lostleoforlibra Posted June 17, 2011 Posted June 17, 2011 I want to first start by saying this is a long story however I want to give the entire situation in order that I may get the best advice and support. I really wish I didn't have to write so much cause I know the longer the message can tend discourage people from taking the time of reading, however please take the time because at this point I'm desperately crying out for HELP! So here goes .... Three years ago I meet online (myspace) a man I wasn't using the site a a dating mechanism just as a social forum for friends and family. The man emailed me with interests of getting to know me... I initially declined explaining that, that's not what I was on the site for... however he was very persistent, needless to say I gave in he was attractive, charming, and seemed to be a nice guy. We chated online for a few weeks, which lead to the exchanging of phone numbers. We talked over the phone for a few more weeks, then decided to meet. The topics of marriage did come up when I directly asked him if he was married or ever been married... he in turn told me indeed he had been married and technically he still is, however he and his wife were no longer together because she was not accepting of his daughter that he had before he had even meet her... he said she was horrible to his child and he had to leave because of that. I being a single mother of two children myself understood this and could understand his reasoning for the separation of the union therefore I continued to speak with him and then like I said earlier within 2 months time we arranged our first meeting. We went out to eat and had wonderful conversation which was surprisingly refreshing to find that we had so much in common not just over the phone and via email we actually had wonderful chemistry in person! Three months went by and he and I became intimate for the first time... after that things where steady, communication was regular and visit where the same. After about 8 months into the courting (5 additional months after becoming sexually intimate) I noticed changes like I would speak with him only at curtain times of the day and conveniently he would quickly say before he would walk into his house "hey baby, I'm gonna call your back I'm about to walk into the house" the first few times I dismissed it as well he's on his way into the house you know to settle himself you know getting out the car after work to go in after a long day at work... when it seemed he would do this regularly, it sent a red flag to me that he never talks to me when he is home or ALWAYS gets off the line with me before he enters his house... he had told me when he separated from his spouse he was living with his mother so I did give him the benefit of the doubt thinking maybe he didn't want his mother to know just yet that he was dating while still legally married, and perhaps it was just a respectful thing to do considering his situation. But my woman intuition, along with curiosity got the better of me so I decided to call his bluff and ask him one day when he was on his way in the house just before he would say his usual line "let me call you back babe" I quickly asked "Why can't you speak with me when your going into the house" ? He said that he could and carried on the conversation as he went in to satisfy my suspensions... saying "You see, I have no problems with that" so I hesitantly left it alone... and carried on with business as usual things continued with us still seeing each other but I was noticing the visit had now become less frequent, I sometimes wouldn't hear from him after curtain times of the day until the next day when he was at work and if I called him late evenings to maybe say good night he wouldn't answer calls or texts... this carried on for roughly a month or so I then bluntly asked him one day out the blue, not having any hard proof of my question only my suspension "So when were you going to tell me you're back with your wife" he then became very silent and answered with he was going to tell me but he was afraid of loosing me and he didn't want that to happen since he was only back in the home because she was unable to afford things alone and he was just trying to help until the could workout the financial aspects of the marriage. I at this point was very upset, hurt, and I'll admit confused! I had never been with a married man, so I didn't know how to handle the situation because by this time very close to a year into it with this man I had developed feelings for him. I did what my heart told me to do which was be understanding and trusting to what he was telling me (major mistake), and continued to see him. Fast forwarding to year 2 things got hectic for me I lost my job at the large credit union I worked for, and became a full time student to re-educate myself while I pursued different career options. He attempted to be very supportive mentally and emotionally NOT financially and to his defense being as independent as I am I didn't ask... he just was more in the physical coming around to cut the grass and help me from a mental and emotional standpoint. I had savings and came into other LARGE sums of money from school and other sources, so I didn't need any help in that area at first, but he on the other hand did... he always seemed to want and need things crying that his wife was basically not doing her part with the household bills which made things difficult for him (which is another reason I didn't seem to ask for him to pay for any of our outings), he would use this as somewhat of a leverage on me saying things like "Baby I really want to see you but gas is sooo tight this week so I don't know if I can or how im going to make it all the way out there" (I live in a different city than him which is about a 25 min drive w/o traffic) so I found myself footing the bill on all occasions when it came down to us seeing one another or spending time. Falling deeper into a emotional, and financial investment with this man. Last year around this time in May he left his wife and moved in with me in my at the time brand new home... in June fathers day weekend he explained that he had planned a weekend trip to DC with the fellas, which before he left for the weekend I found out was a lie he was going out of town with some other woman(not his wife)... shocked I couldn't believe it I confronted him about it he proclaimed she was ONLY A friend he was not upfront about it because he felt that I wouldn't understand it was only platonic and other people were going as well it was everything far of a couples thing... hurt I allowed him to go on his trip after he assured me that he would call me both day and night and I was welcome to do the same... turns out when I did try to call him he became angry cussing at me and called me "A BLACK B**CH" I promise you this is something he has never said to me before carried on like a mad man saying when he came back he was leaving packing his stuff and never wanted to see me again and that he never thought he could hate anyone before until he met me... all of this because I called him.. what I did next was out of pure raw emotion and anger and outright rage.. I disposed of all his belongings he had nothing left (half of which I brought and paid for) for him when he returned, then I called his wife an made her aware that I was seeing her husband for 2 yrs and that he would now be coming back home because I was putting him out! We talked I learned a lot about this man I thought I knew ... needless to say he came back begged for my forgiveness saying that he didn't have any place to go or clothes or money and he needed a place to stay, I felt horrible so I took him back stupidly. He stayed for a week it was pure hell in my house to be with him he was rude mean and disrespectful saying I destroyed his life and he was trying to get over it... all in all we lived together for approximately 6 weeks before he told me he loved his wife and that he just wanted to go back home and be with her. I let him go peacefully. A few days seven days to be exact (june)later I began to receive horrible calls from him saying his wife had told him to come to work on things but she felt afterwards that she wasn't going to to be able to forgive him.. he blamed me said he wanted me to pay for things I had caused him to loose everything that he had and loved. I agreed to give him 700 towards the purchasing of new clothing even though I was the one that spent thousands on the clothing (and him to say the least)I still had a warm heart because of the childish way I acted by getting rid of his stuff. I gave him 300 up front. He then left me alone for a while then he started back calling in july 2010 saying he had mad a huge mistake he had hind sight love blah, blah, blah. Stupidity is my middle name obliviously because I began to see him again he at this time also told me he had left his wife (After a week of reconciliation) and was staying with a girl that he knew like him as more than a friend but that's all they are and he really didn't want to be there he had not other place to go he knew that he couldn't come back to my home... either way it was all lies found out he was sleeping with the girl and she was all in love with him after a short period of time(so he says) either way we went back and forth email text over the phone seeing each other here and there I became his crutch call on person when he was in need mentally AND for money!! Finally I want to fast forward to the present back in Dec 2010 I reconnected with a high school friend of mine whom I never dated but he always had a huge crush on me... we talked and went on a few dates...then february HE resurfaced saying he was done playing he realized now I am going to be that woman I am supposed to be with him and he wanted me back... I entertained it, I mean it was HIM right? This is what I had been waiting to hear, I should at least see what he's gonna do right my hight school friend and I weren't that serious yet (my eyes) although he's a good man and reality seems to want to have something long term with me... I had to at least see what HE was going to do right, I mean I had invested a lot in him and that relationship right? Well I once again I allowed him back into my life but this time with rules limitations... he didn't seem to mind at first for about (2 weeks) well ether way he told me that his wife was going to give him another shot!! And he didn't want to have anything else to do with me he couldn't he had to sever all ties I learned I was pregnant a few weeks later shared this with him he was livid saying he kick it out of me he couldn't let this ruin his marriage I had to get rid of it and he expedited funds for me to do so. I terminated the pregnancy and went on with my life... 3 months later he's back... me and my high school friend have become closer and he has definitely stated his intentions to one day make me his wife... I am not going to say this makes me happy because he like anyone else has his own issues no ones perfect however im not sure im equipped to deal with some of this problems he has after going through what I have for the past 3 yrs! So now he back and here's my problem it obvious something is wrong with me because I wont tell this man where he can stick it... I have somewhat an attachment to him seems like im fixated to him and can't break free. I want to because remember the girl I told you about well she is 3 months pregnant as I write this and THEY are in vegas for fathers day and he doesn't know that I KNOW ! He lied to me sayinhe was going to florida to see his daughter and just before he left he asked me for money... a small amount nevertheless I still gave it to him... I need help I just want to get away from him in my heart and in my mind. I want to telll him so bad when he returns that I know all about your trip and that baby and all the lies you've beem feeding me... but I have done all this before so what's the point he wont care. At this point I just need for someone anyone to tell me how to handle this situation where I can come out on top and tings work out best for me... I thought of changing my number can't I know have my business that I run from my cell phone all my business card and advertisements connect with this number.. he would just email if he can't get a hold of me via phone heck he might even show up at my house so somehow I know taking a bow by not saying anything wont work ... but saying the words to him doesn't even seem possible... maybe bacause I choje evey time I hear his voice I even though about send a letter but he wont read it he would just call or come. Would some please tell me how they would handle this situation, what and how you would do it! Please im going out of my mind.
TigerCub Posted June 17, 2011 Posted June 17, 2011 Hi Lost, I read your whole story, and everytime he did something so terrible to you, I thought to myself, "oh, the story should end here" but then you take him back and you allow more to happen. What I'm going to say to you now is not with the intention to hurt you - BUT...you say you have 2 children that you are raising on your own. Think of them. You are their example, you are their role model do you really want them to see and grow up to become "a black bitch" that's stupid and will take crap from a guy that will "kick the baby out of them"? or do you want them to see and grow up to become strong, independent people with a sense of self worth and self esteem? I understand that its hard to break habits and its hard to break out of emotional connections to people, but you know that this person is treating you like crap, you keep letting them do it because you don't value yourself. Maybe you can talk to a therapist about why you do it, and how you can break the habit. But for now, maybe thinking of the lessons you're teaching your kids and how you really want them to turn out (based on the examples you set) will help you stand your ground with this piece of s**t excuse for a man.
Author lostleoforlibra Posted June 17, 2011 Author Posted June 17, 2011 Thank you Tiger your absolutely right! I didn't take your reply as being mean or a way to hurt me, but quite the opposite! I do want to teach my children good habits and how to be strong and not weak... I have seen a therapist and to be honest I had to stop because I didn't feel he was very good. Its obvious I should maybe go seek out another at minimum to deal with my thoughts and overwhelming need to be involved with him. I am so mentally tired its scary. I use to love myself beyond limits its like this entire situation has brought out someone or something in me that I didn't even know was inside me... tooo giving too understanding too forgiving and what it seems even I my eyes an unwillingness unhealthy lack of desire to regain my happiness back! I think I will just ignore him and pray for strength not to say anything to him or take his calls... I been here before so I can almost tell you he will get ignorant and nasty at the fact I wont see or take his calls an say hurting things to get me to talk and I fall forn the trap by telling myself I just have got to tell him off just once ans let him know I know then it becomes a screaming match. A few months apart followed by his apology and begging for forgiveness! I just want to ask him why would u have me have an abortion and she can keep her child? Why have to tried to destroy me when I never sought out to hurt you, why are you making plans and promises to me when you clearly don't care about me now if you ever have in the first place. I know I deserve better. I just wish I didn't have to fall this low down and have crawl up out of. Its so hard. But your right my kids have been my total strength and the main reason I have submitted to my depression.
TigerCub Posted June 17, 2011 Posted June 17, 2011 Thank you Tiger your absolutely right! I didn't take your reply as being mean or a way to hurt me, but quite the opposite! I do want to teach my children good habits and how to be strong and not weak... I have seen a therapist and to be honest I had to stop because I didn't feel he was very good. Its obvious I should maybe go seek out another at minimum to deal with my thoughts and overwhelming need to be involved with him. I am so mentally tired its scary. I use to love myself beyond limits its like this entire situation has brought out someone or something in me that I didn't even know was inside me... tooo giving too understanding too forgiving and what it seems even I my eyes an unwillingness unhealthy lack of desire to regain my happiness back! I think I will just ignore him and pray for strength not to say anything to him or take his calls... I been here before so I can almost tell you he will get ignorant and nasty at the fact I wont see or take his calls an say hurting things to get me to talk and I fall forn the trap by telling myself I just have got to tell him off just once ans let him know I know then it becomes a screaming match. A few months apart followed by his apology and begging for forgiveness! I just want to ask him why would u have me have an abortion and she can keep her child? Why have to tried to destroy me when I never sought out to hurt you, why are you making plans and promises to me when you clearly don't care about me now if you ever have in the first place. I know I deserve better. I just wish I didn't have to fall this low down and have crawl up out of. Its so hard. But your right my kids have been my total strength and the main reason I have submitted to my depression. Hi Lost, I'm glad that you saw my post for what it was meant to be - encouragement to get on the right track. You say that you're too forgiving, too understand, too giving. These qualities are not bad - IF the person receiving them is deserving. Having compassion and being generous are great traits, but there's a difference between giving them to someone who will reciprocate and just plain getting used. I understand that you tried therapy but the person you went to didn't give you what you needed. I've written about therapy in some other posts before, and I really don't mean to push it on to people, but it has helped me, and that's why I try to offer it as a possible option when people are really down. I also had a therapist that didn't really meet what I needed, I just didn't get much out of our interactions, so I found another one. It worked out in the end. You want to ask him why he made you abort the baby but let the OOW keep hers - I understand your need to ask that question, but honestly, in the end it was your choice, its your body, you could have said f**k you I'm keeping it - maybe that's what she said. People can only push you so far, but we need to own our actions. Not to mean any disrespect with regards to the abortion, but its best that you don't have this loser tied to you for the rest of your life (you would have if you had his baby) - so maybe it was all for the best that you didn't. You don't know how he's treating this woman, you don't know how he's treating his wife, but if the way he's treated you is any indication - I really don't envy either one of them. You have a chance to get out, you're not married to him, you don't have his kid - you can cut your ties a lot more easily that the rest. See that as a great advantage! I don't think you should have any kind of screaming match with him- I know its hard to keep our emotions in check when we're so invested in something, but next time he calls you just tell him calmly "Please don't call here anymore, you have a wife and you have an OW, and on top of it, you've never treated me well. I put up with it, and that's my fault, but I know better and I want to be a better example to my kids. Good luck with everything, lets just end our communication here. Goodbye" if he tries to yell or sweet talk you into anything just tell him, that he's entitled to his opinion but you don't have to sit there listening to it. if he calls you again, tell him that that's harassment and to leave you alone or else you're gonna take it higher.
Author lostleoforlibra Posted June 17, 2011 Author Posted June 17, 2011 Tiger thank you SO very much for your words! That's exactly what im going to do... I don't know why but I feel so empowered right now, well forgive me I do know why its your words that have given me courage! I truly do feel encouraged and stronger just by reading them I feel like I do have the strength this time to do it and KEEP IT IN DONE mode. Thank you again...
jlola Posted June 17, 2011 Posted June 17, 2011 Look up the word psychopath. You will find your answers. These types of people cannot feel love , but imitate it well and leave destruction behind in all their relationships. They are parasites ands drain people emotionally and financially. They also prey on people with kindness and empathy since they know full well their theshold for BS is much higher than any normal person would allow. They play all their love interest against each other. This is their way of control. Good luck and RUN!!!!!!!!!!!!!
TigerCub Posted June 17, 2011 Posted June 17, 2011 Tiger thank you SO very much for your words! That's exactly what im going to do... I don't know why but I feel so empowered right now, well forgive me I do know why its your words that have given me courage! I truly do feel encouraged and stronger just by reading them I feel like I do have the strength this time to do it and KEEP IT IN DONE mode. Thank you again... Thank you Lost. I'm so glad I can help. Good luck!
Author lostleoforlibra Posted June 17, 2011 Author Posted June 17, 2011 Look up the word psychopath. You will find your answers. These types of people cannot feel love , but imitate it well and leave destruction behind in all their relationships. They are parasites ands drain people emotionally and financially. They also prey on people with kindness and empathy since they know full well their theshold for BS is much higher than any normal person would allow. They play all their love interest against each other. This is their way of control. Good luck and RUN!!!!!!!!!!!!! I hope im doing this reply right lol I'm new to this.... Hello Jlola! Im not a therapist but I'm sure your right about his characteristics and possible personality disorder. I can tell you for sure your absolutely correct about him wrecking havoc in my like darn near total destruction to my well being and back account and it seems so easy for him not matter the amount to ask and manipulate the situation of my having money and willingness to help and be so giving. I am doing to get as far away from this man if it kills me because ultimately to not get away from him will definitely be the death of me. Thanks for your advice... I am going to be sure to take it
thomasb Posted June 17, 2011 Posted June 17, 2011 Hint: most people (including myself) would read this and try to help you if you go back and put in some paragraphs. Makes my head swim!
Author lostleoforlibra Posted June 17, 2011 Author Posted June 17, 2011 Hint: most people (including myself) would read this and try to help you if you go back and put in some paragraphs. Makes my head swim! Thanks Thomasb for the tip I'm new to this.. however that's not excuse for my not using paragraphs, I am using my droid phone sorry for the headache correcting it ASAP! Thanks
Author lostleoforlibra Posted June 17, 2011 Author Posted June 17, 2011 Thanks Thomasb for the tip I'm new to this.. however that's not excuse for my not using paragraphs, I am using my droid phone sorry for the headache correcting it ASAP! Thanks Sorry I tried to edit the post, however I keep getting and error message ... I do thank you for your time and attempting to help me with my situation I.e. crisis!
TigerCub Posted June 17, 2011 Posted June 17, 2011 Sorry I tried to edit the post, however I keep getting and error message ... I do thank you for your time and attempting to help me with my situation I.e. crisis! Would you be able to highlight what you wrote in the first post (no editing required) and just ctrl+c (copy it) and just make a new response, paste it there and then add your spaces.
Author lostleoforlibra Posted June 17, 2011 Author Posted June 17, 2011 I want to first start by saying this is a long story however I want to give the entire situation in order that I may get the best advice and support. I really wish I didn't have to write so much cause I know the longer the message can tend discourage people from taking the time of reading, however please take the time because at this point I'm desperately crying out for HELP! So here goes .... Three years ago I meet online (myspace) a man I wasn't using the site a a dating mechanism just as a social forum for friends and family. The man emailed me with interests of getting to know me... I initially declined explaining that, that's not what I was on the site for... however he was very persistent, needless to say I gave in he was attractive, charming, and seemed to be a nice guy. We chated online for a few weeks, which lead to the exchanging of phone numbers. We talked over the phone for a few more weeks, then decided to meet. The topics of marriage did come up when I directly asked him if he was married or ever been married... he in turn told me indeed he had been married and technically he still is, however he and his wife were no longer together because she was not accepting of his daughter that he had before he had even meet her... he said she was horrible to his child and he had to leave because of that. I being a single mother of two children myself understood this and could understand his reasoning for the separation of the union therefore I continued to speak with him and then like I said earlier within 2 months time we arranged our first meeting. We went out to eat and had wonderful conversation which was surprisingly refreshing to find that we had so much in common not just over the phone and via email we actually had wonderful chemistry in person! Three months went by and he and I became intimate for the first time... after that things where steady, communication was regular and visit where the same. After about 8 months into the courting (5 additional months after becoming sexually intimate) I noticed changes like I would speak with him only at curtain times of the day and conveniently he would quickly say before he would walk into his house "hey baby, I'm gonna call your back I'm about to walk into the house" the first few times I dismissed it as well he's on his way into the house you know to settle himself you know getting out the car after work to go in after a long day at work... when it seemed he would do this regularly, it sent a red flag to me that he never talks to me when he is home or ALWAYS gets off the line with me before he enters his house... he had told me when he separated from his spouse he was living with his mother so I did give him the benefit of the doubt thinking maybe he didn't want his mother to know just yet that he was dating while still legally married, and perhaps it was just a respectful thing to do considering his situation. But my woman intuition, along with curiosity got the better of me so I decided to call his bluff and ask him one day when he was on his way in the house just before he would say his usual line "let me call you back babe" I quickly asked "Why can't you speak with me when your going into the house" ? He said that he could and carried on the conversation as he went in to satisfy my suspensions... saying "You see, I have no problems with that" so I hesitantly left it alone... and carried on with business as usual things continued with us still seeing each other but I was noticing the visit had now become less frequent. I sometimes wouldn't hear from him after curtain times of the day until the next day when he was at work and if I called him late evenings to maybe say good night he wouldn't answer calls or texts... this carried on for roughly a month or so I then bluntly asked him one day out the blue, not having any hard proof of my question only my suspension "So when were you going to tell me you're back with your wife" he then became very silent and answered with he was going to tell me but he was afraid of loosing me and he didn't want that to happen since he was only back in the home because she was unable to afford things alone and he was just trying to help until the could workout the financial aspects of the marriage. I at this point was very upset, hurt, and I'll admit confused! I had never been with a married man, so I didn't know how to handle the situation because by this time very close to a year into it with this man I had developed feelings for him. I did what my heart told me to do which was be understanding and trusting to what he was telling me (major mistake), and continued to see him. Fast forwarding to year 2 things got hectic for me I lost my job at the large credit union I worked for, and became a full time student to re-educate myself while I pursued different career options. He attempted to be very supportive mentally and emotionally NOT financially and to his defense being as independent as I am I didn't ask... he just was more in the physical coming around to cut the grass and help me from a mental and emotional standpoint. I had savings and came into other LARGE sums of money from school and other sources, so I didn't need any help in that area at first, but he on the other hand did... he always seemed to want and need things crying that his wife was basically not doing her part with the household bills which made things difficult for him (which is another reason I didn't seem to ask for him to pay for any of our outings), he would use this as somewhat of a leverage on me saying things like "Baby I really want to see you but gas is sooo tight this week so I don't know if I can or how im going to make it all the way out there" (I live in a different city than him which is about a 25 min drive w/o traffic) so I found myself footing the bill on all occasions when it came down to us seeing one another or spending time. Falling deeper into a emotional, and financial investment with this man. Last year around this time in May he left his wife and moved in with me in my at the time brand new home... in June fathers day weekend he explained that he had planned a weekend trip to DC with the fellas, which before he left for the weekend I found out was a lie he was going out of town with some other woman(not his wife)... shocked I couldn't believe it I confronted him about it he proclaimed she was ONLY A friend he was not upfront about it because he felt that I wouldn't understand it was only platonic and other people were going as well it was everything far of a couples thing... hurt I allowed him to go on his trip after he assured me that he would call me both day and night and I was welcome to do the same... turns out when I did try to call him he became angry cussing at me and called me "A BLACK B**CH" I promise you this is something he has never said to me before carried on like a mad man saying when he came back he was leaving packing his stuff and never wanted to see me again and that he never thought he could hate anyone before until he met me... all of this because I called him.. what I did next was out of pure raw emotion and anger and outright rage.. I disposed of all his belongings he had nothing left (half of which I brought and paid for) for him when he returned, then I called his wife an made her aware that I was seeing her husband for 2 yrs and that he would now be coming back home because I was putting him out! We talked I learned a lot about this man I thought I knew ... needless to say he came back begged for my forgiveness saying that he didn't have any place to go or clothes or money and he needed a place to stay, I felt horrible so I took him back stupidly. He stayed for a week it was pure hell in my house to be with him he was rude mean and disrespectful saying I destroyed his life and he was trying to get over it... all in all we lived together for approximately 6 weeks before he told me he loved his wife and that he just wanted to go back home and be with her. I let him go peacefully. A few days seven days to be exact (june)later I began to receive horrible calls from him saying his wife had told him to come to work on things but she felt afterwards that she wasn't going to to be able to forgive him.. he blamed me said he wanted me to pay for things I had caused him to loose everything that he had and loved. I agreed to give him 700 towards the purchasing of new clothing even though I was the one that spent thousands on the clothing (and him to say the least)I still had a warm heart because of the childish way I acted by getting rid of his stuff. I gave him 300 up front. He then left me alone for a while then he started back calling in july 2010 saying he had mad a huge mistake he had hind sight love blah, blah, blah. Stupidity is my middle name obliviously because I began to see him again he at this time also told me he had left his wife (After a week of reconciliation) and was staying with a girl that he knew like him as more than a friend but that's all they are and he really didn't want to be there he had not other place to go he knew that he couldn't come back to my home... either way it was all lies found out he was sleeping with the girl and she was all in love with him after a short period of time(so he says) either way we went back and forth email text over the phone seeing each other here and there I became his crutch call on person when he was in need mentally AND for money!! Finally I want to fast forward to the present back in Dec 2010 I reconnected with a high school friend of mine whom I never dated but he always had a huge crush on me... we talked and went on a few dates...then february HE resurfaced saying he was done playing he realized now I am going to be that woman I am supposed to be with him and he wanted me back... I entertained it, I mean it was HIM right? This is what I had been waiting to hear, I should at least see what he's gonna do right my hight school friend and I weren't that serious yet (my eyes) although he's a good man and reality seems to want to have something long term with me... I had to at least see what HE was going to do right, I mean I had invested a lot in him and that relationship right? Well I once again I allowed him back into my life but this time with rules limitations... he didn't seem to mind at first for about (2 weeks) well ether way he told me that his wife was going to give him another shot!! And he didn't want to have anything else to do with me he couldn't he had to sever all ties I learned I was pregnant a few weeks later shared this with him he was livid saying he'd kick it (the baby) out of me he couldn't let this ruin his marriage I had to get rid of it and he expedited funds for me to do so. I terminated the pregnancy and went on with my life... 3 months later he's back... me and my high school friend have become closer and he has definitely stated his intentions to one day make me his wife... I am not going to say this makes me happy because he like anyone else has his own issues no ones perfect however im not sure im equipped to deal with some of this problems he has after going through what I have for the past 3 yrs! So now he's back and here's my problem it obvious something is wrong with me because I wont tell this man where he can stick it... I have somewhat an attachment to him seems like im fixated to him and can't break free. I want to because remember the girl I told you about well she is 3 months pregnant as I write this and THEY are in vegas for fathers day and he doesn't know that I KNOW ! He lied to me sayinhe was going to florida to see his daughter and just before he left he asked me for money... a small amount nevertheless I still gave it to him... I need help I just want to get away from him in my heart and in my mind. I want to telll him so bad when he returns that I know all about your trip and that baby and all the lies you've beem feeding me... but I have done all this before so what's the point he wont care. At this point I just need for someone anyone to tell me how to handle this situation where I can come out on top and tings work out best for me... I thought of changing my number but can't I now have my business that I run from my cell phone all my business cards and advertisements connect with this number.. he would just email if he can't get a hold of me via phone heck he might even show up at my house so somehow I know taking a bow by not saying anything wont work ... but saying the words to him doesn't even seem possible... maybe bacause I choke evey time I hear his voice I even though about send a letter but he wont read it he would just call or come. Would some please tell me how they would handle this situation, what and how you would do it! Please im going out of my mind.
Author lostleoforlibra Posted June 17, 2011 Author Posted June 17, 2011 Would you be able to highlight what you wrote in the first post (no editing required) and just ctrl+c (copy it) and just make a new response, paste it there and then add your spaces. Thanks again tiger what a great suggestion... yet again you came through I did what you suggested ... hopefully that's a little better on readers eyes
Mimolicious Posted June 17, 2011 Posted June 17, 2011 Hint: most people (including myself) would read this and try to help you if you go back and put in some paragraphs. Makes my head swim! Yeah that was painful! YIKES! My head is spinning... and honestly, all the "he's back, he's gone, he's back, he's gone" gets to even the reader. STOP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SERIOUSLY STOP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It is unreal that someone will really let another person use them like this. GROW SOME SPINE AND STOP PAYING ATTENTION TO HIS NONSENSE!!!!!!!!! Apply your free time to toehr things. This dude is a blood sucker, toxic and no bueno!
Author lostleoforlibra Posted June 17, 2011 Author Posted June 17, 2011 Yeah that was painful! YIKES! My head is spinning... and honestly, all the "he's back, he's gone, he's back, he's gone" gets to even the reader. STOP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SERIOUSLY STOP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It is unreal that someone will really let another person use them like this. GROW SOME SPINE AND STOP PAYING ATTENTION TO HIS NONSENSE!!!!!!!!! Apply your free time to toehr things. This dude is a blood sucker, toxic and no bueno! I'm so sorry again for the eye sore... and yeah you too are right I honestly can't believe myself that I put up with what I put with amazing that after I read my own post back to myself I was even floored by the truth as I read it back to myself. I totally hadn't looked back from the beginning and looked over all the entire situation from beginning to end! Its sad if I must say so mysel! I am honestly afraid of him calling when he gets back from his hiatus in Las Vegas some time next week because I know that spine you speak of will have to be grown up by then lol. I am also made that I put myself and inadvertently cause my children grief indirectly of course. Your are also right he is definitely toxic, poison,a blood sucking no bueno person to say the least! I just hope the feelings I have now will continue to stay strong to get done what has to be done! Trying not to think of past backs slidings and tell myself I can do this!
fooled once Posted June 18, 2011 Posted June 18, 2011 I don't think anyone here can help you because you refuse to help yourself. I am stunned that you keep giving this loser money. He treats you like crap, steps all over you and you keep accepting him back and giving him MONEY. He has fed you so many lies and you KNOW THAT and you STILL allow him around your children and give him money. Honestly, you better be careful or the father(s) of your kids may decide that you can't raise them because of all the chaos this loser brings into your life. This is so not good for your kids. If you won't stop answering his calls, his emails or not allowing him to your house for YOU - do it for your KIDS!!!! You do have control, but you refuse to stop letting this man treat you like crap. What is not fair is that your kids are being subjected to this.
Author lostleoforlibra Posted June 18, 2011 Author Posted June 18, 2011 wow! this is ssuch a sad story. it sounds like you have an awful lot of love to give someone, please don't waste it on a guy like him. He sound very much like the lady i know. She and her husbad are friends of mine, but she can be horrible to him. she has been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, and , from what I understad, someone like that can be almost the worst relationship partner immaginable. She goes from loving him intensely, using all kinds of flowery language to tell him how much she loves him, doing may nice things for him, and then once she has him feeling secrure in their relationship, she swings around to hating him, screaming at him, saying she wants a divorce, being violent with him, calling him every bad name in the book to all his and her friends, she threates suicide etc. Just when he has made his mind up to leave, all of a sudden, she loves him again, and can't live without him. The cycle starts all over again, and goes on endlessly. She can be the nicest, most charming person in the world, or she can be the meanest, cruelest *itch of a person you ever met. It's like she has some kind of 'emotional hole' inside her that no one can ever fill, no matter how hard they try, and she's bent on making ayone who does try as off balance as she is herself. While i kow she really can't help how she acts, it is abusive to him. and it sounds like the same thing is happeing to you. you can't help him you can't 'fix' him, you may love him, but for your own sake, and the sake of your childre, please let him go. You deserve to have someone wonderful to give all your love, kindness , paitience and gentleness to. Don't waste yourself on someone who isn't right for you. Hello frozen thanks for your words it really does mean a lot! I agree with you this total situation has really been the most saddest points of my entire 33 years of life! BUT one thing that proves to be consistent with me is I am a survivor and I will survive this too! One thing I would like to add is I am very grateful that I was able to find this forum! I have learned a lot and gain a tremendous amount of strength, and courage from all of the advice that you guys have given tough words and all it had to be said I needed to hear this I welcome all advice those bluntly put and those not so blunt! THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH!!! I have not spoken or text with him sincee Thursday of course he is in Las Vegas(of course he doesn't know I am aware of this) also with the girl that I'm not suppose to know is pregnant by him, I am suppose to believe he is in FL visiting his daughter, and as usual I don't bother him when he has his time with her... it will spark some concern within him im sure when he doesn't get a happy fathers day call or text from me... perhaps this is a good thing, cause when he returns that may make him take a few extre days before contacting me which works to my benefit because the more days that go by w/o contact from him, and reading the responses I get from you all make me more stronger and determined to RUN and STAY far away from him and his crap! Thanks again!
Ellin Posted June 18, 2011 Posted June 18, 2011 Hi Lost, I read your whole story, and everytime he did something so terrible to you, I thought to myself, "oh, the story should end here" . Me too! I lost the count of times I thought the exact same thing during reading this story. I kept thinking 'NOW must be the moment she said enough is enough' but Lost, you kept taking him back! Cut your losses NOW before you lose EVEN MORE time, money and your mental health, because this man is a COMPLETE MESS and he will remain that way and never offer you any remotely decent treatment. You sound like an absolutely lovely girl, who has only one problem - takes WAAAAY too much c**p from men, or at least this man. He is the one that everything is wrong with but you have been ALLOWING him to do these things to you. You really need to remove him from your life completely and then put a real effort into finding out why you've kept allowing this. Get into therapy, talk to someone - do something to help yourself because this R has been very destructive for you and looking from the other side - you have been self-destructing and IMO there must be something in you that you don't realise consciously, but it makes you believe that you don't deserve better. As I said - you sound like an amazing person and you deserve SO MUCH BETTER so please put this unfortunate story completely behind you and find some emotional help and support. All the best.
Author lostleoforlibra Posted June 18, 2011 Author Posted June 18, 2011 I don't think anyone here can help you because you refuse to help yourself. I am stunned that you keep giving this loser money. He treats you like crap, steps all over you and you keep accepting him back and giving him MONEY. He has fed you so many lies and you KNOW THAT and you STILL allow him around your children and give him money. Honestly, you better be careful or the father(s) of your kids may decide that you can't raise them because of all the chaos this loser brings into your life. This is so not good for your kids. If you won't stop answering his calls, his emails or not allowing him to your house for YOU - do it for your KIDS!!!! You do have control, but you refuse to stop letting this man treat you like crap. What is not fair is that your kids are being subjected to this. Fooledonce thanks for your advice a agree with you... my kids do and should always come first and they always have and always will. I wont say that this situation as not taken me off my mark a bit but it has never once affected my mothering, and nurturing my children. I allowed this man in I will get him out for ME and that will in turn be what's best for my FAMILY! Your comments and all the other comments from the folks here at LS have helped me, let's just say they have been the lit match, to a burn out candle(me).... but NOW I'm pretty much fired up, and burning! And trust me I'm ready to go! thank you again you've been a great help
Author lostleoforlibra Posted June 18, 2011 Author Posted June 18, 2011 Me too! I lost the count of times I thought the exact same thing during reading this story. I kept thinking 'NOW must be the moment she said enough is enough' but Lost, you kept taking him back! Cut your losses NOW before you lose EVEN MORE time, money and your mental health, because this man is a COMPLETE MESS and he will remain that way and never offer you any remotely decent treatment. You sound like an absolutely lovely girl, who has only one problem - takes WAAAAY too much c**p from men, or at least this man. He is the one that everything is wrong with but you have been ALLOWING him to do these things to you. You really need to remove him from your life completely and then put a real effort into finding out why you've kept allowing this. Get into therapy, talk to someone - do something to help yourself because this R has been very destructive for you and looking from the other side - you have been self-destructing and IMO there must be something in you that you don't realise consciously, but it makes you believe that you don't deserve better. As I said - you sound like an amazing person and you deserve SO MUCH BETTER so please put this unfortunate story completely behind you and find some emotional help and support. All the best. Hello Ellin! Thanks so much for your time to read my story, and commenting with TRUTHFUL words of encouragements. I too know that after I lost my job I was thrown for a loop I really do belive that, that's when I was at my most vulnerable point when he was able to appear to be more than he really was, if you know what I mean! You see I have ALWAYS worked and taken care of myself, and then my children when they were gifted to me! I wont say this was the only reason I allowed this to continue for happen, but I do feel that had a lot to do with it. Maybe for some reason it was cause I was made to feel needed... I wanted to help and love him, but the task became to overwhelming because he is a total parasite and I mean that literally!! Hey thanks again, I'm just focusing on staying strong, me, and my kids not necessarily in any specific order all at the same time
crazy love Posted June 18, 2011 Posted June 18, 2011 LostForLibra.... Please please please. Re read your story to yourself and pretend it is one of your children or loved ones who is in this relationship rather than yourself. U need to run far far away from the person. He needs some serious work on himself. U in the meantime have 2 little people to raise which it seema your doing very well in providing for them and this other person. I really hope that u get urself out of this situation and fullfill your own happiness. There is nothing positive in this relationship for you OR your precious children. I wish u the best.
Loni Posted June 18, 2011 Posted June 18, 2011 First of all I am impressed you can type all that out on a cell phone. I really think you need to seek professional help (said with kindness). You know the answer to your problem. I do have one question though. What is the racial background of this bastard?
jsb58 Posted June 18, 2011 Posted June 18, 2011 What is the racial background of this bastard? WTH? What difference does race make? Are you unaware that cheating bastards (YOUR word) come in all colors? Wow.
Author lostleoforlibra Posted June 18, 2011 Author Posted June 18, 2011 LostForLibra.... Please please please. Re read your story to yourself and pretend it is one of your children or loved ones who is in this relationship rather than yourself. U need to run far far away from the person. He needs some serious work on himself. U in the meantime have 2 little people to raise which it seema your doing very well in providing for them and this other person. I really hope that u get urself out of this situation and fullfill your own happiness. There is nothing positive in this relationship for you OR your precious children. I wish u the best. Hello clove , thank you so for reading my story and giving your advice... its appreciated and I do mean that. And your absolutely right I did read the entire story scenario back to myself and it was very hurting to say the the least to see it actually all wrote out however I hadn't put one of my kids in my place... hadn't even thought of it to be honest the pain I felt for myself after reading it I couldn't even conceive to begin to put either one of my children in my place or anyone going through what I have gone through in this situation... it as truly been devastating! I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy (not even him) im just not that type oof person seriously. I am so desperately seeking closure this chapter of my life... I know its time which is why I reached out on this site because im totally at the end of my rope! I am grateful to have my babies they are what keep me somewhat mentally stable .... Thanks for all your kind words again.
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