richard9 Posted June 16, 2011 Posted June 16, 2011 ok, i havent tried this before so here goes :-) me and my gf have been together for 5 months (but known each other as friends before that for years), recently we have been having arguments (mainly due to me losing my job so things have been tight) and i have been moody. but it has made me something, that she does use me, for example when her friends are around she completely ignores me, but then when she wants something she will turn her full attention to me and be so nice to me today she just took it too far, she winds me up and treats / talks to me like sh*t but i find it builds up and builds up in me, and thats when i get into a mood. i do anything and everything for her, i drive her around, i drive her to her friends, i buy her meals, it seems just for that little bit of affection. she only tells me she loves me when she wants something, and after she gets it, she is again distant. My gut tells me that she doesnt like me but i try and try and try because the times when it is good we really do (it seems) have love for one another. but today i had enough of been treated like crap and i said ok lets just be friends, her reaction broke my heart, she just laughed and joked around like it meant nothing to her (although i know some girls do this as a defense mechanism) i was so upset then we went around to her friends and she said stop it, it will be just like it was. i was in too much pain and regret for what i had said that the glimour of getting back with her that i acted happy and normal. i wish she would appreciate the things i do for her, if she would just tell me once that she loved me it would be worth while, but the only time i hear those words is when she wants something. she is my life and i live for her, everything i do is for her, and that cant be healthy ? im so afraid of losing her, because i think back to the times when i did things for her and she did appreciate them, and i think of the good times we have had. question: should i take the bad times, for the good times we have together? do i have to weigh up the good times vs the bad times? when i split with her even tho it was for a short period, my world collapsed, and she didnt seem at all bothered, i dont understand why? should i continue taking her to her friends, while she leaves me for them and i am ignored, so i am a cab / taxi service (thats what it feels like)? everything we do we do together, or should i say everything i do we do together even in her ansence (if that makes sense), when she is not there i miss her and wonder what she is doing and if she misses me but i know deep down she does not if we do split up or stay as friends what if she finds someone else, it would kill me i can feel us drifting apart, and if i can feel that with the strong feelings i have to be with her, i am sure (maybe) that she already has it in her own head that it is over and she is just using me any advie appreciated
usabup Posted June 16, 2011 Posted June 16, 2011 Hey man! Sorry to hear your going through this, it sounds like a bit of a tough situation. How old are you both? I only ask as sometimes it's easier to give advice if you know the ages of the couple....
smudge21 Posted June 16, 2011 Posted June 16, 2011 I would say you need to force yourself to step back and make every effort to distance yourself from her. Simply say you can't do this anymore, be treated like this. She'll think you're just trying it on so you have to remain strong and focused. I think this girl is using you and has got to the point where she accepts you're always gonna' be there, no matter what. Basically, you've become part of the furniture so to speak. Now there's every chance she may not realise she's doing this (although by the sounds of things, she does), but either way you need to change the situation if you want this to move forward. Once you're no longer around she may miss you and come running, she may of course not bother and it may take a while to miss you. No one can say for sure, but it's clear if you stay where you are and do nothing, then nothing will change. Sadly some people only realise what they've got when it's gone, and this may just be the case now. I know it's hard to think about walking out - you put so much into a relationship that the thought of just giving up is so soul destroying. I understand that first hand, believe me. But staying in something like this is just as bad, if not worse. It won't be easy and, like getting off any addiction, you will be tempted to slip up and go back. The choice is yours. See what others say before making any decisions though.
Author richard9 Posted June 17, 2011 Author Posted June 17, 2011 Hey man! Sorry to hear your going through this, it sounds like a bit of a tough situation. How old are you both? I only ask as sometimes it's easier to give advice if you know the ages of the couple.... i am 30 and she is 24, its very difficult to feel like you're been used, and i want to be with her soooo much, but i feel she only wants to be with me when 1) there are none of her friends to hang around with, or 2) when she needs me to do something for her I would say you need to force yourself to step back and make every effort to distance yourself from her. Simply say you can't do this anymore, be treated like this. She'll think you're just trying it on so you have to remain strong and focused. I think this girl is using you and has got to the point where she accepts you're always gonna' be there, no matter what. Basically, you've become part of the furniture so to speak. Now there's every chance she may not realise she's doing this (although by the sounds of things, she does), but either way you need to change the situation if you want this to move forward. Once you're no longer around she may miss you and come running, she may of course not bother and it may take a while to miss you. No one can say for sure, but it's clear if you stay where you are and do nothing, then nothing will change. Sadly some people only realise what they've got when it's gone, and this may just be the case now. I know it's hard to think about walking out - you put so much into a relationship that the thought of just giving up is so soul destroying. I understand that first hand, believe me. But staying in something like this is just as bad, if not worse. It won't be easy and, like getting off any addiction, you will be tempted to slip up and go back. The choice is yours. See what others say before making any decisions though. thanks so much for your reply it really helped in this difficult time the part about been part of the furniture is definetely true, we have been together for so long and see each other everyday, and she has come to expect me to be there and do things for her, so much so that i feel it is more of expectation than appreciation. i have given (and given up) so much for her, and yes she has stood by me, and we have had fun times together i think if we can get through this we will be okay, but i dont know if i have the strength or energy anymore to make it work. but i get a knot in my stomach when i think about us not being together anymore, and to think of her with someone else does kill me inside. maybe i can try distancing myself from her to 1) lessen the pain 2) in the hope that she will miss me, but i feel she will only miss the things i do for her when i said lets just be friends and she laughed and joked it away, and didnt seem bothered, i cant get that out of my head today
usabup Posted June 17, 2011 Posted June 17, 2011 Well although there is not a huge age gap between you, she is still quite young and may not feel ready to be at the settling down stage yet. She may really like you, but she does take you for granted that's for sure. Maybe you doing everything for her makes you look a little weak and she takes advantage of that. I agree with the other poster, I think you should stop doing things for her for a while, take a step back from the relationship and see how she reacts. I don't mean break up with her, just become less available for a while and see. It will make you come across stronger and more independant. And it will be a start to her having a bit more respect for you.
Author richard9 Posted June 23, 2011 Author Posted June 23, 2011 thanks for all the help and replies, really appreciated i have started spending time with my friends a bit more and not doing / buying things for her, i think its definately making her appreciate me a little more saying that its made me realise i was becoming a bit obsessive and living my life for her, which i think she was happy to let me do its still very hard, but the time spent with my other friends helps to make me realise i can live my life without living it for her which i think is cool i do miss her like hell and wish she would come running into my arms as soon as i say i am going to spend time with someone else, but life doesnt work like that i guess. She is a little confused and upset now i think, because now it seems she hates my friends for taking me away. but im not going to be used anymore, and (i never thought i would say this) if i lose her, then i lose her. i dont know how i got caught in the cycle of doing things all the time to please her, but its not a place i want to be in, especially as everything is now more an expectation than something to be thankful for. she asked me to buy her a meal tonight, and for the first time since i can remember i said no i havent got much money (which is true). she got in a mood and said i dont want to see your friends, dont bother picking me up if they are there. its nice that she can go off with her friends and ignore me all the time isnt it also i have stopped making the effort, i usually dont like sitting in silence and try get a conversation going, but i just turned the radio on, and she actually tryed to make conversation for once!!! which i thought was a really good result!!! i just dont want to push it too far, but the weekend is coming and i know she will want to be with her friends all weekend, and me give her rides in my car when she wants should i keep the distance, or start to warm back to her? if she ignores me as usual when her friends are there i really dont see why i should make an effort. least she knows now that i have other people to be with, and i would say that if anyone else is in my situation, go out on your own and make new friends or catch up with old ones, your girlfriend will start to take notice!! i just dont want to be saying in a weeks time that i poushed her away, but then she pushes me away all the time anyway just she doesnt know she does it.
Chi townD Posted June 23, 2011 Posted June 23, 2011 THERE YA GO!!! You stopped being a doormat that she can walk all over. You saw it a long time ago that she was using you. When you're in a relationship you have to accommodate each other! If one comes into finical straits they other should be aware and not expect much and vice versa....I think you're going in the right direction. And if she doesn't like it, there's the door! Find someone else to be your sucker!
Author richard9 Posted June 23, 2011 Author Posted June 23, 2011 THERE YA GO!!! You stopped being a doormat that she can walk all over. You saw it a long time ago that she was using you. When you're in a relationship you have to accommodate each other! If one comes into finical straits they other should be aware and not expect much and vice versa....I think you're going in the right direction. And if she doesn't like it, there's the door! Find someone else to be your sucker! Thanks! my immediate reaction tomorrow is to meet up with her with a gift and say sorry, but i know i cant do that just yet, or should i? i think i will stay distant over the weekend and see what happens, you never know she may choose to spend time with me instead of her friends i love her so much and its memories that make it so difficult, of when she used to appreciate what i did for her i know i must stay strong, and do what i did today... i was a strong, confident person who didnt care if she was with me or not damn its the nights that get me tho, so think i will go to bed early, everything seems fresh in the mornings im spending my time with a good friend tomorrow and she makes me feel good about myself and appreciates that i am helping her find a job (she is just a friend tho). if i can go tomorrow and the weekend not running around after my girlfriend i think i will have made my point. im just rambling, but you know what got me today, was that we went to kiss and we missed and i wanted to kiss her so much like we used to, and she was like oh well lol but then when she wanted the meal she was kissing me, it is really frustrating, she only shows any affection for me when she wants something. i think i will tell her tomorrow that she cant only show affection when she wants something, it would be nice sometimes to get an i love you or a kiss, without me making the first move or when she wants something. if someone wants to comment it would help
DoubleRainbow Posted June 23, 2011 Posted June 23, 2011 I would not suggest you to say SORRY to her..why? it should come from her, instead! Regarding the weekend, don't be available for her as a Cab-driver...may be you can make it clear that I am looking forward to our time together...just you n me. You keep feeling that she is using u, big time! But did you ever tell her...may be she does not even have the sensitivity to realize what she has been doing to u all this time!! Instead of choking yourself with all these thoughts, u need to tell her that You really love her but she need to put the same sincerity and care into the relationship. And i must applaud you...I thought that your kind of guys did not exist anymore...so caring and giving. Blessings!!
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