scarletpastel Posted April 19, 2004 Posted April 19, 2004 My boyfriend and I have been together for 2 1/2 years. We have a very close relationship, with many promises from him of marriage in the future. He works full time, and goes to school full time to finish his Masters. He is 31 years old, and living at his parents house. He has been screwed over (cheated on) by almost all of his ex's before me. This has created MAJOR phobias in commitment to me. In August last year i was moving to a new apartment, and he agreed to move with me in January. So I got a 2 bedroom apartment, and figured I could wait. In January he started paying rent, but never moved in. When I finally ultimatumed him with move in or break up, he had a panic attack and said he just couldn't do it. He came to MY/OUR apartment, and cried (litteraly) for 2 hours how his body just wont let him do what he wants to do. How he loves me more than anything. He offered that he wants to go to counceling for this. I said that if he could move in a few boxes a day, we could slowly get somewhere. That I would be keeping an eye out to see if it actually happened, and the ultimatum still stands. It has been a week, and only one box so far has appeared, and it contains 6 textbooks. Granted, he is working on his dissertation, but has come over just to see me and has not brought things with him. I do not want to push it, as this is now in his hands. I did offer to move his stuff for him, but he said no. Do I start to prepare for the breakup? How long do I wait? Peace scarlet
bluechocolate Posted April 20, 2004 Posted April 20, 2004 He's 31 years old and still lives with his parents, had major problems with almost all of his ex's, promises to move in then doesn't........... I think you've waited long enough. Also, I don't think you should have to make an ultimatum to someone to have them move in with you. If he loves you and wants to live with you he would be there.
Tsylana Posted May 5, 2004 Posted May 5, 2004 Sounds like your boyfriend has a anxiety disorder known as commitment-phobia. Highly recommend you read Steven Carters books on the topic. I also highly recommend you take him up on his offer to get therapy.
jasmine04 Posted October 29, 2005 Posted October 29, 2005 tsylana... do you have any advice for me? my bf/sometimes-ex has serious commitment phobia for sure. i read "men who can't love.." but i'd really like to know if there is hope... or is it really up to him to work on himself.... ? it's been over 5 years.. in year 3 i got pregnant.. then he really ramped up the defenses.. i had a horrible horrible pregnancy... i moved back to OK from WA where we were dating. he is now a great dad.. even lured me back from OK with the prospect of marriage. i got here a month ago.. of course now he has reverted to once again, picking me apart, sabotaging our relationship and after only 5 weeks wants to be free to date other ppl.. well, don't i feel like an idiot.. except i feel i have better job opps in WA anyway.. and I didn't like that my parents had to help me out so much in OK, they are pretty dysfunctional anyway.. so i guess i'm okay to stay here so long as i can get a decent job... but i just don't even know how to handle seeing him so much since he always wants to see our daughter. I feel like i want a completely new life... even though i now have a child and no marriage (marriage is VERY important to me) I've been so mis-treated because of his phobia - which by the way, he STILL won't admit to - that I feel like he is almost like a devil to me... (b/c of the picking apart to prove to himself that i will suffocate or ruin his life... )i am loving and forgiving and flexible and he has been great to our daughter but mostly the opposite to me and its like living in a hell seeing him so often and being treated the way i am... he wants to be very distant and secretive.. and if i ask too many questions or am too "cozy" or anything he freaks out and is horrible to me. anyway, if it were up to me, i'd run away to a nice sunny place - just me and my baby girl.. but with financial constraints... he is supporting me... and even when i get more financially independant he will be in the same city and will demand to see her.. but i feel so abused and i'm so hurt and angry about the way he has treated me.. i just don't even know how i'm going to get by if i have to see his face and even if he is "civl" i don't want to feel those bad feelings he has worked to hard to make me feel so i will "Break up with him" - the worst part is that he said lots of those bad things today.. then turns right around and says "i never want to hurt you. i love you and care about you" what a bunch of bull... i practically hate him right now but at the same time .. all i want is for him to love me and stop being such a self-centered hateful jerk.. and if he can't do that.. God, i just want to get away... i realize he has a serious problem but its not easy forgiving that kind of abuse. thanks for any feedback. i think i've burned out my friends with the topic long ago... and that certainly hasn't helped the quality of my life... of course meanwhile he is always a party boy and constantly tells me he is so good to his friends and well, they appreciate him and he is always helping them... and how other ppl know how to give without asking for anything and how i am such a bitch... its so abusive... i can't believe that he can't see it. honestly, i know i've been really good to him... from great home-cooked dinners... a listening ear.. i make him CDs.... i've been the ONLY present parent much of the time.. AND i've forgiven his sluttiness... oh and before our baby.. we used to have amazing sex... he is horrible... yet at the same time so charming.. and his friends love him but he makes me out to be a bitch to justify himself.. how can i help myself and/or him... because i think he is sick - i feel like i desperately need help not only for my own sanity but for our child as well... like i say - if it were so easy i'd cut him off.. my five year plan includes a big move out of state..... but until then... how do i deal with him???? i know the real answer is that if i let him have his space he'll be nice.. he is paying for my apt but how can i be "cordial" to someone who has mistreated me so badly... and watch him laugh and play with our baby while i get a short curt "hi. thanks. bye" its heart-breaking .... i put out so much but he just responds with fear and paranoia... even if i don't put out anything.. i'm so angry.... how can i be expected to forgive so quickly when he has said the worst things???? i'm so angry and burnt out... wow, sorry so long... i'm just happy to have a place to get my feelings out.. i'm having a really rough time forgiving him... although i did my part in enabling him... it still doesn't make it right for him to have treated me so... thanks for any advice again, Jasmine
chilly14 Posted November 12, 2005 Posted November 12, 2005 I'm 18 years old, and although that may seem young, after looking up information on the internet the only conclusion I can think of is that I'm a CP. I'm an attractive, intelligent girl that is outgoing and friendly. I did not have a rough childhood, so I don't think that is the root of my problem. It is probably the fact that the first guy I ever really got close to ended up rejecting me, so now the fear of rejection is so strong that I can't bear to feel it ever again. Whenever I find that a boy is interested in me, I'll think of any excuse possible that will stop be from allowing myself to get close to the person. It usually is a boy that I'm very interested in, but when he becomes interested in return, I'll completely lose any interest I ever had in the guy. It usually ends up with me seeming to have let him on, and maybe that is the truth, but I don't mean to be like that... I'll just get so nervous and anxious... I'll make up any excuse possible, he's too tall for me, his teeth aren't perfect....I don't mean to hurt these boys!! I still regret certain relationships that I think may have been successful.. but due to my stupidity and inability to think rationally, time after time I force these guys out of my life. I'll be totally interested and willing to pursue a relationship, and then in an instant something will click in my mind and I'll be totally over the person. The reason I decided to look up information about this "syndrome" is that there is one guy in my life now that I'm scared to lose. He's been a friend of mine for years, and that friendship has sparked into something more in the past few months. He doesn't live in the area though anymore, so I don't see him very often. I thought I would get over him quickly because of that, but it seems that everytime he comes to visit I'll fall for him all over again. Last Saturday he admitted his true feelings for me, and how much I really mean to him, and I told him the same. He's so good to me, yet not overly dependant and always knows the right thing to say. He told me that he was coming to visit this weekend, and I was excited to actually see him. However, by the time Wednesday came along, I had come up with every excuse in the world as to why nothing could ever happen with him, and decided that I no longer had feelings for him. I don't understand how I can possibly think that though when he's basically everything I've ever wanted in a guy... I guess I'm self-conscious of being rejected when he gets to know me even better than he already does, but I don't really know the real reason... I really want something to happen because I've been single for way too long and I love being with him.... but I just don't know what to tell him. I guess I'll tell him the truth, that I'm scared of commitment and getting close to people... and from there we'll see how it goes!
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