Pistol pete Posted June 16, 2011 Posted June 16, 2011 Hey all, would like some advice on this. I realise that it means nothing, but was wondering if I handled it the right way. Re-hash of backstory. Was with my ex for 1.5 years, felt an instant attraction to eachother and had great times while we were together, never had a single argument. I'm 26, so is she, she'll be 27 in Sept. and I was her first ever boyfriend.. and in the past she has suffered from self esteem issues. In April she tells me, we need to talk, she's been having serious doubts about whether we were right for eachother. I'm a bit too laid back/quiet for my own good, she is more the social type, but it was never noticeable during our time together. We tended to do stuff with eachother, and rarely went out together with her/my friends. She was going to work in Spain for 6 months which is what brought all of this to a head in April. Communication was always a problem, we never really told eachother how we really felt, whether it was because we were afraid of upsetting and losing eachother, I don't know. We never really talked about how things were going to work with her being away for so long Anyways we talked about and decided to give it a go, the last 2 weeks before she went away, we spent every single day together, out and about doing stuff, going to stay with friends, her brother etc. When she left, it was heartbreaking to say goodbye to eachother. She was out there for about a month, telling me everyday how much she missed me, loved me, talking about me/showing pictures to everyone out there, telling people things were going well... then 3 days later, she tell sme we need to talk. She is having the same doubts as she was having before, and now she is out there, there is nothing we can do about it. She then says that she feels she needs to be single while she is out there, and that she doesn't want to feel guilty if the chance to experience something with someone else occurs. And although she feels that she loves me... it's not enough.. and that our personalities aren't suited for the long run. The stupid thing is, I've always wanted to come out of my shell more, but the fact that she never mentioned it, never encouraged me to do so.. and ironically since we have broken up, I have probably become the type of person that is suited to her, by necessity. She said she didn't know how she would feel about things when she comes home in october and didn't want either of us to put our lives on hold... and that if I still felt the same way, to call her for a chat and see how we both feel. She made it very clear though that this is not definite... and that remaining friends at this juncture would be too hurtful and might confuse her. We said our goodbyes and that was that... 9 days later, she breaks NC. I saw her online on MSN while I was at work.. (she's blocked), she never uses this, only ever used to use it to talk to me while I was at work. Kinda got the feelign she was waiting for me to come online. 30 mins later, I was bored and popped on to facebook (forgot she might be on there), and suddenly she starts IMing me.. had to say hi back, as I didn't want to seem like I was blatently ignoring her. (her)hey! i know i prob shouldnt but i cant see u online and not say hi! (me)hi (her)have u blocked me from some of your facebook? i went to look at ur photos and it wont let me! prob a good thing so i cant facebook stalk you! (me)yeah, that's kinda why I did it, making it easy on you not having to look at the hotness. (her)hehe! im afraid i have all my own photos to drool at! well i better go. got to rehearse some songs! i hope u dont mind me just saying hi! i wont again if u dont want (me)i dont know at the mo (her)ok! bye! (me)its nice to talk and everything, but im not sure if its a good idea (her)ok. i get it! sorry. bye bye!! (me)bye (I know the above means absolutely nothing, I'm not looking into it too much) Do you think I handled this the right way? Everyone's situation is different and I haven't found anyone who is in this sort of one to get any similar stories/advice.. I don't know what the future will hold for either of us, but I wouldn't want her to remember me as being pissed off
Exit Posted June 16, 2011 Posted June 16, 2011 Seems alright to me. I mean, you could have signed off right away and acted like you just never saw her initial message, but there wasn't too much damage done in the conversation. I think you handled it well, you didn't blow up and say "Wtf don't talk to me i thought we agreed on that", you didn't pounce all over her and tell her you loved her, you played it cool and leaned moreso towards not encouraging any further contact, so hopefully she gets the point.
GivenUp0083 Posted June 16, 2011 Posted June 16, 2011 This is EXACTLY what my ex did to me. She did this garbage on gchat the very next day after she dumped me, and then again a full month later. She has nothing to say, she just feels guilty and wants to try and relieve that guilt by having a good friendly conversation with you so she can sleep at night. Don't give her the satisfaction! Let her feel bad, people feel guilt for a reason, because their conscious is telling them they did something wrong. Don't make it easy on her. Ignore her, block her, have NOTHING to do with her. I learned the hard way in my breakup recently, but if she really has something to say, make it hard to the point where she has to try and find you in person to tell you. If she really missed you and thought she made a mistake, she will wait at your doorstep for you to come home to tell you. Best of luck.
radiodarcy Posted June 16, 2011 Posted June 16, 2011 you're situation sounds similar to mine. i too am very much an introverted, laid back personality while my ex is the complete opposite. we started out as friends and co-workers. he kept asking me to hang out, telling me he wanted to help me be less of an introvert. things wound up getting physical and just as i started to let go and fall for him, he pulled back, saying he wasn't ready for a relationship. nevertheless we remained friends with benefits for two and a half years until he broke off the benefits saying he just wanted to be friends. but the friendship soured when he started dating other women. to his credit, he told me i should do the same. but i couldn't get past the fact that he was looking to give the relationship i wanted to have with him to someone else. so i went NC. about three weeks into NC, i started logging back into IM and who should contact me but him *sigh*. all he said was "hhahahah g'morning f**ker" i said "hah, good morning". then he asked me how i was; i said "good, u?" he said "good" and that was it. soon after that he started posting all kind of pictures and status updates. if it was to get a rise out of me it worked. but i didn't let him know that. i couldn't bring myself to block/delete him so i simply stopped logging into yahoo after that and i haven't since. i think you handled the exchange over msn fine. but if you can bring yourself to do it, block her. leaving her on there only leaves room for her to toy with you like she did that last time. maybe she wants to be friends but that's not possible; if you still have feelings for her and she's looking to date other people then a friendship won't work. she needs to respect your feelings and leave you alone. she made reference to knowing she shouldn't contact you. so she shouldn't have. which again, shows how little respect she has for your feelings. as big of jerk as my ex was to me i have to give him credit - - he hasn't bothered me since our last exchange three months ago. and that has gone a great deal towards helping me heal.
Author Pistol pete Posted June 16, 2011 Author Posted June 16, 2011 I do think she feels guilty about the whole thing. I know her and it's obvious she still cares, but she knows she shouldn't be doing these things. She said herself, she didn't want to remain in contact for now.. and yet here she is doing just that. I haven't initiated any contact since the BU and that was the only time we've spoken since. If she says hi again, I may reply, but if I do, I will keep it short and sweet like before. I know I will get slated for saying this, but I do think in my case, there is a slight chance of reconciliation in the future. She has already mentioned about meeting up when she gets back and seeing how we both feel. Don't get me wrong, I am not gonna sit here and wait for that day.. I'm starting to move on with my life. The chances of it happening are very small, and even if it did, it would be really ****ing hard, there would always be a cloud of pressure hanging over us. We would have to be comfortable with the possibility of either of us being with someone else during those 4 months (which I wouldn't be). In that time, I may have zero feelings for her, I might have found someone else. I have no idea what the future holds. I know, that one day, I won't care at all.. I chat to my ex ex now like we never even went out at all, and I know once it reaches a certain stage, there is never any chance of feeling the same way about someone. So, I'm not gonna burn my bridges, so to speak, but I'm sure as hell not gonna start waving the welcome flags.
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