I dont know where to go from here

[miserable1]

I've been with my (now ex-)girlfriend for almost 2 and a half years and she dumped me on Tuesday night.

 

We've been arguing quite a lot recently. Theres so much to this I don't know if I can write it all down. The first major falling out we had was way back around a year ago. She told me she loved me first, within a few months of us meeting. I didn't reciprocate but she stayed by my side. I wanted to tell her, but I was just so scared of being hurt by her in the long run as she was so unique, she could break me so easily (as I am now finding out).

 

A year after we had been seeing each other, I still hadn't told her I loved her, but I did, more than I could comprehend. That was our first big fall out, she couldnt handle me not loving her so I said it there and then. We ended the conversation with me not really knowing what happened. She went away with her friends that weekend, and she kissed another man. I had to coaxe that information out of her, and each time there was more to the what happened. When I first asked she said she just kissed briefly. Gradually it turned in to several times for several minutes. She said she felt like we were broken up. It killed me. I can still relive those moments when I was so close to walking away, but I just loved her too damn much. She was "totally in love with me" so she had the energy to try harder.

 

And it was amazing. It was so incredible. I was reading through the cards (xmas, anniversary, valentines) and she says that 2010 was the best year of her life, as was mine.

 

But 2011 has been way off, but I didn't realise how much.

 

Towards the back end of 2010, I have bought a flat which is 5mins walk from where she lives at the moment and we had plans to move in together around August/September time. We talked a lot about our future, kids names and how many. Home furnishings etc. I just got so excited about what we have together and what we would have in the future. She is a teacher and doesn't enjoy it so she has taken up a part time BSc course. As you can imagine this has involved a LOT of stress and pressure. We talked before she began that it is going to be tough and we need to have a lot of patience. I've been there for her every step of the way - helped her with anything wherever I can. But not emotionally.

 

It all came crashing down Sat 28th May. Her housemates, her best friend from Oz and I all went out bowling and drinking. This was the day of the Champions League final. I'm a huge Manchester United fan and we lost the game. I was really disappointed and I rarely let football ruin a good time. I asked before i met up with all of them to please not mention it. One of her friends, who many people have said has a problem with me whereas I think she hates men as she came out of a rough relationship, said something really mean so i flipped one of those floppy plastic cd cases at her with a cd inside. This girl took it as if I had insulted her mother. I regretted it instantly, but I hesitated to apologise. Before I could, my girlfriend stepped in and made me feel <> this small. I accepted that because I should have apologised. This was the catalyst to everything it seems.

 

She told me she needs time to sort her head out. She was busy revising for exams and said she needs to focus on them. I respected that, but I couldn't go on knowing that she could just turn it off. I chased her and she eventually agreed to talk on the Tuesday evening after her first of 2 exams. I ran over, shaking and feeling so ill mentally. We had a really productive talk for about 3 hours and I really felt like this was it now, we're back and we can sort this out. She said her main problem was that she struggles to get her emotions out. So we decided to let them out as soon as they happen. No mind games no messing around.

 

For 2 weeks, it was great, we spent so much time together, had fun at the zoo and cooked together at my (soon to be our) place. We'd talk about personal things and I started reading the books she loves so we could talk about more things that matter to us.

 

The weekend before things went wrong, her father came down for the weekend. We spent the whole Saturday all together and the Sunday. I said I may not be able to come on Sunday as I am struggling with money keeping hold of my flat. But she was really upset and I went. I didnt regret it and I said it was great being out with both of them. They came back to my flat and my gf talked about how she will have to send things back home when she moves in with me, touching on the future and me just grinning ear to ear.

 

I have always tried to get in to the music she likes. She has always said that we don't have much in common, but I think that's irrelevant. I believe we can share what we love and enjoy it even more together.

 

Its her birthday in July, so I bought her tickets to her favourite band who haven't toured for ages. She hasn't seen them live for almost 8 years I think, and we used to talk about going to more gigs together. So I managed to buy some ridiculously priced tickets as an early birthday present. She was so excited. I thought that would show how much I think about her. But the night of the gig is went it went bad again.

 

On the way there, everything was perfect. Weather was nice, we had a few drinks and some food and were really both excited to be there together. I'll be honest, I think I had a bit too much to drink, not enough to be completely hammered, but I was very tipsy.

 

Once they came on stage, we jumped around and enjoyed it. She didn't jump around with me or near me, she didn't even look at me.

So after a while, I was tired and bruised from the barging, I headed to the back of the venue for some space. When she found me at the end I was upset that she didn't consider to include me in the fun she was having. She said I was being too greedy and we had a silent trip back to her place. I accused her of being drunk and not including me, which she didn't understand. I stupidly asked her to choose between me at the back being sad or seeing them, she said she would see them. That really hurt at the time because her eyes just didn't seem normal. She didn't look at me like she usually does. She went on to say that its over for us and she can't do anything else. I tried to change her mind but she wouldnt have any of it and said she had to sleep. I went back to my place and just wept. I called her the next day at lunch and calmly asked her if she had changed her mind. She said no and would be around later to pick up her things she had left at mine for when she stays over.

 

She came over, I had already packed her things thinking that would help me say goodbye to her - it didnt. She said she has no energy or belief in us anymore. She said the idea of what we could have is just that, an idea. I cried uncontrollably and couldnt stop - she left.

 

That was on Wednesday. It's Friday and I'm even worse than before. I've read around saying dont get in touch, but I got in touch with her friend and found out my ex-gf hadn't told her yet. I didnt know if that was good or bad. I explained the story and this friend couldn't believe it, she said it doesnt sound like the person we both know and love. She's put it down to stress. I want to believe it and I think I do, so now I still hope to sort this out.

 

I tried NC, but after 24 hours I failed. I went around to hers late last night and saw her light on. I called her and wanted to try to sort things out. I didn't go in all guns blazing or anything. i was initially very calm. But the more we talked, the less she wanted to hear anything I said. She said she couldn't be sad any longer. She doesn't know if she loved me, yet the weekend before she was talking about the future to her dad!!!!!

 

I've had really bad thoughts. For example, on the way to work there was a fire incident on the train I take and for a few seconds I just stood reading it and wished I was there when it happened. I cry all the time. I'm at work right now and I have to rush off to the bathroom to just get my tears out at the thought of never being able to hug her or hold her hand or say hello baby on the phone to her again.

 

None of my friend seem to understand what I'm going through. The only person that seems to be on my side is her best friend, who has said she won't tell my gf that we've spoken unless I want her to. She thinks I should keep trying because thats what my gf would really want. Thats why I think NC would not work. She would think that I didn't want us to work out and i've given up. I don't want her to think that at all!!!!!

 

I'm just completely lost. I have no focus in life apart from her. I can't think about anything else apart from her and us. I haven't been eating or sleeping much. I went to a special place me and her found when we first started seeing each other, but we never managed to go back there, but we both said we should. I keep going back. I miss her so much.

 

Please don't tell me to not hurt or be strong because I don't feel I can without her.

[LjHappyDays]

Hiya,

 

well this is maybe just a break period i mean it doesnt sound extreme as 'Right thats it its over'

 

Neither of you seem to have done anything wrong, so what i think is that you both need to cool down and decide if you want eachother.

 

I believe NC is when you shouldnt talk to them becos it would be bad for you. I think maybe just leaving her for a while? And yourself, enjoy your own comapny, let her no your thinking about her but dont beg her back or anything.

 

Has she actually said 'its over?'

 

from what i can gather you had an argument and did things you should have?

[miserable1]

Thanks for reading all that, LjHappyDays.

 

She has said its over. Last night, on Wednesday evening and on Tuesday evening. I asked her if she has any belief in us, she said no. I asked if she loves me, she said she doesnt know, which sounded more like a no. I asked her if there was anything inside her that could make us want to work, she said she doesnt want to be back being sad and then going through all this again.

 

When we've argued, big or small, previously she has always said afterwards how I didn't try to work things out. I dont want her to think I have given up - nothing is further from the truth.

[LjHappyDays]

I totally understand why she doesnt want to be in an unhappy relationship, but it doesnt sound like it was a unhappy relationship.

 

I think sometimes people just need a break, and sometimes it is for the best.

 

All i think is everything happens for a reason. I no exactly what your going thru as i have just recently split up with my ex of 2 years.

 

Show her you are serious about this relationship, but dont hassle her too much because she clearly needs space.

Although its the hardest thing ever dont make out to her that you will always be waiting , cos if she cant make up her mind shes leaving u in limbo...

[miserable1]

It wasnt for the most part or from what I believed. I can understand she wasnt fully happy with it for the last few weeks due to stress and us falling out prior, but I just want some honesty and communication. Without that I don't know anything is good or bad.

 

Its not just the length of the relationship that has got me down. I was with my previous girlfriend for almost 4 years but I never loved her as much as my current ex girlfriend. Everytime I write that "ex-" word I almost break down.

 

I would love to be able to get up and say I'm not going to hurt over her and do things with my life. But I just have no desire to do anything. I don't eat anymore. I had 3 bites of an apple for breakfast and I'm forcing the smallest pot of pasta down my mouth because I just feel so weak.

 

From advice of her best friend I talked about above, I've written a letter and have bought something she loves to put in the envelope and I'll be dropping it off tonight. This same girl is skyping my ex-girlfriend Saturday, at which point she should have received the flowers I've sent her too.

 

I just feel like I'm dying inside

[LjHappyDays]

I must say i was the same ive hardly eaten much the past few weeks which i no is bad, ive been out with my friends 24/7 which has kept my mind off it.

 

Its a bad feeling to have absolutely it really is, but to come out of this stronger you have to go through the bad patches.

 

Relationships are never perfect you have this image of how lovely it was - and yeah it was but you to workj hard at it didnt you!

 

Relationships take alot of dedication and women (and men) both need attention in the relationship, its a two way thing.

 

I hope the flowers make her see sense and if not then seriously coming on LS has helped me incredibly.

 

I no at the moment you think there is nothing left, but from what we have said i think its maybe just a break she needs.

 

Hobbies, freinds, family etc for the time being will keep you occupied.

 

My relationship the last few weeks was a struggle beciuase although you love the person you just think well im sick of all this.

 

She will be in pieces to remember that. Give her some space...

[miserable1]

I'm trying but the only person who seems to understand me and be on my side is her friend who will be skyping together tomorrow - that seems to be all I'm pinning my hopes on.

 

My family have never seen this in me before so they just expect me to 'man up' so to speak.

 

I wish you could hear how she spoke to me on the phone last night, she doesnt sound like she is in pieces. She was so cold, it was awful to hear her speak to me like that. But I still love her more than anything.

[miserable1]

I really need all of your help.

 

I posted her a letter earlier tonight. I haven't heard from her.

 

I was walking home from a friend's house who kindly agreed to keep me company for the evening, and I just instinctively walked to 'her' house. I'm walking past tabbi's again, I just wanted to give her a call like i used to and fall asleep with her and wake up next to her in the morning.

[HeartOfAPhoenix]

two mistakes really pop out at me here. but luckily they aren't to drastic.

 

mistake 1: you keep making contact which shows you are desperate and needy (not attractive).

 

go NC for a minimum of 21 days (3 weeks). if you have her number in your phone change the name to "has it been 3 weeks yet?".after 3 weeks typically the peak of loneliness sets in because it gives the dumper time to cool off and really analyse the relationship.

 

NC is also for you as well, it will give you time to seriously think about the relationship and not act on impulse when the time comes to make contact again. And I know you might not think this now but you might analyse the relationship and decide you don't want her back, and that is also fine. you can then continue NC and be 3 weeks into the healing process already, win/win.

 

mistake 2: buying gifts, this shows you are desperate and needy (not attractive).

 

 

if your ex is anything like mine she will contact you when you think "she would never contact me now." then it will be your choice as to whether you respond or not, which means you will then have the ball in your court.

 

 

 

and for the record I also made these mistakes....

[miserable1]

I know what you're saying is what should happen, but I just can't let go. I really can't. I just don't have that willpower inside me to believe she genuinely doesnt want this to work. So therefore I don't want to get to 3 weeks or 3 months later and still not have her as a part of my life.

 

I'm just doing terribly. A friend luckily let me spend the evening at hers (she has a bf) and we just played games and talked etc. I think I managed to forget about this whole situation for a maximum of a couple of minutes.

 

I just got up to go and have a shower, I opened my cupboard and there was her tshirt. I chose not to pack it when she came to collect her stuff. I also bought from my parents house the cards she MADE and wrote for me. Just on valentines day she said how she wants us to last for a long time to come.

And I just cry and cry and cry.

 

I was walking back to my flat last night and I live near the river. I stood by the river and thought about some really bad ideas. I feel as though if I can't have her, I don't want to be here.

Looking through other posts, people talk about their ex going with another person. If that happened, that would truly destroy me.

 

One of my best friends has tried to convince me to not get in touch with her, get busy, do things to show her that I'm moving on. But it just doesnt make sense to me to do that.

 

Please help. I know I'm really bad at taking on advice, but just knowing that someone is trying to help really does me so much good. Because it seems some of the people I have told just want me to do things their way, and if I don't then they just seem to lose patience.

[mtd4249]

miserable1 -- I can appreciate how you feel because I have had (and to some extent still do have) the same sense of lifelessness since my ex left me. But, before I share my experience with you togive you some comparison and so you know you're not going through this alone, the first thing I want to say is you need to see a doctor immediately. If you're having suicidal thoughts, then you have severe depression and a doctor will be able to give you medication (and probably recommend counselling) to help get your mind back on track. I can't emphasize the importance of this -- in the mid 1990s, I had a friend kill himself over a girl. He was in his mid-20s, a good looking guy with a good job - yet he felt that life was meaningless without this girl but it's not worth it. Occasionally I have had dark thoughts - it's only natural at times like this - but if you do seriously contemplate suicide, see a doctor ... it's not a sign of weakness to admit you have depression.

It has been 5 months now since my ex left me. I'm 41 and she is 36, and we had been together for 16 years. Over that time, we had gone so far together - we had built two new houses (one just 3 years ago) and built so many memories together through travels around the world. About 5 years ago, we moved interstate to secure a good job for me but this was a move away from her family and mine. In the years between moving and now, there were some stresses - for instance, she had problems with her new job, we had the stress of building a new house, we both had some health problems, and her favourite dog died last year. But, we had managed to get to a point where she could give up work and start a family. We had never separated before and there were no arguments - but as it turns out the no arguments were a sign that she was not a good communicator. Then one day (the day after her 36th birthday) she came home and said she needed space. She took 3 months' leave from her job and the following week went back to the city from where we came to be with family, under the pretence she was coming back after 3 months. As soon as she got there, she started drinking heavily, nightclubbing, was very distant, was saying the cliche things to me like "i love you but not in love with you" and "I settled down to young". I even sent her flowers and a necklace in the first week she was away but she told me I was trying to manipulate her! After two weeks, I found out she had met some random guy online and was having a phone sex fling with him. From there it was downhill and she never returned -- we're now splitting assets and that's the end of 16 years!!

For me the depression has been exacerbated by the fact that I never gained too many friends in this new city since moving here (I focused all my energy on her), I have no family here and everything reminds me of her (from the house I'm living in that we designed and built 3 years ago to the places in town we would visit). Even going through the photo albums to work out the photos I wanted was just too painful -- I couldn't physically bring myself to do it.

So, I know exactly how you are feeling and what you're going through. And, like you I don't take other people's advice all that well!! Everyone will tell you that in time you will feel better and chin up -- but that's little consolation. The real issue here is that you obviously loved this girl deeply and it's still early days - your wounds are only fresh and I know that every day seems not to get better. For me, there was nothing else I could think of -- I had to take 5 months leave from work because I just couldn't function and I still really have no interest in my job or anything else that once made my world turn. I have a sense you are in exactly the same spot.

It helps to talk about what your thinking and feeling - blogs like this are helpful, talk to family and friends, try to get an appointment with a counsellor, and definitely see a doctor as you are clearly suffering depression. It's also okay to cry! It's a natural part of the grieving process -- I even found myself crying one night at the supermarket where her and I shopped together!! So, let it out when and wherever the urge takes you.

If you're anything like me, you probably don't have an appetite -- I would (and sometimes still do) sleep until the middle of the day because it's easier than facing another day without the ex, but that also meant I would miss a meal each day. For me, it was a double whammy because my ex had always cooked for 16 years and the isolation of living alone made preparing and eating a meal seem so pointless. I lost my appetite and when I did eat I almost had nausea because I was so upset and my mind was churning over and over. There's not much you can do about that - you can't force yourself to eat a big meal if you don't feel like it but it's important you do eat. At the very least, have (for instance) a banana and glass of milk and take a multi-vitamin supplement each day to make up for the gaps in your diet.

The other piece of advice I can give is try not to torture yourself by keeping momentos of the past as a constant reminder -- her shirt and cards are just like salt on a wound at the moment. Don't necessarily throw them away, but put them in a box and at the back of a cabinet. For your own well being, you have to put those things aside and be strong enough not to look at them right now. Again, I know exactly how you feel about this -- for months, my ex's clothes were hanging in the walk-in-robe I would pass through every day to have a shower. It was a constant reminder of her - I could even smell her on them!! The memories in our mind will be enough to sort through - when going through a breakup we don't also need material memories to make things worse. A lot of the battle getting through this is psychological - getting your head in the right space is hard and will take time (maybe a lot of time). So, to make sure you get to that right space as quickly as possible, you have to start helping yourself.

Stay strong!