Author lostleoforlibra Posted June 18, 2011 Author Posted June 18, 2011 First of all I am impressed you can type all that out on a cell phone. I really think you need to seek professional help (said with kindness). You know the answer to your problem. I do have one question though. What is the racial background of this bastard? Hello Loni thanks for your response, I have sought professional help, and it was with someone I felt wasn't adequately able to help me along the way, therefore I stop seeing him. However I am going to look into another therapist asap, because I would like to figure out my underlying issue within that would allow me to put up with someone of his caliber and for so long not being able to get a grip and let go. I do know the initial issue is inside of me somewhere it has to be, but right now he is the problem I need to break free of to begin to heal an uncover my own issue... if that makes any sense at all. Oh and I have a droid smart phone its really like a pc so I guess its a good phone lol cause yes I was able to type the entire thread using my mobile device. Honestly I don't see what his race has to do with it, but I don't mind answering your question he is disguised as an African American, however these days, or rather I have come to learn he is really a martian lol just some humor...but thanks again for your response.
Loni Posted June 18, 2011 Posted June 18, 2011 WTH? What difference does race make? Are you unaware that cheating bastards (YOUR word) come in all colors? Wow. Of course they come in all colors. Sometimes though Caucasians feel a sense of superiority over other races. The OP mentioned that he called her a black bitch so I wondered if he might be one of them. Settle down dear, nothing sinister here.
Loni Posted June 18, 2011 Posted June 18, 2011 Hello Loni thanks for your response, I have sought professional help, and it was with someone I felt wasn't adequately able to help me along the way, therefore I stop seeing him. However I am going to look into another therapist asap, because I would like to figure out my underlying issue within that would allow me to put up with someone of his caliber and for so long not being able to get a grip and let go. I do know the initial issue is inside of me somewhere it has to be, but right now he is the problem I need to break free of to begin to heal an uncover my own issue... if that makes any sense at all. Oh and I have a droid smart phone its really like a pc so I guess its a good phone lol cause yes I was able to type the entire thread using my mobile device. Honestly I don't see what his race has to do with it, but I don't mind answering your question he is disguised as an African American, however these days, or rather I have come to learn he is really a martian lol just some humor...but thanks again for your response. Thanks for clarifying on the race thing. I just thought it was odd for him to call you a black bitch. I have a droid phone too but no way could I type all that out on it. You sound like a compassionate person who deserves more than this. It's not just the cheating that makes him a bastard it's his constant back and forth and vitriol. Oh, and please, please do not give him anymore money.
Author lostleoforlibra Posted June 19, 2011 Author Posted June 19, 2011 Thanks for clarifying on the race thing. I just thought it was odd for him to call you a black bitch. I have a droid phone too but no way could I type all that out on it. You sound like a compassionate person who deserves more than this. It's not just the cheating that makes him a bastard it's his constant back and forth and vitriol. Oh, and please, please do not give him anymore money. Yeah he is pretty bad... and right now my hope is to not even give him acknowledgment of any kind period let alone one brown penny! Thanks again
fooled once Posted June 19, 2011 Posted June 19, 2011 Hello frozen thanks for your words it really does mean a lot! I agree with you this total situation has really been the most saddest points of my entire 33 years of life! BUT one thing that proves to be consistent with me is I am a survivor and I will survive this too! One thing I would like to add is I am very grateful that I was able to find this forum! I have learned a lot and gain a tremendous amount of strength, and courage from all of the advice that you guys have given tough words and all it had to be said I needed to hear this I welcome all advice those bluntly put and those not so blunt! THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH!!! I have not spoken or text with him sincee Thursday of course he is in Las Vegas(of course he doesn't know I am aware of this) also with the girl that I'm not suppose to know is pregnant by him, I am suppose to believe he is in FL visiting his daughter, and as usual I don't bother him when he has his time with her... it will spark some concern within him im sure when he doesn't get a happy fathers day call or text from me... perhaps this is a good thing, cause when he returns that may make him take a few extre days before contacting me which works to my benefit because the more days that go by w/o contact from him, and reading the responses I get from you all make me more stronger and determined to RUN and STAY far away from him and his crap! Thanks again! Why in the world would you send HIM a Happy Father's Day text? Is he the father of one of your kids? YOU have the power to stop this nonsense. YOU have to make the CHOICE to stop this. And I do have to disagree - while you are mopey and upset about him, you are not focusing on your kids. Yes, our kids see us upset and that helps them learn to deal with their emotions but it isn't as if you can say "mommy gave a bunch of money to a guy who is married and is sleeping with her and another girl and now has a baby with another girl and it makes me sad". Hope and pray your children never figure all this out because it can cause them to lose respect for you. Honor your children by ending all this crap. If this was your daughter (not sure if you have one) who was doing / behaving as you are, what would you say to her? Take that advice for yourself. Good luck and I hope you can see how utterly toxic and damaging further contact with this man will be.
Ellin Posted June 19, 2011 Posted June 19, 2011 WTH? What difference does race make? Are you unaware that cheating bastards (YOUR word) come in all colors? Wow. Jeez. Loni just asked a question. Nowhere did she indicate that she thinks his race has anything to do with his vices.. Aren't you a bit oversensitive?
Ellin Posted June 19, 2011 Posted June 19, 2011 (edited) Hello Ellin! Thanks so much for your time to read my story, and commenting with TRUTHFUL words of encouragements. I too know that after I lost my job I was thrown for a loop I really do belive that, that's when I was at my most vulnerable point when he was able to appear to be more than he really was, if you know what I mean! You see I have ALWAYS worked and taken care of myself, and then my children when they were gifted to me! I wont say this was the only reason I allowed this to continue for happen, but I do feel that had a lot to do with it. Maybe for some reason it was cause I was made to feel needed... I wanted to help and love him, but the task became to overwhelming because he is a total parasite and I mean that literally!! Hey thanks again, I'm just focusing on staying strong, me, and my kids not necessarily in any specific order all at the same time Lost, stay strong and if you have no one else to talk to, keep posting on this forum. You will need support now. You wrote in another post that you had a therapist but didn't feel she/he could help you. That can easily happen. When we seek therapy we need to find someone we are truly comfortable with and who we feel understands us very well and contributes something valuable and significant to out healing, shows us direction. Not every therapist can do it, just like not every person can be our close friend. It might take a while to find the right person, but keep trying. Like someone else said, it might be very beneficial for you to also find a women support group, women who have gone through something similar. Although I didn't use this word in my previous post, I also believe that you have been subjected to severe emotional abuse by this man, and it is hard to break free from abuse, so congratulate yourself on every little victory. In your opening post you mentioned that you have a strong attachment to him or he has some hold over you. That makes me think that there is a deep underlying cause, not just that you were vulnerable at the time, because of losing your job etc. See, I've been in a similar situation. I was married to an abusive man and stayed with him for years, despite going through hell. I cannot believe now, looking back, what sort of things I put up with back then. But I did put up with it, even though there was nothing that stopped me from leaving him, apart from my own inner emotional conflicts. It was all connected to my childhood. I grew up with emotionally unavailable and abusive parents. Because of how they treated me I subconsciously formed negative beliefs about myself, for example the belief that I had to do everything someone expected of me and put my needs last after everyone else's. As a child I also desperately tried to "win" my parents' love and acceptance that I needed for validation, but no matter how hard I tried it never seemed to be good enough. I carried these experiences subconsciously into my adult life and these old "programs" played a huge part in the way I responded when I was placed in this familiar abusive atmosphere of my marriage. Responded in a way that was bad for me and against all logic. Once I understood what was going on, it was easy to break free. What helped me was finding information about narcissistic personality disorder, as this is what I believe is my mother's and xH's predicament. The behavior of this man that has put you through so much sounds a bit similar to what I experienced, so you might find it helpful to google 'narcissistic abuse'. In any case, this man is seriously disturbed and you cannot help him or fix him, no matter how much love or anything else you'll give to him. He is like a bottomless hole and you can only end up being sucked dry. The more you make yourself available to him, the more he'll take advantage. Take care. Edited June 19, 2011 by Ellin
Author lostleoforlibra Posted June 20, 2011 Author Posted June 20, 2011 Hello everyone! I hope you all had a wonderful weekend and a great fathers day as well! I wanted to give a quick update on my status. I have not made any contact with HIM, (Thursday of last week was our last communication) although he did send a text on fathers day saying "Wow!" I believe he did this because it was shocked that I had not sent him a fathers day wish... like I told you all before, not sending one was going to be an issue with him, and through up red flags to him! I am feeling ok haven't had any extreme urges to call or text him to quote on quote give him a piece of my mind. I think its cause I just don't care to go through the bs that I'm sure will come along if I did so. Either way I'm just celebrating my small victory of not contacting or not responding ...I'm really patting myself on the back. Although I know the pressure has really been laid on me yet, and I know its coming! Thanks again keep rooting for me please! LLL
Mimolicious Posted June 20, 2011 Posted June 20, 2011 Lost Leo for Libra... I think we need to do consultation, if your username has anything to do with your R. Leo's & Libras... neh! Become A MAD BLACK B!TCH then! You'll see how fast he wont fack with you. GET ANGRY! Think of all the bad times he's made you go through as someone else suggested and you'll see. When you think of him, you'll feel disgusted . Little by little you wont even want to hear from him ever again. Like Ellin said, DON'T GIVE HIM ANY $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$. For all you know, he's spending your hard earned money on some ho's. OH and please do yourself a favor, if he calls from Vegas, don't even answer. He either needs bail money or has a debt.
TigerCub Posted June 20, 2011 Posted June 20, 2011 Hello everyone! I hope you all had a wonderful weekend and a great fathers day as well! I wanted to give a quick update on my status. I have not made any contact with HIM, (Thursday of last week was our last communication) although he did send a text on fathers day saying "Wow!" I believe he did this because it was shocked that I had not sent him a fathers day wish... like I told you all before, not sending one was going to be an issue with him, and through up red flags to him! I am feeling ok haven't had any extreme urges to call or text him to quote on quote give him a piece of my mind. I think its cause I just don't care to go through the bs that I'm sure will come along if I did so. Either way I'm just celebrating my small victory of not contacting or not responding ...I'm really patting myself on the back. Although I know the pressure has really been laid on me yet, and I know its coming! Thanks again keep rooting for me please! LLL Good for you Lost!! Its all about the little steps - you'll get there! Be proud of yourself! You are right, the real pressure is coming, but you can handle it - and you can come and post here whenever you feel discouraged. Don't let some loser weasel his way back into your life. You're waaaaaaaaaaay better off without him (and that is a freakin understatement)
Author lostleoforlibra Posted June 21, 2011 Author Posted June 21, 2011 Hey everyone... well as suspected the pressure is on and beginning to get more urges to answer the calls and text messages I haven't as of yet because to be honest I feel good ignoring him for a change and for two I know talking or confronting to him at all will only lead to lies and/or him being cold either case it wont be good for me the power will then be his again and right now I feel like that old song by c&c music factory I think it was "I GOT THE POWER"!!!! lol either way I got about 5 calls starting last night that im happy to report I ignored each one AND then he sent a text last night saying " I miss my D, absence makes the hearts grow fonder right?"I didn't reply... can't say I didn't get any urge to, but then this morning he sent 3 text messages one saying good morning the second that read: "Ok, I've called, I've text, and nothing. If you want me to not contact you, please let me know why, and I will oblige. Otherwise, give me a dam response!" When I didn't respond after an hour, the 3rd text said " Ok. Got it" He just sent that one I feel like now he talking cause he must be coming home soon cause yes he is still in Vegas (I know because of his fb post) with her. So have I inadvertently started NC, or do I have to say the words for it to officially be over? Based upon his last text I should believe he got the message now righ? Some part of me thinks that the same old usual bait... to get me talking! Idk! :-/
Mimolicious Posted June 21, 2011 Posted June 21, 2011 Hey everyone... well as suspected the pressure is on and beginning to get more urges to answer the calls and text messages I haven't as of yet because to be honest I feel good ignoring him for a change and for two I know talking or confronting to him at all will only lead to lies and/or him being cold either case it wont be good for me the power will then be his again and right now I feel like that old song by c&c music factory I think it was "I GOT THE POWER"!!!! lol either way I got about 5 calls starting last night that im happy to report I ignored each one AND then he sent a text last night saying " I miss my D, absence makes the hearts grow fonder right?"I didn't reply... can't say I didn't get any urge to, but then this morning he sent 3 text messages one saying good morning the second that read: "Ok, I've called, I've text, and nothing. If you want me to not contact you, please let me know why, and I will oblige. Otherwise, give me a dam response!" When I didn't respond after an hour, the 3rd text said " Ok. Got it" He just sent that one I feel like now he talking cause he must be coming home soon cause yes he is still in Vegas (I know because of his fb post) with her. So have I inadvertently started NC, or do I have to say the words for it to officially be over? Based upon his last text I should believe he got the message now righ? Some part of me thinks that the same old usual bait... to get me talking! Idk! :-/ He got the message.... for the next few days. He'll hit you up again. It's all a game. You haven't been able to see his pattern? Change your number if you really want to end communication. Why would you even want to be able to receive his messages? I know that you are being strong and congrats at being firmed but for how long you think you will do this? Why even put yourself through having to read his messages? I know that I am probably suggesting too much but try really erasing the possibilities. CHANGE THE NUMBER GIRL!
TigerCub Posted June 21, 2011 Posted June 21, 2011 Good for you Lost!!! I'm so super proud of you :bunny: Yes, you pretty much started NC. His "Got it" text was just an effort on his part to show you that he's hurt and that he is the one that's going to stop contacting you now. Its testing if you're going to get scared and just quickly reply with something stupid like "oh, sorry baby, please don't be mad, I miss you too" but you're stronger than that, and I sure hope that you stick to your guns and never give him a response. As for giving him an explanation - honestly, I did when I went NC with xMM, but the guy you're involved with doesn't need one. He doesn't deserve one. Its clear as day why he's being ignored and why he's not worth a second of your time. He can go f*ck himself stay strong and be very proud of yourself
TigerCub Posted June 21, 2011 Posted June 21, 2011 He got the message.... for the next few days. He'll hit you up again. It's all a game. You haven't been able to see his pattern? Change your number if you really want to end communication. Why would you even want to be able to receive his messages? I know that you are being strong and congrats at being firmed but for how long you think you will do this? Why even put yourself through having to read his messages? I know that I am probably suggesting too much but try really erasing the possibilities. CHANGE THE NUMBER GIRL! Completely agree with this! Yeah Lost, he's going to give you the cold shoulder for a few days - but he WILL contact you again and try to weasel his way back in. Don't give him the opportunity.
BB07 Posted June 21, 2011 Posted June 21, 2011 Maybe it's a little off topic but IMO NC should be started with a email or text message simply saying that I do not wish to speak to you again, please do not contact me in any way. Then you ignore and/or preferably block all communications. To just ignore someone oftentimes gives them the impression that it's a game as they don't have a clue that you are frickin' serious.
Author lostleoforlibra Posted June 21, 2011 Author Posted June 21, 2011 He got the message.... for the next few days. He'll hit you up again. It's all a game. You haven't been able to see his pattern? Change your number if you really want to end communication. Why would you even want to be able to receive his messages? I know that you are being strong and congrats at being firmed but for how long you think you will do this? Why even put yourself through having to read his messages? I know that I am probably suggesting too much but try really erasing the possibilities. CHANGE THE NUMBER GIRL! Hey Ms. Licious you surely right... I have no dobt based apon his pattern he will be contacting me again especially when he touches down in Virginia (he probably can't wait to steal away from her to get the skinny on what’s going down with me) but im sure from a different angle next time he will probably more than likely say im wrongfor making him worry ... and that he is concerned and the least I could do is let him know I'm okay, just to get me to respond so that he then in turn can say" F you for not replying to me when I called you im done with you Della for doing that to me this way" .... manipulation and guilty he will be trying to make me feel, after he has been the one lying and away enjoying the Vegas sun with a woman he is about to have a child with thagt he tells me he don’t know if she is pregnant because he doesn't eveb speak to!! Yeah the nerve of him, but that's him and I KNOW That's his MO. Im just waiting for him to threaten to come to my home to make sure im ok... then that's when I more than likely will have no other option but to send the final text that I decided to end our entanglement... all communication and contact ends here. Goodbye. Which will lead to him saying only one word that will hurt no doubt (if you can understand why I hope) "Peace" and then I'm sure we will be done. Free I'll be of him... on the surface but honestly he will live in my head! About my number changing can't do that just now I am a licensed hakr stylist (new business) I refuse to allow him to cause me a loss of MORE Money! But I will restricted his texts and calls if Verizon has that option looking into it TODAY!!
Author lostleoforlibra Posted June 21, 2011 Author Posted June 21, 2011 Completely agree with this! Yeah Lost, he's going to give you the cold shoulder for a few days - but he WILL contact you again and try to weasel his way back in. Don't give him the opportunity. Hey Tiger! Deep down I hope he gives me the cold shoulder eternally! But if he doesn't I know im going to have to eventually say the words! He is on his way back now he just updated his FB (im going to stop checking it I know, old habits die hard) saying he is headed back home. Keep rooting for me looking into call block and sms block now on the Verizon site... I think that's an option however what's to stop him from coming over? Ugh this sucks harder and more calculating that it should have to be but its worth it to gain back control of my life and mind.
Author lostleoforlibra Posted June 21, 2011 Author Posted June 21, 2011 (edited) Maybe it's a little off topic but IMO NC should be started with a email or text message simply saying that I do not wish to speak to you again, please do not contact me in any way. Then you ignore and/or preferably block all communications. To just ignore someone oftentimes gives them the impression that it's a game as they don't have a clue that you are frickin' serious. You may be right ... I do want him to know that his time I'm serious! Maybe I should do it while his phone is in airplane mode and when he lands he will get the message. And I will keep it brief and with no emotion... I don’t want to get into why, I just want him to know "what" meaning what to do and that is go his way... the words you used sound good to use. I have to be very particular about my word choice with this man because if not I always pay in the end, believe me when I tell you! Edited June 21, 2011 by lostleoforlibra
BB07 Posted June 21, 2011 Posted June 21, 2011 You may be right ... I do want him to know that his time I'm serious! Maybe I should do it while his phone is in airplane mode and when he lands he will get the message. And I will keep it brief and with no emotion... I don’t want to get into why, I just want him to know "what" meaning what to do and that is go his way... the words you used sound good to use. I have to be very particular about my word choice with this man because if not I always pay in the end, believe me when I tell you! You don't owe him any explanations at all.......and I think airplane mode will be a great time and please look into it re: your phone companies about blocking numbers, some do, some don't and it will be so worth it if you can. It will be so much easier if you block him instead of having to field the calls and be all jumpy when the phone rings. Also be aware that there will be stage when your phone goes quite that you will crave the contact and your messed up head will tell you that if he really cared he wouldn't give up, Please ignore that voice as it's not accurate. It takes a while to ride down from the drama and appreciate the peace and quite but it will come and you'll be so much better for it. Do this for YOU and your new drama free life! Hugs.......
Author lostleoforlibra Posted June 21, 2011 Author Posted June 21, 2011 Okay so its technically official.... I sent the text here's what I said "I've decided that I do not wish to speak to you again, please do not contact me in any way." His phone is in airplane mode I know because of googlechat says he is unavailable and like I told you previously I did read his last fb post saying he was on his way back home... I don't feel he will draw things out for too long but for safe than sorry reasons I am going to block the number and sms after I make this updat I don't expect him to get that text until about 8pm est which is when he probably will land or 10pm im guess. Idk all I know is when he does it would be best if I just have it blocked so he will know I mean business if he trys to call tonight! Maybe that will help my mind by tricking it to believe the only reason he hasn't called is cause he can't. Idk but I do know he doesn't care enough to torment me long simply because its too much work for him and when he feels something or someone has no value to him anymore ... then they are worthless and should be discarded of anyway! I would be lying to you guys if I told you im not saddened for some reason and that honestly I'm afraid .... of who do you ask? Im afraid of me! If you can understand that! I been here to many time before but this time my life depends on it I have to close the door I just want to be HAPPY now like never before!
Author lostleoforlibra Posted June 21, 2011 Author Posted June 21, 2011 Okay so its technically official.... I sent the text here's what I said "I've decided that I do not wish to speak to you again, please do not contact me in any way." His phone is in airplane mode I know because of googlechat says he is unavailable and like I told you previously I did read his last fb post saying he was on his way back home... I don't feel he will draw things out for too long but for safe than sorry reasons I am going to block the number and sms after I make this updat I don't expect him to get that text until about 8pm est which is when he probably will land or 10pm im guess. Idk all I know is when he does it would be best if I just have it blocked so he will know I mean business if he trys to call tonight! Maybe that will help my mind by tricking it to believe the only reason he hasn't called is cause he can't. Idk but I do know he doesn't care enough to torment me long simply because its too much work for him and when he feels something or someone has no value to him anymore ... then they are worthless and should be discarded of anyway! I would be lying to you guys if I told you im not saddened for some reason and that honestly I'm afraid .... of who do you ask? Im afraid of me! If you can understand that! I been here to many time before but this time my life depends on it I have to close the door I just want to be HAPPY now like never before! His reply came in I guess he had a flight transfer ... he said "Roger that. Have a good life". So I guess that's that.......
BB07 Posted June 21, 2011 Posted June 21, 2011 His reply came in I guess he had a flight transfer ... he said "Roger that. Have a good life". So I guess that's that....... Ok this is the beginning for you and you can have a good life. Keep posting and post if you feel weak. You can do this and you deserve better........
Author lostleoforlibra Posted June 21, 2011 Author Posted June 21, 2011 (edited) Ok this is the beginning for you and you can have a good life. Keep posting and post if you feel weak. You can do this and you deserve better........ Thanks BB07 I really, really, REALLY appreciate all the support! 3 years is a long time, so I know im going to need all the help and support I can get. Best believe I will be throwing out a life line for help probably sooner than later! Oh and remember the voice that you spoke about earlier ... you know the one that you said would come and say if he reall cared wouldn't have given in so easy... well the came almost immediately after getting his text reply! I know he didn't care not because of that short nonchalant text but because of the way he treated me poorly more often than good for so long and I accepted the scraps he offered! It even came to mind that I had always told him no matter what I would be there for him... and I now have given up and betrayed HIM... when I know better, he was the one that didn't value me and respect me with all the lies and taking advantage!!! So why do I feel like im about to have an anxiety attack!!!! He really did a number on me... the mind f'ing continues and he hasn't even said a complete sentence. Edited June 21, 2011 by lostleoforlibra
Author lostleoforlibra Posted June 29, 2011 Author Posted June 29, 2011 It's. Been a hard week. NC is hard, that is all.
waytogo Posted June 29, 2011 Posted June 29, 2011 It's. Been a hard week. NC is hard, that is all. It get's easier as you go. You don't have to answer, but have you ever had a close loved one die? At 1st, you may think you will never smile again. Little by little, there will be days you don't think of the lost one at all. Adventually, you remember this or that without that choking pain attached to the memory. I bet you won't, but I'll ask anyway. Please never let a man cry poor to you again. I'll bet he found $ for things he treated as a priority, even if a beer at the local tavern. If a man is serious about finding his way to you, he will find a way. If there is a justifiable lacking in his cash flow, at the most, split costs. If a man won't take on some responsibility toward getting where he wants to go, he hasn't grown into a man yet. Just a boy in an adult body looking for someone else to make his way. It sounds like you have some disposable income. Maybe use some of that for a spa day for yourself, new outfit or exploring a hobby of interest. Something just for you that makes you feel good. You deserve that!
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