robdrm32 Posted June 16, 2011 Posted June 16, 2011 So i'm dating a girl of about 2 months and we've had small issues and i'm starting to think that its a mixture of things. One is me being too needy, and the other is her not really knowing how to treat a partner. She hasn't had much experience, she's very shy and is still a virgin. So one example is last night I said call me later if you want, and she said I will (over texts) So around ten i get a text saying "hi", i respond "hey", and get "how are you?" I said "alright, waiting for a phone call". And after a couple minutes she calls. And while on the phone she just seems distracted, not really asking me any questions about my day, just not seeming interested so i ended the call after about 10 minutes. I asked if she forgot to call and she replied "no i was just texting to see if you were still awake". But I feel like she had no intention of calling me and just wanted to keep it to texts, just based on her couple of texts before i brought up the phone call. It's little things like this where i have to bring things up a second or third time before they happen. To me if you give a damn in the first place, i shouldn't have to bring things up multiple times. And even when we hang out, when i show up to pick her up, she just gives a little wave, turns away and is in a rush to get out. No hug, no kiss, barely a smile. And nobody is around so its not a PDA issue. But then there is the other side of me that thinks maybe i am over reacting to these types of situations, over analyzing, and i'm expecting too much. It's just times she says i mean everything to her, then other times its like she couldn't care less about putting in a little effort, and i feel taken for granted. Not alot of info here but what do you think? am I expecting too much, too soon? am i being too needy?
Andy_K Posted June 16, 2011 Posted June 16, 2011 You're pushing. Don't. If she likes you enough, all that is necessary is to respond positively to whatever efforts she does make to contact you. As for PDA, stop being a wuss. If you want to kiss her, do it. If she's turned to leave just say something like "hey, not so fast! Give me a kiss before you go" And if she is reluctant to even do that, quite honestly you're wasting your time with her.
Eeyore79 Posted June 16, 2011 Posted June 16, 2011 You (like me) are one of those people who stands by what they say: if I say something, I do it. Other people aren't necessarily like that; they say they'll call you and then don't, they suggest a shopping trip on Saturday but by the time Saturday comes around they've forgotten about it, they mention going somewhere and then make other plans for the same evening, and don't even bother to call you if they need to cancel because in their mind they hadn't made any firm plans anyway. I've come to the conclusion that such people simply say things at random and don't necessarily mean it, or maybe they mean it at the time but think it's ok to follow their own selfish whims and change their minds at the last minute. They mention in passing that we could go for dinner on Monday, and I assume it's a date, while in their mind it was just a random suggestion that they may or may not decide to follow through with, and if something else comes along they'll drop the date without considering my feelings. It annoys me immensely, because it makes me feel like I can't rely on this person, and that they don't really care about my feelings because they keep letting me down. I really don't know whether it's my fault or theirs. Am I being too strict in assuming that if someone says we'll do something then we'll actually do it? Or are they being inconsiderate by saying they'll do something and then failing to follow through (and sometimes even failing to call and cancel)? I have noticed that people who do this sort of thing tend to be inexperienced and perhaps a little selfish; maybe they haven't learned how to treat others respectfully and not let them down, because they're so used to just doing whatever they want without considering others.
vsmini Posted June 16, 2011 Posted June 16, 2011 You're pushing. Don't. If she likes you enough, all that is necessary is to respond positively to whatever efforts she does make to contact you. Yea - so basically settle for any scraps she throws your way and continue to be in a frustrating relationship. WTF kind of advice is that? No - have a talk with her and if things don't change get out. This is beyond compromising - you're missing out on a relationship that you truly want.
Andy_K Posted June 16, 2011 Posted June 16, 2011 Yea - so basically settle for any scraps she throws your way and continue to be in a frustrating relationship. WTF kind of advice is that? No - have a talk with her and if things don't change get out. This is beyond compromising - you're missing out on a relationship that you truly want. You misunderstand me. It's not necessary to tell a girl to talk to you more, or whatever else. And in fact it's completely pointless. She either likes you enough to want to do it anyway, or she doesn't (in which case you leave). Trying to change someone's behavioural patterns is almost always a waste of time, especially if they see no problem with them. At worst they'll feel pressured and want to contact you LESS, and at best you'll see a change which either won't last, or if it does it'll breed boredom and resentment in the long term. You have to let whoever you are with be themselves.
vsmini Posted June 16, 2011 Posted June 16, 2011 You misunderstand me. It's not necessary to tell a girl to talk to you more, or whatever else. And in fact it's completely pointless. She either likes you enough to want to do it anyway, or she doesn't (in which case you leave). Trying to change someone's behavioural patterns is almost always a waste of time, especially if they see no problem with them. At worst they'll feel pressured and want to contact you LESS, and at best you'll see a change which either won't last, or if it does it'll breed boredom and resentment in the long term. You have to let whoever you are with be themselves. OK - yes - I did misunderstand you. I agree with what you say. I do think he needs to talk to her though, perhaps it will make her more aware and if she is who she is...then he can take it or leave it. I agree that trying to change someone is futile and only breeds resentment for both people down the line.
Author robdrm32 Posted June 16, 2011 Author Posted June 16, 2011 Well i have talked to her about these types of things. im not so much trying to change her as i am expressing my needs, which i feel arent unreasonable. its not that i dont say 'hey come here' and kiss her when she turns away. its the fact that she says i mean so much, im everything to her, yet i have to ask for a kiss when i havent seen her in a week. it doesnt make me feel like im important to her. i think im going to pull back for a bit and not make the effort i have been and see what happens. all i want is to feel wanted and right now i dont.
vsmini Posted June 16, 2011 Posted June 16, 2011 Well i have talked to her about these types of things. im not so much trying to change her as i am expressing my needs, which i feel arent unreasonable. its not that i dont say 'hey come here' and kiss her when she turns away. its the fact that she says i mean so much, im everything to her, yet i have to ask for a kiss when i havent seen her in a week. it doesnt make me feel like im important to her. i think im going to pull back for a bit and not make the effort i have been and see what happens. all i want is to feel wanted and right now i dont. It is reasonable. Pull back but don't play games (yes - there is a difference) if you notice a response or if you actually enjoy your time while you're pulling back use that information and apply it. Don't get into the habit of pulling back in order to peak her interest every time. But throw her a few hints. After outright talking to her - I'm not sure much more will help.
Author robdrm32 Posted June 16, 2011 Author Posted June 16, 2011 any suggestions on how to drop hints? im not going to play games because i hate that. but i think im not going to bring up seeing eachother, or calling, pretty much put it in her hands and see what happens. ill act the same when together but i feel like im not going to make the extra effort anymore. thoughts?
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