasy he had. And he was completely shut off to the ideal.

 

I have made it clear that he has to quit sharing... we've both got past and i can not longer handle him sharing the details... I don't know the details... I want him to focue on me right now. Not that. I wanted it to be special for us... not know about how he did it before. And I just wanted to give him one thing he had never had... apparently there isn't anything left to share only with me.

 

Maybe I'm ignorant and niave... but I thought for some reason that having a woman that was willing to be open and kinky was a good thing for a man. And that a man's connection with sex and love was different and sorta combined.

 

That's what he says... it was just an act and he's a different person now... and it's about the emotional connection for him. And I'm glad we have this emotional connection.

 

But your right I am insanely jealous because he devuldged more then I ever needed to know. I feel like I will never measure up. I know i'm insecure and that's my issue not his.... I just don't know how to get past it. I'm so depressed at this point I don't even want to have sex with him at all. I just want to not care. I know I'm pathetic.... I wish he could understand why it hurts me and even if it's not reasonable... I truly feel real pain from all this and I just want to get back to how I felt before I even opened this bag of worms. I thought I was doing a good thing offering to give it to him anyway he wanted and instead I get told already had it all those ways sorry. idk I guess I'm crazy.

[April72]

Just out of curiosity... if the man your with now and you love and have this deep emotional connection with came to you and said I want to satisfy you by acting out a fantasy with you... to maybe give you something you've never had before. Would you say been there done that. Or would you becuase you love him and it would have been mutually satisfying for both of you, would you have been kinky for a minute with him ? I mean you love him and if he wanted it .... why not have the love and the kinky.... can they not co-exist ?

 

Not trying to attack your answer... but you sound alot like him.... so i'm just trying to figure it out.

[Lauriebell82]

Just out of curiosity... if the man your with now and you love and have this deep emotional connection with came to you and said I want to satisfy you by acting out a fantasy with you... to maybe give you something you've never had before. Would you say been there done that. Or would you becuase you love him and it would have been mutually satisfying for both of you, would you have been kinky for a minute with him ? I mean you love him and if he wanted it .... why not have the love and the kinky.... can they not co-exist ?

 

Not trying to attack your answer... but you sound alot like him.... so i'm just trying to figure it out.

 

Maybe I'm not understanding your question. Is this his fantasy or mine that he would be suggesting? Or would I be the one suggesting?

[April72]

If he came to you and ask you for your fantasy and asked you to share it with him ?

[azsinglegal]

Just out of curiosity... if the man your with now and you love and have this deep emotional connection with came to you and said I want to satisfy you by acting out a fantasy with you... to maybe give you something you've never had before. Would you say been there done that. Or would you becuase you love him and it would have been mutually satisfying for both of you, would you have been kinky for a minute with him ? I mean you love him and if he wanted it .... why not have the love and the kinky.... can they not co-exist ?

 

Not trying to attack your answer... but you sound alot like him.... so i'm just trying to figure it out.

 

I think by asking him and then pushing him to have you be his fantasy girl is making him retreat. If my man pushed me in that way and was getting angry because I did things in the past that I didn't want to relive with them, I would retreat too.

 

Just because he did them once, doesn't mean he wants to do them again. I think you're being a bit insecure about his past and letting it rule your future. You're with him now, it's a new relationship, so why do you want to relive a past relationship with him that he's NOT in anymore because it's obviously not what he wants?

 

Putting him on the spot and trying to FORCE him to have a fantasy with you is ridiculous. Of course he's going to get angry. He doesn't want that. He wants a loving, caring, deeply emotional relationship with you.

 

I do this too so I know it's true, that women sometimes put too much emphasis on sex and think if they win the man over sexually then he'll love them more. But that's not the case all the time.

 

I posted about being confused by my old FWB who's now trying to 'date' me and we quit having sex, he hadn't even tried in a month. I thought that by having sex is how he showed me he wants me, but you know what? It's not.

 

Even if we don't work out long term, I'm seeing there are so many other ways for a man to show his affection that has NOTHING to do with his dick. Quit putting so much emphasis on sex and look at the other things.

 

I would NEVER do the things sexually/kinky that I did in my past today. I don't want to. It was OK, but I'd rather have a loving, fulfilling relationship then a kinky fantasy. Sounds like your guy feels the same way.

[thatone]

you can't be a virgin again and forget his past and yours, it doesn't work that way. if it bothers you that much stop talking about it and stop thinking about it.

[April72]

your input is helping.... and i hear what you and him are both saying. but...

 

he is the one that kept brining up his past conquest.... it wasn't me asking or digging. I have even asked him to stop talking about it because i can't handle it. we started off has friends before we dated and so alot was shared at friendship stage. i told him now that i love him and because i am insecure i don't need to anymore details. i know all i need to know and unless he thinks it will benefit us now could he please talk about something else and leave all that in the past.... and to move forward with me and if low and behold he keeps slipping. i don't want him to feel like he has to walk on eggshells... but dear goodness if it's not all about sex and he's not still thinking about it or wanting it.... then i wish he would quit bringing all that up. I think he realizes now and will try to not anymore.

 

and can't kinky and emotional mix ??? that's the part i guess i don't get... because for me... until i feel comfortable in a relationship and safe letting my guard down getting kinky just isn't something i want to do. I have had drunken one night stands but it straight forward get what we are for is all it was... because i feel comfortable and open with him i'm willing to do things I wouldn't have been willing to do but always wanted to and i can't think of anyone else i would rather share them with but him.

 

i know our relationship goes beyond the bedroom if it didn't heck i would have said ... thanks for sharing to much... hope you find a great girl for you but this won't work for me. but because there is more to the relationship I want more then ever to get past this. that's why i'm on here asking strangers for any bit of advice to help me snap out of it.

 

but out of side of maybe bringing in extra people... because that most certaintly can ruin an emotional connection i've seen it. why not relive some of the pleasurable fun experiences heck they might even be better and more enjoyable now with some one you love?

 

I guess i don't understand... maybe it's because i don't have those experiences. maybe i'm just thick headed.

[azsinglegal]

Maybe he just doesn't want to relive them with you because he doesn't see you that way? Maybe if he DID do those things with you he might lose respect for you and see you differently? Maybe you should just let it go and focus on the good things you have?

 

If you continue to obsess about it, it might just drive him away. But again, the title of your thread is you want to break up with him.

 

Perhaps you want out and this is the excuse you're using? Lots of variables here. I'm not sure of your age here, but I'm guessing a little young.

 

As you get older, the past matters less and the future becomes the most important part of your life. Past experiences and conquests take the back seat to what could be with someone.

 

Why focus on what you don't have and focus on what you do? Kinky and love DO mix, but in the right relationship. Maybe you have to ask yourself, is this the relationship you really want right now? (Meaning the one with him).

[April72]

We are both forty and both have past. And because of that and because his clearly much more "colorful" then mine. I just wanted to share one thing we hadn't shared in the past that could be ours. Our special thing. Not how we feel for each other. Something physical. And since our emotional status is secure I felt secure in opening up to him about the fact there's alot I haven't done and wanted to and got sorry I've done all that. Let's just keep it basic.

 

I may not be 20 anymore but I still have alot of fire and life left... I still have lots of fun and things I want to do. I'm not ready to flop on the couch and sex take a back seat because I've scrathed every possible itch I had to scratch.

 

And if he had come to me with something like this... something that would meet a need for him and also be pleasing for me.... I would have gladly been there for him. I did not ask for him to dig in his past and want to do something that promoted a bad feeling for him...he's the one that started throwing out all he did in his past. I didn't really want to hear about it at all and never asked. I wanted him to come up with something he had always wanted to try but didn't have the oppurtunity something new and fresh. And instead I get done it all... i can't think of anything i haven't wanted to do that I haven't tried.

 

I don't want to obsess over it and I know I am... just trying to process and make a decision... if I can settle for Mr. Been there done that... or if I want to find someone that still has something in him left for me.

 

I know I sound like a pyscho path.... I'm just so hurt and angry. It's effected the way I see him and the way I see myself in this relationship.

Edited June 21, 2011 by April72

[azsinglegal]

I'd have to say the majority of men I've had LTR with don't have nearly as colorful a past as I do. If they asked me to relive any of my past experiences, I would be hesitant because I'm not really into any of that anymore.

 

I'm not sure what to tell you here. Sexual relations is a very important part of a relationship. From my experience, when that goes bad it's normally a sign that other things are wrong. Then it becomes the pink elephant in the room that no one wants to talk about.

 

You just need to decide for yourself if THIS guy and THIS relationship is what you want. I've been in a few relationships where I was much more sexual then the man and it never worked out. I'd be bored and try to do new things, but always get shot down. In the end, we just weren't compatible.

 

Good luck chica. Btw, I'm 38 so I totally relate to where you're at.

[April72]

Thank you for all your input it's really helped.

 

but once again... i didn't ask for anything from his past. I wanted something new. Something he could say I've always wanted to try this and even though I've done alot I've done this.

 

Most of the stuff he told me he did... wasn't appealing... so his past is not what I was after. but because I ended up feeling so rejected... and because he just kept telling me more and more about this or that... i feel very hurt. I'm gonna try to get past it and let it go since what we have is good.... but at this point i'm not sure i can.

 

and unfortunately he is completely confused.

 

anyway thanks for you input.

[azsinglegal]

You need to read this book: Love and Respect. by Emerson Eggerichs

 

It's a little heavy on the religious side, but has some really great information. I've learned a lot from it. I downloaded it to my kindle. Check it out.

[truthbeknown]

okay i'll chime in from a man's perspective and maybe it will help. I had an ex gf that was very sexually needy. I loved the sex in the begining because i felt she wanted me and i wanted her etc. But very quickly, the sex turned into little things about not pleasing her enough. I tried new positions etc and if i didn't ejaculate two time in a row she felt hurt etc. If i didn't do something exactly as she imagined she felt hurt or acted that way. As it turns out she was a "drama" person and the more intimate i wanted to get with her emotionally, the more she used sex to wall things. basically, the unspoken message was; if the sex isn't how i want it, i'm not going to be into you!. She eventually broke up with me for something stupid (perhaps so she could be free to find another fantasy). so you see, if your man has a past like this (even just one experience) that perhaps he is fearful that you will or are turning into something in his past that scares him? since that relationship i have red a book about intimacy and sex called "cupids poison arrow". After reading this, i really understood more about the biology of how couples drive each other away from each other and it has helped me put the past behind me. Some men are scared that if their lady gets too sex hungry that she might also go looking for it somewhere else-

[Forever Learning]

April72 I understand where you are coming from. I would feel exactly the same way in this situation! EXACTLY!!

 

 

There seems like a reasonable way to resolve this problem.

 

You guys were doing pretty good until he really hurt your feelings with this, and now you are considering breaking up with him.

 

I think you should tell him a couple things.

 

 

1) Tell him you NEVER NEVER NEVER want to hear a single word AGAIN about his past sexual history. NOTHING.

 

UNLESS............. YOU specifically ask HIM, then he is free to share information about his past at his discretion.

 

Of course, think long and hard before you ever ask him anything again.

It hurts too much! I understand this concept!!

 

2) Tell him how you have been hurt by his lack of enthusiasm in responding to your request of trying something he has never done but always wanted.... HIS fantasy.

 

Honesty is the best policy. Tell him how you feel, tell him it hurts you because you wanted something special between the two of you.

 

If he would just put on his thinking cap, he could come up with something. Anything. Damn, it's not rocket science. It's sex.

 

He needs to put forth some kind of effort on your request. Just don't keep asking for more and more after this, it is obviously not up his alley to swing from chandeliers anymore.

 

But a one time request to visit kinkyville is not being over demanding for Pete's sake.

 

And then you could move past this and move forward without being pissed about this entire issue for months or years to come.

 

After that, I can't really recommend you ask too much more from him in this area. He will initiate new things in the future now and then if he wants to. And if in the future you want to do new things again, you will have to thoughtfully suggest it without being too demanding and freaking him out or backing him into a corner.

 

Since its just not his thing anymore.

 

People change, and you have to respect who they are now, and embrace the good things you have together.

 

Just my 2 cents. I am bummed out about the whole thing for you! I hope he will come up with something special to share with you - it would just be the thoughtful and caring thing to do in this situation to make you happy and resolve this with you.

 

But most of all, try to communicate how all this makes you feel, so you don't bottle it up and internalize the hurt you are feeling. Good luck!

[azsinglegal]

okay i'll chime in from a man's perspective and maybe it will help. I had an ex gf that was very sexually needy. I loved the sex in the begining because i felt she wanted me and i wanted her etc. But very quickly, the sex turned into little things about not pleasing her enough. I tried new positions etc and if i didn't ejaculate two time in a row she felt hurt etc. If i didn't do something exactly as she imagined she felt hurt or acted that way. As it turns out she was a "drama" person and the more intimate i wanted to get with her emotionally, the more she used sex to wall things. basically, the unspoken message was; if the sex isn't how i want it, i'm not going to be into you!. She eventually broke up with me for something stupid (perhaps so she could be free to find another fantasy). so you see, if your man has a past like this (even just one experience) that perhaps he is fearful that you will or are turning into something in his past that scares him? since that relationship i have red a book about intimacy and sex called "cupids poison arrow". After reading this, i really understood more about the biology of how couples drive each other away from each other and it has helped me put the past behind me. Some men are scared that if their lady gets too sex hungry that she might also go looking for it somewhere else-

 

Thank you. Your response actually gave ME some insight and this isn't even my thread. Appreciate your input. I enjoy when men respond in here because it's a view I wouldn't normally understand. Really helps things be put into perspective.