Lorelai Posted June 16, 2011 Posted June 16, 2011 As some might recall, I've been steadily working on losing weight for the last two years. At my highest weight (with a BMI of 44) I would have qualified for gastric bypass surgery, but I'm very happy I was able to lose it without going that route. At the moment my BMI is 28, with about 15 lbs to go until I'm not considered overweight by doctors. Unfortunately, even when you take the weight loss slowly, 85 lbs can't disappear without leaving evidence -- I have a lot of loose skin. It makes clothes shopping a huge hassle because it's hard to find clothes that fit and look good. Eventually I want to get a tummy tuck but it's not in my budget now. A friend of mine who went through gastric bypass recommended a particular brand of girdle that helped hold in the loose skin as well as reducing her back pain... so I gave it a shot. And I love it -- I can wear jeans that are two sizes smaller than I can without it (because it compresses the bulky skin apron), and it smooths out any bulges or rolls so clothing looks better. And it also has helped my lower back. But I've wondered how a guy would react to learning their new interest's body was given by Spanks (not the brand I have) instead of a Supreme Being. Would they feel deceived or cheated? Or, is it something akin to wearing a bra (boobs look very different without one) or makeup? Also, given that I'm 31 and time does a number on anybody, would men around my age or older reasonably expect their date to have as firm of a body as an 18 year old when the clothes came off? BTW: I know the right person wouldn't give a crap about saggy skin -- they'd love me for who I am. I'm not wearing the thing to attract a man, I'm wearing it because I feel both more comfortable and more self-confident with it. I am curious, though.
Rinnix Posted June 16, 2011 Posted June 16, 2011 As long as you're comfortable with yourself and feel sexy that's all that matters. There may be some men who are put off, but there will also be some who won't care, and who will find you attractive regardless. For instance, I have a funny tooth that pops up a bit, many men may be put off by it, and other's may find it cute and apart of me. Everyone has different tastes, so it varies. Why would you want the kind of man who would judge anyway? Even if I was 100% perfect I wouldn't want a man who is overly shallow. Just be confident, and keep loving the way you look, it's key.
Ruby Slippers Posted June 16, 2011 Posted June 16, 2011 People do all KINDS of things to make themselves look better than they actually do. If the clothes come off and a guy has a problem with what's underneath, he is free to move on. I see no real difference between what you're talking about and the dozens of other clothing, makeup, and surgical enhancements that people use.
Eddie Edirol Posted June 16, 2011 Posted June 16, 2011 (edited) I know the right person wouldn't give a crap about saggy skin -- they'd love me for who I am. I'm not wearing the thing to attract a man, I'm wearing it because I feel both more comfortable and more self-confident with it. I am curious, though. Dont let that woman speak fool you Lorelai, love or not, its deception. Just like if you went out with a guy who is your height, then you found out he was wearing heels. Anyone could love you for who you are, but love and attraction are NOT the same thing. They get tangled up often, but they can be separated. And unless you get a guy to fall hopelessly in love with you before you take your clothes off, that kind of deception is .........pretty bad. That is the ultimate way to make a guy youre with feel cheated. Regardless what your personality is, a guy still has to look at you and like what he sees. YOu already know saggy skin from that kind of weight loss is not sexy, (to a degree). No guy expects you to have the body of an 18 year old, but no guy expects multiple sharpees to fall out of your clothes either. You have to be realistic for the long run. Loose skin is not an attraction, its a detraction. Women on this board who dont have loose skin like you have their long time husbands cheating on them. You wont have an edge on them with your personality, so you have to stack the cards in your favor before you even consider dating. Theres nothing wrong with wearing the girdle to feel good if youre not going to date, and youre going to work on the loose skin. (isnt exercise supposed to help that?) But you have to prepare yourself for guys to have reactions and learn to deal with it. You have to prepare for guys to lie to you to get what they want. keep your eyes open. Youve done well with your weight so far, keep things going so you can be all you can be - before going out on the meat market. Edited June 16, 2011 by Eddie Edirol
Star Gazer Posted June 16, 2011 Posted June 16, 2011 It's no different than a padded or uplift bra, IMO. If it makes you feel more confident and comfortable in your clothing, I say go for it!
Eternal Sunshine Posted June 16, 2011 Posted June 16, 2011 I do feel like it's cheating - simply because it's less main stream than make up or push up bras. I wear both (make up and push up bra) and my boyfriend often sees me without both and it makes no difference to him. Anyhoo, what I am trying to say is that men expect make up, padded bras, push bras. But wearing a girdle is not something most men expect...and would feel cheated. I look million times better with spanx. I have a bit of a tummy and it really helps. However, I only wear it for special occasions and never when a men is going to be taking my clothes off afterwards. My advice is to wear it only in non-dating situations. Otherwise, it will do a number on your self-esteem. Men are visual - some may take it badly. This may sound harsh but it's simply how world works. Also, if you have lost weight recently - your skin will shrink a bit in time. You will probably still need surgery though.
Author Lorelai Posted June 16, 2011 Author Posted June 16, 2011 Theres nothing wrong with wearing the girdle to feel good if youre not going to date, and youre going to work on the loose skin. (isnt exercise supposed to help that?) But you have to prepare yourself for guys to have reactions and learn to deal with it. You have to prepare for guys to lie to you to get what they want. keep your eyes open. Youve done well with your weight so far, keep things going so you can be all you can be - before going out on the meat market. Sorry, but no, toning does not make skin that has stretched bounce back. It does help to fill in some of the skin by adding muscle (and my workout routine has been helpful in making my arms and legs look better in that way) but it does nothing to actually tighten skin. My issue is probably a lot better than some (particularly gastric bypass patients) because doing it slowly does make a difference versus very rapid weight loss, but it's a myth that any amount of exercise is going to make skin shrink. What's there after six months at a steady weight is pretty much there to stay unless you go under the knife. And while I understand where your advice is coming from, I think it's unrealistic for me to restrict myself from the dating market until I can come up with $10k for surgery. One thing I can safely say is that no person I date will get anywhere close to the bedroom without knowing that I used to be heavier and by how much.
Author Lorelai Posted June 16, 2011 Author Posted June 16, 2011 My advice is to wear it only in non-dating situations. Otherwise, it will do a number on your self-esteem. Men are visual - some may take it badly. Yeah, I wouldn't wear it to a date with a person I met online, for example. My thought was more related to if someone asks me out in my everyday life. I don't think many are actually trying when they meet someone they're interested in -- at least in my experience in previous relationships, it's always been serendipity that caused us to meet.
Eternal Sunshine Posted June 16, 2011 Posted June 16, 2011 BTW what did you do to lose weight? and CONGRATS :bunny:
Els Posted June 16, 2011 Posted June 16, 2011 I always thought that many men had a fetish for girdles, if the sexy variety was chosen. Or does the sexy variety not work as well / is not as comfortable?
oaks Posted June 16, 2011 Posted June 16, 2011 As some might recall, I've been steadily working on losing weight for the last two years. At my highest weight (with a BMI of 44) I would have qualified for gastric bypass surgery, but I'm very happy I was able to lose it without going that route. At the moment my BMI is 28, with about 15 lbs to go until I'm not considered overweight by doctors. I don't have any advice, but well done and good luck with the next 15 lbs!
Author Lorelai Posted June 17, 2011 Author Posted June 17, 2011 I always thought that many men had a fetish for girdles, if the sexy variety was chosen. Or does the sexy variety not work as well / is not as comfortable? It's black and lacy, but it's not quite an actual corset. It's far more comfortable. BTW what did you do to lose weight? and CONGRATS :bunny: The old standby, diet and exercise. I did Nutrisystem briefly, for two months. I no longer buy their food, but their plan calls for many fresh grocery items (3 servings of dairy/protein, five servings of vegetables, and two servings of fruit spread throughout the day). I still follow that suggestion -- I eat that portion of a meal first, then eat whatever main dish I'm having. Since they list many veggies that have an essentially unlimited serving size (the ones that are particularly low calorie and high in fiber), by the time I get to the main dish I'm just about full. One other thing I learned from trying out their program is that metabolism and calorie count isn't easily explainable with straight math. You would think that a person eating 600-800 calories a day would lose weight faster than a person eating 1200 calories. That has not been my experience at all -- quite the opposite. In fact, I started losing weight faster when I added a "cheat day" in once a week, and people who have been exercising but still aren't losing weight on the program are encouraged to *add* calories, not cut them.... and it works. Makes no mathematical sense, but lends credence to the idea that a person's metabolism will downregulate if they're not getting enough calories. And might explain why some people will be eating only 1000 calories, working out, and still not lose.
Els Posted June 17, 2011 Posted June 17, 2011 It's black and lacy, but it's not quite an actual corset. It's far more comfortable. Well then, what's there to lose, if it looks sexy, AND makes you feel good about yourself? Pretty sure if one guy doesn't like the whole idea you'll find another who doesn't mind or enjoys it.
thatone Posted June 17, 2011 Posted June 17, 2011 (edited) really? those of you who are against wearing these must still be in your 20s, trust me once you're in your 30s/40s and have had children you'll all be wearing them . no man who has spent any time around women is ignorant of what a shaper is. and no they will not feel "cheated". trying to wear clothes without one without the natural body to pull it off is a lot more of a turn off than finding out after the fact that a woman was wearing one. Edited June 17, 2011 by thatone
grkBoy Posted June 17, 2011 Posted June 17, 2011 I think guys are not as particular. We'll notice a woman who looks like a hippo more than a woman with some stretch marks or loose skin (unless she's got bags of skin hanging off her like a freak). I saw my GF naked this morning after she took a shower. She hates her body because she gained a little weight and thus her clothes feel tight. I look at her body and think she still looks phenomenal. Thankfully she knows this and thus her push to lose weight is more for her...not some fear that I would stop loving her or something. I commend you on losing the weight. Keep it up...just for your health. Trust me though, the only guys who will make a problem are the royally shallow ones who secretly want a young girl with everything "firm". Most guys won't care and still notice and will see that body as "sexy" rather than "ewww...loose skin".
surfrider4284 Posted June 17, 2011 Posted June 17, 2011 It's no different than a padded or uplift bra, IMO. If it makes you feel more confident and comfortable in your clothing, I say go for it! As a guy....I can tell you it is vastly different.
carhill Posted June 17, 2011 Posted June 17, 2011 My exW, at her lightest, was 170 on a 5'1" frame during our M and she occasionally would wear shapers or corselets, usually when we would go out to formal events. She found them, as well as high heels, to be uncomfortable for more common use. That said, she generally received a positive reaction so perhaps that balanced out the discomfort to some extent. I don't think deception ever crossed her mind; if it did she didn't talk about it. She didn't wear such garments much while we were dating, so she must have been comfortable with her body as it was, or at least noted that I accepted her and found her attractive and later loved her as she was. Her mantra was, whatever one has to work with, always try to do the best one can with it. So, I would say that aligned with the selection of 'look your best'. Good luck with your program. My exW dealt with a number of them while M and continues now that we're D. Hope it works out.
TooAccepting32 Posted June 17, 2011 Posted June 17, 2011 (edited) I wear a thing under dresses that looks like a "slip" or something, but it's spandexy and feels great. Sure, I would wear it on a first date or anytime I want, I don't care. My first priority is my comfort. First of all, let's say it's a first date. It's unlikely for most guys to see a girl naked on a first date anyway. The guy might not make the cut (in which case he'll never see what's under the dress), or you'll see him again. If you're like me, you might not wear the girdle every day. This would give him a rough idea of what your body is like. Second, I must say, that clothing in itself can be pretty deceiving. I already know that a guy would not be getting the delight that he might think he would be getting based on how I look in clothes in general. I look like I could have a bikini body because I'm "thin", but in reality far from it. So have the boyfriends I've had been resentful or run away screaming when they discover my imperfections? No way. If they had? I would ask them when their next underwear modelling photoshoot is. They're not perfect either. Edited June 17, 2011 by TooAccepting32
surfrider4284 Posted June 17, 2011 Posted June 17, 2011 I wear a thing under dresses that looks like a "slip" or something, but it's spandexy and feels great. Sure, I would wear it on a first date or anytime I want, I don't care. My first priority is my comfort. First of all, let's say it's a first date. It's unlikely for most guys to see a girl naked on a first date anyway. The guy might not make the cut (in which case he'll never see what's under the dress), or you'll see him again. If you're like me, you're probably not wearing a girdle every day, just with stuff that is less flattering otherwise. This would give him a rough idea of what your body is like. Second, I must say, that clothing in itself can be pretty deceiving. I already know that a guy would not be getting the delight that he might think he would be getting based on how I look in clothes in general. I look like I could have a bikini body because I'm "thin", but in reality far from it. So have the boyfriends I've had been resentful or run away screaming when they discover my imperfections? No way. If they had? I would ask them when their next underwear modelling photoshoot is. They're not perfect either. They may not be perfect, but do they deceitfully hide their imperfections from you?
TooAccepting32 Posted June 17, 2011 Posted June 17, 2011 They may not be perfect, but do they deceitfully hide their imperfections from you? See when I wear my spandex I am not setting out to deceive anyone. I'm setting out to look good and feel good. That may be a problem for some guys, but I haven't experienced that so far, and my priority is still my comfort when it comes to what I choose to wear. My current bf has love handles and a tummy, as well as some man boobage. I think he looks a lot hotter in a shirt that hides some things and emphasizes others even though I know he looks quite different underneath. I didn't feel betrayed or deceived to discover he didn't look quite so good without a shirt on. Should he have worn a shirt that was tight and revealing to ensure that I knew what I was getting into? Sure, if someone is setting out to deliberately deceive in order to hook someone in dishonestly, that would seem wrong. I don't think that's the case here. In my experience there have been absolutely no problems before or after the clothes came off.
thatone Posted June 17, 2011 Posted June 17, 2011 (edited) See when I wear my spandex I am not setting out to deceive anyone. I'm setting out to look good and feel good. That may be a problem for some guys, but I haven't experienced that so far, and my priority is still my comfort when it comes to what I choose to wear. My current bf has love handles and a tummy, as well as some man boobage. I think he looks a lot hotter in a shirt that hides some things and emphasizes others even though I know he looks quite different underneath. I didn't feel betrayed or deceived to discover he didn't look quite so good without a shirt on. Should he have worn a shirt that was tight and revealing to ensure that I knew what I was getting into? Sure, if someone is setting out to deliberately deceive in order to hook someone in dishonestly, that would seem wrong. I don't think that's the case here. In my experience there have been absolutely no problems before or after the clothes came off. that's it precisely. i posted the same thing in another thread just now, that we men have it easier because our business/formal attire is more layered and typically of thicker fabrics than women's business/formal attire is. in fact, i'll go a step further with this argument... you people in your 20s who think a shaper is 'lying' for a woman have little or no experience with formal gatherings i'll bet. women will tell other women that it's completely inappropriate to go to a wedding, for instance, with a formal dress on without a shaper, nevermind what men think (which is the same thing, to be honest). at my brother's wedding a while back i had no less than a half dozen women there tell me how bad they thought a relative of theirs looked for showing up without a shaper on. they were borderline apologetic for her being there. what's next, women who don't have the natural breasts to go braless have to stay home or get boob jobs? it's a silly and stupid notion, and none of you 20s people are going to look as good as you do now when you're 35, or 45, or 55, so you might as well get over it now . Edited June 17, 2011 by thatone
Eddie Edirol Posted June 17, 2011 Posted June 17, 2011 So have the boyfriends I've had been resentful or run away screaming when they discover my imperfections? No way. If they had? I would ask them when their next underwear modelling photoshoot is. They're not perfect either. Yes but do you have a serious hanging skin off your body? Thats a totally different revealing scenario for anyone. Your spandex is not a big deal, so of course none of your guys will run away screaming. Lorelai, your realistic view makes this much easier than dealing with most of the people that show up on this board asking for help. I know that it would be tough to avoid dating until you get money for surgery, but think of the scenarios you could have, and see if thats what you want to deal with. You date guys, filter out some, they never see you naked. The one guy that makes it through, you like each other, you develop feelings for him after a few dates, or a month or so, you eventually get naked around each other: 1.) Then he doesnt like the surprise, he runs, leaving you heartbroken and frustrated. 2.) He has no problem with your extra skin, or at least thats what he says, you get fully attached to him (maybe even married), but he cheats on you with a woman who doesnt have the hanging skin. 3.) He has no problem with your extra skin, you get married, and live happy ever after. If you continue to date now, are you prepared to deal with 1 and 2, the most extreme scenarios? Could be really frustrating and really smash your self esteem if you cant handle it. This is just one guy, could you handle multiple dates like this?
Mme. Chaucer Posted June 17, 2011 Posted June 17, 2011 And unless you get a guy to fall hopelessly in love with you before you take your clothes off, that kind of deception is .........pretty bad. That is the ultimate way to make a guy youre with feel cheated. Regardless what your personality is, a guy still has to look at you and like what he sees. YOu already know saggy skin from that kind of weight loss is not sexy, (to a degree). No guy expects you to have the body of an 18 year old, but no guy expects multiple sharpees to fall out of your clothes either. You have to be realistic for the long run. Loose skin is not an attraction, its a detraction. Women on this board who dont have loose skin like you have their long time husbands cheating on them. Lorelai, I PROMISE you that not all guys think like this, and I hope you would not bother getting serious with one who did anyway. Yes, loose skin is not a sought after physical trait. You are going to find a man who is going to love you and who is going to see all the physically as well as spiritually, mentally, etc. beautiful aspects of you MORE than he sees your loose skin. The beauty will outweigh (haha) the not so beautiful when a person really cares deeply about another. Women who have their husbands cheating on them ... have cheaters for husbands. It does not matter whether they have the skin of an elephant or look like Marilyn Monroe naked. I swear, that's the truth. Theres nothing wrong with wearing the girdle to feel good if youre not going to date, and youre going to work on the loose skin. (isnt exercise supposed to help that?) I loudly disagree! Wear a girdle, feel good about yourself in your girdle, and don't let the girdle or the loose skin be the determining factor in whether you're ready to date or not. You surely have your own determining factors for that. Girdles can be very sexy and there are plenty of guys who like them to the point of a fetish, even. But you have to prepare yourself for guys to have reactions and learn to deal with it. You have to prepare for guys to lie to you to get what they want. keep your eyes open. All of us have to prepare ourselves for the reaction of others when it comes time to "bare all." Yes, it can be a heartbreaking and vulnerable moment and sometimes it does not go well. Same goes for a guy with a hidden belly - or a small wiener. And, all girls and women (probably the more "perfect" ones physically have it the worst) need to be prepared to be lied to by some fellows who want only to have sex and nothing further. It's part of the minefield of dating. I am very happy for you that you've succeeded so splendidly with your weight loss. Connect deeply with people on levels that really count, feel wonderful about yourself, and make yourself as pretty as you can so you're enjoying your new shape to the maximum, and if this includes shapewear, go for it!
Mme. Chaucer Posted June 17, 2011 Posted June 17, 2011 The one guy that makes it through, you like each other, you develop feelings for him after a few dates, or a month or so, you eventually get naked around each other: 1.) Then he doesnt like the surprise, he runs, leaving you heartbroken and frustrated. 2.) He has no problem with your extra skin, or at least thats what he says, you get fully attached to him (maybe even married), but he cheats on you with a woman who doesnt have the hanging skin. 3.) He has no problem with your extra skin, you get married, and live happy ever after. Eddie - I think you read these boards a lot, and I'm sure you're aware of the hundreds and hundreds of women who post the same story of a man who seemed to like them a lot but who "runs," usually after sex. There are also hundreds and hundreds of women who post here about their cheating husbands. Loose skin hasn't been mentioned as the determining factor very often. People run for many reasons, and people cheat for many reasons. If this OP ends up with one of the guys who is a runner or a cheater, who knows whether it's due to "loose skin" or what. It might be. On the other hand, there are people (who aren't posting here so much) who have all kinds of physical imperfections (or who are ... perish the thought ... MIDDLE AGED!!!) who are involved in flourishing relationships with people who are in love with them in spite of (and even including) all manner of flaws. If Lorelei "waits for surgery" she is not going to be any less likely to encounter a guy who runs. Maybe this guy will be running from her scars. Or, he might be running because he's scared of commitment, or he just wanted to "hit it and quit it," or any number of reasons. My real point is - don't let fear determine what you are going to do. Don't let an ideal of "perfection," or any superficial stuff determine what you are going to do. Just get out there and grab your life head on exactly like you have been doing by getting your weight issue resolved. And if you want to wear a girdle ... or a mohawk, or a rubber jumpsuit - wear it.
TooAccepting32 Posted June 17, 2011 Posted June 17, 2011 Yes but do you have a serious hanging skin off your body? Thats a totally different revealing scenario for anyone. Your spandex is not a big deal, so of course none of your guys will run away screaming. Lorelai, your realistic view makes this much easier than dealing with most of the people that show up on this board asking for help. I know that it would be tough to avoid dating until you get money for surgery, but think of the scenarios you could have, and see if thats what you want to deal with. You date guys, filter out some, they never see you naked. The one guy that makes it through, you like each other, you develop feelings for him after a few dates, or a month or so, you eventually get naked around each other: 1.) Then he doesnt like the surprise, he runs, leaving you heartbroken and frustrated. 2.) He has no problem with your extra skin, or at least thats what he says, you get fully attached to him (maybe even married), but he cheats on you with a woman who doesnt have the hanging skin. 3.) He has no problem with your extra skin, you get married, and live happy ever after. If you continue to date now, are you prepared to deal with 1 and 2, the most extreme scenarios? Could be really frustrating and really smash your self esteem if you cant handle it. This is just one guy, could you handle multiple dates like this? haha #2 is just not realistic. Cheaters cheat because they're cheaters. Not because of some imperfection in their mate and the need to find someone else to sleep with who doesn't have that specific imperfection. What about people who marry amputees? Are they driven to cheat specifically because they need to have sex with someone with all of their limbs? Maybe this could exist, but this doesn't seem like a likely scenario. Not in the numerous marriages and relationships with people with disabilities that I've seen. Re: do I have skin hanging... yes I do. It has improved a lot by now, but I still feel self-conscious about it. I felt ashamed and worried in the past that men would be less attracted or value me less once they saw it. But what it comes down to is that oops! I'm not "perfect". If a man sees my goods and doesn't like, well then that's his preference. Not everyone prefers the same things. No one who has made it to the point of actually seeing me has had a complaint. To further put this into perspective for the OP, I'll say that 3 out of 4 of my ex LT boyfriends are quite physically fit and muscular themselves (fitness was a common interest). Previous to revealing moments, they probably thought I would be more firm since I am thin and physically active. They didn't seem any less infatuated, and seemed to enjoy intimacy lol. I think they just overlooked my lack of perfection in that area, much like I overlook the fact that my current boyfriend doesn't have anywhere near the kind of fit physique my prev. boyfriends have had. Those body imperfections just didn't turn me off I guess, and it didn't turn my exs off either. The point is ... not everyone's criteria for attraction is the same. For some people sagging skin may not be ideal, but it's not a turn off either.
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