SingVoice Posted June 16, 2011 Posted June 16, 2011 So...this is more of a general question than a situation specific question. I know that sometimes men are not the "emotional talkers." But I guess my question is...what is a reasonable amount of time to expect a guy to really open up to you? Like...talk about childhood issues....or serious issues. For me learning about someone's past and their feelings really makes me feel more connected to them. At what point would you say...."Ok I can't get this guy to tell me anything!" Just wanted to bring this up as a discussion. I have dated guys who told me A LOT right away...and have dated some guys who told me hardly anything...ever.
Cee Posted June 16, 2011 Posted June 16, 2011 This is a complex subject. I have been through years of therapy so I'm sick of talking about my childhood or past in an emotional way. The past is over and I'm healed. I don't ask my boyfriend about his past too much. If he wants to share, that's great. I'll listen. But it's not important to me. I only experience emotions in the present. If something joyful happens to my boyfriend, I celebrate and encourage him to bask in the happiness. If he's frustrated about his job, I give him the space to vent. If my boyfriend were incapable of expressing emotions, I would be disappointed. And I would wonder if he was emotionally unavailable. I don't think I could be in a relationship with an emotionally distant man. I don't think I answered your question, but that's how I see it. There's no time period to wait for him to open up. Either he's present or he's not.
Author SingVoice Posted June 16, 2011 Author Posted June 16, 2011 I understand what you are saying Cee. And for me...I've been through a lot too, and been through therapy and what not. But for me, I like to let someone know where I have come from...because I think it helps explain who I am today. I absolutely agree about being emotionally present. But I guess my point is...if you KNOW that there are some kind of issues from the past that are part of who he is NOW...wouldn't you want to know about them? I guess as an example...the guy I am dating has mentioned that his mother is a very cold person...and wasn't very loving. (Also his father had some problems too) We haven't exactly talked about it...but I believe that it obviously had a big impact on his life and the way he is. So I would hope that he would eventually want to discuss that with me more in detail...to help me understand certain things about himself. Does that make sense??
Eternal Sunshine Posted June 16, 2011 Posted June 16, 2011 My boyfriend was very guarded in the beginning. During the first month of dating, he didn't give me a single compliment or told me anything about his past. He never even said I like you. When I asked about his past I was met by a brick wall of "I don't want to talk about it". I didn't pressure him but slowly he showed his emotions more and more. He still wouldn't open up about his past though and I just told him that it's cool and to tell me when he is ready. He finally fully opened up one night when we talked in bed till 7am, after 3.5 months of dating. He told me all the minute details of his main relationships. He even told me about girls he only dated briefly and how many has he slept with. Once he started talking, he just didn't stop for hours. And that made me feel a lot closer to him But then again, I have dated men who thought nothing of telling me their life story in the first couple of dates.
Author SingVoice Posted June 16, 2011 Author Posted June 16, 2011 My boyfriend was very guarded in the beginning. During the first month of dating, he didn't give me a single compliment or told me anything about his past. He never even said I like you. When I asked about his past I was met by a brick wall of "I don't want to talk about it". I didn't pressure him but slowly he showed his emotions more and more. He still wouldn't open up about his past though and I just told him that it's cool and to tell me when he is ready. He finally fully opened up one night when we talked in bed till 7am, after 3.5 months of dating. He told me all the minute details of his main relationships. He even told me about girls he only dated briefly and how many has he slept with. Once he started talking, he just didn't stop for hours. And that made me feel a lot closer to him But then again, I have dated men who thought nothing of telling me their life story in the first couple of dates. Thank you. This was actually really helpful to read. Did you feel like anything was missing though with not knowing certain things?
tigressA Posted June 16, 2011 Posted June 16, 2011 I never pressured guys to open up to me about their past. It always just happened. The when, how and why varied. I concentrated more on whether they were emotionally present and available. If they had issues with displaying emotion that was a much bigger problem for me than not ever talking about their past. Wait for when he's ready, if he ever is. Don't bring up his lack of willingness to talk, don't pressure him. What you want to know could come out eventually. Remember that it could never come out. He may not be nearly as concerned with it as you are, or it could be too painful for him to recall and describe in great detail. You need to respect and accept however he feels about it.
Ouroboros Posted June 16, 2011 Posted June 16, 2011 A man should never open up. That's suicide and crazy. Besides women only like the idea of a man opening up to them alone. They don't really want him to and when he does they can't handle it.
Cee Posted June 16, 2011 Posted June 16, 2011 When someone has experienced a past trauma, talking about it can be hard. I understand that you want to know someone better by understanding their past, but it can trigger them re-experiencing that pain. I think it's best to let people open up in their own way and time. I had a boyfriend who was molested as a child. He told me about it, but only a small part of it. When he talked about it, I could feel him going back into his past. I could see the rage and pain on his face. I was grateful that he shared it, but I wasn't at all helpful. That's a dramatic example, but the truth is most people have experienced some sort of abuse or trauma in childhood. A cold mother might sound like something you can talk about freely as adults. But it's something he lived with for 18 years. There's a lot of damage a parent can do in that amount of time. It's not fodder for one conversation. Let him tell you in bits and pieces.
Mrlonelyone Posted June 16, 2011 Posted June 16, 2011 It depends on what the subject is. For transgendered people we consider this allot. When do we talk about our T? For me it is not obvious as I am able to effect the look of the gender I want. This is the kind of personal knowledge that can make a person one is in a relationship with question themself. "Am I gay (or for that matter really straight) for liking Mrlonelyone?" "What does it mean about my own identity and that of people arond me if people like them exist?" etc. That said, the standard time at which a transgendered person tells their issue is at date 3 or before sexual contact. ___________ I would also add that for a man there is a great social stigma attached to being open about feelings and trauma's. Men are supposed to be stoic and silent. Do be other wise is effeminate (in western society).
Author SingVoice Posted June 16, 2011 Author Posted June 16, 2011 Hmm ok Cee...that makes sense. I hadn't thought about that really...I am really open with myself and my past. But yeah...I can see that if it was something that causes him pain he wouldn't want to talk about it. I would hope that eventually I would get some insight...and just for the record I haven't pressured him at all to talk about anything yet. It's just that he has made very small mentions of certain things...and hasn't really expanded on them. So I think that he WILL talk about them eventually. Like I said...I'm really open...and I WANT to tell him about my past...but I think I am also feeling like I have to wait because he doesn't want to share much with me yet. I actually told him a few things last night though because I kind of figured...well...why not? And he didn't really say much I guess. I think thats kind of why I am wondering about this. A few years ago I dated a guy who was SO incredibly frustrating because he never wanted to talk about ANYTHING. I mean...it was like a year and he STILL wouldn't talk about his feelings about his past. Then I have had guys spill their guts on the first date too!!! Haha. Dating is so weird.
Author SingVoice Posted June 16, 2011 Author Posted June 16, 2011 It depends on what the subject is. For transgendered people we consider this allot. When do we talk about our T? For me it is not obvious as I am able to effect the look of the gender I want. This is the kind of personal knowledge that can make a person one is in a relationship with question themself. "Am I gay (or for that matter really straight) for liking Mrlonelyone?" "What does it mean about my own identity and that of people arond me if people like them exist?" etc. That said, the standard time at which a transgendered person tells their issue is at date 3 or before sexual contact. ___________ I would also add that for a man there is a great social stigma attached to being open about feelings and trauma's. Men are supposed to be stoic and silent. Do be other wise is effeminate (in western society). Well he has mentioned the word "anxiety" a couple of times. And I know he has sleeping problems because of it as well. But thats really as far as he has gone. Also he also has a music degree and is an artist...so he is more in touch with his emotions. And I did tell him in the beginning...and again last night...that I really need someone who can communicate their feelings effectively...and he said he could so...yeah. Yeah...and I can see how if you have a "secret" or something that you aren't sure what the reaction would be...you kind of have to judge when to tell someone. I really have a feeling that he has some kind of anxiety problem...or he HAD one. So maybe he is really not sure how I am going to react.
Mrlonelyone Posted June 16, 2011 Posted June 16, 2011 Even as an artist... the strong gender norms of society bombard him all his life. "boys don't cry"... "The strong silent type"... etc. People don't open up about things that they fear will get them judged. Unless that thing he's not opening up about is the half dozen dead bodies burried in the crawlspace...then why worry? Have you told him everything about you?
Author SingVoice Posted June 16, 2011 Author Posted June 16, 2011 I'm not "worried"....not exactly. I was just curious about what other people's stories were. And basically it's just because I am trying to get to know him...and I am trying to let him get to know me...and I want to know about the expectation of timing. And MrLonely....to be honest...because of what happened with the whole "bday scandal"...I'm just kind of looking at what we have and evaluating things. And because I was hurt...I am looking to see if the emotional connection is really there. So I'm not "worried" necessarily...but I am just trying to get to know him so I can decide if it's worth it. And I think that some of the things he hasn't told me have a lot to do with what happened with his b-day. Make sense? I always appreciate your advice.
Mrlonelyone Posted June 16, 2011 Posted June 16, 2011 I understand. I was merely tring to impress upon you how men are told to act. Displays of emotion, "opening up" are strongly discouraged. You have dated him for 2 months... and known him for a year right? If he wasn't emotionally open for all that time you worked with him he's not likely to change. The only thing is now....a breakup means an akward time at work.
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