"You aren't my physical type"

[WhisperinnWinds]

On the one hand, I hate posting because I know some people don't understand the gravity of ending a three-year live-in relationship, so the comments are often: "Just move on" or "let it go" or something of the like. And even while I know many of his behaviors toward me were very cruel - even if some of them ended a year or two go - the effects still linger.

 

Really, I don't think he is a bad person - he has many positive traits. Unfortunately, a boyfriend failing to comment on your appearance more than once or so a week (if even that - I think I mentioned it could be weeks or months at times), talking favorably about an ex's body or any other woman's body knowing how insecure you are about your own shape in his eyes, joking about sleeping with other women, and finally just dropping the bomb that your body hasn't been up to par from the get-go is like...it's hard to explain. On the one hand I think I feel sort of shell-shocked; even though all of the signs were there, it still detonated and I was still wondering what had happened.

 

I told him after his initial comment that sex would forevermore be in the dark without any touching. His response? "Not forever. I want to touch you." As though I should just bounce back from being told he doesn't like my body? How could I ever get naked in front of him again? I would feel so insecure and uncomfortable the entire time.

 

Someone earlier in the thread pointed out an interesting scenario: What would happen if I ever got pregnant? After I had the baby? Heck, what if I DO lose all of the weight and like others suggested - I still have excess body fat or excess skin? Is he then going to complain that excess skin is a negative feature and unattractive? You can't just get so overweight, lose the weight and bounce into supermodel shape. The stretch marks are here to stay. Point being - will it ever be good enough for him?

 

Once I got down to a reasonable weight, I think I'd be afraid for the rest of our relationship about gaining 20 or 30 pounds again. I'd forevermore be a mess, trying to get his reassurance that he likes my body every time I gained any somewhat significant amount of weight. Every time the sex tapered off, I'd wonder if it was for that reason again.

 

That's the worst part - our sex life was always shaky and he always had an excuse for it. I was a virgin when we first started dating - but for about a year he never tried to get into bed with me until I initiated it. At first he seemed to use the 'you were a virgin, I didn't want to rush you' line. But at all? No effort at all toward that goal? Then sometimes it was once or twice a month. Then it was because of the issues we had with his ex (that HE brought into the relationship). Then it was because I wasn't on birth control. There were SO many excuses.

 

But every time I asked if it was because he didn't like my body or because he didn't find me physically attractive. He insisted that wasn't the case. When we moved in together, sex picked up a little bit but he was mostly interested in quickies maybe one to three times a week before he went to work. It was never passionate - it was release only.

 

He was always incredibly selfish in bed, and once he was finished he was done. I had to keep insisting that he try - when he tried, he was amazing. But...he never really tried. It lends even more authority to the "He didn't find you physically attractive" bit. If he had, maybe he would have made more effort.

 

I feel much better since I left. I am dreading having the 'you know what...' conversation with him. He called me this morning but didn't leave a Voicemail. I'm not in the frame of mind to talk to him. Some of our friends (more mine than his) have intervened and tried to emphasize that it's my lack of self-confidence and self-esteem playing into this.

 

It's true that if I felt crappy about myself and he thought I was the hottest woman in the world, it wouldn't matter because I'd find a way to discount it. But he's confessed that the body's a no-go for him. Even if I felt GREAT about him, I think anyone in my position would be hurt. Am I overreacting?

 

Is it possible to dislike someone's body but still find them physically attractive? I don't quite understand how that works, as your body is all of you. I'm not sure if I could be happy in a "but your face is so pretty" type of situation like this, if that's even how he feels. Who knows at this rate. Maybe that would be the next bomb he'd like to drop. Yet despite all of this, the guy insists he loves me, he'd never want to be without me, he wants to marry me, etc. Emphasizes that I'm the only one for him, all of that sappy crap.

 

Is it unrealistic to expect a partner to love or at least accept ALL of you - without making comment about the parts that they DON'T like (physically, anyway). I could understand if I gained a drastic amount of weight, but this is who I was from the start. My body has not changed, really. I really wish now that three years ago he had just said, "Your body's not my type. I'm sorry." If anyone should be upset, it should be me - his body did change! But I was physically attracted no matter what. To every feature he had.

 

I get that physical attraction in a relationship shouldn't be #1, but there should be physical attraction. It's not the reason you stay with the person, but it's what attracts you and it helps to keep the fire going. I guess it's more the central part of the pyramid rather than the top - but without that center part, the top collapses. Some people can live without the physical aspect, but it's already eating me up that we don't have it.

 

That aside, I do have a bigger frame. One of his exes was a tall but very thin girl - maybe 5'7", 120 lbs. tops. I am never going to have that kind of body! Even the thin women in my family have a heavier, more athletic build - but waist circumferences under (is it 35 inches for women? I think so) and no visible extra fat. I'm 5'8" - several of my doctors have recommended an ideal weight between 160 and 185, given my current measurements. Even if I tried my best, I would never be able to reach his ideal shape without looking emaciated.

 

Forgive me for rambling out loud...(well...not out loud I guess). I'm just trying to rationalize all of this and realize that I could never meet the goals he probably wants me to meet.

[Enchanted Girl]

On the one hand, I hate posting because I know some people don't understand the gravity of ending a three-year live-in relationship, so the comments are often: "Just move on" or "let it go" or something of the like. And even while I know many of his behaviors toward me were very cruel - even if some of them ended a year or two go - the effects still linger.

 

Really, I don't think he is a bad person - he has many positive traits. Unfortunately, a boyfriend failing to comment on your appearance more than once or so a week (if even that - I think I mentioned it could be weeks or months at times), talking favorably about an ex's body or any other woman's body knowing how insecure you are about your own shape in his eyes, joking about sleeping with other women, and finally just dropping the bomb that your body hasn't been up to par from the get-go is like...it's hard to explain. On the one hand I think I feel sort of shell-shocked; even though all of the signs were there, it still detonated and I was still wondering what had happened.

 

I told him after his initial comment that sex would forevermore be in the dark without any touching. His response? "Not forever. I want to touch you." As though I should just bounce back from being told he doesn't like my body? How could I ever get naked in front of him again? I would feel so insecure and uncomfortable the entire time.

 

Someone earlier in the thread pointed out an interesting scenario: What would happen if I ever got pregnant? After I had the baby? Heck, what if I DO lose all of the weight and like others suggested - I still have excess body fat or excess skin? Is he then going to complain that excess skin is a negative feature and unattractive? You can't just get so overweight, lose the weight and bounce into supermodel shape. The stretch marks are here to stay. Point being - will it ever be good enough for him?

 

Once I got down to a reasonable weight, I think I'd be afraid for the rest of our relationship about gaining 20 or 30 pounds again. I'd forevermore be a mess, trying to get his reassurance that he likes my body every time I gained any somewhat significant amount of weight. Every time the sex tapered off, I'd wonder if it was for that reason again.

 

That's the worst part - our sex life was always shaky and he always had an excuse for it. I was a virgin when we first started dating - but for about a year he never tried to get into bed with me until I initiated it. At first he seemed to use the 'you were a virgin, I didn't want to rush you' line. But at all? No effort at all toward that goal? Then sometimes it was once or twice a month. Then it was because of the issues we had with his ex (that HE brought into the relationship). Then it was because I wasn't on birth control. There were SO many excuses.

 

But every time I asked if it was because he didn't like my body or because he didn't find me physically attractive. He insisted that wasn't the case. When we moved in together, sex picked up a little bit but he was mostly interested in quickies maybe one to three times a week before he went to work. It was never passionate - it was release only.

 

He was always incredibly selfish in bed, and once he was finished he was done. I had to keep insisting that he try - when he tried, he was amazing. But...he never really tried. It lends even more authority to the "He didn't find you physically attractive" bit. If he had, maybe he would have made more effort.

 

I feel much better since I left. I am dreading having the 'you know what...' conversation with him. He called me this morning but didn't leave a Voicemail. I'm not in the frame of mind to talk to him. Some of our friends (more mine than his) have intervened and tried to emphasize that it's my lack of self-confidence and self-esteem playing into this.

 

It's true that if I felt crappy about myself and he thought I was the hottest woman in the world, it wouldn't matter because I'd find a way to discount it. But he's confessed that the body's a no-go for him. Even if I felt GREAT about him, I think anyone in my position would be hurt. Am I overreacting?

 

Is it possible to dislike someone's body but still find them physically attractive? I don't quite understand how that works, as your body is all of you. I'm not sure if I could be happy in a "but your face is so pretty" type of situation like this, if that's even how he feels. Who knows at this rate. Maybe that would be the next bomb he'd like to drop. Yet despite all of this, the guy insists he loves me, he'd never want to be without me, he wants to marry me, etc. Emphasizes that I'm the only one for him, all of that sappy crap.

 

Is it unrealistic to expect a partner to love or at least accept ALL of you - without making comment about the parts that they DON'T like (physically, anyway). I could understand if I gained a drastic amount of weight, but this is who I was from the start. My body has not changed, really. I really wish now that three years ago he had just said, "Your body's not my type. I'm sorry." If anyone should be upset, it should be me - his body did change! But I was physically attracted no matter what. To every feature he had.

 

I get that physical attraction in a relationship shouldn't be #1, but there should be physical attraction. It's not the reason you stay with the person, but it's what attracts you and it helps to keep the fire going. I guess it's more the central part of the pyramid rather than the top - but without that center part, the top collapses. Some people can live without the physical aspect, but it's already eating me up that we don't have it.

 

That aside, I do have a bigger frame. One of his exes was a tall but very thin girl - maybe 5'7", 120 lbs. tops. I am never going to have that kind of body! Even the thin women in my family have a heavier, more athletic build - but waist circumferences under (is it 35 inches for women? I think so) and no visible extra fat. I'm 5'8" - several of my doctors have recommended an ideal weight between 160 and 185, given my current measurements. Even if I tried my best, I would never be able to reach his ideal shape without looking emaciated.

 

Forgive me for rambling out loud...(well...not out loud I guess). I'm just trying to rationalize all of this and realize that I could never meet the goals he probably wants me to meet.

 

I can understand the impact. I was in a 5 year long relationship that ended last year, although he was the one that broke-up with me, not the reverse.

 

And I wish I had been as strong as you and ended it myself. No, I've never been bugged about my weight in a relationship, even though I gained 50 lbs. while dating him (no joke! I'm not proud of it.) Which is why I know his attitude is bull**** . . . But I do know emotional abuse because he was emotionally abusive to me . . . .

 

Calling me every swear word he knew, withholding love from me if I didn't perform certain sexual acts or behave exactly how he wanted me to, telling me he'd leave me when I started sobbing uncontrollably unless I stopped and held it in (which would lead to me hurting myself later), he constantly patronized me, made me get on my hands and knees to beg for forgiveness and would still not forgive me, calling me his bitch and rewarding me if I literally behaved like a dog in front of him and his friends (to the point where one of HIS friends was so offended by it that they almost got into a fist fight), telling his friends I was his possession and me agreeing with him, threatening my friends and telling me not to talk to them anymore, so on and so forth. So much stuff that he did to me and he used a lot of my insecurities to get me to do some mean things to myself.

 

And it just wasn't worth it. I thought I couldn't live without him and it was very hard to be without him. I was suicidal at first, but in the end, I'm glad he dumped me because he was destroying me. Literally, my friends said that it was going so far that my appearance was getting uglier and uglier. I was talking to them less and less. I couldn't take care of myself or handle anything.

 

Now I'm with a nice guy (they are out there!), I haven't lost the 50 lbs. I gained when I was in my relationship with my ex, but he still thinks I'm beautiful. People say that I look alive and much more pretty. Some people that I hadn't seen since I was with my ex didn't recognize me at first.

 

You did the right thing and I know its hard, but its worth it in the end.

 

You're not overreacting. Your friends are being *******s who obviously don't value you like they should either. Or they wouldn't want you to put up with this crap anymore.

 

He compared you to his ex, didn't he? I bet while he while he was dating her, he was nitpicking at her body as well. I told you the story I told you for a reason because guys like this can be dating a woman that every man in the room thinks is hot and still be unappreciative about her body anyway.

 

He's a selfish person. That's why you never got pleasure sexually. I wasn't used to that either. Sex was a CHORE with my ex. Because it was basically him asking me to do a bunch of weird, kinky crap that I didn't enjoy so he could feel pleasure. I told him that I never orgasmed with him before and while most guys would have their pride hurt, he just simply said,"That's because its impossible to make a woman orgasm and I don't even want to try." I begged him to try and he said no.

 

He also used to regularly, physically harm me during sex. He was the first man I was ever with as well and it wasn't until I was with my current boyfriend that I found out that being groped and having sex isn't supposed to be painful. I thought my body was overly sensitive and that's why it hurt. It was always extremely painful with him, to the point where I was gritting my teeth and wincing and sometimes feeling like I was being suffocated. I told him to be gentler, but he never would be. He'd bite me and give me bruises from squeezing my body too hard and I'd bleed down there because he was too rough.

 

I always had sex with him when he asked as well. Once, I made him wait twenty minutes and he punished me emotionally for the next week for it, saying I was the worst girlfriend in the world for making him wait twenty minutes.

 

Now I'm with my current boyfriend who holds out until I finish, experiments with different positions and asks me if it feels good, his touches excite me and I often orgasm. Not every single time, but most of the time actually. He's very attentive. And one night when I had a very bad day and was just too depressed and exhausted to have sex and he approached me and I said,"Please don't make me tonight." He said,"Fine." I said,"Are you mad?" And he said,"No, I'm just lucky that you ever let me put my penis in you at all."

 

Guys like your ex and mine act entitled. They deserve the hottest girl, the best orgasm, whatever, and they don't have to earn it or work at making the other person happy, but they're *******s.

 

With partners who are your first with things, you get this idea that horrible things they do are actually normal. They aren't.

[Wolf18]

Just lose the damn weight OP. Think about other people with undesirable features that can't be reversed who go through the same or worse as you and have no hope of changing what makes them unattractive to the opposite sex.

 

The ideal man for women in America is 6'2 and muscular. I am 5'7. Now, if tomorrow I grew 5 inches i would get a lot more attention from women, my sex life would be "rekindled" and all the other perks, but there is no physical way for me to do that. Stop whining about it, it's life and nobody has to be forced to be attracted to you no matter what you look like. Be grateful that you can actually do something about it.

[Wolf18]

I actually don't like how big companies like Dove try to win over the ever growing fat female demographic as loyal consumers with their bogus campaign about "accepting" your body even if it is not only unaesthetic but also completely unhealthy. There are some people who I would do this for, girls with disabilities or other physical problems that are completely out of their hands, but it's not about raising self esteem, it's about trying to sell you crap by telling you things you are doing wrong are actually right.

 

Food in places like America has turned into a vice. Yes it's true people with overweight parents have more chips stacked against them when trying to control their weight, but the same is true with people who have parents that smoke, or are alcoholics, or drug addicts. But nobody makes excuses for the latter. Of course big corporations that make junk food are to blame as well, for making their foods artificially very addictive and restaurants that only have huge portions as an option, but the will is capable of overcoming these things in my opinion.

[heartshaped]

I ended a three year relationship that had turned into an engagement. I more than understand the gravity of the situation, but you shouldn't have to settle for anyone and he shouldn't have to settle either. My ex-fiance was a good person by anyone's standards, but at the end of the day, he and I were just not compatible. My appearance was just one of the many reasons I finally left him.

 

I'm not supermodel thin, but I'm not overweight by anyone's standards [the doctor's, other men, etc.]. If I had to put myself in a category I'd say I'm average build and fairly attractive. But he was desperately attracted to and wanted me to be, pencil thin. I was always afraid of gaining a pound or two and him being able to notice. I was constantly afraid he was going to leave me for a woman that was a size 0 when everyone I knew wondered why I was with him and I was constantly hit on by other men.

 

I have never been so relieved to be so free of a relationship in my life. Yes, at first, I was devastated because it was a three year relationship and I was going to marry him, but after that wore off and I came to my senses I was overjoyed that things were over and I no longer had to try to be good enough for someone I was never good enough for. He actually tried to reconcile with me months later [playing up the whole I've changed act] and I told him no and that I wished him the best, but to never contact me again.

 

I am now with a man that loves me for me not the size of my waist or my pretty smile or any other superficial aspect of my appearance that is warranted to change on any given day. I have never been happier and sometimes I wonder why I spent so much time with someone that I was never really happy with. Then I realized it was because I was afraid. Afraid to end a three year relationship that was going into a marriage, afraid of what people would say and think, afraid to be by myself, afraid that I would never find anyone else, afraid, afraid, afraid. All for nothing.

[WhisperinnWinds]

I actually don't like how big companies like Dove try to win over the ever growing fat female demographic as loyal consumers with their bogus campaign about "accepting" your body even if it is not only unaesthetic but also completely unhealthy. There are some people who I would do this for, girls with disabilities or other physical problems that are completely out of their hands, but it's not about raising self esteem, it's about trying to sell you crap by telling you things you are doing wrong are actually right.

 

Food in places like America has turned into a vice. Yes it's true people with overweight parents have more chips stacked against them when trying to control their weight, but the same is true with people who have parents that smoke, or are alcoholics, or drug addicts. But nobody makes excuses for the latter. Of course big corporations that make junk food are to blame as well, for making their foods artificially very addictive and restaurants that only have huge portions as an option, but the will is capable of overcoming these things in my opinion.

 

The issue isn't about me not wanting to lose weight - if you'd read the opening post, I mentioned that I've already lost 20 pounds and I'm continuing to lose weight. I am the same size I was throughout our entire relationship, down to when we first met. I *never* changed.

 

You don't date someone, dance around how you feel about them physically, then drop the bomb three years later. THAT is the issue. I'm not angry that he doesn't find me attractive - he has that right. He doesn't have the right to lie for me for years through a relationship.

[derz.o.o]

i agree with kooki, you don't need to be skinny or to have a supermodel body to be beautiful. Everyone is beautiful in their own way but it seems like your perception of being beautiful/ attractive is largely influenced by statistics and a boyfriend who does not appreciate you for who you are. the truth is if a guy can't stop constantly criticizing your appearance/ your body shape turning yourself into one of the Victoria's Secret version of you will not keep him shut up.

[Sivok]

Attraction isn't static. Emotions fade over time and people try to make that loss up in other areas. It's clear what his strategy was. He isn't emotionally mature, you deserve better. The only way I would condone asking my gf to try and better herself would be if I myself completely changed my lifestyle around and got in perfect shape - which in case means my day to day life is no longer the same and becomes a comparability issue if she doesn't change.

[Ms. Joolie]

I don't know that you should tell yourself the relationship was a lie. Something worked for you these 3 years. There was something you held onto in this relationship that you wanted the whole time, and you didn't let go. Hopefully it was something positive like the companionship or the friends you had together.

 

Even if you see the relationship as a negative experience, there are important lessons for you to learn from it and take with you in your life. This relationship was not a lie, quite the opposite. It was a very real experience in your life to help you grow as a person and be more fulfilled.

 

You were in this relationship - which worked or didn't work for you - and now you are coming to a realization and seeing things for yourself and your life.