"You aren't my physical type"

[WhisperinnWinds]

I tried to do a search for a few different phrases to find other threads dealing with this issue, but I had a great deal of difficulty. I'm sorry - I suspect this is a common theme around these parts.

 

I know in general that I am not the physical preference for the vast, vast majority of men in the country. I'm probably still 50 or more pounds overweight, despite losing nearly 20 through a combination of diet and exercise in the last two months. I have always been insecure because invariably men would bring it up.

 

I've had friends inform me that they "see that I'm larger" but they're not "bothered by it" unprompted. An ex declared he was thrilled that I was heavier because it meant less competition for him.

 

A guy who was seriously interested in me at one point started comparing me to "Dove girls" - which is nice on the surface, as many of those women in the ads are still good-looking. But when a man, out of no where, repeatedly emphasizes that you are not a supermodel (as he did), it just ends up cutting into your self-esteem. It's like every guy who was interested in me first wanted to hack my self-esteem down to a controllable size, then make his move.

 

The downside of being heavier is that you often attract insecure partners.

 

Although it has never directly been stated, of course I know that the vast majority of men prefer thin woman - even my boyfriend, despite being about 15 pounds overweight now himself. I remember seeing a photo of one of his exes once from when he was a teenager - she was in a cosplay costume that showed off everything. We hadn't been dating for long. I remember he made an appreciative comment about her body shape. Yes, totally inappropriate of him to do to show me pictures of his exes like that, but that's another issue entirely.

 

In the past he has been critical about my eating choices. He claims it has 'nothing' to do with my weight. While going on a trip one time, I ordered pancakes with whipped cream in a restaurant. He went on to berate me for a few minutes about my selection when it arrived with a look of disgust on his face. I tried to play it off and act like it was no big deal, which seemed to prompt his disgust all the more. Now he recolors history and says he was just 'joking' and that he just thought it looked disgusting. I remember him asking repeatedly, "Seriously, why did you order that?" I felt like a child with my boyfriend correcting my eating choices in a restaurant full of people!

 

After that, I told him he would never again make critical comments about what I'm eating. I am not going to be in a relationship where someone monitors everything I put into my mouth and criticizes me.

 

But after a long diatribe about related issues...after a few beers last night, he informed that I am not his physical type outright. We have been seeing each other for almost 3 years. It was prompted because while at the bar, there were several very thin women wearing some revealing clothes. He's terrible at doing the incognito check-out. He told me that while he finds me attractive and loves me, the weight is 'unattractive' and a 'negative feature.'

 

He will practically gawk at women, looking repeatedly with prolonged glances. It's uncomfortable and it has been from the very start. I teased him about only looking at the thin ones. I get that men look - although I do find it insensitive and disrespectful that he doesn't even try to minimize the looking in front of me.

 

I'm not one of those women who says he can't go to a strip club (he can - not every weekend - but for special events and things? Have fun!), gets jealous over porn, etc. But if I saw him checking out an overweight girl every now and then, I'd at least feel like there's more proof he's attracted to me. It's not like there are a shortage of them in this country.

 

On the one hand I know it is highly, highly, highly unlikely that I will find a man in the U.S. who likes or even prefers my body. I know that being overweight is unhealthy (which I'm trying to fix). But I feel like I'm losing weight to earn someone's love and interest now. I have been overweight the entire time we've been together - I'm only about 10 pounds heavier than when we first started dating and 10 pounds lighter than when we first met. I have not significantly gained or lost weight, really.

 

It doesn't help that the more I lost weight, the more it feels like there's a sexual spark rekindled. I almost find losing all of the weight terrifying now - is he suddenly going to be all over me? Are other people? It may seem a stupid reason to worry about losing weight, but it's a valid one. Even if I know it's the truth - that people aren't attracted to me as I am now - it's one thing to be pretty sure about it and another to directly know it because suddenly people pay attention to you when you're thinner.

 

I don't know what he thought his comment would do for me. I know it was my own petty jealousy that prompted me to bring up the fact that he's always looking at thin women - deep down I knew the answer and it was like I wanted to torment myself by hearing him say it.

 

My boyfriend isn't my physical ideal either - but I would never say it to him. I find him physically attractive with all of his features - I don't see any as 'negative points.' He's the sum of all of his parts, I guess. This despite knowing that most people probably would find him unattractive - he has a birthmark covering a large portion of his face. I have never minded it - and in fact, I've grown to find it an attractive part of him.

 

None of us will have the typical Hollywood-looking guy as a boyfriend (most likely), and I'm fine with that. Am I just being too hung-up and sensitive to this comment? I know that I'm sensitive about my weight. Or...is it something you never admit to? If you didn't find an overweight woman attractive - just because of her weight - would you avoid dating her?

 

Part of me almost feels like this relationship is a lie - that he settled with me at the time because I was the best that he could get. And I know deep-down that I'm upset because men have never really checked me out. They progressively check me out more and more as I lose weight, but that's all. I always feel like second best.

 

Has anyone else dealt with this issue - not feeling attractive to your partner? For the record, we have had a shaky sex-life from the start. It only started to improve when we moved in together and I started birth control, although it's still not quite frequent or good.

[SmileFace]

He is with you right? What more do you want? Please love yourself before you ending up just pushing him away.

[Andy_K]

Personally, I wouldn't want to be with someone if I wasn't their physical type. I don't want someone who 'loves me despite it', I want someone who wants to rip my clothes off! This is one of the reasons I make a great effort to be in good shape.

 

This results in a lot less worrying about a partner checking someone else out, and suchlike.

[SmileFace]

To add. Why do you think it is ok for you to settle for someone who isn't even your physical type?

[kooki]

Hi,

 

First of all, I think this guy never loved you in the first place, but only used you for whatever reason: security, etc.

 

Second of all, I'm a skinny chick, tall and thin, and I don't have it better than you in terms of dating. As much as you like to think I do.

 

Third of all, you need to find a guy who will CELEBRATE your shape and body!!!!! I disagree with you that

 

"On the one hand I know it is highly, highly, highly unlikely that I will find a man in the U.S. who likes or even prefers my body."

 

 

Love yourself, celebrate your body! There are men outthere who DO prefer your physical type. And don't lose weight for someone, lose weight for yourself if you need to first.

[WhisperinnWinds]

He isn't my physical ideal, I said - and no one ever will be, to me or anybody else. That's sort of 'as perfect as it gets on Earth' type of stuff at that level. I still find my boyfriend attractive - everything about him. I have never found myself picking out individual traits that I thought were unattractive. Individually and collectively, I think they're all attractive.

 

I've never been the sort who has a stack of 'physical types.' I've been sexually attracted to a wide category of men - tall and short, thin and fat, dark features and complexion and lighter ones. I am in a relationship with him now and I love him and find him sexually attractive - I do feel he is my 'physical type' and my preference. He is what excites me. Even when I look at others - I find myself trying to find traits in them that they share with my boyfriend.

 

He was thin when we first started dating. The fact that he's gained 15 or 20 pounds hasn't changed that. I still find him attractive - and would even if he gained more. I don't see it as an unattractive change. I guess I'm neutral about it. Of course I notice it, but that's all.

 

I don't feel that I settled - I feel like I ended up with the person I wanted to be with, physically and emotionally. I am not pleased with all of his behaviors regarding my weight in the past, but I can tolerate them and move forward given that it doesn't happen again.

[SmileFace]

I am so sorry please ignore my first comment in this thread. I some how skipped the page and only read the first couple of paragraphs and the last couple. However my last comment still stands.

He isn't being nice at all and you shouldn't take his ****. However you too aren't happy with yourself and it shows. You can't expect someone to love you as you are when you don't love yourself. If you were happy with yourself , you wouldn't stay and deal with his crap.

[WhisperinnWinds]

Jazzari, it's a weird sort of complex - I've encountered others who have it before. It's not that acquiring those things isn't good. They are certainly perks to a lot of hard work. But on the other side, I think it doubly reinforces the idea that you were unworthy, unwanted and unattractive when you were heavier - i.e., 'not good enough' for that purpose and that purpose only.

 

I think I like the idea of people always treating me consistently - even if I'm not getting flooded with flirty comments and things - because it still reinforces the idea that it's not all shallow in society. I don't know - maybe I'm not explaining well. It's a hard concept to swallow because I know that it seems very...strange. Most people are very happy to lose weight. Certainly I am and I'm going to continue to do so - but the more others recognize it and treat me better, it does reinforce the 'you were so not good enough before' idea.

 

For some people I think being overweight is a protective barrier - people treat you as they always have. You don't have to drop the weight and see that people start to treat you differently.

 

In the past I once lost more than 60 pounds and I had just started getting to the point where people were treating me a little differently, but I guess things were mostly still the same - since the very day I noted my 60+ weight loss, a group of boys heckled me about my weight out in public. And I wasn't even that heavy.

[SmileFace]

For some people I think being overweight is a protective barrier - people treat you as they always have. You don't have to drop the weight and see that people start to treat you differently.

 

In the past I once lost more than 60 pounds and I had just started getting to the point where people were treating me a little differently, but I guess things were mostly still the same - since the very day I noted my 60+ weight loss, a group of boys heckled me about my weight out in public. And I wasn't even that heavy.

I won't doubt people treat you different when you lose weight. I have lost over 100 pounds and it doesn't matter how much more people are accepting of me now . You know why? Because I am not the same person I was when I was bigger. It isn't always everyone else.

[GivenUp0083]

"Fat" or "overweight" isn't anyone's preferred physical type.

 

Jump on a treadmill, eat healthy, improve yourself and help yourself increase your chance of living a longer and healthier life.

[Feelsgoodman]

Love yourself, celebrate your body!

This is a foolish sentiment that promotes self-selusion. Being overweight and considered unattractive by the majority of the population is hardly a cause for celebration. I've seen some pretty terrible advice being given on LS but this is about as bad as it gets. What you are essentially suggesting is that the OP stay overweight and wait to meet a guy with a BBW fetish. IMO, this is hardly a path to a happier life.

 

Self-improvement, on the other hand, is the path to a happier life. The OP has stated that she lost 20 lbs in a couple of months through diet and exercise. Those are pretty good results. OP, ignore the people who tell you to stay fat, keep yourself motivated and continuing with the same diet/nutrition routine. I know a few people who lost a significant amount of weight and this completely turned their lives around (for the better).

 

Remember that unless you suffer from certain medical conditions (i.e. thyroid gland disfunction), obesity is not a fate - it's a choice. Make the right one (and since it sounds like you already did, keep working at it).

[WhisperinnWinds]

Either way I intend to lose weight - regardless of my boyfriend's feelings about my size, I'm not thrilled about it and I want to get down to a healthier weight. For my own future, but also for looks.

 

Still, I guess there's some part of me that wants my boyfriend to find me attractive NOW as I find him attractive now - even though he's got a beer belly. There's some part of me that wants that physical attraction to be unconditional. I don't feel a change in how I felt for him when he was thin and in shape versus how he is now. Maybe it's different for men and women - or even maybe just for me. If he put on another 30 I think I'd still be as ready to bang 'im as I was when he was at an average weight.

 

Maybe I've read too much into the weight comment. For me, it's hard to separate that while he might not find my weight physically attractive, he might find me as a whole physically attractive. Even if he were thrilled about my size right now, it wouldn't stop me from losing weight - I'm not really doing it for him. But I feel, as a result of doing it while with him, I'm working to get love/approval/etc. from him.

 

I realize this may not make sense. But at the moment, it makes sex feel like an impossibility here forward. I am forevermore going to be self-conscious about my size now, knowing how strongly he disapproves of it. How could I feel turned on? It's not like it's just my hair color or something - something that's a small fraction of my body or that could very easily be changed with a dye job. Weight takes a long time to change and it covers your entire body!

[Lorelai]

"Fat" or "overweight" isn't anyone's preferred physical type.

 

Jump on a treadmill, eat healthy, improve yourself and help yourself increase your chance of living a longer and healthier life.

 

Speak for yourself on the "overweight" part. I prefer my men with broad shoulders and enough padding so that they're comfortable to cuddle with. The guy I was with for five years was 5'10 and 200 lbs. That's nearly a 29 BMI -- almost obese. But he also demonstrates the problem with BMI as a way to measure a person's weight... as I said, he had broad shoulders. Muscle weighs more than fat.

 

I can admire the beauty of a man with a reasonable amount of muscle and low body fat -- watching this one guy chop firewood when I lived in a commune was like watching a sculpture in motion. But while I could recognize the physical beauty, I was not attracted to him.

 

I'm sure that there are men who have had similar experiences -- they might be able to recognize a woman's beauty without actually being attracted to them. I don't think I'm too odd there. But maybe I am. I dunno.

[kooki]

There are people out there who celebrate themselves and those who hate themselves.

 

Love yourself, celebrate yourself means that you will not let shame take hold of you. Not letting shame get to you will actually provide results, whether it's changing your eating habits or adopting a new lifestyle of taking care of your body.

 

So, easier said than done. You need to find a guy who is more accepting of you and who will be attracted to you, now, in the present. Otherwise, you can be on your own as you lose weight more and THEN date.

 

It goes the same for any other type of social stigma. Being overweight is socially stigmatized.

 

And don't let anyone treat you with disrespect!

 

Tell them to **** off.

 

Ps look at Christina Hendricks. What a great curvy body she has, she celebrates it, she knows how to dress it, amazing. But again, it's all a matter of personal preference as long as the weight is not causing you or is bound to cause you medical problems.

 

What some people consider fat, others consider curvy, I have no idea where you stand.

 

Whatever you do, surround yourself with people who support you and help you on your journey, whatever that may be.

[Arikel]

Firstly,

One of the main things I love in my partner is that no matter what happens, he always assures me that I am beautiful and fine. I gained 5kg in 6 months (urgh!) and he still assures me that I am beautiful and I do not need to change, even when I'm complaining and glaring at the scales.

 

Naturally, I went on a diet, and he supported me through it, but never made me feel forced to be on the diet. He NEVER made me feel bad when I ate an ice cream, or cookies, or chocolate, even though he would gently tease me about it.

 

All this in spite of him being extremely fit, and lean.

 

I think a partner should always love you the way you are, and yet support you toward a change for the better. But he or she should never ridicule you or force you to change. I hope you can understand the point I'm trying to make. Your BF may simply be concerned about your health, but making you feel bad about being big doesn't achieve much of anything.

Especially considering the fact that he is overweight too, thats really hypocritical. You should be supporting each other towards a healthier lifestyle, not being critical of one partner. Your bf should learn diplomacy and tact, or just go find a skinny chick instead of making you feel crap. You love all of him, birthmarks and poundage, he should do the same for you.

 

The other thing I want to say is that there is NOTHING wrong with looking good and gaining more positive attention. In a way I understand how it can be very scary/sad/depressing when people pay attention to you when you lose weight/look good, and yet ignore you when you are heavier. You feel that WHO you are doesn't matter against WHAT you look like.

 

I think you have some insecurities from being heavy, you seem to feel like you aren't good enough for your partner. I'm not a therapist, so I can't guide you or advise you. I can only share how I felt when I was overweight, and how I feel now that I'm seriously losing that excess weight, and doing the best I can for my body.

 

Losing that extra 10kg from when I was a teen, then the extra 5kg recently, made me feel GOOD! I feel so much more confident about myself, and I think it shows and is attractive to people. Nothing wrong with that, and you should be even more proud of yourself because you lost 20kg in a 2 months! (healthily I hope ) So good job and keep it up!

 

As a remnant of my heavier days, I don't like it when people overly compliment me on being pretty and wanting to be in a relationship ASAP (online dating/normal dating) before even getting to know ME with all my irritability and crankiness and weirdness, because I feel that once the shine of the physical wears off, they would want out, ASAP as well.

 

Hope this helps you feel not alone in the whole change you are going through

[Sivok]

As a man, I can't help who or what I'm attracted to. The same goes in reverse.

 

As a woman, you weren't born with the size or strength of a man. Instead, you were born with a power of seduction. An attractive woman has a much more profound effect on a man than an attractive man does on a woman. That's just how it is. Get in shape and you'll see this too.

 

Life isn't fair, but that's the beauty of it - you can turn the tides in your favor. Don't deny yourself your most powerful weapon both in the workplace and in life. Get in shape and reap the rewards. Make it happen.

[WhisperinnWinds]

I am fortunate in that I have none of the adverse health effects of being overweight - but then again I'm relatively young and at least somewhat physically active. In the last few months, I've tried to exercise 3 - 6 times a week.

 

My blood pressure's normal - something which people are invariably shocked about whenever I go for check-ups, to donate blood, etc. (blood pressure's usually 110/70 or 75). My cholesterol's fine. My eating habits aren't perfect - admittedly I've got a soft spot for soda and chocolate. But I also realize that while my body handles the weight now, keeping all things equal, in 30 years my knees might be shot, I might have diabetes, etc.

 

I agree with you that it's stigmatized and I often feel like I'm supposed to be deeply embarrassed and ashamed of myself until I get down to a respectable weight, tolerating others' verbal lashings until they find me decent. It's not that I'm proud of being overweight or that I want to be - but it would be nice to feel a little more comfortable with it. Not like I'm a monster, but a person. It wouldn't encourage me to keep the weight on, but it would put me in a healthier place mentally that would give me the encouragement to lose face.

 

Whenever I feel attacked about my weight, my auto-defense is of course negativity and wanting to settle down with some ice cream. When I find encouragement, I feel more likely to go exercise and take care of myself. A lot of people trying the shaming approach on fat people...and honestly in my experience it's countereffective.

[counterman]

I have had a slight issue with my ex-girlfriend not being attracted to me, no matter how many times she said she was. It showed by her actions. But that's another story.

 

I believe it's absolutely wonderful if someone could meet another who loves them for just the way they are. I haven't met anyone like that yet. In fact, I am sure all my friends or dates have had an issue or two with me. Oh well.

 

In saying that, I can relate to how you feel. I am constantly trying to improve myself - physically, emotionally and intellectually - so that I could be the best that I can be. I feel great about myself when I do and I'm doing it for myself and not for anyone else. However, deep down, I am still the same person. My personality, the way I generally am. If one of the girls in my past or my ex or whatever came back after all my improvement and tried to strike up something with me, I would say "hey, you didn't give me a chance back then and you expect to have one now?". Despite the way I look, I am a still a person with a personality. It's sad how people are so focused on the outsides that they forget that about others some time.

 

If someone openly says that they don't like you physically, **** them. Keep improving for yourself. Stay happy and healthy.

[oldguy]

An ex declared he was thrilled that I was heavier because it meant less competition for him.

I fully understand why the dirt bag is an ex

A guy who was seriously interested in me at one point started comparing me to "Dove girls" - which is nice on the surface, as many of those women in the ads are still good-looking. But when a man, out of no where, repeatedly emphasizes that you are not a supermodel (as he did), it just ends up cutting into your self-esteem. It's like every guy who was interested in me first wanted to hack my self-esteem down to a controllable size, then make his move.

 

The downside of being heavier is that you often attract insecure partners.

 

Although it has never directly been stated, of course I know that the vast majority of men prefer thin woman - even my boyfriend, despite being about 15 pounds overweight now himself. I remember seeing a photo of one of his exes once from when he was a teenager - she was in a cosplay costume that showed off everything. We hadn't been dating for long. I remember he made an appreciative comment about her body shape. Yes, totally inappropriate of him to do to show me pictures of his exes like that, but that's another issue entirely.

 

In the past he has been critical about my eating choices. He claims it has 'nothing' to do with my weight. While going on a trip one time, I ordered pancakes with whipped cream in a restaurant. He went on to berate me for a few minutes about my selection when it arrived with a look of disgust on his face. I tried to play it off and act like it was no big deal, which seemed to prompt his disgust all the more. Now he recolors history and says he was just 'joking' and that he just thought it looked disgusting. I remember him asking repeatedly, "Seriously, why did you order that?" I felt like a child with my boyfriend correcting my eating choices in a restaurant full of people!

 

After that, I told him he would never again make critical comments about what I'm eating. I am not going to be in a relationship where someone monitors everything I put into my mouth and criticizes me.

good for you

 

But after a long diatribe about related issues...after a few beers last night, he informed that I am not his physical type outright. We have been seeing each other for almost 3 years. It was prompted because while at the bar, there were several very thin women wearing some revealing clothes. He's terrible at doing the incognito check-out. He told me that while he finds me attractive and loves me, the weight is 'unattractive' and a 'negative feature.'

 

He will practically gawk at women, looking repeatedly with prolonged glances. It's uncomfortable and it has been from the very start. I teased him about only looking at the thin ones. I get that men look - although I do find it insensitive and disrespectful that he doesn't even try to minimize the looking in front of me.

 

I'm not one of those women who says he can't go to a strip club (he can - not every weekend - but for special events and things? Have fun!), gets jealous over porn, etc. But if I saw him checking out an overweight girl every now and then, I'd at least feel like there's more proof he's attracted to me. It's not like there are a shortage of them in this country.

 

On the one hand I know it is highly, highly, highly unlikely that I will find a man in the U.S. who likes or even prefers my body.

actually, I'm surprised you haven't yet

 

I know that being overweight is unhealthy (which I'm trying to fix). But I feel like I'm losing weight to earn someone's love and interest now.

You do know that if you decide you want to loose weight it need to be for you right?

 

I have been overweight the entire time we've been together - I'm only about 10 pounds heavier than when we first started dating and 10 pounds lighter than when we first met. I have not significantly gained or lost weight, really.

 

It doesn't help that the more I lost weight, the more it feels like there's a sexual spark rekindled. I almost find losing all of the weight terrifying now - is he suddenly going to be all over me? Are other people? It may seem a stupid reason to worry about losing weight, but it's a valid one.

or you might be building a psyc wall of pros & cons about weight & weight loss. I'm just sayin'. If you should decide to loose weight you need to do it for you & you need to make a contract with yourself because motivation itself is short lived & reason will always be defeated by excuses along the way

 

Even if I know it's the truth - that people aren't attracted to me as I am now - it's one thing to be pretty sure about it and another to directly know it because suddenly people pay attention to you when you're thinner.

 

I don't know what he thought his comment would do for me. I know it was my own petty jealousy that prompted me to bring up the fact that he's always looking at thin women - deep down I knew the answer and it was like I wanted to torment myself by hearing him say it.

 

My boyfriend isn't my physical ideal either - but I would never say it to him. I find him physically attractive with all of his features - I don't see any as 'negative points.' He's the sum of all of his parts, I guess. This despite knowing that most people probably would find him unattractive - he has a birthmark covering a large portion of his face. I have never minded it - and in fact, I've grown to find it an attractive part of him.

 

None of us will have the typical Hollywood-looking guy as a boyfriend (most likely), and I'm fine with that. Am I just being too hung-up and sensitive to this comment? I know that I'm sensitive about my weight. Or...is it something you never admit to? If you didn't find an overweight woman attractive - just because of her weight - would you avoid dating her?

I dated a woman once who would do the incognito check-out of especially tall men, I'm average height & never been self conscience about it but I remember to this day how it gradually started effecting my self esteem & self worth. I also remember that; that part of her personality was the first thing I noticed was unattractive about her. It's terrible what we do to each other.

 

Part of me almost feels like this relationship is a lie - that he settled with me at the time because I was the best that he could get. And I know deep-down that I'm upset because men have never really checked me out. They progressively check me out more and more as I lose weight, but that's all. I always feel like second best.

Wow, the fist date I had with the woman who liked tall men, I found out later, was after a date she had with another guy fell through. I always felt like second choice or runner up. It's been a very long time since I knew her but reading your words but back vivid memories of those awful feelings.

by the way, I was 20, 22 yo then & I'm still the same height today and married to wonderful woman who loves me for who I am despite not being 6' tall or looking like Brad Pitt, is he still the Hollywood heart throb?

 

Has anyone else dealt with this issue - not feeling attractive to your partner? For the record, we have had a shaky sex-life from the start. It only started to improve when we moved in together and I started birth control, although it's still not quite frequent or good.

[Arikel]

And since it took me forever to type that post, and I just saw your comment on how you feel that improving yourself now is as if you are just doing it for his approval, I think thats not a good thing. You're doing it for YOU, and if he enjoys him, lucky him. But you're not doing it for him, and you have to keep reminding yourself of that. Its for YOU!

 

Anyway, how is he reacting to your weight loss? Is he improving himself? Is he trying to be better for you as well as himself? If he isn't and yet expects you to be 'perfect', well, screw that

[irc333]

You're not my physical type = you're too overweight for someone I'd consider dating.

 

 

I tried to do a search for a few different phrases to find other threads dealing with this issue, but I had a great deal of difficulty. I'm sorry - I suspect this is a common theme around these parts.

 

I know in general that I am not the physical preference for the vast, vast majority of men in the country. I'm probably still 50 or more pounds overweight, despite losing nearly 20 through a combination of diet and exercise in the last two months. I have always been insecure because invariably men would bring it up.

 

I've had friends inform me that they "see that I'm larger" but they're not "bothered by it" unprompted. An ex declared he was thrilled that I was heavier because it meant less competition for him.

 

A guy who was seriously interested in me at one point started comparing me to "Dove girls" - which is nice on the surface, as many of those women in the ads are still good-looking. But when a man, out of no where, repeatedly emphasizes that you are not a supermodel (as he did), it just ends up cutting into your self-esteem. It's like every guy who was interested in me first wanted to hack my self-esteem down to a controllable size, then make his move.

 

The downside of being heavier is that you often attract insecure partners.

 

Although it has never directly been stated, of course I know that the vast majority of men prefer thin woman - even my boyfriend, despite being about 15 pounds overweight now himself. I remember seeing a photo of one of his exes once from when he was a teenager - she was in a cosplay costume that showed off everything. We hadn't been dating for long. I remember he made an appreciative comment about her body shape. Yes, totally inappropriate of him to do to show me pictures of his exes like that, but that's another issue entirely.

 

In the past he has been critical about my eating choices. He claims it has 'nothing' to do with my weight. While going on a trip one time, I ordered pancakes with whipped cream in a restaurant. He went on to berate me for a few minutes about my selection when it arrived with a look of disgust on his face. I tried to play it off and act like it was no big deal, which seemed to prompt his disgust all the more. Now he recolors history and says he was just 'joking' and that he just thought it looked disgusting. I remember him asking repeatedly, "Seriously, why did you order that?" I felt like a child with my boyfriend correcting my eating choices in a restaurant full of people!

 

After that, I told him he would never again make critical comments about what I'm eating. I am not going to be in a relationship where someone monitors everything I put into my mouth and criticizes me.

 

But after a long diatribe about related issues...after a few beers last night, he informed that I am not his physical type outright. We have been seeing each other for almost 3 years. It was prompted because while at the bar, there were several very thin women wearing some revealing clothes. He's terrible at doing the incognito check-out. He told me that while he finds me attractive and loves me, the weight is 'unattractive' and a 'negative feature.'

 

He will practically gawk at women, looking repeatedly with prolonged glances. It's uncomfortable and it has been from the very start. I teased him about only looking at the thin ones. I get that men look - although I do find it insensitive and disrespectful that he doesn't even try to minimize the looking in front of me.

 

I'm not one of those women who says he can't go to a strip club (he can - not every weekend - but for special events and things? Have fun!), gets jealous over porn, etc. But if I saw him checking out an overweight girl every now and then, I'd at least feel like there's more proof he's attracted to me. It's not like there are a shortage of them in this country.

 

On the one hand I know it is highly, highly, highly unlikely that I will find a man in the U.S. who likes or even prefers my body. I know that being overweight is unhealthy (which I'm trying to fix). But I feel like I'm losing weight to earn someone's love and interest now. I have been overweight the entire time we've been together - I'm only about 10 pounds heavier than when we first started dating and 10 pounds lighter than when we first met. I have not significantly gained or lost weight, really.

 

It doesn't help that the more I lost weight, the more it feels like there's a sexual spark rekindled. I almost find losing all of the weight terrifying now - is he suddenly going to be all over me? Are other people? It may seem a stupid reason to worry about losing weight, but it's a valid one. Even if I know it's the truth - that people aren't attracted to me as I am now - it's one thing to be pretty sure about it and another to directly know it because suddenly people pay attention to you when you're thinner.

 

I don't know what he thought his comment would do for me. I know it was my own petty jealousy that prompted me to bring up the fact that he's always looking at thin women - deep down I knew the answer and it was like I wanted to torment myself by hearing him say it.

 

My boyfriend isn't my physical ideal either - but I would never say it to him. I find him physically attractive with all of his features - I don't see any as 'negative points.' He's the sum of all of his parts, I guess. This despite knowing that most people probably would find him unattractive - he has a birthmark covering a large portion of his face. I have never minded it - and in fact, I've grown to find it an attractive part of him.

 

None of us will have the typical Hollywood-looking guy as a boyfriend (most likely), and I'm fine with that. Am I just being too hung-up and sensitive to this comment? I know that I'm sensitive about my weight. Or...is it something you never admit to? If you didn't find an overweight woman attractive - just because of her weight - would you avoid dating her?

 

Part of me almost feels like this relationship is a lie - that he settled with me at the time because I was the best that he could get. And I know deep-down that I'm upset because men have never really checked me out. They progressively check me out more and more as I lose weight, but that's all. I always feel like second best.

 

Has anyone else dealt with this issue - not feeling attractive to your partner? For the record, we have had a shaky sex-life from the start. It only started to improve when we moved in together and I started birth control, although it's still not quite frequent or good.

[Lorelai]

Either way I intend to lose weight - regardless of my boyfriend's feelings about my size, I'm not thrilled about it and I want to get down to a healthier weight. For my own future, but also for looks.

 

Still, I guess there's some part of me that wants my boyfriend to find me attractive NOW as I find him attractive now - even though he's got a beer belly. There's some part of me that wants that physical attraction to be unconditional. I don't feel a change in how I felt for him when he was thin and in shape versus how he is now. Maybe it's different for men and women - or even maybe just for me. If he put on another 30 I think I'd still be as ready to bang 'im as I was when he was at an average weight.

 

Maybe I've read too much into the weight comment. For me, it's hard to separate that while he might not find my weight physically attractive, he might find me as a whole physically attractive. Even if he were thrilled about my size right now, it wouldn't stop me from losing weight - I'm not really doing it for him. But I feel, as a result of doing it while with him, I'm working to get love/approval/etc. from him.

 

I realize this may not make sense. But at the moment, it makes sex feel like an impossibility here forward. I am forevermore going to be self-conscious about my size now, knowing how strongly he disapproves of it. How could I feel turned on? It's not like it's just my hair color or something - something that's a small fraction of my body or that could very easily be changed with a dye job. Weight takes a long time to change and it covers your entire body!

 

Sweetie, it's not healthy for you to be with someone who makes you feel bad about yourself. If you're anything like me, food can very easily become a comfort when you feel depressed or upset... and that will sabotage even the best diet plan.

 

My grandmother told this story when I was younger -- she's always been somewhat overweight. The most I ever recall her weighing was about 145 lbs at 5'2, which is below the threshold where doctors would offer a person assistance to lose weight -- so while she could have been a bit healthier if she lost some, her weight was not a significant health issue for her. After her and Grandpa were married for about five years, he was watching her get dressed one morning and commented negatively on her weight (not something awful or degrading, just asking if she'd considered dieting). Her response? "You knew I was fat when you married me, so just hush your mouth." He never said another word to her about it.

 

I agree 100% that I would want someone who loved and was attracted to me no matter what I looked like, and I don't think that's unreasonable. If a guy is going to criticize your looks now, how is he going to treat you when you're the size of a house because you're carrying his child? When your boobs start to really sag? When time marches on, right across your face? No one's body stays the same with time.

 

By the way... 20 lbs in two months is losing a bit faster than recommended, though not by a lot. I'm glad they're gone, for your sake. But as tempting as it is to crash diet and lose weight quickly, remember that extremely rapid weight loss causes much worse issues with loose skin than losing at 1-2 lbs a week. Very low calorie diets also can do a number on your metabolism.

 

I've been working on my weight for over two years now, and am 85 lbs less than I was at my highest weight. It can be done. I'm thrilled I did it. And by saying what I have here, I'm certainly not suggesting that you "stay fat", and I don't think anyone else here was either. But I stand by my assertion that if the person you're with is so hung up over body type in the beginning of a relationship they are not marriage material. Lose weight for yourself and for your health, not to make a man happy.

[WhisperinnWinds]

I'd like to emphasize I'm not doing it for him - I've gone on various exercise and diet plans throughout my life, regardless of the presence or absence of men. I was getting tired of looking at myself in the mirror. I feel like a byproduct of losing weight now is that I'm getting more love, appreciation and respect from him - things that I wish were there in the first place. I don't want those things to be 'earned' by aesthetics.

 

He is not trying to lose weight. He stopped drinking pop a few months ago (but that was more a concern with his teeth). I have invited him to go to the gym with me a few times. He resists. My boyfriend is about 170 lbs at 5'6" on a slight frame. I've got more weight to lose than he does, and he still, despite being overweight, looks like an average guy.

 

He says he's too intimidated to go to the gym. I don't push it, but if he's home and I'm going, I do extend the invitation (it's at our apartment complex - and almost no one is ever in there. Every then and again, there's one other person).

 

He likes to go for walks sometimes, but in the summer heat he often doesn't. I have invited him to go to our swimming pool several times (I still wear a tankini, but no swim trunks for me). He resists that too. I stopped asking because he ended up getting irritable with me. I don't think he's depressed - he's very happy with his job, hobbies and friends.

 

He does tell me that I'm pretty, beautiful, what have you. He has gently encouraged me lately and compliments me when he notices weight loss. He explained away some of his food comments by saying that he was only trying to help me - and I told him that it didn't help. If anything, it made me feel forced and trapped.

 

Sometimes he gets into loops of complimenting me physically - but in the past it would be weeks or months before he ever said anything about my looks. When I mentioned it to him, suddenly he started. It made me feel like I had to put the idea into his head to make him think about me in that way.

 

I don't think I was made to be fat and I don't have any health conditions keeping me that way. Before living with my boyfriend, I lived in a very stressful environment - mentally and physically. Once I got out of it, I could concentrate more on my appearance (hence the weight loss).

 

Being realistic here, I know that everyone has features they hate or dislike about their partner. I feel very vulnerable now. It's like if you know your partner hates something else about your looks - consciously or not, you may find yourself trying to minimize or hide it. You want to present yourself in the best light to your partner, right?

 

At the moment I feel like I'd die if I ever had to walk around without pants in front of him again. I feel like my sex life is now postponed until I get to an 'acceptable' size. While I'm not thrilled about my size now, I still went about my life and praised myself for my gradual progress toward the goal. I'm not happy with my size either.

 

I'm very embarrassed and discouraged. On the one hand, yes, there's the reasoning: "If it bothered him so much, why is he dating you?" I wouldn't be shocked if a lot of it was inspired by loneliness. He had been single for a few years when we started dating, and he's anti-social. He claims that he thinks I'm far better-looking between the two of us.

 

He is far from physically perfect. But I would never tell him, "Your beer bully is unattractive and a negative point" or "Your birthmark is an unattractive and negative point. Go get that sucker lasered."

 

I chose to be with him. I love him. I am not going to tell him he has unacceptable features. Of course I will encourage him toward healthier behavior. But I'd imagine he would not be feeling great himself if he saw me constantly and unapologetically looking at guys with washboard abs, or tall guys (a point of contention of his) or guys who don't, well, have any kind of visible birthmarks or things like that.

 

I think that the role of a romantic partner is to build each other up and not to focus on the 'bad' features, especially if one partner is working to improve it. I would never tell him that any feature about him is ugly. I feel like our messages are mixed. I'm telling him he's attractive and I would never change anything about him.

 

As far as my diet - I eat 2k calories a day. I'm younger - it's been about 8 weeks, so on average I've lost about 2.5 pounds a week (but I've actually lost a little under 20 pounds). I strength train to get rid of a higher body fat percentage - which is commonly called 'excess skin' when they've lost all the weight (i.e., they have lost a lot of muscle but still have a relatively high body fat percentage...hence all the blob looking stuff).

[Ms. Joolie]

So what are you two really going to do now that you've decided you aren't each others physical type ?

 

Keep talking about it or leave or stay??

 

Have sex over it??

Edited June 17, 2011 by Ms. Joolie

[GivenUp0083]

Speak for yourself on the "overweight" part. I prefer my men with broad shoulders and enough padding so that they're comfortable to cuddle with. The guy I was with for five years was 5'10 and 200 lbs. That's nearly a 29 BMI -- almost obese. But he also demonstrates the problem with BMI as a way to measure a person's weight... as I said, he had broad shoulders. Muscle weighs more than fat.

 

I can admire the beauty of a man with a reasonable amount of muscle and low body fat -- watching this one guy chop firewood when I lived in a commune was like watching a sculpture in motion. But while I could recognize the physical beauty, I was not attracted to him.

 

I'm sure that there are men who have had similar experiences -- they might be able to recognize a woman's beauty without actually being attracted to them. I don't think I'm too odd there. But maybe I am. I dunno.

 

What are you talking about? I'm not talking about BMI and I'm not talking about broad, husky, muscular boyd types....I'm talking about FAT people.

 

No one is attracted to that other than those with a fat fetish.

 

I'm 5'8" 190 lbs and I run a 40 in 5.2 seconds. I'm very athletic. So saying someone is muscular but their weight is higher than their BMI as "overweight" is not anything close to what I'm talking about.