PrettyPoppy Posted June 16, 2011 Posted June 16, 2011 I haven't posted in awhile but I need some feedback. My boyfriend is scheduled to move into my apt in 2 weeks and my gut tells me this is a mistake. Problem is, I've called it off last time we were set to move at great inconvenience to him. I also don't regret that decision. My notion is to just let it happen and then if it fails he can just leave. The apt is mine so I'm at no risk of losing the apartment. He is not physically violent or destructive. My main issue is he has never lived with a woman, he never apologizes and tends to be extremely passive aggressive. This is very difficult to deal with and I'm finding that for whatever reason I just don't feel so good about myself far more often than I should in this relationship. It is taking a bite into my self esteem. As would be expected, he is being distance-y in this last week. We communicate via email, and that is minimal. I am supposed to throw him a birthday party here, next weekend. I have no idea of the guest list or even if there is one. He is busy with work and against a deadline, but he is capable of answering the basics. He does this all the time. He has very poor phone return/email return time frames. This is part of the passive aggression: being late, not responding, withdrawing. I fear that because those techniques will not work when co-habitating he will use denial of sex as a means to express anger. I feel very unhappy today and yet I don't want to once again pull out a rug and subsequently apologize etc. If I bail, I have to bail and end the relationship for good as that would legitimately be too much. I also question my own fears of intimacy.
TaraMaiden Posted June 16, 2011 Posted June 16, 2011 My main issue is he has never lived with a woman, he never apologizes and tends to be extremely passive aggressive. This is very difficult to deal with and I'm finding that for whatever reason I just don't feel so good about myself far more often than I should in this relationship. It is taking a bite into my self esteem. As would be expected, he is being distance-y in this last week. We communicate via email, and that is minimal. I am supposed to throw him a birthday party here, next weekend. I have no idea of the guest list or even if there is one. He is busy with work and against a deadline, but he is capable of answering the basics. He does this all the time. He has very poor phone return/email return time frames. This is part of the passive aggression: being late, not responding, withdrawing. I fear that because those techniques will not work when co-habitating he will use denial of sex as a means to express anger. I feel very unhappy today and yet I don't want to once again pull out a rug and subsequently apologize etc. If I bail, I have to bail and end the relationship for good as that would legitimately be too much. I also question my own fears of intimacy. You teach people how to treat you. One: make sure there is a rental/expenses agreement made out so that he knows exactly what he needs to be responsible for BEFORE he moves in. Rent, household utility bills, food expenses, and other hidden costs. Make sure verything is covered, 50-50. Secondly give him conditions of living together; shared tasks like washing dishes, clothes, tidying up, and household chores in general. Thirdly, write him an e-mail. Tell him that unless you receive notification of what exactly he wants to do about his party by the end of the day, and who he wants to invite, you refuse to take responsibility for organising it. Hopefully, he will be so affronted by these measures..... (which you would undertake if you were taking in a lodger/room-mate -why wouldn't you do it with someone you love? Surely that's even more important - this is business, not passion....!) ....that he will re-think moving in. I've seen too many judge Judy episodes where lovers have fallen out over non-payment of rent.... Start as you mean to go on. And take back control of your life.
Author PrettyPoppy Posted June 17, 2011 Author Posted June 17, 2011 I hear what you are saying. I also don't want to deal with passive aggressive crap with my own. It sort of validates a schema of finger pointing. He did finally respond, hours and hours after the email, this is typical, this has been discussed to no avail. That's the thing with PA- when they get angry they yes you to death and don't follow through. I could set up all sorts of outlines for cohabitation and I would be yes'd to death and subsequently, due to the reaction to a perceived "control" I seemingly am engaging in, he will just not follow through until I freak out and yell and make a jerk of myself. I called a therapist and have an appt for right after he moves in. I have gotten myself into this and now seemingly need to follow through. No matter what I will need to look at why in the world I think I can cope with things that overwhelm me. It's pretty co-dependent. You are sooo right that we teach others how to treat us. I've allowed myself to be sucked into this dance and hence by being a willing participant I've set a tone of power-struggle. I need to not engage. Fine, don't do the dishes, I don't care that you are over an hour late...if I neutralise the point (to frustrate me to get out his anger so I can blow up and express it for him) we may have a chance of him addressing his anger directly. I'm just not he most zen of people ...it pisses me off to no-end sigh.
Pianiste Posted June 17, 2011 Posted June 17, 2011 Maybe you should have a meeting with a therapist before he moves in. Are you ready to ignore everything he does, or doesn't do, that falls outside of your normal expectations, on a daily basis, just so the two of you can live together?
Author PrettyPoppy Posted June 18, 2011 Author Posted June 18, 2011 Am I ready, no. Do I want to be that passive, no, nor am I sure I can be. I will learn some self management skills (I can be selfish) and I like that aspect of it. It is an opportunity to work on myself in a trial by fire. I am feeling a bit better about this, mainly because I've sort of resigned myself to just take it day by day without any pressure for it to succeed, maybe worse, little hope it will succeed. I've never gone into something with this low of expectation. There is something to be said for doing things completely differently (Usually it's this unrealistic bliss lovey thing) On a positive note: if we are able to pull it off it will be cathartic for us both as we are pretty much parallel opposite types. On a negative note: he will be searching for an apt and I will have to grieve another relationship failure (I've had 3 major relationships) and he gets to check the box on Ok Cupid that says 'relationship, year or more" which will improve his marketability.
thatone Posted June 18, 2011 Posted June 18, 2011 I haven't posted in awhile but I need some feedback. My boyfriend is scheduled to move into my apt in 2 weeks and my gut tells me this is a mistake. Problem is, I've called it off last time we were set to move at great inconvenience to him. I also don't regret that decision. My notion is to just let it happen and then if it fails he can just leave. The apt is mine so I'm at no risk of losing the apartment. He is not physically violent or destructive. My main issue is he has never lived with a woman, he never apologizes and tends to be extremely passive aggressive. This is very difficult to deal with and I'm finding that for whatever reason I just don't feel so good about myself far more often than I should in this relationship. It is taking a bite into my self esteem. As would be expected, he is being distance-y in this last week. We communicate via email, and that is minimal. I am supposed to throw him a birthday party here, next weekend. I have no idea of the guest list or even if there is one. He is busy with work and against a deadline, but he is capable of answering the basics. He does this all the time. He has very poor phone return/email return time frames. This is part of the passive aggression: being late, not responding, withdrawing. I fear that because those techniques will not work when co-habitating he will use denial of sex as a means to express anger. I feel very unhappy today and yet I don't want to once again pull out a rug and subsequently apologize etc. If I bail, I have to bail and end the relationship for good as that would legitimately be too much. I also question my own fears of intimacy. and you are the exact same person he is, because you agree to things you don't want to do, and then back out at the last minute, by your own words at great inconvenience to him. congrats, you found a perfect match .
Author PrettyPoppy Posted June 18, 2011 Author Posted June 18, 2011 I agree with you Neal. I wrote, in my initial post, that my own intimacy issues may duly be in play. I think he and I struggle with very similar issues. We go about it in different ways: he passive-aggressive using stonewall tactics, I in an emotional and occasionally aggressive fashion: outbursts of frustration, tears, drama. Most are based on a lack of trust - period and has little to do with the other. When these flaws meet they are a perfect match, validating fear and creating a difficult dance. This also can be seen as a opportunity: bringing these problems to the surface and subsequently working on them. I am weary of my own bad behavior, over emotionality etc and truly desire to direct energy towards finding alternate methods of expressions of anger/fear/anxiety/hurt. In many ways the other possesses relationship skills that are the exact solution to the dysfunctional interaction. I need to back off, he needs to engage. The good: I'm the more aggressive one. Being I'm female, this is far safer than if it were the reverse. If the reverse it could have very unfortunate outcomes. In this schema, the outcome at worst is we just dislike one another and find ourselves needing to part ways, most likely for good.
thatone Posted June 18, 2011 Posted June 18, 2011 there are two other threads about bad communication near this one. i think it applies here too. rather than worrying about moving in together, i think a better conversation at this point is one about how you're not happy with the lack of communication, and it has to improve or your living arrangements will be short lived.
bac Posted June 18, 2011 Posted June 18, 2011 (edited) He tends to be extremely passive aggressive. I fear that he will use denial of sex as a means to express anger. I feel very unhappy.QUOTE=PrettyPoppy Can you focus on positives if there are any? What are positives for you? Is there anything good in the guy except that he will pay rent? Do you want to get married him? Do you want to have kids with him? You can not predict how it turns. But, If you are very negative about everything, it might turn out badly. Edited June 18, 2011 by bac
Author PrettyPoppy Posted July 7, 2011 Author Posted July 7, 2011 (edited) There were none. I was able to not pull-out at the last minute, which would have been logistically unfair. We also have not moved in together and we are over. There is just too much wrong. I think this relationship was based on how unkind I am to myself. I never got anything out of it but anxiety and I believe an ability to immerse myself in about everything I don't want. It was waning, meaning I must like myself more than this. Then, Monday, it just stopped. I just didn't want to do this anymore. This is the right thing, why is the right thing so painful at times? The weird part is, I don't know why this isn't a no-brainer, it should be. I'm also thinking wtf just happened to me? Edited July 7, 2011 by PrettyPoppy Too identifiable.
TaraMaiden Posted July 14, 2011 Posted July 14, 2011 ...... This is the right thing, why is the right thing so painful at times? Because doing the right thing isn't always the easy option. Because it hurts us to admit we phukked up.Because we realise that sticking to principles can be a lonely practice.Because we love too hard, to fast, too much for all the wrong reasons. Those 'wrong reasons' are that we try to love enough for both people. We inject so much love into them, in the hope it will return to us in good measure. And when it doesn't - therein is the vacuous pain. The weird part is, I don't know why this isn't a no-brainer, it should be. It is a no-brainer. But it still hurts, for the above reasons. I'm also thinking wtf just happened to me? you got real. You either get it, or you don't. And you - just got it.
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