My Wifes Affair - How I'm Coping With the Pain.

[Headspin]

I’m sharing this information about my wife’s affair in hopes of getting some positive feedback. I seemed to find some level of peace when writing this. Identifying the timelines and piecing the information together, for some reason, helps my recovery. I’m doing okay right now considering what I’ve been through in the last couple months. It's a long story but worth the read for anyone who thinks their relationship is "affair-proof"; it's not. You have to put time and effort into it. Here is my story:

 

My wife, Karen and I met in November of 2000. She was 29yrs and I was 30yrs at the time. We met on a blind date and instantly hit it off. Both of us had separated from our previous spouses, a year prior. We both left relationships where our previous partners had affairs. We shared a common bond and were able to talk about our past experiences openly. Neither one of us felt we were carrying any baggage from our previous relationships. We had healed and moved on. We continued dating and soon fell in love. A year later we moved in together. Between us we have 3 kids. They got along very well as we carefully merged families. We didn’t want to pressure them or upset our “forced relationships” with our ex’s. All went well. We were together, in love, and our future looked bright. We expressed to each other that we had never been happier and wanted nothing more than to be together, forever.

 

Years went by and friends/family kept asking us when Karen and I were going to marry. I didn’t feel it was important for us to be married. At least not “rush” into it. Besides, I hadn’t completed my divorce papers from my first marriage. The years seemed to go buy so fast and I kept telling myself I would finalize the divorce soon. Finally in 2009 I started the process and by 2010 it was complete. By this time, nobody was asking me about marriage any more, including my spouse. Karen had given up on me by then. She figured we would never get married. Looking back now, I realize that caused a slight rift in our relationship. She had become disappointed. More saddened really. Not because of me or us not being married; because she had always hoped we would marry and have a child together of our own; someone that was part of both of us. Karen was nearing 40yrs now and knew that having a baby at that age has its share of risks. Plus, we couldn’t imagine starting over with an infant when our other kids were soon graduating, going to college and moving out. We let the opportunity slip through our hands, we waited too long.

 

In spring of 2010, we planned a trip to Vegas with some friends. Since my divorce was complete I had an idea to propose to Karen, at the Paris hotel, on top of the Eiffel Tower! I thought it would be romantic, and it was! I got down on one knee and asked for her hand in marriage! Our friends were there and had no idea what I had planned. They were surprised and really happy for us. Karen cried tears of joy the rest of the night. She told me how shocked she was and how she thought I would never ask. I felt proud to have finally done the right thing. We married 6 months later and the wedding was perfect!

 

This is where things start to go bad for me. We went on our honeymoon, to a resort in Mexico. For some reason, on our first night at the resort, we were being intimate and I noticed she was acting different in bed. She was vocalizing and expressing herself differently, among other things. The truth is, we were both pretty drunk from partying at the open bar that night and some inhibitions were lost. I didn’t realize that at the time, I just felt worried and let my mind play tricks on me. I didn’t mention it to Karen. I just tried to forget about it. The rest of our trip was good. We continued to have sex daily and my wife said she was happier than ever. I kept my bad thoughts to myself and told her I was having fun too! We got back from the honeymoon and resumed our normal life. Karen was always very active with sports and I worked excessively as I worked full time and was starting my own business too. Because of that, we didn’t see each other a lot. After the honeymoon I carried the thought of Karen being with another man, in the back of my mind. That, combined with financial pressure, issues at work, and other problems we were having with my daughter, caused me to begin drinking too much. When I was home from work, I would sit around and ‘relax’ with a ‘few’ drinks. I gained a lot of weight and became extremely depressed in a short period of time. I felt overwhelmed with issues like my daughter who had dropped out of school, was doing drugs (all kinds), and was hanging around a very bad crowd. Sleeping with multiple partners; allegedly getting pregnant, and having an abortion. She was only 14yrs old! Things were falling apart for me quickly. My wife asked me to start sleeping in the spare room because I had begun snoring excessively. She wore earplugs but still couldn’t sleep. By November, I realized we’d only had sex once since our honeymoon (that was 3 months ago!). I told her I was concerned (as was she) and we talked about my excessive drinking and other pressures in my life that were contributing factors to my depression. I’d read that depression can lead to low libido and I explained that I was working on getting better and that I really wanted to be with her again. I asked her to bear with me while I worked out my problems. Later on, when my wife and I discussed that period in our relationship, she told me that she didn’t see me doing anything to improve my situation. She was right; I was trying to fix myself and she wanted me to go to the Doctor. Karen didn’t see improvements, if anything I was getting worse. She thought I might never recover. As a result, sadly, she began having an emotional affair with a guy from her coed soccer team. I was unaware of what was happening between us.

 

The other man, Rick had recently separated from his wife. As it turns out, it was the same month Karen and I got married. Karen and Rick saw each other regularly as the team would get together at least twice per week and many players would go to the local pub after the games or practices. At first, Karen and Rick kept their socializing to being around the soccer team and they were careful not to let anyone know they were interested in each other. Early on, nobody expected anything was going on between them. However, a month later (now the Christmas season) the relationship progressed and she began staying overnight at his place. The affair was no longer just emotional; it had become sexual. My wife later explained she allowed it to happen because she was confused at home and felt I was slipping away. She took the fact that we were not having sex, as rejection. Her new “friend” was always listening to her concerns and coaxed her to leave me. Rick told her she “deserved better” and for her to “leave that loser”. My wife, lost and confused then, fell for it; hook, line, and sinker. Rather than talk to me, she went too him. Karen has one tragic flaw; she avoids conflict at all cost. Because of this, in ten years together, we never had a fight. At most we had some minor disagreements. We both felt we were so compatible, so “in love”, we weren’t capable of fighting. There was no need to argue; no issues at all! But there was at least one issue; and in this case, she was unable to tell me how she felt. The truth is we were falling apart as a couple. By not wanting to hurt me; she would eventually hurt me ten-fold.

 

Late one Sunday afternoon in April, my wife came home with a black eye from a soccer game. She seamed very quiet and was an emotional wreck. I asked her what was wrong and she said she was just hung over from a team BBQ the day before. She explained that she drank so much on Saturday night that she was unable to play on Sunday and stayed at a friend’s house all day, sleeping it off. She was feeling depressed and guilty about over drinking. She also told me she lost her cell phone at some point that night. I actually felt bad for her.

 

The next day I decided to post an ad under “lost & found” to see if I could recover Karen’s phone. I also logged on to her account, to see if any numbers were called after she lost the phone. I thought maybe, if someone found it and used it, I could call the number and track it. It was worth a shot anyway as the phone was a brand new blackberry! What I found in the records shocked me. I could see 3 texts that my wife and I exchanged on Saturday night, explaining how she wouldn’t be able to drive home (due to drinking) and was staying at a female friend’s house that lived in the area. That part I expected, but later on that night were a bunch of calls and texts exchanged to a number I didn’t recognize. I thought I must have found a clue and tried calling the number. I got a guys voicemail? I didn’t leave a message. I called my wife at work and asked if she recognized the number. She said she didn’t know. Later that day I looked at the phone records again. To my horror, I found that same number had been contacted earlier that day too. The online records went back 4 months and as I looked at each prior day, there was the same number again! Sometimes up to 70 times per day. I called Karen again and explained what I found; this time with a quiver in my voice. She confirmed what I had just discovered when she said; “We’ll talk when I get home…” she had a quiver in her voice now too. She hung up.

 

I got home and waited anxiously for Karen to arrive. When she got home from work I confronted her. She explained to me, the number belonged too one of the guys from her coed team. They were “just friends” and had talked about taking the relationship further but she did not want that. She admitted their “friendship” was emotional but assured me nothing had ever happened beyond talking. She admitted that even that was going too far and qualified as an affair. I was shocked. At first I tried to believe the affair was platonic, but soon I started investigating further. By the end of the week I learned (by snooping) there was a lot more to the story. I confronted her again and this time she admitted the whole affair. She told me it was over between Rick and her. Karen explained to me her and Rick had a fight and she did not want to see him again. She said the affair ended the weekend she came home with the black eye. I asked Karen, “Did he hit you?” She said “No, I swear!” Anyway, I wanted Karen back and she told me the same. She apologized for everything and said she just wanted us to be the way we were before. We instantly started having sex again. I was making up for lost time I guess. I wanted to prove that I was a better man than Rick. I made instant changes in my life. I quit drinking, exercised, lost weight. We made plans to travel. We started couples counseling. I purchased books like “After the Affair” and read them front to back, obsessively. I needed to know what went wrong and how we were going to get past this major hurdle in our marriage.

 

Karen and I were working very hard to recover our relationship. Meanwhile, I was struggling with horrible images of Karen and Rick meeting and doing dirty, nasty, raw sexual things together. I could only imagine how exciting the forbidden sex must have been. It played in my head over and over. I tried to make it to stop but it always came back. I thought there was only one thing I could do. I slept with another woman. I met her one time, for sex only. No strings attached. I didn’t want to have an affair of my own. I new I couldn’t handle it emotionally and I wanted to work thinks out with Karen. It’s just that I was so desperate to counteract the horrible images in my head. I was sure if I had sex with another woman it would stop my pain. It kind of did! I came home that night and was feeling strong (I thought). I didn’t feel guilty. I felt justified but I was still shocked at myself for what I had done. Normally I would have never cheated on my wife before this event. I’d never even flirted with another woman before. I avoided compromising situations at all costs. I never even considered it before. It was not an option for me!

 

That day gave me strength. So I decided to send a message to my wife’s ex-lover. I sent a text saying; “You f**d my wife. I guess you want to f**k with me too? Watch your back a**-hole! It was pretty risky of me. I guess I was asking for what happened next. He replied very harshly. He called me a “fat f***ing loser”, told me to take care of my “s*** at home”, and basically told me off. I replied again and told him he “didn’t know anything” and told home him to f**k-off again. He replied by saying “Oh really, I don’t know anything? Like how your brother f**ked you first wife?” (sadly, he was right). And then said: “By the way, I wasn’t the only one!! Black eye wasn’t from a soccer ball…you are a F**KING LOSER!!!!!”

 

Ouch. Nothing like being told off by the guy that’s been F**king your wife. Now, I really want to hurt him, bad.

 

Now, armed with new information from the texts, I confronted Karen again. Obviously there was more to the story. I wasn’t ready for this. I explained the text messages I received from her lover. She was very upset that I messaged him but more upset at his response. I asked what he meant about the “black eye” not being “from a soccer ball”, and also the “I wasn’t the only one!” comment. I thought: “oh my God, is she doing the whole soccer team?” She started crying, we sat down together. She continued by giving me the following explanation of what really happened at the BBQ a month earlier. Until that very moment, she was too scared to tell me. Now she had no choice:

 

A couple from her team was having a BBQ at their house. She went to their house early Saturday afternoon right after one of her soccer games. She had recently become friends with Susan (homeowner along with her husband Steve who played on the coed team – Susan didn’t play). Karen went to the house to have a shower. Some people at the party had already been drinking heavily and Susan came into the bedroom and was talking to Karen while my wife got dressed. She explained to my wife, that she was already “really wasted” and laid down on the bed. That was somewhere between 1:00 and 2:00pm. The party grew, and the drinking became more excessive. There were lots of shooters and drinking games. It was getting pretty crazy. My wife’s lover, Rick showed up mid afternoon and fed her drinks excessively. My wife questioned him, “Why are you getting me so drunk when you can’t even stay yourself?” Apparently he had to leave early, due to prior commitments. Much later that evening he phoned her and asked her to come over to his house. She declined and said she had already planned on staying at a friend’s house that night and also wanted to stay at the party because she was having fun. He was angry with her and they had a fight. My wife had become very drunk and only remembers bits and pieces of the rest of the night. She explained to me, somewhere between 1:00 – 2:00am (12 hours later!) she looked around and there were only four partygoers still remaining; Steve, herself, and another couple sitting on the couch. Susan must have gone to bed. Everyone else had left the party, including her friend whose house she was supposed to stay at that night. Her next recollection of the evening is sick: Karen “awoke” to herself having sex with Steve in the garage and Susan had just walked in looking for him! Sausan started screaming when she saw the two of them, and attacked my wife. She was obviously hysterical. She was beating Karen severely (thus the black eye). Steve managed to hold his wife back as he was afraid Susan was going to kill Karen, if he let her go. It took the other two people remaining at the party (they entered after they heard screaming), to also restrain her, and allow my wife time to gather her stuff and run out of the house. She has no recollection of anything that happened from the time of looking around the room and seeing a few people left and the incident in the garage. She was blind drunk. I’ve seen her in that state only a few times. The difference before was, I was always there to take care of her and get her to bed safely. We often spoke of how both our drinking could be excessive at times. This was one of those times.

 

That night, after leaving the party, she could not reach anybody. She didn’t have her phone (Susan smashed it) and she had nowhere to go. She was still drunk, wandering the streets, and didn’t know what to do. She had no money to make a phone call. She walked to a friend’s apartment but could not get her to answer the buzzer. Turns out, her friend was out of town anyway. Lost, she decided to go back to the house where the incident occurred! She went inside to get her cell phone (not knowing it was gone). She noticed the house was destroyed including smashed windows, plates, and broken bottles everywhere. The wife destroyed everything she could before leaving. Steve heard Karen enter the house. He confronted her and begged her to “finish what they started”. He claimed that he wanted to “leave his wife anyway” and he was “putting the house up for sale tomorrow!” Karen asked him “what is wrong with you??!! Why would you do that to Susan??” and begged him to leave her alone. He was still trying to grab her and continued to chase my wife around the house. My wife fought him off. She was crying and very confused. She found the rest of her stuff including her car keys. Rick eventually gave up and went upstairs to bed. Karen went outside and slept in her car until dawn. When she woke, she drove a short distance to a friend’s and asked if she could stay there. She slept all day until coming home that Sunday night. At that time, I still had no idea we were even having marital problems. But she knew…

 

The ironic thing is Rick was friends with Steve. They played soccer together and were friends away from the team. When Rick found out what happened at the party, he freaked out. They won't be friends again. Looking back at all this I realized; not only did my wife destroy our marriage, but she also destroyed her relationship with Rick and the married couple too! Three relationships destroyed in one fell swoop. Not to mention the friendships between Rick and Steve, Karen and Susan etc…What a f**king mess!

 

So, now I’m coping with two events. It was hard enough knowing about the first one. Believe it or not, we are doing well as a couple. My wife is full of remorse. She too, is hurting, but won’t express her pain because she feels she “deserves it” and wants to focus on helping me and our relationship. We have been spending all our time together. We are starting a new relationship. The old one is dead. We chose not to tell family or friends what happened. We have selected only a few people to talk to for support. She will not be joining her previous soccer teams again. I don’t want her to cross paths or have any contact with those people – she agrees. Fortunately, her former soccer teams were in another town about half an hour away from where we live. That’s just enough distance that I feel we can stay living where we are. She has promised to tell me if she has any contact, whatsoever, with either her former lover or Susan’s now-ex-husband. She still wants to play soccer (I agree) but she will be joining a different team belonging to a separate division (Not co-ed: woman only!)

 

Karen and I spend a lot of time talking about everything that’s happened. I keep dragging the details out of her. For some reason, I feel the need to know. I’m careful when questioning, there are some things I can’t bare to hear because it hurts too much. I ask myself “do I really need to know that?” I may sound strong writing this, but I’m telling you; it’s the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. I don’t wish this on anyone.

 

I continue to lose weight, exercise, control drinking habits, and get healthy again. I need to focus on my daughter too! She is getting worse but I'm getting her all the help I can. It’s just a matter of getting through each day. It’s only been 6 weeks since I learned the “whole” truth. I’ve got a long way to go. Nobody told me there would be days like these. It’s a crazy freaking life.

 

“Everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for.”– Bob Marley

 

Thanks for reading my story.

Edited June 16, 2011 by Headspin
Correction

[Kidd]

Rough story. I'm about six weeks into trying to reconcile with my cheating wife, too. I wish both of us luck. The odds are against us.

 

You're going to hear from many discouraging posters. No one knows your situation or wife better than you but listen to their words anyway. There is a lot of wisdom out there and a lot of crap. Be wary because in many cases, the cheaters trickle the truth, continue affairs, leave, and take the house, car, kids and you've lost your marriage, too. Be smart.

[rafallus]

It's not just about you and your wife. There is a lot of seriously messed up crap going on:

 

 

That whole social circle of binge drinking, adultery, fights, and vulgar jocks is as healthy as malignant tumor. If your wife enjoys company of such lowlifes, then she is ****ed up in ways most ****ed up people can only dream about being.

 

 

Answer honestly to yourself:

 

Do you really want that kind of bullcrap drama in your life?

Edited June 16, 2011 by rafallus

[Headspin]

Thanks for the heads-up. I read your story too and I wish you all the best. I agree that only we truly know our spouses. I'm sure people will say many negative things when they read about my wife's situation (but I hope not). What she did was completely out of character. We both learned a lesson here!

 

Hang in there bud!

[Headspin]

It's not just about you and your wife. There is a lot of seriously messed up crap going on:

 

 

That whole social circle of binge drinking, adultery, fights, and vulgar jocks is as healthy as malignant tumor. If your wife enjoys company of such lowlifes, then she is ****ed up in ways most ****ed up people can only dream about being.

 

 

Answer honestly to yourself:

 

Do you really want that kind of bullcrap drama in your life?

 

No I Don't!! You are right! That's why she wants nothing to do with any of that old situation. We are trying to leave the past in the past. We are fixing everything that was wrong before. Back to family and close friends. Not those losers!

[Bryanp]

Oh my God, What a horrible story.

 

Your wife has been cheating on you constantly. She is in damage control. My guess is that she has been cheating with others besides Rick and Steve. I doubt her story that she was raped. She has constantly stayed overnight with her lover and constantly partied on you. What kind of a wife is this?

 

I will be blunt. You would have to be masochistic to stay with her. You both need to get tested for STD's. She has put your health at great risk. How could you possibly feel special that Karen is your wife? Get your children away from her and see an attorney as soon as possible. She has had no problem humiliating and disrespecting you in the worst possible way. If you do not respect yourself then who will? She is a real piece of work. Enough is enough!

[Mr.Harris]

Long story.

 

Divorce her.

[drifter777]

Oh my God, What a horrible story.

 

Your wife has been cheating on you constantly. She is in damage control. My guess is that she has been cheating with others besides Rick and Steve. I doubt her story that she was raped. She has constantly stayed overnight with her lover and constantly partied on you. What kind of a wife is this?

 

I will be blunt. You would have to be masochistic to stay with her. You both need to get tested for STD's. She has put your health at great risk. How could you possibly feel special that Karen is your wife? Get your children away from her and see an attorney as soon as possible. She has had no problem humiliating and disrespecting you in the worst possible way. If you do not respect yourself then who will? She is a real piece of work. Enough is enough!

 

Totally agree that this is a horrible story. Also agree that your wife is a lying, cheating slut. Oh, and by the way - so are you. Your wife may be a serial cheater, but your "revenge affair" was a selfish, childish, disgusting thing to do. Are you just looking for people to react to your story or is there some advice you are seeking? Anyway, maybe you two deserve each other and can make your denial-fest work. Best of luck to you both.

[Mr.Harris]

Totally agree that this is a horrible story. Also agree that your wife is a lying, cheating slut. Oh, and by the way - so are you. Your wife may be a serial cheater, but your "revenge affair" was a selfish, childish, disgusting thing to do. Are you just looking for people to react to your story or is there some advice you are seeking? Anyway, maybe you two deserve each other and can make your denial-fest work. Best of luck to you both.

 

Oh wow. I didn't even read the whole story. Silly me.

 

Still need to divorce.

[Headspin]

Rough story. I'm about six weeks into trying to reconcile with my cheating wife, too. I wish both of us luck. The odds are against us.

 

You're going to hear from many discouraging posters. No one knows your situation or wife better than you but listen to their words anyway. There is a lot of wisdom out there and a lot of crap. Be wary because in many cases, the cheaters trickle the truth, continue affairs, leave, and take the house, car, kids and you've lost your marriage, too. Be smart.

 

You're right Kidd. A lot of negative comments. They don't know her. I took the time to explain our history, because I want people to understand that we were a good, strong, happy "normal" couple. I am 100% sure there was nothing going on until this mess. We started drifting apart and handled it horribly. Every sign was reading "it's over" and we let it happen. It won't happen again. If both spouses really want to make it work - they can. Keep moving forward and time will heal all. Never forget, just heal. You can be a stronger couple than before.

[RobD70]

No I Don't!! You are right! That's why she wants nothing to do with any of that old situation. We are trying to leave the past in the past. We are fixing everything that was wrong before. Back to family and close friends. Not those losers!

Rug sweeping doesn't work. You are going to be shocked 6 months from now about how you will feel then. This is going to eat at you pretty much forever.

 

There's a VERY good chance that in a year you will be one of us "Negative Nancies" giving harsh advice to people. We all learned the hard way and hate seeing people make the same mistakes we did. I'll admit, it fell on deaf ears when people told me and I expect it when I tell other people what I know that don't want to hear.

 

I don't expect this to end well. Only 6 weeks in you are still in the hysterical bonding phase but much like a honeymoon phase of a relationship, that doesn't last forever.

[Bryanp]

It is essential that the both of you get tested for STD's immediately. These people she has been playing with are real players. It also sounded like her original lover got her drunk so he could pass her off to his friend. I doubt that you really have the full story but it is your life and I wish you well.

[Untouchable_Fire]

You're right Kidd. A lot of negative comments. They don't know her. I took the time to explain our history, because I want people to understand that we were a good, strong, happy "normal" couple. I am 100% sure there was nothing going on until this mess. We started drifting apart and handled it horribly. Every sign was reading "it's over" and we let it happen. It won't happen again. If both spouses really want to make it work - they can. Keep moving forward and time will heal all. Never forget, just heal. You can be a stronger couple than before.

 

You want people to empathize with her?

 

Your daughter is falling apart and instead of helping your wife runs off with another guy. Two other guys...

 

It's your life and you pick how to live it, but I personally would not put up with that. My GF cheated and I removed her from my life. Had I not done that I would have never met the woman of my dreams who I am currently engaged to. Life requires courage, and don't for an instant believe that sticking it out takes courage... that friend is pure cowardice.

[What_Next]

Oh wow, that is a bloody tale to say the least.

 

Did you take any time after you found out the truth to decide for yourself what you really wanted to do?

 

I'll be honest, if I were in your shoes I would be ending the marriage.

 

I have a massive amount of empathy for you, but I believe your wife is not telling you the full story.

[Headspin]

Oh wow, that is a bloody tale to say the least.

 

Did you take any time after you found out the truth to decide for yourself what you really wanted to do?

 

I'll be honest, if I were in your shoes I would be ending the marriage.

 

I have a massive amount of empathy for you, but I believe your wife is not telling you the full story.

 

I'm still taking time to decide. I've talked to a counselor and my family and everyone recommends I take time to really learn how I feel. Eventually I will come to a decision. But, my decision for now, is to stay.

I do feel lonely. Even though my wife and I are spending so much time together. She is doing everything she can. She calls me through the day to see how I'm doing. We go walking, jogging after work. We visit family. We are doing all the stuff that we should have been doing but let slip away before. I beleive she's telling me the full story because I found ALL the information out before confronting her. I probably didn't explain that very well in the story. Thank you for your empathy.

[What_Next]

You're welcome and I mean that in the most sincere way.

 

Please do continue to make the decision that is right for you. You'll get many varying opinions here on LS, not the least of which will be the ones that'll come along with guns blazing, spewing venom and hatred, but you can see them a mile away.

 

The first and most important thing you can do is to take the time for YOU. It is OK to decide you cannot continue with the marriage, and it is OK to decide to decide to give it a shot, but be sure that decision comes from a place you can come to terms with.

 

I would REALLY try to get to the bottom of her story and get all the proof you can though.

[Headspin]

"Your daughter is falling apart and instead of helping your wife runs off with another guy. Two other guys... "

 

My ex-wife is the primary caregiver of my daughter. Neither myself or Karen have have much control over what happens with her. Karen and I discuss the issues and what we can try to do to help my daughter; but my ex-wife and I don't agree on much when it comes to my troubled daughter. However, she is starting a youth program next week. Dear God I hope it helps her!

 

I hear what you're saying though, by straying, my wife added fuel to the fire. All part of this downward spiral I'm afraid.

Edited June 17, 2011 by Headspin

[Untouchable_Fire]

"Your daughter is falling apart and instead of helping your wife runs off with another guy. Two other guys... "

My ex-wife is the primary caregiver of my daughter. Neither myself or Karen have have much control over what happens with her. Karen and I discuss the issues and what we can try to do to help my daughter; but my ex-wife and I don't agree on much when it comes to my troubled daughter. However, she is starting a youth program next week. Dear God I hope it helps her!

I hear what you're saying though, by straying, my wife added fuel to the fire. All part of this downward spiral I'm afraid.

 

Your daughter can't be happy with her current living situation. In fact looking back most of the kids who acted like that when I was a kid were victims of abuse. One in particular had her step father go to jail for sexually abusing her.

 

Part of Karen's job should be helping to provide you a stable place for your kids to come. However, she is instead totally focused on her own hedonistic goals.

 

When I got cheated on... I blamed myself a lot. Men are always being told what sh**heals we are. I read CNN posts an article blasting lazy fathers for fathers day. Nobody would put up with that on Mothers day, but for us we just shelve the indignation and move forward.

 

My message is ... "this isn't your fault". You need to honestly believe that. No more "I should have done X", "I needed to have done Y"... That's all bull****.

 

After dealing with this kind of thing so many times it really just comes down to this: Some women will cheat, some won't... and what you do has no effect on that.

 

It's her fault the relationship got strained and her fault for cheating.

[Maladjusted]

 

When I got cheated on... I blamed myself a lot. Men are always being told what sh**heals we are. I read CNN posts an article blasting lazy fathers for fathers day. Nobody would put up with that on Mothers day, but for us we just shelve the indignation and move forward.

 

My message is ... "this isn't your fault". You need to honestly believe that. No more "I should have done X", "I needed to have done Y"... That's all bull****.

 

After dealing with this kind of thing so many times it really just comes down to this: Some women will cheat, some won't... and what you do has no effect on that.

 

It's her fault the relationship got strained and her fault for cheating.

 

I couldn't agree more.

[Owl]

You're welcome and I mean that in the most sincere way.

 

Please do continue to make the decision that is right for you. You'll get many varying opinions here on LS, not the least of which will be the ones that'll come along with guns blazing, spewing venom and hatred, but you can see them a mile away.

 

The first and most important thing you can do is to take the time for YOU. It is OK to decide you cannot continue with the marriage, and it is OK to decide to decide to give it a shot, but be sure that decision comes from a place you can come to terms with.

 

I would REALLY try to get to the bottom of her story and get all the proof you can though.

 

Totally agreed with this advice.

 

Don't rush into a decision one way or another at this point.

 

Work on getting the full truth. I'm sorry, but I do honestly feel that if she's trickle-truthed her way to admitting TWO events...there are more that she's not admitted to.

[Headspin]

Thanks guys! I hear you. I really do!

[SoleMate]

There are a lot of problems here, but I am shocked that everyone so easily glosses over the reported rape. Not sure if everyone considers this a complete fabrication, or maybe just true and just deserts. I would just like to point out that even adulterous wives can be victims of rape and if so, it is every bit as much a crime, and harmful, as the rape of the purest virgin on the planet.

 

And let's not forget that Karen may have been specially targeted by the predator, Steve, based on his knowledge of her extramarital affair. That, along with her heavy drinking and very poor choice of companions, made her more dramatically more vulnerable to attack by him and also provided him safety against accusations.

 

Additionally, Susan criminally assaulted your wife. All in all, to me your story is mostly about your wife being the victim of several felonies. The affair is secondary.

 

Whatever else you do, please ask your wife to visit a rape crisis center for counseling.

[dale_gribble]

Dude, I don't you you, but as a man- If some mother****er talked to me like that he's gonna get an ass beating now matter what- PERIOD! First this guys Rick speaks to you in this manner(without respect); then this other guy Steve chases your wife around the house harrassing her into more sex? Don't take this the wrong way, but you need to do someting about that QUICK. In all actuallity, your wifes story seems a bit off. Why would she be showering in someone elses home anyway? She put herself in this positon in the first place. But, YOU need to man-up, andlet these guys know that they can't **** wit your family, bro. I'm actually gonna beat the living daylighs out of he OM when I run into him. He knows I don't give a **** about landing in jail for a couple of days if h decides to rat me out either, which I know he won't do because as men there's an unspoken code that this kind of thing doesn't get handled by the authorities; it gets handled in a "MANLY"... know what I mean. If you don't stand up for yourself right now, believe you're gonna regret it- BELIEVE IT!

[Owl]

You raise some excellent points, Solemate.

 

I personally am not sure what to make of that part of what the OP described.

 

Given the lies and deception his wife displayed trying to minimize things up to this point...I really don't know for sure what to think about the truthfulness of her description of the events.

 

It could have happened the way that she described...don't take me wrong.

 

But it could also have all been 're-written' so that she didn't look like the bad person in this situation as well.

 

That's been her MO previously up to this point, so what REALLY happened is still anyone's guess.

 

But perhaps you're right...and regardless, I think the best suggestion to the OP would be that he press charges on both that guy and his wife for their actions. One way or another, the truth will come out, and hopefully justice brought appropriately, regardless of what the truth turns out to be.

[drifter777]

There are a lot of problems here, but I am shocked that everyone so easily glosses over the reported rape. Not sure if everyone considers this a complete fabrication, or maybe just true and just deserts. I would just like to point out that even adulterous wives can be victims of rape and if so, it is every bit as much a crime, and harmful, as the rape of the purest virgin on the planet.

 

And let's not forget that Karen may have been specially targeted by the predator, Steve, based on his knowledge of her extramarital affair. That, along with her heavy drinking and very poor choice of companions, made her more dramatically more vulnerable to attack by him and also provided him safety against accusations.

 

Additionally, Susan criminally assaulted your wife. All in all, to me your story is mostly about your wife being the victim of several felonies. The affair is secondary.

 

Whatever else you do, please ask your wife to visit a rape crisis center for counseling.

 

Ok, let's assume the affair is secondary and the real issue is the rape and assault. Headspin: demand that your wife file charges for these incidents. Let the police investigate; maybe they can get to the bottom of this and find the truth. And I don't mean ask her to file charges, DEMAND that she file charges. I would bet that she will refuse because it's all a pack of lies and she doesn't want anyone snooping around asking embarrassing questions that will end up revealing even more ugly, sordid details. So after she refuses, pick up the phone and call the police yourself and tell them your wife's story. According to the story you related here, she was raped and then physically assaulted and those crimes shouldn't go unreported. Putting the perpetrators behind bars should help both of you put this behind you and contribute greatly to your reconciliation.