TooAccepting32 Posted June 16, 2011 Posted June 16, 2011 (edited) This guy "loves me" and "I mean so much to him", but he also says he doesn't know what he wants with me right now or in the future. He says he doesn't have an answer to this (ouch) other than "continuing to hang out", and yet from me he wants more than casual. He's called himself my bf off handedly on the phone, but when I meet colleagues he introduces me as a friend. He says I'm at the centre of his universe, but his friends and family don't know about me (no plans for me to meet them, his sister is getting married in the next month, I'm not invited, he has plans with them in the next few weeks, I'm not invited), and he doesn't want to impose any boundaries or labels on the relationship. He knows my friends and family all know about him and how I feel, which is more than on his end, but he wants me to integrate him more into my life, introduce him to everyone (except not my parents), and give him a sense that he has something secure with me. He gets rather angry at me for not providing this, and also gets angry at me for what I need to be able to give him this security. When he wants me to let him in, it's "he loves me" etc. when he wants to keep me out, it's "he doesn't know what he wants" etc. He seems to want both at the same time and gets so angry Edited June 16, 2011 by TooAccepting32
BCCA Posted June 16, 2011 Posted June 16, 2011 I'd be willing to wager he has a gf or some unresolved relationship. Not meeting his friends and family is a red flag.
Author TooAccepting32 Posted June 16, 2011 Author Posted June 16, 2011 What would you say to a guy like that? Or would you just run?
Jetsker Posted June 16, 2011 Posted June 16, 2011 This is just plain double standard. Actually it's him trying to have his cake and eat it too. Have you had sex yet? This may be all he's looking for. I know us guys are pigs. Other than that if he needs time, tell him you're willing to give it to him and let him know when he figures it out than he can contact you. If you love something, set it free; if it comes backs it's yours, if it doesn't, it never was. Corny, but if he truly does love you, and you are the centre of his universe, he'll come back. Best of luck with every thing. J
TaraMaiden Posted June 16, 2011 Posted June 16, 2011 (edited) "loves me" and "I mean so much to him", ...doesn't know what he wants with me right now or in the future. .... "continuing to hang out", and yet from me he wants more than casual. .....called himself my bf ....but when I meet colleagues he introduces me as a friend. ....I'm at the centre of his universe, but his friends and family don't know about me ....his sister is getting married in the next month, I'm not invited, ....he doesn't want to impose any boundaries or labels on the relationship........he wants me to integrate him more into my life, introduce him to everyone (except not my parents), and give him a sense that he has something secure with me. ....gets rather angry at me for not providing this, .....When he wants me to let him in, it's "he loves me" etc. when he wants to keep me out, it's "he doesn't know what he wants" etc. .... "Commitment-phobe seeks FWB...." Oh it's ok, he's found one. Edited June 16, 2011 by TaraMaiden
Author TooAccepting32 Posted June 16, 2011 Author Posted June 16, 2011 We've been dating for about 6-7 mths.
Janesays Posted June 16, 2011 Posted June 16, 2011 After that amount of time, he should know whether he is into you or not. If he's still thinking 'sorta,' he'll always be thinking sorta. Ditch him and find a guy who doesn't want to live on the fence.
TaraMaiden Posted June 16, 2011 Posted June 16, 2011 We've been dating for about 6-7 mths. TooAccepting by name......? What do you think you should do? because I have to say, to me, it's clear as day this guy is just yanking your chain because he doesn't know what else to do with it - or even wants to.....
Author TooAccepting32 Posted June 16, 2011 Author Posted June 16, 2011 "Commitment-phobe seeks FWB...." Oh it's ok, he's found one. Sure, in light of all this he's probably using me for sex, we're sexually active at this point. But why the demands for more emotional intimacy and relationship security from me? Wouldn't a person who wants FWB leave it at sex and not pressure me to treat them more like a bf? Could it be that someone wants a FWB, the benefits being getting their emotional/relationship/girlfriend needs met without having to actually have a girlfriend?
OriginalPenguin Posted June 16, 2011 Posted June 16, 2011 Could it be that someone wants a FWB, the benefits being getting their emotional/relationship/girlfriend needs met without having to actually have a girlfriend? Sure, to somebody that has no respect for you. Sounds to me like you should either get this guy to sit down and have a real talk about where you guys stand. If he can't/won't be 100% clean about it I would cut and run. There is no reason for you to be in limbo on this, he is either in or out.
Author TooAccepting32 Posted June 16, 2011 Author Posted June 16, 2011 Pierre: Re the ILY you're probably right. The actions don't communicate that (especially not wanting me as a date to the wedding) Do men often use women to fulfill their emotional/relationship needs no strings attached ? All the fighting has been about his anger and hurt due to me not meeting his emotional needs in spite of him keeping me at a distance.
tigressA Posted June 16, 2011 Posted June 16, 2011 6 months and he's toying with you like this? WALK AWAY.
Author TooAccepting32 Posted June 16, 2011 Author Posted June 16, 2011 He's acted like I've been asking unreasonable, impossible questions that cannot be answered, and I've been doubting myself. So if someone is ambiguous about his intentions at this point then it's likely they're jerking me around? I know I probably seem so dense... but it's amazing how one can go from smart to stupid the closer they get to a situation.
tigressA Posted June 16, 2011 Posted June 16, 2011 He's acted like I've been asking unreasonable, impossible questions that cannot be answered, and I've been doubting myself. So if someone is ambiguous about his intentions at this point then it's likely they're jerking me around? I know I probably seem so dense... but it's amazing how one can go from smart to stupid the closer they get to a situation. It's not "likely". It's what's been happening for months.
stepka Posted June 16, 2011 Posted June 16, 2011 but it's amazing how one can go from smart to stupid the closer they get to a situation. A truer thing was never said and it goes for all of us. We're all stupid in love.
Author TooAccepting32 Posted June 16, 2011 Author Posted June 16, 2011 It's not "likely". It's what's been happening for months. so it's not normal for someone's intentions to be ambiguous?
tigressA Posted June 16, 2011 Posted June 16, 2011 so it's not normal for someone's intentions to be ambiguous? It's normal--quite routine, really--for people who like to have someone committed to them without having to reciprocate. Your "boyfriend" is one of those people. You want reciprocation, he is clearly not willing to give it. Fundamental incompatibility. Walk.
TaraMaiden Posted June 16, 2011 Posted June 16, 2011 so it's not normal for someone's intentions to be ambiguous? Absolutely not normal! If they're intentions, they can't be ambiguous! They're something they fully intend to follow through with. That's what intention means. He doesn't have intentions. He has designs and schemes. he has prevarications and he's clouding the issue by giving you confusing signals. What you absolutely need to do is to make your intention very clear to him: You intend to terminate this precarious relationship immediately, and you intend to never contact him - or be contacted by him - again. THAT'S an unambiguous intention!
SingVoice Posted June 16, 2011 Posted June 16, 2011 Bottom line- there has to be mutual respect and equality. If you don't just dump him...you need to explain to him that you will only incorporate him into your life if you get the same respect in return. If he doesn't do it...leave...run...don't look back.
BlindLead Posted June 16, 2011 Posted June 16, 2011 I'm really sorry that you're going through this. It's heart wrenching togive someone everything and only get pieces of it in return. I'm going through a very similar experience right now and I've got to say that reading your post has only further made me realize it's time to end the relationship. You will not get what you want, and you will continue beating your head against the wall if you try. I've been doing it for 8 months now. He will follow you to your places - YOUR grocery store, YOUR local hangouts, YOUR friends outings (If you allow him) It will be very obvious to everyone that he's "With you" when there's no chance his social circles will be near. However you will not be awarded the same. End it, if he really loves you then he'll come back. Why should he change when he doesn't have to? I'm struggling to do the same thing. If he doesn't come back then you've saved yourself from a bad headache, and heartache... Same goes for me. Good luck, I hope it works out for you.
Author TooAccepting32 Posted June 16, 2011 Author Posted June 16, 2011 Absolutely not normal! If they're intentions, they can't be ambiguous! They're something they fully intend to follow through with. That's what intention means. That's kind of what I thought. He's been pursuing me for a long time apparently "wanting more than casual"... I figured it would make sense that he knows what he's been hoping to achieve with me. His reaction to me wanting to know this has put me in the twilight zone for sure.
Silivren Posted June 16, 2011 Posted June 16, 2011 I'm sorry but I have to agree with everyone else on this thread.. he is cake eating. He is getting exactly what he wants from you no strings attached. The reason he is doing it is because you are letting him. I had a friend that went through something similar. Started out as a friends with benefits thing - as time went on, she started caring for him and wanted more... he was happy with the arrangement. She sat him down, told him in no uncertain terms that he was either going to man up and declare their status official or she was done. And she meant business! She went no contact on him and promptly started seeing other people when he didn't give her the answer she wanted. Well - sure enough... that was enough of a kick in the pants to smarten him up. Took about 2 months for him to win her back. They have been together happily for the last 3 years. Not saying every story has a happy ending. What I am saying is that you need to respect yourself enough NOT TO SETTLE!! Good luck!
zlatnapolja Posted June 16, 2011 Posted June 16, 2011 This guy "loves me" and "I mean so much to him", but he also says he doesn't know what he wants with me right now or in the future. He says he doesn't have an answer to this (ouch) other than "continuing to hang out", and yet from me he wants more than casual. He's called himself my bf off handedly on the phone, but when I meet colleagues he introduces me as a friend. He says I'm at the centre of his universe, but his friends and family don't know about me (no plans for me to meet them, his sister is getting married in the next month, I'm not invited, he has plans with them in the next few weeks, I'm not invited), and he doesn't want to impose any boundaries or labels on the relationship. He knows my friends and family all know about him and how I feel, which is more than on his end, but he wants me to integrate him more into my life, introduce him to everyone (except not my parents), and give him a sense that he has something secure with me. He gets rather angry at me for not providing this, and also gets angry at me for what I need to be able to give him this security. When he wants me to let him in, it's "he loves me" etc. when he wants to keep me out, it's "he doesn't know what he wants" etc. He seems to want both at the same time and gets so angry You: 'I would like to know what you're expectations are from this relationship, since i have no clue. I care about you a lot, but I want to know, because I don't want to get hurt'
Author TooAccepting32 Posted June 16, 2011 Author Posted June 16, 2011 You: 'I would like to know what you're expectations are from this relationship, since i have no clue. I care about you a lot, but I want to know, because I don't want to get hurt' Thank you! I've said this almost word for word... His response was that I'm asking to know something that is unknowable... like I'm asking for something unreasonable. He said he doesn't want to have rules or expectations. If I don't date anyone else for example he wants that to be because I don't want to, rather than because he forbids it. He refuses to provide "expectations" or say what he wants, because he says I want an answer where there isn't one. It's nice to think I"m not just crazy and asking for something totally out of the ordinary and unreasonable.
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