Heartfull Posted June 17, 2011 Posted June 17, 2011 Currently, I feel like my husband and I are headed for separation, maybe even divorce. We've been married 18 years, and have been together for 22. We have 3 children, two of which are special needs. We've been through some really hard times and survived, so it makes me a bit sad to know we've come to this. About 2 1/2 years ago, my husband's workplace demoted him. He took this very hard and went into a depression. I feel I was supportive and encouraging, and urged him to do something to help himself with his depression. He eventually started to take depression medication and this did help with his mood and the short temper that he has. But, things were still difficult because he took the demotion as a personal attack. I felt for him since he is the sole bread winner of the family. I have been a stay-at-home mom for most of our marriage. It was something we both agreed on from the start since our kids need extra attention. Since the demotion, I have really been carrying even more of the load because he pretty much checked out. We started to argue a lot more, he got caught up in playing an online game for hours on end, and even seemed to purposefully find ways to be away from home. Even when he was home he wasn't really there, as he was either zoned out on the computer or the television. So many nights I tried to talk to him and tell him how lonely I was, and that we needed to find some time for us, but he would just get mad at me for keeping him up late since bedtime is the only time we have to talk without distraction. He would eventually roll over and I would cry myself to sleep. Recently, everything got to be too much for me and I had a breakdown. I've started to take depression medication, and it's helped, but of course the problems are still there. At almost the same time my husband decided to stop taking his because he felt better and he claimed it's too expensive. Yet, right at this moment he's on a trip that cost quite a bit of money and there was not talking him out of it. Anyway, I guess I've been putting up with this for a long time. He has always been one to keep things from me, and has a secretive nature. About 5 years ago it came out that he and his best friend, who I never met, had been seeing each other for lunch pretty frequently. At the same time, and ex-boyfriend called me to catch up. I told my husband, but I kept it secret that we kept talking. I won't make excuses, it took me back to old feelings. He was in Iraq at the time, and when he came back to the States he called an invited me to lunch, but I told him I didn't think that would be right. My husband ended up finding out and got really upset and jealous. He's always been very jealous. He wouldn't talk to me, or forgive me. But, a few days later the phone rang and he went running out the front door with it. It ends up his best friend's husband was calling because he thought they were having an affair. I just thought, what a hypocrite my husband was. We moved past it, but he has still had friendships I'm not a part of. It almost seems like he keeps me hidden from some of his friends and I don't know why. Now, after so much time has gone by with him neglecting us, I don't feel like I'm in love with him anymore. Now he tells me that he knows he's been a horrible husband and father, and is open to therapy and meds. He wants me to believe that he'll change and say I'll try, but I don't know if I can. I'm looking for advice anywhere I can get it. Sometimes I feel like maybe I'm being too hard on him. We are still friends. But then I think of how he's neglected us and the lies he's told and I just think maybe I should tell him I can't do this anymore. I'm so confused.
Exit Posted June 17, 2011 Posted June 17, 2011 The choice is really all yours. Does any part of you believe him that he is ready to change and wants to work on this? It's certainly better to hear that from someone than to hear him say that none of it is his fault or that there's nothing he needs to change. Try to find out how serious he is about it, ask him if he's actually going to get in touch with some therapists and when he would be able to fit the appointments into his schedule. Ask him if he is really truly open to taking medication again if it is prescribed to him. Make sure he isn't just telling you what you want to here, make sure there is some weight behind his words. I tend to always believe in people, I never know when to call it quits, so if I were in your shoes, I'm sure I would have a hard time letting 22 years go without one more try. Ask yourself where you would rather end up. Do you want to give up now, and will you still be comfortable with your decision at some point in the future, or will you look back and wonder if another try could have worked? Or would you rather try again, and then if it still doesn't work out, you can leave with the confidence and comfort of knowing that you gave it your best? If you feel that he has made promises before and not kept them, perhaps you should think of leaving if it will be better for you. If you think he could possible be sincere... it will take a lot of communication and work to see it through.
whichwayisup Posted June 17, 2011 Posted June 17, 2011 How old are your kids? If they are at school all day, I suggest getting a part time job to get you used to working again.. IF you two do divorce, it'll be healthier and better for you to have your own money and job, not just spousal support. Ok, with that said, I think you two need to try to fix things. Do marriage counselling together and apart, but use the same person. Each of you have your issues and things that have happened, his seemed to be driven by feeling like a failure, and not being a provider for the family (this is a big thing for men) which depressed him and then he made some bad choices, the online game, neglecting you and the kids, meeting another woman and at best, have an emotional affair with her, possibly a full-on affair.. And then you were lonely, met someone that made you feel alive again.. 22 years together is a lot of history, too much to just walk away from without giving it your best. If things don't work out then atleast you both will know you gave it your best..Imagine walking away and having a divorce, then realizing you made a mistake and regretted not trying to fix things.
Mr.Harris Posted June 17, 2011 Posted June 17, 2011 You've been fooling around with an old flame and your husband is jealous? No he's not, and he has a right to be angry. Just because he has guy friends you don't know about doesn't mean it's okay for you to cheat on him.
findingmeagain Posted June 17, 2011 Posted June 17, 2011 I think (if I read it correctly) the friend her husband has been having secret lunches with is a woman!! Thats why his friends husband called to ask if the two were having an affair!!
What_Next Posted June 17, 2011 Posted June 17, 2011 A bad situation, but not one that cannot be overcome. Firstly, these other people; the woman your husband was obviously having an EA with (don't split hairs, that is what it was), your old flame that you were contemplating having an affair with (again don't play coy) need to GO AWAY. They have to be 100% OUT OF THE PICTURE. If they are not then there is no point. Once that is the case you both need to decide whether you want to stay in the marriage or not. You must begin here. Are you SURE you are telling us the truth? Is there more to this story?
Author Heartfull Posted June 17, 2011 Author Posted June 17, 2011 Thank you for the advice everyone. I really appreciate it. Exit, I really take to heart what you had to say. That is how I do feel. I try to always see the good in people too. It helped to hear my thoughts validated by someone else. I have decided that I will give our marriage another shot. I know we both have lots of changes to make, but I'm not ready to give up. As for the situation where I was talking to an ex-boyfriend, that ended then. It was a few phone calls and it was done. As far as I know my husband stopped seeing the female best friend too. I have worked part-time jobs off and on through our marriage, but our daughter has had lots of health issues so it wasn't always easy. It was often better for me to stay home. She's functioning better now, but she's still a lot of work. She's developmentally delayed, is almost 10 and is more like a 4-5 year old. We have two boys a 17 year old, and almost 13 year old. The 13 year old has Asperger's. So, you can imagine I have my hands full. I do have a college degree and am planning on updating it. I had always planned on getting back into a career this year even before all this went down. I definitely want to be able to stand on my own feet no matter what happens. I've been faithful to my husband, there's nothing else to tell there. He however has had photos of random women in his phone. One of them was of a co-worker's friend that he thought was cute, and the other he denied taking. Though it was purposefully aimed he said his phone must have accidentally taken it. So, I have trust issues because I don't know when he's really telling the truth, and he's got his lying and jealousy. I can't even go for a run, which is a new thing for me I've been doing for a year, without him thinking I'm going to meet a lover. I've been trying to venture out and do more for myself lately, which I haven't done in a long time, and he constantly accuses me. I just know he and I both need therapy, and I plan on getting that going once he gets back from his trip.
Lexygirl Posted June 17, 2011 Posted June 17, 2011 Gosh, Heartfull, your story sounds so similar to mine and I feel your pain ! I'm not in a position to give you advice right now but just know I understand. If you have the time, perhaps you can read my story sometime. Take care, sweety.
forlorn11 Posted June 17, 2011 Posted June 17, 2011 Hi Heartfull, I am new here and haven't posted my story/dilemma but I wanted to tell you that I think our stories are a little similar. I think that after years of you trying to help your husband get out of us funk and be present in not only your marriage but your family, too, you have become exhausted. When you get married, you make a committment for better or for worse. But to what extent?? Is it right to suffer everyday of your life? I don't know how the others will feel about my post. My husband has been emotionally abusive to me for the greater part of our marriage (we are going on 8 years now; together 11). I don't know if you feel that is something in your marriage, too (emotional abuse). You need someone to love and support you. Do you think your husband still has that in him? Or are you at the point where this has dragged on for so long that it's too hard to try and pick up the pieces and put your marriage back together again?
Mauschen Posted June 17, 2011 Posted June 17, 2011 I recommend that the 2 of you read His Needs Her Needs by Dr. Harley. It talks about how to restore love and trust in a marriage. You can also read some information at marriagebuilders.com for advice. Oh, and your husband should never have a best friend that you don't know and who is a woman. Totally unacceptable.
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