Eternal Sunshine Posted June 17, 2011 Posted June 17, 2011 Just curious of your thoughts (obviously before getting engaged).
Dust Posted June 17, 2011 Posted June 17, 2011 Well before engagement you could get a promise ring. Talking about how you’d like to marry some one and get engaged to them when the time is right. Moving in together with the intent of the next step being an engagement. Being introduced to each others families. Being asked by lots of people when you are going to get married because of how close you guys are.
oaks Posted June 17, 2011 Posted June 17, 2011 Just curious of your thoughts (obviously before getting engaged). In your case: he puts up with your crazy.
welikeincrowds Posted June 17, 2011 Posted June 17, 2011 That's a very nice picture of you, ES! I thought you were going to take a break from LS? That sounded like a good idea to me....
threebyfate Posted June 17, 2011 Posted June 17, 2011 Can't explain the feeling of commitment but you know it when it happens. Everything just kind of clicks into place.
utterer of lies Posted June 17, 2011 Posted June 17, 2011 In your case: he puts up with your crazy. Indeed. I thought you were going to take a break from LS? That sounded like a good idea to me.... Indeed. But she craves the attention from random strangers just so, so much.
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted June 17, 2011 Author Posted June 17, 2011 I meant take a break from talking about my relationship. This is meant to be a general question, not one that applies (only) to me.
Highness Posted June 17, 2011 Posted June 17, 2011 Can't explain the feeling of commitment but you know it when it happens. Everything just kind of clicks into place. Exactly. I'm a very anxious person by nature (probably not as anxious as you, but I am a stress-head and anxiety disorders run in my family). I steered clear of meaningful relationships for this reason as they always caused me grief. However when I met my current boyfriend things were just so easy, even from the start. No stress, no dramas, no worries. I never doubt his feelings for me and I feel safe expressing my feelings with him. I've never experienced that before and it was a revelation. We are just completely in synch and blisfully happy. I hope you find it some day, you deserve it.
welikeincrowds Posted June 17, 2011 Posted June 17, 2011 Exactly. I'm a very anxious person by nature (probably not as anxious as you, but I am a stress-head and anxiety disorders run in my family). I steered clear of meaningful relationships for this reason as they always caused me grief. However when I met my current boyfriend things were just so easy, even from the start. No stress, no dramas, no worries. I never doubt his feelings for me and I feel safe expressing my feelings with him. I've never experienced that before and it was a revelation. We are just completely in synch and blisfully happy. I hope you find it some day, you deserve it. I know exactly where you are coming from with this. Can't explain the feeling of commitment but you know it when it happens. Everything just kind of clicks into place. You too. (Nice to see you, by the way!) However. I think an important point of mention is that the process you guys are both describing is fully mutual, which is what makes it so easy. The way I see it, what makes ES's situation so paradoxical is that she is, on a baseline, unwilling to commit, out of fear of rejection. In her fear she interrupts the process, and so is never able to confirm through action her partner's willingness to commit. Instead she is left to wonder why things aren't working. She asks what the signs are so she can scrutinize for them, while being unable to identify (or, more dangerously, misidentifying) her own responsibility in preventing them from happening. And in doing so, she ultimately never does commit, and ends up either in a state of constant conflict in her relationship, or without a relationship at all. Does any of that sound right, ES?
welikeincrowds Posted June 17, 2011 Posted June 17, 2011 Oh, I missed that you don't want to talk about your relationship. Sorry, forget I said anything.
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted June 17, 2011 Author Posted June 17, 2011 I know exactly where you are coming from with this. You too. (Nice to see you, by the way!) However. I think an important point of mention is that the process you guys are both describing is fully mutual, which is what makes it so easy. The way I see it, what makes ES's situation so paradoxical is that she is, on a baseline, unwilling to commit, out of fear of rejection. In her fear she interrupts the process, and so is never able to confirm through action her partner's willingness to commit. Instead she is left to wonder why things aren't working. She asks what the signs are so she can scrutinize for them, while being unable to identify (or, more dangerously, misidentifying) her own responsibility in preventing them from happening. And in doing so, she ultimately never does commit, and ends up either in a state of constant conflict in her relationship, or without a relationship at all. Does any of that sound right, ES? Yep it sounds about right. Things have improved since my last thread and I am feeling a lot more positive Now - no more talking about me
oaks Posted June 17, 2011 Posted June 17, 2011 In your case: he puts up with your crazy. Sorry, I'll generalise it... Not bailing when the other person repeatedly displays crazy.
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted June 17, 2011 Author Posted June 17, 2011 Sorry, I'll generalise it... Not bailing when the other person repeatedly displays crazy. much better.
snug.bunny Posted June 17, 2011 Posted June 17, 2011 Here's a few......... -Gets to know your friends and family... rather than keeping segments of that part of your life closed off. -Prefers "couple time"... -Doesn't have much need for excuses... instead of always having an excuse. -Focused on "catching" you... rather than focusing on "the chase." -Likes face-to-face contact... more than phone, emails and texts. -Wants to advance the relationship... -You know where they live, work, have stayed over at their house, etc. -Have each other's numbers besides just his/her cellular -Says he/she is committed and acts committed... rather than saying so and acting indifferent. -Follows through -Invests in you... rather than seeing you as a cost. -Watches movies with you when you're sick... versus taking off when you're sick. -Cares about your well-being... as opposed to a constant self-focus.
mogul Posted June 17, 2011 Posted June 17, 2011 Here's a few......... -Gets to know your friends and family... rather than keeping segments of that part of your life closed off. -Prefers "couple time"... -Doesn't have much need for excuses... instead of always having an excuse. -Focused on "catching" you... rather than focusing on "the chase." -Likes face-to-face contact... more than phone, emails and texts. -Wants to advance the relationship... -You know where they live, work, have stayed over at their house, etc. -Have each other's numbers besides just his/her cellular -Says he/she is committed and acts committed... rather than saying so and acting indifferent. -Follows through -Invests in you... rather than seeing you as a cost. -Watches movies with you when you're sick... versus taking off when you're sick. -Cares about your well-being... as opposed to a constant self-focus. Wow, I just went through your list and each one is spot on. Reminds me of my ex and I, how close we were. A meaningful relationship and casual dating are completely different.
denise_xo Posted June 17, 2011 Posted June 17, 2011 I think snug.bunny's list is good for observable indicators. In addition, for me, it's very much about a feeling that I plug into, which emerges out of the kinds of interaction and the kinds of conversations we have. I don't really know how to explain it well because for me it's an intuitive rather than a thought process per se, but it forms part of a more general repertoire of reading people's signals, body language, the kinds of emotions they project, and so on.
tigressA Posted June 17, 2011 Posted June 17, 2011 I think snug.bunny's list is good for observable indicators. In addition, for me, it's very much about a feeling that I plug into, which emerges out of the kinds of interaction and the kinds of conversations we have. I don't really know how to explain it well because for me it's an intuitive rather than a thought process per se, but it forms part of a more general repertoire of reading people's signals, body language, the kinds of emotions they project, and so on. I agree with this.
Els Posted June 17, 2011 Posted June 17, 2011 Taking a jump - doing the sort of thing that you know would be disadvantageous to you should the relationship end in the near future but doing it anyway because of your faith in it. Things I can think of are: Signing a lease to move in together Moving locations/jobs to be with a partner And such. Mind you, you asked about commitment, not love, or etc. To me, commitment is a practical thing, hence the practical examples above. Promise rings and such are really no sign at all except a nice gesture; it's no skin off someone's back to get a 'promise ring' and then leave, especially if he can well afford the ring. I consider actions such as 'taking care of you when you are sick' etc to be signs of pretty amazing love, but not necessarily commitment.
threebyfate Posted June 17, 2011 Posted June 17, 2011 You too. (Nice to see you, by the way!)Thanks. Been busy too, hence the long lag time! But yes, commitment is a positive synergy.
Ms. Joolie Posted June 17, 2011 Posted June 17, 2011 Signs of commitment in a relationship (romantic, dating stage): Dates Exclusivity Communication
WhisperinnWinds Posted June 17, 2011 Posted June 17, 2011 Introducing each other to your respective families. Talking, or even planning for the future (upcoming vacations, the house you might have, etc.) Moving in together. Hanging out with each others' friends. Having little concern for money; i.e., if he has it, he's not stingy with it. Guys who aren't all into it can get incredibly uptight about spending a single dime on you, even when you're unloading your wallet (been there done that).
Nexus One Posted June 17, 2011 Posted June 17, 2011 Here's a few......... -Gets to know your friends and family... rather than keeping segments of that part of your life closed off. -Prefers "couple time"... -Doesn't have much need for excuses... instead of always having an excuse. -Focused on "catching" you... rather than focusing on "the chase." -Likes face-to-face contact... more than phone, emails and texts. -Wants to advance the relationship... -You know where they live, work, have stayed over at their house, etc. -Have each other's numbers besides just his/her cellular -Says he/she is committed and acts committed... rather than saying so and acting indifferent. -Follows through -Invests in you... rather than seeing you as a cost. -Watches movies with you when you're sick... versus taking off when you're sick. -Cares about your well-being... as opposed to a constant self-focus. Upvoted, good list/post.
alphamale Posted June 17, 2011 Posted June 17, 2011 when either one of you is taking a dump and the other can walk into the bathroom...
anne1707 Posted June 17, 2011 Posted June 17, 2011 when either one of you is taking a dump and the other can walk into the bathroom... Respecting boundaries and need for privacy
denise_xo Posted June 17, 2011 Posted June 17, 2011 when either one of you is taking a dump and the other can walk into the bathroom... Hahaha. Co-signed.
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