"You aren't my physical type"

[somedude81]

Part of me almost feels like this relationship is a lie - that he settled with me at the time because I was the best that he could get. And I know deep-down that I'm upset because men have never really checked me out.

I'm sorry, but I was thinking the same thing. And then when you mentioned that your BF is only 5'6 and overweight at 170, it basically confirmed it to me.

 

I am 5'6 at a healthy weight, so I know the extreme difficulty in getting anybody to date me. Women are much more shallow then men, so both he and I have been passed over by many women just because of our height.

 

The only girl I have ever "dated" was significantly heavier than me. I was not attracted to her at all, but I was so desperate for female companionship, I let her come on to me. So we fooled around for two weeks, and almost had sex. A few days later I said some private things to a female coworker and the other girl found out and "broke up" with me.

 

I was hurt at the time, but now when I look back I feel that I really dodged a bullet. The only reason I liked her was because she was the only girl who actually acknowledged me. Back then I was 23 and dieing to know what it's like to kiss a girl, have sex with her and actually have a girlfriend. If she didn't end it with me, we may have dated for much longer and the whole thing would have felt fake. I had a huge problem with her weight, but had a beggars can't be choosers mentality. Obviously that is very poor grounds for a relationship.

 

Since then I've vowed to never date a girl I was not attracted to. And now seven years later, she's still the one and only girl I've ever kissed. Sigh

[WhisperinnWinds]

I remember slouching when I first met him (I'm about 2 inches taller) so he wouldn't be turned off by my height. Honestly, it never bothered me. Not the height, not the birthmark, not the weight - although I know that they are sensitive points for him. I love and feel attracted to him no matter his insecurities.

 

I am seriously rethinking the relationship and deciding my next course of action. I have already lined up another place to live.

[OliveOyl]

Is there anything else right now about your appearance outside of your weight - your hair, makeup, clothing, lingerie, manicure, pedicure, posture... that you can focus on now, perhaps get a new hairstyle, to make yourself feel more confident and feel more sexy?

 

I understand weight is the main issue but you are working on that and you will eventually get where you want to be. In the meantime, building up your self-confidence is important. You can still be very attractive while being overweight. There's a lot about the way someone carries oneself that makes a huge difference. Maybe looking at some plus-size models who you DO think are attractive (not just any plus-size models, but ones that you think look good) would be inspiring.

[WhisperinnWinds]

Thank you. I've recently dyed my hair (I'm naturally blonde but wanted a lighter shade - looks more natural on me) and gotten some teeth whitening stuff. I am making improvements elsewhere.

[thatone]

Part of me almost feels like this relationship is a lie - that he settled with me at the time because I was the best that he could get. And I know deep-down that I'm upset because men have never really checked me out. They progressively check me out more and more as I lose weight, but that's all. I always feel like second best.

 

well, he does feel like he settled. he may have been thinking it all the time. the flying off the handle when you eat certain things is a dead giveaway for that.

 

 

 

It doesn't help that the more I lost weight, the more it feels like there's a sexual spark rekindled. I almost find losing all of the weight terrifying now - is he suddenly going to be all over me? Are other people? It may seem a stupid reason to worry about losing weight, but it's a valid one. Even if I know it's the truth - that people aren't attracted to me as I am now - it's one thing to be pretty sure about it and another to directly know it because suddenly people pay attention to you when you're thinner.

 

doesn't help why? if you want to lose the weight, for this reason, why be upset when you get the results you're after? you have a confidence problem, not just a weight problem. and i can sympathize, i've let myself get 40-50 pounds too heavy at varying times in my adult life, not really due to compensating for emotional issues with food, just due to laziness/convenience really. when you come home tired from work it's easy to just grab a burger and fries on the way, rather than cook something better. but if you retreat to food when unhappy that's a whole other problem.

 

Has anyone else dealt with this issue - not feeling attractive to your partner? For the record, we have had a shaky sex-life from the start. It only started to improve when we moved in together and I started birth control, although it's still not quite frequent or good.

 

dealing with it now. as another poster mentioned, i'm not the type to walk out on someone i'm not physically attracted to if it's a blind date or internet date. so i met an online date recently and wound up in the same situation as you. she showed up about 40 pounds heavier than her pics suggested (it wasn't a "head/shoulders pic" dupe, she had full body pics on her profile, just not accurate). i went on with the first date anyway. turns out intellectually we're a spot on match, we get each other's jokes, we have the same opinions about life, work, politics, religion, etc, we have similar schedules.

 

i told her exactly what i thought after that first date. i'm not physically attracted. i was attracted looking at the pics, but not 40 pounds later. and i wasn't one sided with it, i can afford to lose about 20-30 pounds myself, but admittedly men can usually wear a little extra weight easier than women do, because of clothing. as long as my shoulders are broader than my waist a tailor can do wonders, and when you add a suit jacket on top of a shirt with thick fabric it's difficult to tell what a man really looks like under all that, we have that luxury with our socially acceptable clothing. being naturally fair skinned and prone to sunburn, in addition to just being a city person rather than a country person, i don't really have to worry about the beach, since i don't do those things anyway. i'm blatantly honest about the fact that "i'm not going to spend my weekends on the beach with you" when dating anyway, just because i don't enjoy it. i look for city people that match my interests.

 

so anyway i basically offered her the idea of being friends for a few months, we can be diet/exercise partners, and we'll both be better off even if we never wind up more than that. she agreed and actually went a step further, she said she had been thinking the same thing about herself but needed a goal to work toward to keep motivated, and suggested that we plan a trip together for later in the year as a sort of deadline (and, i'm sure, to gauge my interest to see if i was really honest about what i was telling her or not). i agreed to that, so we basically have a non sexual exclusive arrangement of sorts for a few more months.

 

will it work? i have no idea, i never attempted such a thing before now. what if it doesn't? i think in that case the parting of ways will be easier, since we'll both feel better about our prospects with others, at least that's my opinion of it. is it worth the time and effort? if there were no other attraction, i would say no, and wouldn't have gotten into such an arrangement. but in this case we clicked on every other level, so i'm willing to give it a try. i won't be dead in 3 or 4 months, there will always be another summer, so we'll see.

[Ms. Joolie]

I am seriously rethinking the relationship and deciding my next course of action. I have already lined up another place to live.

 

That's the spirit, good for you! Do what makes you happy, be proud and live well!

[Rinnix]

We hadn't been dating for long. I remember he made an appreciative comment about her body shape.

 

This was in the early stages, I would have left him there.

 

He went on to berate me for a few minutes about my selection when it arrived with a look of disgust on his face. I tried to play it off and act like it was no big deal, which seemed to prompt his disgust all the more. Now he recolors history and says he was just 'joking' and that he just thought it looked disgusting.

 

Again, why did you stay to put up with this? I would have left the restaurant,

and then him.

 

He informed that I am not his physical type outright.

Dump the chump.

 

 

He will practically gawk at women, looking repeatedly with prolonged glances. It's uncomfortable and it has been from the very start.

 

AGAIN, why are you wasting time with this guy?

[Sanman]

The bottom line is simple. He is settling and so are you. You would not be putting up with this behavior if you felt you had numerous other options. The truth is that we all have to settle to some degree. I been everything from overweight/chubby to looking like an underwear model. I always thought that looking better would give me more options. The truth is that it did in some ways. However, I recognized that not compromising physical standards often means compromising personality, humor, intelligence, and other qualities. I was still as unhappy with my choices as I was when I was overweight. The women I have dated more recently were a balance of looks and personality. The woman I am interested in now is not the best looking women I have ever dated, but she is cute, kind, intelligent, fun, and very down to earth and easy to get a long with. Keep losing weight and getting healthy, dump the guy if you feel he does not respect you, and accept the fact that packaging does matter and most people have a level of shallowness to them. I find that the difference between a friend and a potential partner is often just that for me.

[Lorelai]

What are you talking about? I'm not talking about BMI and I'm not talking about broad, husky, muscular boyd types....I'm talking about FAT people.

 

No one is attracted to that other than those with a fat fetish.

 

I'm 5'8" 190 lbs and I run a 40 in 5.2 seconds. I'm very athletic. So saying someone is muscular but their weight is higher than their BMI as "overweight" is not anything close to what I'm talking about.

 

Remember, I said muscle with padding. He worked a desk job. No, he wasn't as fit as you or a body builder -- he didn't work out or run, he just had more muscle under the fat than a person his height and weight with a more wiry muscle structure would have. I find men who are so ripped and have so low of body fat that veins pop out when they strain *extremely* unattractive.... but some women go ga-ga over that.

[thatone]

just as i find athletic women unattractive. i laugh at these fitness product commercials showing a woman going from a slightly (10-20 pounds) overweight very feminine appearance to having defined ab muscles and biceps.

 

"congrats, you now look like a man, hope it was worth the money and effort!"

[Lorelai]

As far as my diet - I eat 2k calories a day. I'm younger - it's been about 8 weeks, so on average I've lost about 2.5 pounds a week (but I've actually lost a little under 20 pounds). I strength train to get rid of a higher body fat percentage - which is commonly called 'excess skin' when they've lost all the weight (i.e., they have lost a lot of muscle but still have a relatively high body fat percentage...hence all the blob looking stuff).

 

Maybe you haven't known a lot of people who have lost significant amounts of weight quickly, but when I say loose skin I mean exactly that -- skin. My mom had bariatric surgery and believe me, it's not just flab. At one point after the surgery she had a 17.9 BMI and her doctors were making her *gain* weight because her body fat percentage was too low.

 

I'm very happy to hear that you are doing it by primarily using exercise as your method of creating a calorie deficit. It's much better for you that way.

 

Wishing you the best of luck and keep it up!

[heartshaped]

Your boyfriend sounds like a jerk.

 

But as you've been together three years now, I wouldn't just up and leave, but I would definitely take some type to think about if I really wanted to potentially spend my life with someone when I wasn't their 'physical type'. Basically, saying you are fat with prettier words.

[Enchanted Girl]

I tried to do a search for a few different phrases to find other threads dealing with this issue, but I had a great deal of difficulty. I'm sorry - I suspect this is a common theme around these parts.

 

I know in general that I am not the physical preference for the vast, vast majority of men in the country. I'm probably still 50 or more pounds overweight, despite losing nearly 20 through a combination of diet and exercise in the last two months. I have always been insecure because invariably men would bring it up.

 

I've had friends inform me that they "see that I'm larger" but they're not "bothered by it" unprompted. An ex declared he was thrilled that I was heavier because it meant less competition for him.

 

A guy who was seriously interested in me at one point started comparing me to "Dove girls" - which is nice on the surface, as many of those women in the ads are still good-looking. But when a man, out of no where, repeatedly emphasizes that you are not a supermodel (as he did), it just ends up cutting into your self-esteem. It's like every guy who was interested in me first wanted to hack my self-esteem down to a controllable size, then make his move.

 

The downside of being heavier is that you often attract insecure partners.

 

Although it has never directly been stated, of course I know that the vast majority of men prefer thin woman - even my boyfriend, despite being about 15 pounds overweight now himself. I remember seeing a photo of one of his exes once from when he was a teenager - she was in a cosplay costume that showed off everything. We hadn't been dating for long. I remember he made an appreciative comment about her body shape. Yes, totally inappropriate of him to do to show me pictures of his exes like that, but that's another issue entirely.

 

In the past he has been critical about my eating choices. He claims it has 'nothing' to do with my weight. While going on a trip one time, I ordered pancakes with whipped cream in a restaurant. He went on to berate me for a few minutes about my selection when it arrived with a look of disgust on his face. I tried to play it off and act like it was no big deal, which seemed to prompt his disgust all the more. Now he recolors history and says he was just 'joking' and that he just thought it looked disgusting. I remember him asking repeatedly, "Seriously, why did you order that?" I felt like a child with my boyfriend correcting my eating choices in a restaurant full of people!

 

After that, I told him he would never again make critical comments about what I'm eating. I am not going to be in a relationship where someone monitors everything I put into my mouth and criticizes me.

 

But after a long diatribe about related issues...after a few beers last night, he informed that I am not his physical type outright. We have been seeing each other for almost 3 years. It was prompted because while at the bar, there were several very thin women wearing some revealing clothes. He's terrible at doing the incognito check-out. He told me that while he finds me attractive and loves me, the weight is 'unattractive' and a 'negative feature.'

 

He will practically gawk at women, looking repeatedly with prolonged glances. It's uncomfortable and it has been from the very start. I teased him about only looking at the thin ones. I get that men look - although I do find it insensitive and disrespectful that he doesn't even try to minimize the looking in front of me.

 

I'm not one of those women who says he can't go to a strip club (he can - not every weekend - but for special events and things? Have fun!), gets jealous over porn, etc. But if I saw him checking out an overweight girl every now and then, I'd at least feel like there's more proof he's attracted to me. It's not like there are a shortage of them in this country.

 

On the one hand I know it is highly, highly, highly unlikely that I will find a man in the U.S. who likes or even prefers my body. I know that being overweight is unhealthy (which I'm trying to fix). But I feel like I'm losing weight to earn someone's love and interest now. I have been overweight the entire time we've been together - I'm only about 10 pounds heavier than when we first started dating and 10 pounds lighter than when we first met. I have not significantly gained or lost weight, really.

 

It doesn't help that the more I lost weight, the more it feels like there's a sexual spark rekindled. I almost find losing all of the weight terrifying now - is he suddenly going to be all over me? Are other people? It may seem a stupid reason to worry about losing weight, but it's a valid one. Even if I know it's the truth - that people aren't attracted to me as I am now - it's one thing to be pretty sure about it and another to directly know it because suddenly people pay attention to you when you're thinner.

 

I don't know what he thought his comment would do for me. I know it was my own petty jealousy that prompted me to bring up the fact that he's always looking at thin women - deep down I knew the answer and it was like I wanted to torment myself by hearing him say it.

 

My boyfriend isn't my physical ideal either - but I would never say it to him. I find him physically attractive with all of his features - I don't see any as 'negative points.' He's the sum of all of his parts, I guess. This despite knowing that most people probably would find him unattractive - he has a birthmark covering a large portion of his face. I have never minded it - and in fact, I've grown to find it an attractive part of him.

 

None of us will have the typical Hollywood-looking guy as a boyfriend (most likely), and I'm fine with that. Am I just being too hung-up and sensitive to this comment? I know that I'm sensitive about my weight. Or...is it something you never admit to? If you didn't find an overweight woman attractive - just because of her weight - would you avoid dating her?

 

Part of me almost feels like this relationship is a lie - that he settled with me at the time because I was the best that he could get. And I know deep-down that I'm upset because men have never really checked me out. They progressively check me out more and more as I lose weight, but that's all. I always feel like second best.

 

Has anyone else dealt with this issue - not feeling attractive to your partner? For the record, we have had a shaky sex-life from the start. It only started to improve when we moved in together and I started birth control, although it's still not quite frequent or good.

 

You're just dating the wrong men. I've been overweight lots of time in my life and have never had this problem. I get treated by the guy I am dating the same whether I am overweight or not. Although I have more options usually when I am thinner.

 

Men like this are mean to you even when you're skinny. Me and my best friend talk about it because she's the kind of girl that dates these kinds of guys as well. And she's thin and blond and gorgeous.

 

We went to this party with both of our boyfriends at the time once. There was this girl there who had gigantic boobs and was wearing a cleavage revealing shirt. She had a beautiful face, long legs, and a curvy body overall. Literally, when she walked in the room, every single guy, including our boyfriends, turned and stared at her appreciatively.

 

Her boyfriend was the one running the party. She walked up to him and said,"Just got back from the gym!"

 

His response? "You better have bitch! You're getting fat."

 

And then he went off and started flirting with some other girl.

 

Men act like this because they are treating women like sex objects. They can dispose of you easily and they are critical if you don't please them in all ways. They are unappreciative about what they have, selfish, and immature.

 

I'm not telling you not to lose weight before everyone jumps down my throat. After all, I'm trying to lose weight too and I know that if I do, I will be healthier.

 

BUT . . . .

 

This problem won't go away even if you do lose weight. You need to start dating men who treat women like people and start being harder on them.

 

You listed all the things you're okay with. Now you need to list all the things you are not okay with and won't put up with. You have a right to be treated well.

[thatone]

 

Her boyfriend was the one running the party. She walked up to him and said,"Just got back from the gym!"

 

His response? "You better have bitch! You're getting fat."

 

And then he went off and started flirting with some other girl.

 

Men act like this because they are treating women like sex objects. They can dispose of you easily and they are critical if you don't please them in all ways. They are unappreciative about what they have, selfish, and immature.

 

 

and she got the man she got because she has nothing to offer other than those tits and the results of the trips to the gym. it's incredibly funny that all you women can sit around plotting against each other, but one man added to the mix makes you all friends again, at least long enough to blame him for the shortcomings of women.

 

/equality

Edited June 18, 2011 by thatone

[somedude81]

We went to this party with both of our boyfriends at the time once. There was this girl there who had gigantic boobs and was wearing a cleavage revealing shirt. She had a beautiful face, long legs, and a curvy body overall. Literally, when she walked in the room, every single guy, including our boyfriends, turned and stared at her appreciatively.

 

Her boyfriend was the one running the party. She walked up to him and said,"Just got back from the gym!"

 

His response? "You better have bitch! You're getting fat."

 

And then he went off and started flirting with some other girl.

Totally off topic, but... Why do women date guys like that?

 

She could basically have any man she wants and she chose that....?

[Tayla]

Enchanted girl, I think your response nailed it! It took understanding that its the guys mentality that needs to trim the fat and stop being a bone head so to speak when it comes to his lady fair.

 

Objectively speaking we each have a "preferance" to the physique of our attraction. We also make concessions with such. Some folks prefer the lanky, or muscular or some prefer tallness. I sincerely believe we gain a "fondness" based on some of that criterea , the double edge sword though is when that persons physique changes due to illness, or lifestyle habits . Suddenly the reality doesnt match the preference.

 

To the OP- Keep being true to yourself , you are actually gaining wisdom whilst holding true to your values.

[D-Lish]

Most people are very happy to lose weight. Certainly I am and I'm going to continue to do so - but the more others recognize it and treat me better, it does reinforce the 'you were so not good enough before' idea.

 

I disagree, and I think you should look at it in a different way!

 

Losing weight and getting healthy shows you care about yourself. People that care about themselves tend to exude a certain confidence. When you're losing weight, you are probably also starting to feel a little better about yourself- and I tend to think that has a lot to do with people responding to you in a different way.

 

I've been in the bra fitting business my entire life- and I've often had to fit women that have lost a lot of weight and need to be fitted for a new bra as a result. It's amazing the confidence they present. They are feeling good, it shows, naturally people start responding differently to them.

[Lorelai]

and she got the man she got because she has nothing to offer other than those tits and the results of the trips to the gym. it's incredibly funny that all you women can sit around plotting against each other, but one man added to the mix makes you all friends again, at least long enough to blame him for the shortcomings of women.

 

/equality

 

Meh, two wrongs don't make a right, even if it does create equality. Judging all men by the actions of one is just as fallacious as judging a person you've never met or spoken to based on their description as fit and busty.

 

Some women are attracted to jerks. Some men are attracted to bitches. You have to admit, often in matters of the heart the rational brain goes out the window. Turning this into a battle of the sexes is pointless.

[WhisperinnWinds]

Just thought I'd update you all on the situation:

 

Today we ended up having another discussion related to this. He could tell I was bothered and asked why. I said, "It hurts to learn that I'm not your physical type."

 

He paused and said, "You are my type." Noticing his apparent ommission, I corrected, "Your physical type." He reiterated, "You are my type." I believe the second part of his sentiment was, "Physical isn't that important..."

 

Maybe not to him, but it is to me - and it was incredibly hurtful to hear he's never been attracted to my body.

 

I had a bag packed. I took it and my animals. He was very angry to see me leaving. I was in another room - so I'm not sure if he purposely or accidentally knocked over a dining room chair. As I was leaving, he reassured me he'd take care of my pets if I left them. There was no way I was going to leave them.

 

I am back at my parents' house. I'm not thrilled to be here but I would rather be here than continue to live in a lie with someone who does not like my body. I get that it's not perfect, but there are just some things you never say to your partner. Not even now would I tell him, "Your body's unattractive." Not even if I really felt that way.

 

I have decided to go NC for the week, at which point probably next weekend I will go and collect the rest of my stuff. I'm sad that after nearly 3 years it's ending, but after putting up with all of his ex crap...and then this body stuff...and relentlessly checking out other girls/making jokes about sleeping with other women/etc...I'm just done with it all. I was never good enough for him.

[Enchanted Girl]

@OP: If you need someone to talk to, to make this easier, feel free to PM me and make threads here. It really helps and I know this is hard. Even though he's an ******* and you're better off without him, your feelings are still there.

 

Meh, two wrongs don't make a right, even if it does create equality. Judging all men by the actions of one is just as fallacious as judging a person you've never met or spoken to based on their description as fit and busty.

 

Some women are attracted to jerks. Some men are attracted to bitches. You have to admit, often in matters of the heart the rational brain goes out the window. Turning this into a battle of the sexes is pointless.

 

Or maybe he just is upset because HE acts that way and wants to defend it. Because I never once said that all men are this way. My boyfriend certainly isn't and neither was any guy I ever dated. (I think I said that in my post, but I forget.)

 

And the friend that I talked to this about, I was already friends with beforehand and am still friends with afterwards. If he means friends with the guy's girlfriend? No, her and I have never directly spoken. I've just observed her interactions with this guy and her hiding in her room about it afterwards. So it didn't make me more or less friends with anyone.

 

All I was saying is *******s are *******s, no matter how much you do all the things they ask you to in order to please them.

[heartshaped]

I'm sorry to hear your relationship is ending, but it sounds like this was the best thing for you. I'm sure he did love you, but it doesn't sound like he respected you and respect goes a long way. I hope you can now begin to heal and focus on yourself.

[WhisperinnWinds]

I don't think I can send PMs yet, but I'm looking forward to it in the future. Thank you for the offer.

 

As for everyone else - why did I stay? Lots of reasons - an emotionally abusive upbringing, a bad past dating experience with my first boyfriend. Honestly, through most of my doubts/upsets with this boyfriend, I honestly believed that I was overreacting or that the problem was inside of me (I'm assuming because of my past - it was not uncommon for people to tell me I was 'overreacting.'). I always tried to do my best to handle it...

 

Tonight we went out to dinner with his parents, and the only thing I could focus on was, "I can't believe my self-esteem is so low that I would accept being with someone who freely admits that he does not like my body. Can I honestly feel good about myself thinking that somebody settled for me?"

 

I am devastated right now, honestly. Our sex life was never that amazing and I often felt like I had to beg for it. Even despite that - and call me dense - it still struck me as out of no where when this bombshell landed. I am so incredibly hurt.

[Lorelai]

Or maybe he just is upset because HE acts that way and wants to defend it. Because I never once said that all men are this way. My boyfriend certainly isn't and neither was any guy I ever dated. (I think I said that in my post, but I forget.)

 

And the friend that I talked to this about, I was already friends with beforehand and am still friends with afterwards. If he means friends with the guy's girlfriend? No, her and I have never directly spoken. I've just observed her interactions with this guy and her hiding in her room about it afterwards. So it didn't make me more or less friends with anyone.

 

From what I've seen of ThatOne's posts, he's not generally superficial. But I might be judging based on limited information.

 

You said "Men act like this because they are treating women like sex objects." If you'd put "some" before "men", which is what I was pretty sure you meant, or said "The men who act this way do it because" ... then I don't think ThatOne would have taken it as an attack on men in general.

 

But regardless of what you meant, it seemed he perceived it as an attack on men in general, and decided to make assumptions about someone he's never met or spoken to based on your description of that person as fit and busty to create "equality".

 

Dragging both sides down to the same level may create equality, but it doesn't mean it's the right way to go about achieving equality. For example, take segregation. One of the reasons that "separate but equal" had been criticized is because often the educational levels were *not* equal -- often the schools for black kids were more poorly maintained, had older textbooks, and less funding than schools for white kids. They failed at attempting to create equality so couldn't be trusted to ensure that black students had the same access to education as white students if they went to separate schools. Would the right way to have handled the situation have been to take the better, more recent textbooks away from the white kids and have everyone use the same outdated books across the school district? Obviously not. That would be silly.

[Enchanted Girl]

From what I've seen of ThatOne's posts, he's not generally superficial. But I might be judging based on limited information.

 

You said "Men act like this because they are treating women like sex objects." If you'd put "some" before "men", which is what I was pretty sure you meant, or said "The men who act this way do it because" ... then I don't think ThatOne would have taken it as an attack on men in general.

 

But regardless of what you meant, it seemed he perceived it as an attack on men in general, and decided to make assumptions about someone he's never met or spoken to based on your description of that person as fit and busty to create "equality".

 

Dragging both sides down to the same level may create equality, but it doesn't mean it's the right way to go about achieving equality. For example, take segregation. One of the reasons that "separate but equal" had been criticized is because often the educational levels were *not* equal -- often the schools for black kids were more poorly maintained, had older textbooks, and less funding than schools for white kids. They failed at attempting to create equality so couldn't be trusted to ensure that black students had the same access to education as white students if they went to separate schools. Would the right way to have handled the situation have been to take the better, more recent textbooks away from the white kids and have everyone use the same outdated books across the school district? Obviously not. That would be silly.

 

I would normally agree that made sense if I hadn't started my post with this:

 

"You're just dating the wrong men. I've been overweight lots of time in my life and have never had this problem. I get treated by the guy I am dating the same whether I am overweight or not. Although I have more options usually when I am thinner."

 

I stated directly that I didn't think all men were the same. I started my post out that way! And that because they aren't all the same, she can do better.

 

But other than that, I can see how my wording could have been taken wrong.

[thatone]

From what I've seen of ThatOne's posts, he's not generally superficial. But I might be judging based on limited information.

 

You said "Men act like this because they are treating women like sex objects." If you'd put "some" before "men", which is what I was pretty sure you meant, or said "The men who act this way do it because" ... then I don't think ThatOne would have taken it as an attack on men in general.

 

But regardless of what you meant, it seemed he perceived it as an attack on men in general, and decided to make assumptions about someone he's never met or spoken to based on your description of that person as fit and busty to create "equality".

 

 

that's pretty much it. yeah, a lot of people are superficial. perhaps even most.

 

if you look at my posts in the girdle thread from yesterday you'll see my real opinion, i was defending women against the 20 year old male gym crowd in that thread . and i've posted as much before in other threads in response to younger men who absolutely must have a certain appearance that fits with their notion of perfection, i think the obsession people have with appearance in the current climate of "everyone must have a gym membership" will do nothing but make for a lot of lonely 35-40 year olds in a few years, because gym memberships and working out every day or not, a select few people have the genetic traits that allow them to remain thin and athletic past 35. this mess is the result of a marketing driven society.

 

but all that aside, some women WANT to be sex objects. the blonde at the party example is testament to that. and hey, can you really blame her? she's probably not that smart. she's working with the tools she was given. i'm not exactly brad pitt, so i worked at making a good living and learning how to gain favor by conversation and intelligence, because those are the things i'm good at.

 

everyone gets what they get. that's not gender specific.

Edited June 19, 2011 by thatone