lapse Posted June 16, 2011 Posted June 16, 2011 We all know the advice... NC, avoid and ignore the ex, etc etc etc. However, in the context of an STR, inherently all of the processes are intensified, but shorter. The emotions surge and, following the breakup, also fall pretty fast. I'm sure there are exceptions to this, but generally it doesn't take long to get over a short term (e.g., <3mo.) kinda fling. I'm here ruminating about this because I just got out of one of those a couple of weeks ago. There was no closure. This guy - he was a piece of work. We'll just say he liked for me to be emotionally available and forthcoming while he was not. I sensed something was off and pushed the issue and he hung up on me, I regretted, he told me to call him after I'd thought about it for a few days. Anyway, he ignored me when I texted him. I finally talked to him an told him to just say it if he was done. He said it wasn't that and that I needed to figure out what kind of relationship I want. I pointed out that I had apologized and thought the impulsive conversation was ridiculous. Call lost signal or he hung up or something. Well, he ignored my attempts to meet him face to face to talk. So I figured I'd better just get over it. I mean - if we're being real here, I am only a few months out of a 4 year relationship and an engagement. And, unbeknownst to me, I wasn't ready for another relationship anyway. I am still holding on to some of the dysfunction from the past relationship. Anyway, so I have gotten over it. And I just want to be friends with the guy. Something funny happened yesterday and I texted it to bunch of people on my phone contacts. I'm being friendly, so I sent it to him, too. I realized that he's just going to keep ignoring me. And I hate it - why, even after an STR, when emotions are just fleeting little succubi, do we still have to play the games that go along with real emotions? I realize I shouldn't have texted him, 'shouldn't' have stayed in contact with him, etc. But I don't want to play the games. I've felt this away about all of my relationships, actually. Why can't we all just move on? It's no big deal that it didn't work out. I do hate not being friends with exes, though. I like to think that we are all just better than a series of tense power dynamics. The power plays of NC, ignoring, etc., are not necessary unless there is something significant about the emotional investment. They are great when someone is really under your skin, but why bother with them when something was just short, intense, and then over? Why hold on to the tension?
love4me2c Posted June 16, 2011 Posted June 16, 2011 I rarely think it is a good idea to remain friends with someone with whom you had a romantic relationship with. He may be that type as well. For whatever reason, the relationship is over and maybe he doesn't want to be friends? Yes, you are still hurting over the last relationship. While it is easy to jump into another one to forget about the previous one, I've found my judgement is so clouded and easily taken advantage of. Try and do those things you've been wanting to do in your life but never had time. Learn to care for yourself for awhile. There are some really good books out there and I tout Getting Past Your Breakup pretty often. The exercises in there will help you as well as take up a good bit of your time if you do them.
Author lapse Posted June 16, 2011 Author Posted June 16, 2011 love, why is it a bad idea to be friends with someone with whom you were romantically involved? Especially if it was short-lived... Also, you assume I jumped into a fling to get over a past relationship. Which is wrong. I believed I was over the past relationship and while I was over the guy I was with in the relationship, I hadn't recovered from the relationship itself. I know now, but there's nothing I can do about that. That, to me, is beside the issue, though.
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