TearyEyedPride Posted June 16, 2011 Posted June 16, 2011 May 27th Breakup; June 5th NC Yesterday I was looking for some important documents and I ran across his letters... and all of his cards... and that dimming ache I had in my chest felt a twinge of pain. I'm not even going to lie, I read them. I know... what did I expect right? But I read them partly out of curiosity, and I guess the other part nostalgia. I miss him... I do. As much as I don't want to, and have willed myself not to I still do. The cards were filled with now broken promises and lies. "I'll always love you", "We'll always be together", "I can't see myself or my future without you". The letters would gush about being in love and spending our futures together and it sucks because it's now all lies that I bought into! I had trust issues since childhood because of my parent's divorce but I allowed myself to be convinced by this one that he wouldn't hurt me, that he was "special" and would be different from the numerous examples of backstabbing slimey utterly disgusting and morally corrupt people I'd seen before. I feel so stupid and naive for believing that (Pedistal cracked!!). Yeah I know I'm responsible for my own happiness but I was happy before him and with him. Maybe not in the same way before him, but not-trusting people with ill intentions helped me make good decisions in life. However, now that's it over... it's like I fell for his game. He ultimately helped me convince myself that loving him would be ok, and it wasn't. I wanna hate him, but that part that still loves him won't allow me to and it's literally pissing me off. It's like a part of me is raging mad. I wanna set something on fire or destroy something but I can't find a target and so it's just burning and consuming me whenever I think about him. I think I'm beginning to hate myself for being so naive. I tried to force self-love upon myself. Put the focus on me me me. Pamper yourself... exercise... realize all the good you can do with this time to yourself. Great! GREAT! I do all of that and then when I'm alone guess what happens? The thoughts creep right back in as passionately as before. I'm tired of trying to fool myself into being ok during the dark moments. There are parts of my day when I'm fine, I'm just peachy (no literally, I'll be great). Or maybe I'm just in denial. But I'll feel fine, like life will go on, I will get better, I will blah blah blah and woo hoo hoo on through. But when I have those bad moments... they rage with a life of their own. I think NC is good because at this state... I can't deal with pretending everything will be ok with my ex or between my ex and I. I know i'm in no condition to be his friend harboring these feelings, and I'm not in a mood to contain them or be "cordial" "polite" "diplomatic" "nice" when it comes to how I feel right now. He doesn't give a f*ck about me anymore. If he did... his actions would say otherwise. I'm yesterday's garbage to him and yet he's not worthy of the kind of love that I'm capable of giving. That's the harsh reality of it. If I could do it all over... I wouldn't have trusted him. It's sad to say but I mean it sincerely when I say I don't want to ever let anyone get this close to my heart again. First love my *ss, great experience my *ss. I'm beyond angry and I regret falling in love. So what if it's my first real love, I don't care... if you have to do this pain over and over again wtf is the real point of it?! Just so I can find the "one" out of the billions of people in the world that will prove all of doubt wrong? I should've pursued success instead... What makes it even worse is that I feel bad for posting all of this! I think I'm becoming a LS junkie. Not alcohol, not drugs, but a website where everyone here has been just as hurt or betrayed as me if not more. How is it helping? I mean I've talked to my family and my friends, so if I'm forced to burden you guys with my feelings what does that say about my character? I feel bad for dumping my personal problems on you guys when you don't deserve the feelings I'm harboring, other than my gratitude for the kind words and the good advice you guys give. Ugh... I just feel like I'm stuck here. Guns blazings, doused in alcohol with a fire burning within. Any thoughts?
JR2315 Posted June 16, 2011 Posted June 16, 2011 Well ok on the very first day she dumped me I took all our pictures and ripped em to shreds, threw away all her notes, deleted her email and FB msgs, took her off my phone, and I made sure my computer was CLEAN of anything that would remind me of her. but why did you bother keeping those stuff ??? Dont feel bad sharing your problems on here either, theres no shame in that. I keep a tab always open just for LS i find that reading other peoples advice and problems motivate myself.
Author TearyEyedPride Posted June 16, 2011 Author Posted June 16, 2011 I did the box up thing. Like all the pictures, physical memorabilia, and digital photos and everything else were either put in a box in storage, burned or deleted. I had most of the cards and letters in there too. Unfortunately... when changing photo albums for christmas, apparently I also put a stash of cards (not just from him) but from others as well in another section, and it got me.
JR2315 Posted June 16, 2011 Posted June 16, 2011 I was gonna go for the box method too but then my mom told me that if it is meant to be then we can make more memories in the future. If its not then I shouldnt care about something which just reminds of how i was betrayed. So my advice would be just throwing them all away, dont even read them again! just get rid of them! I think you replied to my other thread and I completely understand how you feel. I mean we gave these people everything and we were willing to stick it out for them no matter how hard it got. But that just gives me hope at the same time, look at it this way... Im sure there are others out there who will give us the same unconditional love. I just tell myself, I need a woman who will be with me through thick n thin not some girl who will just leave me because of some stupid reason. The hard part for us is opening our hearts to love and be loved again. Im not entirely sure how to do this tbh. Im sure we both thought that they were the ones who we'll spend the rest of our lives with. But lets just be optimistic and look forward to the day that were completely healed and have moved on
Author TearyEyedPride Posted June 16, 2011 Author Posted June 16, 2011 Maybe I'm wrong, but I don't believe in "what's meant to be" anymore. I think it's half the anger, and half belief that leads me to believe that life and relationships are what you make them when you have them. I'm definitely too angry to be optimistic, but reality is, eventually the strong feelings I have for this guy will die down with time. They won't be as passionate. I'm pretty sure I'm headed in the wrong direction with how I view him, and love though. I mean until we all can find someone who reciprocates love the way that we personally view it, and wanna work at it like we do, then we're doomed to repeat this vicious cycle and I want out of the game! Right now! F*ck the general idea of love and being in love. I don't think I'm going to hold my breath on finding someone who sees it like I do, but I'm not gonna change my expectation of what it should be either. It's too sacred and precious for alot of the people we waste it on. Maybe I'm too young, too hurt, bitter, jilted or whatever. I'm not gonna go out and sleep around trying to fill the void in my chest that way, or drink or smoke and stuff. I'm just a good girl who was on naive enough to believe she was on cloud 9, of course the weather pattern changed and she got dropped face first against the ground, and is now being rained on. I'll let LS be my vice for now, because apparently I still have enough to express? Idk... I also like helping others too. Maybe I'll just stick to commenting. I just might take your advice on the trashing the memories though. Maybe I'll burn them to shreds in a beautiful backyard bonfire, and dance around the flames like a heathen. Sounds fun. I'm really just tired of the whole emotional rollercoaster. I wish it was over already.
JR2315 Posted June 16, 2011 Posted June 16, 2011 Awww well dont be so glum!!! Well the best thing I can say to you is love is a process of trial and error. Both my parents went through their share of heartbreaks before they found each other, they said by the time they got together they were mature enough to handle whatever problem came to them. Sadly we dont live in an ideal world where you meet one guy/girl and you spend the rest of your lives with them. I was disappointed in hearing and realizing this but i guess in the future just take things slow. . Please dont give up! stay strong!
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