latexyankee Posted June 16, 2011 Posted June 16, 2011 Some please tell me. I have another post detailing my situation. but I lost the woman I love 3 years ago,my fault and still have never forgiven myself. then i got her back 3 years later in Feb of this year, and lost her again. My fault again. I know i will never be happy because i can never forgive myself...twice
JR2315 Posted June 16, 2011 Posted June 16, 2011 Well you and I are kind of in the opposite but similar situations. I've forgiven myself but I havent done the same for my ex. So I was the one who started the fights but that was because it was in my nature to be the instigator. So it was something that I couldnt help but do. Im not sure about your entire situation but I've accepted that no matter what I did it was because it was the most natural thing that came across my mind at the time. So what else can I do but learn from my mistakes?
Author latexyankee Posted June 16, 2011 Author Posted June 16, 2011 Problem is i didn't learn. I swore I'd never let her go again, ever. But I didn't learn. I still wasn't over her the first time from years ago and now I have twice the emotional strain that I thought was unbearable. I am really worried with the thoughts in my head. I'm just so regretful...again, i really don't know if I can pull through this time.
JR2315 Posted June 16, 2011 Posted June 16, 2011 Well then not to sound like a broken record player butcommitting whatever you did in the relationship is still the most natural thing that you know. So how can you be mad at yourself for being you????
Author latexyankee Posted June 16, 2011 Author Posted June 16, 2011 If thats the case then I hate who i am
betterdeal Posted June 16, 2011 Posted June 16, 2011 Do you want to treat any woman like you did both times with that one? If not, you have to forgive yourself in order to change, and so not treat another woman like that again.
JR2315 Posted June 16, 2011 Posted June 16, 2011 If thats the case then I hate who i am You know that saying about loving yourself first before you can truly love someone else? From reading your threads your insecurities are because of your lack of appreciation for yourself. This is the exactly reason why you cant forgive yourself! From now on go and take the time to love yourself, not to the point wherein you become a narcissist. but in which you can appreciate all you have to offer to someone and to this world
betterdeal Posted June 16, 2011 Posted June 16, 2011 And don't be hard on yourself. Start seeing things from a more compassionate view; even things about yourself. Whatever you did, you were doing the best you knew at that time. Accept things you did that hurt other people, and let the guilt and sorrow out. Accept the that other people did that hurt you, and let the anger and sorrow out. You're a great guy. You want to be a great guy, which makes you a great guy. Now let go of the things that are holding you back from being the great guy that are.
Author latexyankee Posted June 16, 2011 Author Posted June 16, 2011 I appriciate the advise and believe everything you guys say. I really do. what I'm struggling with the most is how to get by in general. I never got over her the first time and that was 3 years ago. Whether thats a personality disorder or my refusal to let go I'm not sure. But Sometimes it feels that you never get over someone, you just try and get by. I got by without her once, i'll get by again, but I want to eventually get over it, I got by yes, but still was not really happy
wilsonx Posted June 16, 2011 Posted June 16, 2011 goto barnes and nobles or any other big retail chain buy this book http://www.amazon.com/Getting-Past-Your-Breakup-Devastating/dp/0738213284/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1308233704&sr=8-1 Read it, it is amazing and buy a journal too.
betterdeal Posted June 16, 2011 Posted June 16, 2011 I appriciate the advise and believe everything you guys say. I really do. what I'm struggling with the most is how to get by in general. I never got over her the first time and that was 3 years ago. Whether thats a personality disorder or my refusal to let go I'm not sure. But Sometimes it feels that you never get over someone, you just try and get by. I got by without her once, i'll get by again, but I want to eventually get over it, I got by yes, but still was not really happy What stops you from letting go?
Author latexyankee Posted June 16, 2011 Author Posted June 16, 2011 I'm not sure, I just can't ever stop thinking about her and what I've done. She just loved me so much nobody ever made me feel that special
betterdeal Posted June 16, 2011 Posted June 16, 2011 Find other things to enjoy. You get one life, and it's amazing. Make use of what you have because what matters is not what you've lost but what you find. Take some time out from dating, go easy on yourself, and accept just how much you love yourself. You're the best friend you'll ever have. I was so scared of letting go, but when I did, it was the best feeling in the world.
Author latexyankee Posted June 16, 2011 Author Posted June 16, 2011 Wilson, that book you recommend seems to be mainly targeted to those who were hurt by another, i am hurt, but his was my doing, I cant sit here and try to put the blame on someone else.
JR2315 Posted June 16, 2011 Posted June 16, 2011 Wilson, that book you recommend seems to be mainly targeted to those who were hurt by another, i am hurt, but his was my doing, I cant sit here and try to put the blame on someone else. nope it takes two for a relationship to fail. she's equally guilty for not accepting your insecurities due to her owb
Author latexyankee Posted June 16, 2011 Author Posted June 16, 2011 I see your point in theory, but my insecurites caused me to be an asshat. Said some ****ed up things. I wouldn't want to be with me either. But what do I know
betterdeal Posted June 16, 2011 Posted June 16, 2011 I see your point in theory, but my insecurites caused me to be an asshat. Said some ****ed up things. I wouldn't want to be with me either. But what do I know You're delaying. I don't know why, but you are. When it feels safe enough to do so, you'll stop these delaying tactics (apportioning blame, recounting, ruminating) and let go. The relationship is over. Start by saying nice things about yourself to yourself. It's okay to ask for help and it's okay to feel sad.
Author latexyankee Posted June 16, 2011 Author Posted June 16, 2011 Thank you, I will pick it up, it can't get any worse, and I do believe each and every one of you. It's probably easy for you to understand since you've been here before. I know I need to fix myself since i am the root of my problems. but the guilt...arrggghhh the guilt. I'm sure one day I will grow to be a better person, but I'm so ashamed that i've ruined my own happiness twice with same woman. Thank you
geegirl Posted June 16, 2011 Posted June 16, 2011 Thank you, I will pick it up, it can't get any worse, and I do believe each and every one of you. It's probably easy for you to understand since you've been here before. I know I need to fix myself since i am the root of my problems. but the guilt...arrggghhh the guilt. I'm sure one day I will grow to be a better person, but I'm so ashamed that i've ruined my own happiness twice with same woman. Thank you You can sit there everyday and hammer yourself over the head for your so called f*** up. What is it going to do for you? Nothing. Or you can turn this around and start accepting this as a wake up call. Sometimes, something really unfortunate happens in our lives, and while it is unfortunate, it's serving you a purpose. Granted you lost her and it is painful, but the value of that is that you now have to accept the responsibility of seriously focusing on your issues. Sometimes you have to go through pain for that self-awareness and introspection to emerge from within, and most importantly, to learn. If this never happened, you'd be repeating your behaviors over and over again, leaving yourself defeated in every relationship in the future. I understand losing her is a big price to pay, but sometimes hitting rock bottom is the only way that will open your eyes and push you to find your way out. These few years is a really small slice of your entire life. Look at the big picture. You have many more years to carve out happiness in your life. You did what you did. You did the best you could at the time. It's time to focus on fixing the kinks. It was hard to get over her for 3 years and maybe that's because of the emotional and mental limitations that you were struggling with and going through. Start reinventing yourself now, working on your limitations, getting some counselling, in time you will realize that you are stronger than you think you are. Give the healing process a chance. Give yourself the focus and attention that you need to work on yourself during this time. You may just look back one day and say, "Ah, there's a reason why that happened." You get one chance at life. Either you work hard on yourself and map out a healthier future for you or you sit there and define the rest of your life based on unfortunate circumstances of the past few years.
Author latexyankee Posted June 16, 2011 Author Posted June 16, 2011 thank you, I picked up that book, will begin reading in a few hours
wilsonx Posted June 17, 2011 Posted June 17, 2011 I see your point in theory, but my insecurites caused me to be an asshat. Said some ****ed up things. I wouldn't want to be with me either. But what do I know This is where you are wrong. I thought this too. Women do this when they break up with you. They bring you down to their level psychologically, and project all their insecurities on you. Thats why you feel like **** and horrid and cant sleep. Thats what they do, it happens. My ex cheated on me and somehow still blamed me for the ****ty relationship while she was emotionally cheating with a coworker after I continuously asked her to knock it off
Author latexyankee Posted June 17, 2011 Author Posted June 17, 2011 I am learning but I dont understand. Yes she has insecurities too, she deals with them by running away (so to speak) isolating herself from others, even me until she is stable(couple days). While that is surely not the best way to handle things, i'ts seems better than being an ******* and saying things you know you will regret. While i would be happier if someone would confide in me in times of turmoil, i'd rather have them take some to deal with it than act out the way I do. Btw can anyone recommend any other books? I haven't read in years and need some self help guidance.,
wilsonx Posted June 17, 2011 Posted June 17, 2011 look this book is amazing, you and i sound like we are dealing with the same type of girl. you have to be stronger and confident. I have read this book already once and am working on the relationship inventory. Just read the book, write in a journal, create affirmations/goals, do the relationship inventory... take your time... you are not going to get better in one night.. its going to take a long time... start reading and working on bettering yourself. I will tell you from the relationship inventory that there are a couple redflags with my relationship already. #1 I can barely think of 5 positive qualities of my ex #2 All my friends... the only positive quality they can think of about her is that she is pretty... That is it... it will start to make sense.. you have to put the effort in
Author latexyankee Posted June 17, 2011 Author Posted June 17, 2011 I am actually more than halfway through been reading all day. I am just looking for some more positive reads to keep me busy. I'm at the relationship inventory chapter now will read it tomorrow. I'm kind of worried though, I cant seem to see much wrong with her, but I see whats wrong with me, this isnt the first time I've said stupid **** causing a relationship to end
RuinedLife Posted June 17, 2011 Posted June 17, 2011 I know I need to fix myself since i am the root of my problems. but the guilt...arrggghhh the guilt. I'm sure one day I will grow to be a better person, but I'm so ashamed that i've ruined my own happiness... I feel EXACTLY the same way And the guilt and regret is STILL driving me insane. Listen to all the people on this board though, the break up experts as it were, they know what they're talking about. I've read a lot of self help books etc, but I still struggle a lot with the guilt. Find it haunts me and tortures me everyday replaying the events leading to my break up in my mind and wishing so badly I could go back and do things differently or take back the things I said. I love my ex so much still even after over 5 months and I hate myself so much still for ruining the relationship. So I just wanted to let you know, you are not alone. I hope we are both able to get through these dark times and become better people for it. As I say listen to the break up experts here they know what they're talking about!
Recommended Posts