John Michael Kane Posted June 20, 2011 Posted June 20, 2011 Please!! The innocent gf is already being hurt Which I obviously pointed out. So "please" with the ignorance. she's being cheated on, lied to and played for a fool. If this guy leaves her - he'd be doing her a favor. Exactly but like a lot of cheaters, they won't do it immediately. Some go on living lies for years. You know this. but you are right - no one can "get" anyone to do anything. That's true, and when I said it, I didn't mean that OP can force him. Yea but seriously is the need to encourage her to continue her self-destructive behavior viable? No it's not. But if they're both going to cheat on their partners - they're better off together, allowing their SOs to find people that can be faithful to them. But as I stated before cheaters are selfish beings and will often move when the tide is in their favor.
Owl Posted June 20, 2011 Posted June 20, 2011 Owl I wanted to send you a PM but I don't have access to that function yet because I'm new. Just wanted to thank you again for your advice. I know it's what I need to do and as of today I've started to act on that. I have a lot of work to do and I know it's going to be a rough road. Glad to hear it! Nice to know that occasionally my advice helps someone. Suggestion...continue to post here, use this place to get the support you need to do what's right. If you get too much stress from some of the posters, there is an 'ignore' function. But don't ignore someone's advice just because you don't agree with it...just use it to ignore anything you feel is a personal attack or just patently not helpful.
TigerCub Posted June 21, 2011 Posted June 21, 2011 Which I obviously pointed out. So "please" with the ignorance. Exactly but like a lot of cheaters, they won't do it immediately. Some go on living lies for years. You know this. Yea but seriously is the need to encourage her to continue her self-destructive behavior viable? No it's not. But as I stated before cheaters are selfish beings and will often move when the tide is in their favor. Please!! You just like to argue for the sake of it. We're both admitting that the gf is the innocent one being hurt here, and its best for the cheating guy to leave her, and yet you must find some stupid arguments to pretty much say what I'm saying, but do it in your dumbass argumentative way. ok, hope it made you feel important for just a minute
Author bananarama Posted June 21, 2011 Author Posted June 21, 2011 Glad to hear it! Nice to know that occasionally my advice helps someone. Suggestion...continue to post here, use this place to get the support you need to do what's right. If you get too much stress from some of the posters, there is an 'ignore' function. But don't ignore someone's advice just because you don't agree with it...just use it to ignore anything you feel is a personal attack or just patently not helpful. Thanks Owl. I haven't been totally successful in breaking all contact and continue to chit-chat a bit online. At first I tried to convince myself that it was to keep things friendly (we will no doubt cross paths in the future) but I know it's not true. We didn't chat between events before and things were always friendly (too friendly obviously.) I need to get back to that. I have absolutely nothing to base this on, but I get the feeling he doesn't want to be in contact. I know this is ridiculous, but it hurts that he doesn't want to be my friend. I need to get over this. I also need to stop watching his every move online. I really need to forget him.
Owl Posted June 21, 2011 Posted June 21, 2011 What you need to do is get angry. He doesn't want to be your friend? So that's kinda saying he wanted you in only one way...how insulting! Get ticked off! And use that anger to take steps to truly end all of this. REMOVE him from your life. Block him from being able to contact you...online and in any other fashion. Remove him from your contacts so that you're not tempted to "peek in on him" in a moment of weakness. Stop being so nice about it...get mad and do something to protect yourself from being hurt any further by this guy!
John Michael Kane Posted June 22, 2011 Posted June 22, 2011 Please!! Sorry can't adhere to your pleas. You just like to argue for the sake of it. Just pointing out the facts. We're both admitting that the gf is the innocent one being hurt here, and its best for the cheating guy to leave her, So you're saying when a relationship is on the rocks it's okay to cheat and run off with another man/woman. Doing that solves nothing and it's immature, abusive behavior. and yet you must find some stupid arguments to pretty much say what I'm saying, but do it in your dumbass argumentative way. See that's where you're wrong and assumptive. You gotta understand we are not the same and what I said was completely different. I don't encourage destructive behavior. ok, hope it made you feel important for just a minute Believe me I don't need to cheat and encourage cheating to attempt to stand in the limelight.
Author bananarama Posted June 22, 2011 Author Posted June 22, 2011 OK ... I'm starting to feel better about things, like the situation has leveled off. If anyone reading this is in the same situation I can say that it does get better with work and time. I realize that I had idealized him into something perfect, when he's just a regular guy. I realize what a huge mistake the whole thing was, it totally wasn't worth it. SO not worth it. If there is only one thing I take from this, it will be that I NEVER do anything like this again. I've started working on myself, and my relationship. It's hard, but it is going well (so far.) Another regret I have about this is the fact that we could have been really great friends. We would both benefit in our careers by having a connection, and we both very much enjoy conversations. I thought yesterday that he didn't want to talk to me, but we ended up having a chat, and he opened up about a problem he was having. Does anyone think it would be possible for us to be friends?
East7 Posted June 22, 2011 Posted June 22, 2011 What you need to do is get angry. He doesn't want to be your friend? So that's kinda saying he wanted you in only one way...how insulting! Get ticked off! And use that anger to take steps to truly end all of this. REMOVE him from your life. Block him from being able to contact you...online and in any other fashion. Remove him from your contacts so that you're not tempted to "peek in on him" in a moment of weakness. Stop being so nice about it...get mad and do something to protect yourself from being hurt any further by this guy! Owl, I'm kind of suprised of this advice.. unless you are being sarcastic. He doesn't want to be friends with her because he knows it is all BS. There is nothing insulting to refuse being friends with your AP. BTW you are the one usually being adamant against any form of friendship between fAP. And trying to hate or vilifiying him is not going to fix anything. OP needs to figure out if she wants or not with her BF. Her OM is no more responsible than she is of her own actions.
East7 Posted June 22, 2011 Posted June 22, 2011 I realize that I had idealized him into something perfect, when he's just a regular guy. Your BF is (probably) a regular guy too, the difference is that you have a relationship with him . Beauty is in the eyes of the beholder. I realize what a huge mistake the whole thing was, it totally wasn't worth it. SO not worth it. If there is only one thing I take from this, it will be that I NEVER do anything like this again.This is your guilt talking. Where was it when you decided to sleep with OM ? Another regret I have about this is the fact that we could have been really great friends. We would both benefit in our careers by having a connection, and we both very much enjoy conversations.You can't be friends with a lover. A lover is always a friend, a friend never was/is a lover. Huge discussion topic.. My xMW almost begged me for months wanting to be my friend and I always refused until she made up her mind that her and me can never go back to being friends. This is how things work, you need to accept to loose a lover as a friend too. It is a all-in-one package hon.. I thought yesterday that he didn't want to talk to me, but we ended up having a chat, and he opened up about a problem he was having.This is because you are in withdrawal from the addiction to him, be prepared to wanting to reach out on him for a looong time on... Does anyone think it would be possible for us to be friends?See above. It is all about choices. Any relationship is possible : OM or BF. It depends which one you pick and feed.
Author bananarama Posted June 22, 2011 Author Posted June 22, 2011 This is your guilt talking. Where was it when you decided to sleep with OM ? This is because you are in withdrawal from the addiction to him, be prepared to wanting to reach out on him for a looong time on... Yeah, I agree it is guilt, but it is also a lesson learned. Guilt aside I do realize now that it would have been better for everyone involved if I had stopped to think about what was happening in my relationship and focus on fixing that, instead of going through this whole big thing and then ending up at that same conclusion. The fact that it took actually cheating for me to realize that probably makes me a bad person, but at least I'm working on it. I know now to either fix the relationship or end it, not mix all of this craziness together. And yes I agree addiction to him. I've made a point of not initiating contact, but if he messages me (and he does) I message back. Maybe it's the wrong thing to do. I have no idea what he is thinking. Aside from having a discussion about everything "going back to normal" we haven't talked about any of it. Maybe that is best? I feel like I've finally got off the emotional rollercoaster that I was on after I did what I did and now I can deal with this and work through it as someone who isn't insane.
East7 Posted June 23, 2011 Posted June 23, 2011 If your MM has no intention/want a real relationship with you it is time to give up. The same if you want to save your relationship. Better end it now rather than later, go NC and separate ways. I think that if you consciously cheated, you don't really love your BF anymore. Your relationship was going downhill even before the A, sometimes relationships die slowly and the A is kind of the last nail in the coffin. I suggest that you confess him everything and give him the choice to decide what option he wants to pick being fully informed. Staying with him without confessing is like keeping him hostage of your convenience.
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