zlatnapolja Posted June 16, 2011 Posted June 16, 2011 Thank you! I've said this almost word for word... His response was that I'm asking to know something that is unknowable... like I'm asking for something unreasonable. He said he doesn't want to have rules or expectations. If I don't date anyone else for example he wants that to be because I don't want to, rather than because he forbids it. He refuses to provide "expectations" or say what he wants, because he says I want an answer where there isn't one. It's nice to think I"m not just crazy and asking for something totally out of the ordinary and unreasonable. You're not being unreasonable. I think it's reasonable for him to say that he wants you to be with only him and not others because you want this. However him saying he doesnt want to have any rules or expectations, is impossible. Him not wanting to compromise with you, leaves you with only 1 option: you have to compromise with him instead, which in a way is an expectation that he has. This is extremely selfish. The other thing I don't get is why he sees 'officialy' being with you as such a horrible thing, thats almost an insult. Has he had bad experiences with relationships? Either he doesnt care about you, (and/) or is really scared of commitment. Either way he needs to be a man about it and tell you whats the deal, if he doesn't: leave him. Imagine yourself 20 years from now: he still gets to do everything he wants to, while you're feeling bittered and sad about the fact that you put all your energy in him, while he doesn't do anything for you. If it's not him, it may be someone else pulling this trick on you;) stick up for yourself. The result will either be that: 1. he'll step up to the plate / realize he'll loose you otherwise or 2. he'll let you down (again), then you'll know its time to leave.
spiderowl Posted June 17, 2011 Posted June 17, 2011 Always look at a guy's actions and not what he says. He can say anything but actions are very telling. Pretend you are deaf - what do his actions tell you? Why should he have privileges that he won't allow you? Some guys want to be acknowledged and to enter into your life but won't reciprocate. Why should he be allowed to enter you life, walk about in it as if he owns it and not invite you into his? He wants to keep his privacy and independent life. I presume you have met his friends and know about his real relationship status? If not, meeting his friends is a jolly good idea. While a guy can lie about everything to you, if you meet his friends they will spill the beans. If he's in a relationship, you might find out if you meet his friends but would have little chance otherwise. He wants to be at the centre of your life. He wants to dominate everything, doesn't he? He is dicatating the terms - "I control you, you don't control me." Is that what you want? If not, stand up to him and insist things are equal. You deserve equal respect and consideration.
spiderowl Posted June 17, 2011 Posted June 17, 2011 (edited) Thank you! I've said this almost word for word... His response was that I'm asking to know something that is unknowable... like I'm asking for something unreasonable. He said he doesn't want to have rules or expectations. If I don't date anyone else for example he wants that to be because I don't want to, rather than because he forbids it. He refuses to provide "expectations" or say what he wants, because he says I want an answer where there isn't one. Oh, wow, I'm familiar with this! It's the "I don't have any expectations of you so you shouldn't have any of me" argument. Also, by saying there are no answers and that definitions are pointless, he is keeping everything nicely fudged. What matters here is what your boundaries are. I will say right now though, that you have to be prepared to dump him and move on. Demanding respect for your self - and this is what it's about your 'self', the inner you that loves and feels - is not without cost at times. But, some people will play around and 'play you up' as long as they can get away with it. By drawing a line in the sand, by saying "this is what matters to me, take it or leave it", you are showing them you are a force to be reckoned with, someone deserving of respect. I actually read that one guy described a girl he was really interested in as special and "a worthy opponent". I am sure this is what a guy needs deep down: the girl he won't mess around. All the fuzzy games he was playing will suddenly be irrelevant then and there will be no point continuing them. Basically, he needs to know the bull**** failed! He has a choice then, respect you or resign himself to losing you. Although you may think there is a way round this, that given time he may become more committed or start to understand where you are 'coming from', experience taught me that the balance of power will always lie with him if this obfuscation is allowed to continue. Looking back on my own past relationship where this kind of thing occurred, I should have walked out. It was too painful and I was too scared to start a new life without him. I wouldn't hesitate now if I met a guy like that again as I now know that guys respect women who respect themselves and f**k around those that don't Edited June 17, 2011 by spiderowl
TaraMaiden Posted June 17, 2011 Posted June 17, 2011 Thank you! I've said this almost word for word... His response was that I'm asking to know something that is unknowable... like I'm asking for something unreasonable. He said he doesn't want to have rules or expectations. And yet, there he is, making rules, and expecting you to abide by them..... If I don't date anyone else for example he wants that to be because I don't want to, rather than because he forbids it. Why not tell him you have a date on Sunday...because you want one....? He refuses to provide "expectations" or say what he wants, because he says I want an answer where there isn't one. Yes there is. You know there is. He's controlling you and clouding the issue by making you believe there isn't. He's the one walking on shifting sands...not you.... His expectation is that you will be content to continue existing in limbo, and put up with, or settle for NOT being a priority - when of course, you should be. He has Rules and Expectations. And being Manipulative and Controlling, is how he convinces you otherwise.... It's nice to think I"m not just crazy and asking for something totally out of the ordinary and unreasonable. There's only one way this is crazy, out of the ordinary and unreasonable. You're still there.... Make other plans. I'm serious. And go No Contact.
Author TooAccepting32 Posted June 17, 2011 Author Posted June 17, 2011 Wow, what amazing insights guys. You're right there are unspoken expectations imposed on me, even though open discussion of expectations is discouraged. I guess I have trouble contending with covert communication, as it's much more difficult to put your finger on, and a person can turn around and say "no, that's not what I meant". Then I'm behaving in reaction to the covert message, while not being able to acknowledge that it's really there. I'll be honest, our last fight just ended up with me giving him more of what he wants and me getting to feel like a jerk minus getting the things that I want. You're right spiderowl: I;ve thought things might change, and that I would wait to see, but even as of a few nights ago plans are still in place for him to visit friends and family and I'm still not invited. he's hiding something from someone... not sure if it's me or them
TaraMaiden Posted June 17, 2011 Posted June 17, 2011 Please, please...stop looking for little things to give you clues, when the big poster on the wall is saying "Bang your head here!" Quit now, and end this! It really doesn't matter what he's hiding, or from whom. The fact is and the fact remains, he believes he has you where he wants you. Otherwise, I can see him dumping you for being too "clingy, needy and insecure".... and then you'll kick yourself for not having taken action sooner. Let him go visit family and friends. Alone. For good. Please - get out, and get a life!!
Dust Posted June 17, 2011 Posted June 17, 2011 There is really no excuse for the way he is. Even if this is all out of extreme ignorance you are not his learning tool. The wedding might have a good excuse like he wasn’t given the option of a guest. But I’m sure that’s probably not the case. He should be at least introducing you to the people in his life as his girlfriend. I don’t think he needs to be talking about marriage and a possible future engagement. But he should try to make you feel special and a part of his life. Give you the same kind of security he seeks from you. Dump him.
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