Irina Posted June 16, 2011 Posted June 16, 2011 Im new here, and i wasn't quite sure where to put this, so i hope it's ok! Basically, im a 19 year old virgin, and im starting to worry it's really holding me back in terms of dating Im not entirely inexperienced, ive had about 3 serious boyfriends and i made a point of telling them i was a virgin at various stages in the relationships. I felt it was the mature thing to do. My first boyfriend wasn't surprised, as i was 16 and didn't exactly flaunt myself Ive basically done everything but full sex, and it's not a religious thing because i dont see much wrong with sex. Im practically addicted to giving and receiving oral. But only when im in a relationship and really like the guy, (for some reason it feels more like 'fooling around' than full sex, even though it carries many of the same risks). What im trying to say is, i feel like my first time, and making myself that vulnerable, should be with someone i love, who loves me back, and who i can trust. I want it to be. And therein lies the problem I feel like telling guys im a virgin, is the biggest turn-off on earth. A lot of them (guys in their twenties even) tell me they thought i was really experienced, that they'd never have guessed. Ive never had a problem attracting men, im constantly being told im beautiful by men and women alike, being approached, etc But i feel like im hiding a huge man-repellant, which is my virginity it upsets me so much sometimes I think a lot of this stems from my last relationship He was 22, and a month into us dating the conversation came up. He had been with a LOT of women. 70, i think he said And i nervously told him i had done everything but sex. I was a virgin. And he looked disgusted and said i was a freak, "but you're NINETEEN irina!!" etc Im crying now remembering it. I never really had a problem before this, my first boyfriend was quite patient and understanding. Said it didn't bother him but for some reason beyond my understanding, i kept going out with this guy, fooling around with him (oral etc) and he always had nothing but compliments, said he was surprised considering i was a virgin He was however, manipulative and abusive in other ways, and eventually i got the courage to end things He told me 'good luck getting anyone else, i couldn't get over what a turn-off your virginity is. yeah, you're not a slut, but no guy wants that amount of responsibility. I certainly don't. You should lie to the next guy, he wont know any different, and just get it over with. It's a boner killer." Yes, he was getting dumped and was abusive ANYWAY, but his words have really stuck with me. I never made a big deal out of my virginity, i was hardly shy in the bedroom, if anything i mentioned it once and never did again after i was embarrassed from him calling me a freak I can't shake the feeling that im a huge disappointment to men Which ive NEVER felt like before, ive only had guys telling me how easy i am to talk to, how gorgeous i am....now i feel like i should come with a warning label, or a disclaimer And what's worse is, it feels like he's RIGHT. Any guy ive been with since, when we get to fooling around and they want to go further, when i tell them i want to wait til i know them better because it's my first time and they'll have to be gentle....it's like all of a sudden they arent attracted to me anymore. The same men who say they dont know how they got lucky enough to get a stunning, smart girl And i have a feeling i would LOVE sex. Im pretty insatiable when it comes to everything else. Ive even had one boyfriend 8 years my senior saying he could barely keep up with me. Ive only fooled around with those 3 men, boyfriends. I just really enjoy it. But i want to feel valued and safe during sex, like any woman. I desperately want to meet a guy who loves me for me, and doesnt mind waiting a bit. Who doesn't care that im a virgin, and who i can trust and isn't 'turned off by the "responsibility"' But im starting to feel like that's just a fantasy. And the longer i wait for him to arrive, the bigger a 'freak' ill be by then. That im eliminating 90% of men by being a virgin, and it doesnt matter how beautiful or smart or funny guys say i am, because i still come with that burden. That everything my ex said is true. I have a bunch of guys i could call round to my flat right now and get this over with. Not all at the same time lol, i mean im not struggling to find RANDOM guys who are decent but i dont know that well who would happily hit it and quit it if i offered that. But part of me doesn't want to: i want to cling to the hope that some guy will value it. That he wont be the 'we can hold hands when we're married' type either, just a decent guy who cares about me, and doesnt think im a freak for waiting I dont know what to do am i shooting myself in the foot for still waiting at 19? Should i stop telling guys like my ex said, and hope he sticks around after sex so im not completely messed up from the experience? Should i get a guy that i know JUST wants sex, and isnt a serial killer, and get it over with so it's never an issue again? Do some guys NOT find it a turn-off? Any advice or help would be much appreciated. I feel pretty worthless right now
vsmini Posted June 16, 2011 Posted June 16, 2011 Do what feels right and don't be ashamed of your virginity - you're 19!!!!!! to you it's the oldest you've ever been but you have no idea how young that is. and I'm sorry - 70 girls? LOL and 22 years old? PLEASE. He's disgusting, insecure and a total loser. The fact that he was with a girl that wasn't just giving it up to him like the other 70 idiots out there did, no doubt, made him feel inferior and insecure. I'm not budging on this statement one bit. If what you're saying is true and what he said actually happened....he's just a small little boy. Srsly honey - you're 19. Please don't go giving it up to some jergoff just because you want to be rid of it. Do what you want and when you want. You can't respect yourself until you do that. Don't lie to the next guy you are with. YOU ARE YOU! They can accept it or they can't. And if someone wants to walk out of your life because you're a virgin then let them go!
Author Irina Posted June 16, 2011 Author Posted June 16, 2011 He doesn't. But it was a horrible relationship in hindsight, and any relationship takes some getting over. It ended 2 months ago, and im glad it did. He threatened to hit me, just once, but it was all i needed to end it. But if you're trying to say HE had the power to make me look at myself and my virginity in a different way, sadly, then you're absolutely right.
leaaanne Posted June 16, 2011 Posted June 16, 2011 honey! you're not a freak, honestly, sometimes i'd wished i'd waited as long as you to lose mine. i'm actually surprised being a virgin would be a turn off, i mean if a vagina gets used too much it stretches, so a virgin is going to preeetty tight, which would seem like a turn on. what he said to you was harsh, and you shouldn't believe it. there is going to be someone out there who will wait for you and take on the 'responsibility' of you being a virgin -it's not much of a responsibility if you ask me. like vsmini said, do what you want when you want. but, just don't do anything stupid good luck! leanne ^.^
Ouroboros Posted June 16, 2011 Posted June 16, 2011 He doesn't. But it was a horrible relationship in hindsight, and any relationship takes some getting over. It ended 2 months ago, and im glad it did. He threatened to hit me, just once, but it was all i needed to end it. But if you're trying to say HE had the power to make me look at myself and my virginity in a different way, sadly, then you're absolutely right. You've allowed him to maintain a controlling influence over you and you haven't broken yourself of it yet. You'll find there will be guys who will see your virginity as a positive or a negative. You can't allow it to get to you. Many guys will see it as manipulation since it is a common method for women to use, but you know what you are looking for and shouldn't allow their words to shake you.
Intergalactic Posted June 16, 2011 Posted June 16, 2011 he's a douche, and so is any other guy who dumps you for being a virgin. incredibly shallow. do what you want and what feels right. if you want to wait until you're in love, do so. otherwise you will regret it.
Author Irina Posted June 16, 2011 Author Posted June 16, 2011 Oursboros, i don't understand how telling men you're a virgin and want to wait until you're comfortable is manipulative? Or are you referring to something else related to the topic as manipulation? I dont understand what you're trying to say there, please explain
Author Irina Posted June 16, 2011 Author Posted June 16, 2011 And i know he still has a slight controlling influence on me, but im not looking for advice on how to break it, nor am i willing to discuss it further here, because i dont think this forum is the appropriate place to do so. Id rather not focus on the nature and aftermath of the relationship itself, rather use the insight and advice of others to see how much truth there is in what he said about my virginity, and whether i should stop waiting for my ideal situation to lose it or not
Ouroboros Posted June 16, 2011 Posted June 16, 2011 Oursboros, i don't understand how telling men you're a virgin and want to wait until you're comfortable is manipulative? Or are you referring to something else related to the topic as manipulation? I dont understand what you're trying to say there, please explain Withholding sex is a means of manipulation and control exerted by women. Most men have experience in this. That's how they might see your claims of virginity and refusal to have sex which they have developed countermeasures for. It will most often take the form of their word rather than any action. These insults are apart of that. Whatever they might say you need to only remember and focus on what you are looking for. I never indicated you were one of these women using rejection as a tool.
iJester Posted June 16, 2011 Posted June 16, 2011 I don't think your biggest problem is being a virgin, most guys are understanding of that. The main issue is how willing to have sex are you, and what will it take for you to be ready? Making a guy wait months for sex is frustrating and makes a guy constantly question how much this girl actually likes him. Most guys, especially at your age, are not going to wait around forever(and they shouldn't) because you will seem like you're using sex as a weapon at a certain point.
Ouroboros Posted June 16, 2011 Posted June 16, 2011 And i know he still has a slight controlling influence on me, but im not looking for advice on how to break it, nor am i willing to discuss it further here, because i dont think this forum is the appropriate place to do so. Id rather not focus on the nature and aftermath of the relationship itself, rather use the insight and advice of others to see how much truth there is in what he said about my virginity, and whether i should stop waiting for my ideal situation to lose it or not There are many guys today who will head for the door if you deny them sex, but they are not the kind of guy you want so they don't matter. If the guy doesn't make you feel comfortable enough to have sex then he's not right for you. The way you select men to have sex with won't change since you let one slip by who you wouldn't have otherwise to get your virginity out of the way. The first matters as much as the last and the middle.
Author Irina Posted June 16, 2011 Author Posted June 16, 2011 See, im not sure what im scared of if i just give it to any guy Particularly because i actually WANT to have sex Ouroboro, do ou really think it's true that the first matters as much as the middle etc? Because for some reason that gives me some comfort. Like it doesnt really matter I guess ive always held the belief, from others' experiences and general anecdotes and more importantly from knowing my personality, that if your FIRST time isnt right, it's still the one you always remember, the one you dont want to throw away because it's your introduction and first impression of sex It's not that im withholding sex from guys indefinitely, and if they think that i am..i dont think we'd work out anyway. im waiting on someone decent who ive developed a good bond with who wouldnt make the experience unpleasant Obviously men are going to be frustrated if they dont get sex for months, that's why i either dont date them if i get the impression they're the hit it and quit it type, or tell them up front so they can take it or leave it What you're saying worries me because in saying guys arent going to wait that long for sex, which is true in most cases, then isnt my virginity a HUGE hindrance dating wise? Because even if i make it clear i want to have sex with them when we know each other better, the few months of getting to know each other sex-free will make them bolt for the door out of frustration? I guess im afraid of 'getting it over with' with a guy i know well but doesnt actually CARE that much about me, then feeling used, messed up, upset...what have you. Is that likely? :s or should i just get it over with and not think about it after? is that possible?
iJester Posted June 16, 2011 Posted June 16, 2011 (edited) You definitely need to comfortable with the guy, and I'm not suggesting that you just "get it out of the way". After a couple(that's two) of months, most guys, even guys that aren't hit it and quit it types are going to start questioning how much you like them, or if you are just using them for all the benefits of a relationship(which girls do all the time, and it sounds like you have been doing it too). Your virginity is not the hinderance. Your apprehension toward sex is. Most guys wouldn't mind that you haven't had sex before, it just makes them them wonder if you will have sex with them. You've had 3 "serious" boyfriends and not had sex before...that is the real turn off. No guy, good or bad, wants to be in a sexless relationship. I would suggest that you tell guys that you don't have sex outside of an exclusive relationship. Then, do not enter into an exclusive relationship until you feel you are ready to have sex. Edited June 16, 2011 by iJester
Author Irina Posted June 16, 2011 Author Posted June 16, 2011 But i dont want a sexless relationship either, i just dont know if i could trust a guy id only known for 2 months Arent most people a little apprehensive about losing their virginity? I just want them to still be there in the morning when i do Im getting the feeling from what you're saying Jester, that my ex was exactly right I just want to get rid of it now so i dont have to feel like im being rushed....
Author Irina Posted June 16, 2011 Author Posted June 16, 2011 And how would i ever tell after 2 months if he was a guy just looking to humour me, then sleep with me (and ive had a few who did BECAUSE im a virgin and they wanted to be able to say they were the first, pathetically) or a good guy who was getting impatient? Obviously that's always going to be an issue, but for my first time? Wouldnt it mess me up if they dumped me after i did something that was important to me with them? I feel like if i dont fit the guy's libido's timeline (2 months apparently), im not good enough as a woman then
iJester Posted June 16, 2011 Posted June 16, 2011 I really don't think you should do it just to do it. Yes, most people are a little apprehensive/scared/anxious to lose their virginity, but after 3 relationships, you should either have sex or stop entering into relationships until you're ready. Sex is a normal part of any romantic relationship, so withholding for a long period is going to make any guy wonder how much you really like him. I'm not saying that you can't find some doormat that will wait a year for sex; you certainly can(probably on this forum, even), but most guys(even the sincere guys that are true keepers) aren't going to wait several months. I'd say three months is the upper limit and really pushing it, especially at your age.
iJester Posted June 16, 2011 Posted June 16, 2011 After two months of regularly seeing each other, you should have a good feel for what a person is like. There are exceptions and deceptions, but that's a chance you have to take and that's really what love is about, I think. There are people that will "wait it out", just to sleep with you, but most won't. If a guy wants to see you a few times a week for a few months, he's usually very interested.
LittleTiger Posted June 16, 2011 Posted June 16, 2011 Irina, your ex is a nasty piece of work and you should forget about everything he said. I didn't lose my virginity until I was 21. I have always had more than my fair share of male attention and it started in my early teens because I developed physically very young. By the time I was 15 I was called a tease - and I'd never gone further than kissing at that point - never even allowed a boy to move his hand off my waist! They were just pissed because I wouldn't let them touch me. That just showed me what 'men' can be like and it got worse as I got older. I never declared my virginity to anyone, I don't think it was anyone's business but mine - I just went as far as felt right for me. If a guy wasn't happy with that, I showed him the door. It was my body and my decision. You don't have to tell guys you're a virgin, you can just tell them you're not ready to have sex with them and go only as far as you're comfortable with. If they try to coerce you (by being nasty like your ex), you dump them - immediately - that's not the sort of guy you want to be with anyway. When you find a guy you want full sex with, he's the one you tell - if you want to. You might not want to - in the heat of the moment it may not be important, so you can tell him afterwards. Nineteen is very young and the first time is rarely how you want it be - even if you are in love. You may well remember it forever but I doubt it will have any long term significance afterwards - unless you marry the guy in question. Which also means you can lose it to 'whoever', provided you will still respect yourself afterwards - that's all that matters. Sex gets better with practise anyway, which usually means that the 'early days' fade into insignificance once you become an 'expert'! Do it whenever you're ready - not before!
TimothyParadox Posted June 16, 2011 Posted June 16, 2011 How can being a virgin possibly be a negative thing for a girl... I'd love for my gf to be a virgin. It proves she values herself and doesn't just sleep with anyone. I see it as kind of romantic. Btw if you have no moral issues with oral sex, then why do you even care about your "virginity"? You're about as innocent as the average mobster.
rafallus Posted June 16, 2011 Posted June 16, 2011 If you DO want to have sex, but are still a virgin, you just have to find a guy who can handle you. Looks like your previous boyfriends couldn't.
P&R Posted June 16, 2011 Posted June 16, 2011 You're not a freak... It's not bad to wait to have sex at all. I myself am a virgin at the age of 20, and my girlfriend is one at the age of 23. We've been together for 7 months and we've known each other for about a year. Don't let anyone insult you for being a virgin.
bluebell1981 Posted June 16, 2011 Posted June 16, 2011 How can being a virgin possibly be a negative thing for a girl... I'd love for my gf to be a virgin. It proves she values herself and doesn't just sleep with anyone. I see it as kind of romantic. Btw if you have no moral issues with oral sex, then why do you even care about your "virginity"? You're about as innocent as the average mobster. ^This. 19? You are so young. Don't worry about it, don't obsess about it. I know, it's hard at that age. But--here's a story. My best girlfriend is 32 and a virgin. She's gorgeous, sweet, fun...she is just waiting for the right relationship, and she hasn't found it yet. Probably because she works a ton and also has a whole lotta $. I myself am not very experienced, b/c I also believe in relationships over hit it and quit it. What else do you want to do with your life other than lose your virginity? There are SO many opportunities for you. Man, I wish I was 19 again. I don't quite get why you are more liberal with oral sex than regular sex? I think oral is FAR more intimate than 'regular' sex.
Feelsgoodman Posted June 16, 2011 Posted June 16, 2011 It's not your virginity that's scaring men away buy the fact that you were involved in 3 serious relationships (in your own words), yet are still a virgin. You say you need to be "comfortable" and "safe" (whatever that means) with a guy to have sex with him...so why would you be in a serious relationship with someone who you don't feel comfortable and safe with??? Men have an expectation that a woman would put out within a reasonable time frame. If there is no sex, what's the point of being in a relationship? I wouldn't call you a freak, but your attitude towards sex is definitely unusual. Contrary to what Bill Clinton would have you believe, oral sex is still sex. And if you are willing to do anything but penetration, it just confuses men.
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