Hopeless_1116 Posted June 17, 2011 Posted June 17, 2011 (edited) I try not to think about it too much seeing as how it's been 4 months, but after breaking NC a few weeks ago, he's been on my mind a lot again. Tonight I keep replaying our relationship over and over in my head, and I can't make sense of any of it....I don't know where it all went so bad or why it had to end this why. I don't know why he hurt me so much when I tried so hard to make him happy. I don't know why he gave up on me when I stood by him through so much. I don't know why he couldn't be bothered to put in any effort when I gave it my all....I am so angry tonight. Is the answer to these questions quite simply, he didn't care and he never did? Of course....but why would anyone do this?!?! It scares me to think that I was so easily fooled by a man. A man who made me believe he was someone he's not. A loving, kind, caring, gentle impostor of a man. The man I fell in love with doesn't exist...he never did....how can this be? He seemed so real....I touched his face, I kissed his lips, I made love to him, and I fell asleep in his warm embrace at night. How can it be that the man I love is a complete stranger to me? He is an arrogant, selfish, immature, self absorbed, commitment phobe who effectively took me for a ride. He is a future faker....promised me and my son the world and didn't deliver on anything. I should have known better when he told me he was married and divorced within the same year, but I believed him when he told me it was her fault. I believed him when he said he loved me and wanted to marry me. I believed him and loved him too much to see what was going on when he started to blow hot and cold. I wasted so much time and energy. The hardest part is thinking about WHAT IF he does change and he does decide to finally commit and be a good man....why her and not me? I know I am better off without him, but tonight it doesn't feel like it... Edited June 17, 2011 by Hopeless_1116
light_vader Posted June 17, 2011 Posted June 17, 2011 The hardest part is thinking about WHAT IF he does change and he does decide to finally commit and be a good man....why her and not me? Focus on YOU. While he's out there perhaps improving his life (if at all), you're sad thinking about something that is over. Focus on regaining your self-esteem. Focus on your life. Don't focus on if he changes this, if he changes that, if he's a better man, if he... bla bla bla. It's YOUR life what you have now. The most precious gift. Don't you wanna take care of that gift eh? Improve your life and don't look to the past as nothing more than the foundation for your new life and experiences from which you can learn a lot.
reimeivn Posted June 17, 2011 Posted June 17, 2011 It takes a long time to get to know somebody and so do not get mad at yourself for not knowing what kind of person he is. And what he does is the reflection of himself only. Remember that, not you, so do not make yourself miserable anymore than he already did. At least you are the one who loved, and loved your best, you should be proud of yourself.
lovesickmonkey Posted June 17, 2011 Posted June 17, 2011 Whatever you do, don't feel alone. When I read your post, I felt as though I could have written the same thing. I've been wracking my brains trying to figure out how, in a few short months, we went from engaged to she never wants to see me again. We had no fights or anything. She just silently made plans to leave me. So she had to have been lying at some point. I love you, I love you, I love you, goodbye. I realize now that she has the emotional maturity of a pre-teen but I can't wrap my mind around how you can commit to marry someone that you ultimately feel utterly indifferent about. It's like she didn't understand the question. So as you see, you and I are in very much the same boat. Our dreams shattered. And I'm still mourning the loss of someone who probably never existed.
NicoleM Posted June 17, 2011 Posted June 17, 2011 I was fooled by a man too. I thought he was an actual, decent caring human being but I was dead wrong!
TearyEyedPride Posted June 17, 2011 Posted June 17, 2011 Wow. Like lovesick said... I think I actually did write something very similar to this! I think part of getting over these perpetrators is being angry at them. Eventually we'll get over it, but for now pissed is a step forward. It means we've taken off the "goo goo love blinders" and actually see the flaws in our exes. And once upon of time things were perfect right? See? We're making progress... and one day in the future we'll look back and say "Once upon a time I dated that guy... hmmm wtf was I thinking?!" and burst into laughter. I'm craving that day...
radiodarcy Posted June 17, 2011 Posted June 17, 2011 The hardest part is thinking about WHAT IF he does change and he does decide to finally commit and be a good man....why her and not me? I know I am better off without him, but tonight it doesn't feel like it... i struggle with this too. my ex was a total imposter as well. but as big of a jerk as my he was to me, i still wish he would have given me that chance that he's now probably giving to someone else. it hurts like hell. but i try not to dwell on it. lately i've been trying to focus on other things; things that have nothing to do with him or that don't remind me of him (like politics and books - - two things he hates.. lol ) but i allow myself to feel hurt and angry. that's the difference between me and my ex -- i'm honest with myself about my feelings -- he's not. at times i feel sorry for him. but he's so utterly lacking in self-awareness he probably wouldn't even know why. I don't know why he couldn't be bothered to put in any effort when I gave it my all the fact that you were willing to put in the effort and he wasn't means that you are far more capable of moving past your ex and having a healthier outlook on life that he most likely ever will. it's my experience in dealing with people who behave this way is that deep down, they aren't happy with themselves. my ex used to always say he's never happy - - even though he appeared to be. chances are your ex is the same -- so bear in mind the issues in your relationship - - particularly his need to have everything on his terms - - are really more his issues than they are yours; if that makes sense. so - - as light vader said, take all that energy that you put into your relationship with your ex and channel it into yourself
smudge21 Posted June 17, 2011 Posted June 17, 2011 We don't miss them... we miss the person we thought they were...
Sugarkane Posted June 17, 2011 Posted June 17, 2011 You aren't the only one by a long shot. Just reading your post, I felt like I could've written it myself.
1784 Posted June 17, 2011 Posted June 17, 2011 "We don't miss them... we miss the person we thought they were.." This is the key. A lot of times the person we're with shows us who they truly are time and time again. We simply don't want to believe it. We choose to see the good in a person, and while this is a very noble quality it sometimes bites us where the sun don't shine. It's just easier to see what we want to see. We take our own idea of love and project it onto another person. We don't mean to, it just happens. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't.
smudge21 Posted June 17, 2011 Posted June 17, 2011 Nicely put 1784. It's so true that love is blind, or at least feeling love for someone blinds us to the reality of who they are. Proof of this is when we no longer have that emotional bond to them that we are able to clearly see their faults. I think the hardest part of being let down by someone and finding out what they're really like is realising that you wasted so much time on them, especially when it ended and we keep thinking about them, wanting them. It sucks to think "why do I want you so much, when I know you're bad for me!". I see love as a drug which comes with it's own addiction. Once the drug is taken away we want it more, even just a little taste to make us feel better, but that often only makes us feel worse. We know it's bad, can see it's bad, yet we just can't help but want it. Only when we're healed can we understand the dangers and realise how lucky we are to be away from it.
nikkinicole36 Posted June 17, 2011 Posted June 17, 2011 I wanted to cry when I read this post. I swear I could have written this myself. The sad part is if I didn't know better I would have sworn we all were at one point dating the same person, given everyone's replies. I feel like this everday and it's been a year since my break up. I wonder how I could have been so wrong about this person. I think it's like 1784 said about projection. I realize for me a lot of what I thought I saw in my ex was projection and the fact that he played right into my fantasies of what I was looking for in a relationship. These type of people of really good at picking up any vulerabilities you have in regards to love. I'm working on healing those vulerabilities so that something like this never happens to me again. The gut-wrenching part is realizing how easy it was for that person to just move on to the next person. I used to feel really jealous thinking that the girl after me is getting all the things he promised me. Then I stop and think, "Wait a minute, everything he promised me was lies!" So if she's getting what he gave me, that's exactly what she's getting. Considering that he just jumped to someone else means he hasn't healed. These type are doom to rinse and repeat unless they start digging into what is really blocking them from being honestly available for love and relationships. I'm spending this time, which I hope you will too, figuring out what is really at the root of my love issues, because I realize my ex is not just a commitmentphobe, so am I. They really do go hand and hand. He was the active and you are the passive.
lovesickmonkey Posted June 18, 2011 Posted June 18, 2011 I'm spending this time, which I hope you will too, figuring out what is really at the root of my love issues, because I realize my ex is not just a commitmentphobe, so am I. They really do go hand and hand. He was the active and you are the passive. Nikki, That's some uncommon insight you have. Many of us here have issues like you suggest. We may be just as frightened of commitment as the ones who so heartlessly abandon us. We are actively seeking out the type who will do this to us, as uncomfortable a truth as that may be. We should all be taking time to take a hard look at ourselves and discovering why we find the wrong one again and again.
lolo1234 Posted June 18, 2011 Posted June 18, 2011 I could have written your post about my ex. Word for word. I too feel like I was taken for a ride. My ex is just a bad person...it took me a while to come to this realization. I feel stupid for having fallen for him. He didn't deserve my love . Your ex doesn't deserve u either.
Fufu Posted June 18, 2011 Posted June 18, 2011 No matter how and what my ex changes, it doesn't matter to me anymore. I will rather focus on my own life.
light_vader Posted June 19, 2011 Posted June 19, 2011 We don't miss them... we miss the person we thought they were... Spot on indeed. I think part of not wanting to move on is the thought of the "good times" and "what if we were still together" just struggling in your mind to see that person as the "nice" one you had fun with. But you need to focus on: NO. She/He wasn't THAT person. It was just a lie, a faker.
kittycat95 Posted June 19, 2011 Posted June 19, 2011 Just wanted to chime in. This is a great thread. People underestimate how much the end of a relationship feels like a death. Death of a person you once loved, death of an ideal, death of the dreams you shared, death of your hopes for your future together, all finished. The sooner that the end is treated like a permanent death, the sooner one can stop chasing ghosts, mourn like hell, and someday, somehow, move on. Love ultimately comes down to commitment and making it for the long haul. If someone deceives you and lets you down, leaves you hanging and watches you fall after you say you need them, such a person has DIED to you. No amount of wishing and longing can resurrect that which was lost. Someday you can look back fondly at who they used to be but never forget, they are now DEAD.
TearyEyedPride Posted June 19, 2011 Posted June 19, 2011 Just wanted to chime in. This is a great thread. People underestimate how much the end of a relationship feels like a death. Death of a person you once loved, death of an ideal, death of the dreams you shared, death of your hopes for your future together, all finished. The sooner that the end is treated like a permanent death, the sooner one can stop chasing ghosts, mourn like hell, and someday, somehow, move on. Love ultimately comes down to commitment and making it for the long haul. If someone deceives you and lets you down, leaves you hanging and watches you fall after you say you need them, such a person has DIED to you. No amount of wishing and longing can resurrect that which was lost. Someday you can look back fondly at who they used to be but never forget, they are now DEAD. Exactly. Accept, grieve, and let it go.
Sugarkane Posted June 20, 2011 Posted June 20, 2011 I find the memories the worst. My ex used to literally beg me to stay over.
Sugarkane Posted June 20, 2011 Posted June 20, 2011 I wish I could have my memory of the Ahole erased like in Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.
Author Hopeless_1116 Posted June 20, 2011 Author Posted June 20, 2011 Just wanted to chime in. This is a great thread. People underestimate how much the end of a relationship feels like a death. Death of a person you once loved, death of an ideal, death of the dreams you shared, death of your hopes for your future together, all finished. The sooner that the end is treated like a permanent death, the sooner one can stop chasing ghosts, mourn like hell, and someday, somehow, move on. Love ultimately comes down to commitment and making it for the long haul. If someone deceives you and lets you down, leaves you hanging and watches you fall after you say you need them, such a person has DIED to you. No amount of wishing and longing can resurrect that which was lost. Someday you can look back fondly at who they used to be but never forget, they are now DEAD. I really resonated with this post. I especially liked the part about the death of an ideal, of your dreams, of the hopes of a future together. It's hard to come to terms with all of these things at the end of a relationship; however, I do still think the hardest part is being rejected by a person who once held you in such high regard. But, as you say, that man is DEAD and all that's left is this scared, little boy who I don't recognize. I couldn't pick him out of a crowd. In fact, I'd be embarrassed to know him. I have allowed myself to forget who he really is in moments of weakness, but I will not make that mistake again. The person I love is DEAD....although I am still skeptical that he even existed in the first place.
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