OriginalPenguin Posted June 16, 2011 Posted June 16, 2011 If you are exclusive with somebody and they have kids, at what point is it ok (if ever?) to discuss discipline? I ask because I have seen things that make me think "I would never let my kids get away with that " and "Wow, your child just walked all over you". Sometimes I feel like I am losing some respect for her when I see these things and it troubles me. The flip side could be argued that I have no idea what it is like to be a single mom so I might just be all wet here... We do not live together but see each other almost every day, and have kids around the same age. Living together at some point is not out of the question but is a possibility in the future so obviously something like this is a concern. Do I talk to her about it, let it lie, try to help out, or something else? Am really not sure where to go with this.
Author OriginalPenguin Posted June 16, 2011 Author Posted June 16, 2011 Yikes, apparently it's so out of line that 30+ people are afraid to even say anything.
utterer of lies Posted June 16, 2011 Posted June 16, 2011 Yikes, apparently it's so out of line that 30+ people are afraid to even say anything. You should at least talk to her about it. Maybe she would be happy if you helped her establishing some discipline. Its hard to change patterns, and most likely, she isn't too happy about it herself.
Author OriginalPenguin Posted June 16, 2011 Author Posted June 16, 2011 You should at least talk to her about it. Maybe she would be happy if you helped her establishing some discipline. Its hard to change patterns, and most likely, she isn't too happy about it herself. Thanks! I really would like to talk to her about this and would like to hear from others that have approached this subject. I think we both realize that I am in no position to be a father figure (yet) so that gives me some pause and it is not like me to tell people how to raise their children. But of course the longer we are together the more it becomes part of my life, so I can't just ignore it forever.
utterer of lies Posted June 16, 2011 Posted June 16, 2011 I really would like to talk to her about this and would like to hear from others that have approached this subject. I think we both realize that I am in no position to be a father figure (yet) so that gives me some pause and it is not like me to tell people how to raise their children. But of course the longer we are together the more it becomes part of my life, so I can't just ignore it forever. As its a tricky subject that can easily explode, I'd suggest that you just tell her that you noticed that sometimes her kids are behaving in a way you wouldn't accept from your kids, and ask her how she feels about it. I think that might be a good starting point.
irc333 Posted June 16, 2011 Posted June 16, 2011 If you simply disagree with her rules, then I think you need to just accept them. It's not your place to tell her how to raise her children. Actually, if things get serious...well....the "how" might have to be re-adjusted. If not, then time to get your walking papers.
Arikel Posted June 16, 2011 Posted June 16, 2011 As its a tricky subject that can easily explode, I'd suggest that you just tell her that you noticed that sometimes her kids are behaving in a way you wouldn't accept from your kids, and ask her how she feels about it. I think that might be a good starting point. Whoa there, wouldnt saying that 'her kids are behaving in a way you wouldn't accept from your kids' be very critical, and rather condescending (especially if said in the wrong tone/place/time)? I get the meaning of what you're suggesting, I personally find the wording harsh though. Maybe something along the lines of 'Hey, arent your rules on such and such like this? I notice X sometimes does that instead, what do you think? Should I do this, or that?' I honestly wouldn't know what to do in this situation though, these are just my thoughts about a sensitive situation. Hope everything works out for the OP
Author OriginalPenguin Posted June 16, 2011 Author Posted June 16, 2011 Thanks everyone. Whoa there, wouldnt saying that 'her kids are behaving in a way you wouldn't accept from your kids' be very critical, and rather condescending (especially if said in the wrong tone/place/time)? I get the meaning of what you're suggesting, I personally find the wording harsh though. My thoughts exactly, and is a reason I have been keeping quiet. I just have no idea how to even approach this subject. At all. Maybe something along the lines of 'Hey, arent your rules on such and such like this? I notice X sometimes does that instead, what do you think? Should I do this, or that?' Good point; I tend to not mettle at all when it comes to her daughter although I have told her that if there is anything at all I can do to help then just ask. And I mean it, thing is, I am not really sure *what* I can do. Recently there was an infraction that involved a bunch of other kids. Nothing major, no drugs or violence or anything but still a no-no. I was baffled when I came by the next day and saw not only was the teen out with her friends again, when she came back she had a huge group of the same kids in tow. My first internal thought was "WTF, if that had been my daughter there would be SOME discipline, like maybe no cell phone/computer/friends over for a while" These are the kinds of things I am talking about. It troubles me because she has been a single mom for a long time and I can not personally relate to that, but I can personally relate to how I would react to my own children (I have two near the same age) if things like that were going on.
Ms. Joolie Posted June 16, 2011 Posted June 16, 2011 (edited) It troubles me because she has been a single mom for a long time and I can not personally relate to that, but I can personally relate to how I would react to my own children (I have two near the same age) if things like that were going on. That's because you're a man, you would react like a man - like a dad. I know that whenever my dad was not around, we never minded my mother. And when my dad became ill and died at 44, that left my mom to raise my younger sibs by herself. (There's a ten year gap between me and my younger sibs. I was an 'adult' at 19 when my dad died. My raising was done.) I see it like this: without a father figure, kids get unruly if they don't mind the mother. If the mom can't enforce home rules and is not respected, the probability of her kids going wild is going to skyrocket. My younger sibs were in elementary when my dad died. They are now in high school. They came out okay but they still don't mind my mom. They continue to be a bit dismissive toward her. So don't expect your GF's kids to have the fear of God in them or anything. With no dad around, no father figure, they have no idea how to mind the rules. Not quite sure what you can do about this right off, other than maybe come to a better understanding. This doesn't mean they are bad kids or she's a bad parent. Just that something is missing: Respect for their mother and structure at home, imo. Edited June 16, 2011 by Ms. Joolie
Ms. Joolie Posted June 16, 2011 Posted June 16, 2011 BTW, my mom is a sweet and very friendly person, very social and loves getting involved with things. She did a good job at keeping house, she just was NOT the rule enforcer, and I feel she did not cultivate a relationship with her kids because she was always busy doing things.
Ms. Joolie Posted June 16, 2011 Posted June 16, 2011 And so, with all that being said, I believe you aren't really dealing with a discipline issue as you are dealing with a family dynamic.
Author OriginalPenguin Posted June 16, 2011 Author Posted June 16, 2011 That's because you're a man, you would react like a man - like a dad. Good point. Now that you point that out it makes sense to me, I was always the enforcer with my own kids. In this situation I am not but I see things that ignite that "Father sense" or whatever it is. So don't expect your GF's kids to have the fear of God in them or anything. With no dad around, no father figure, they have no idea how to mind the rules. Not quite sure what you can do about this right off, other than maybe come to a better understanding. This doesn't mean they are bad kids or she's a bad parent. Just that something is missing: Respect for their mother and structure at home, imo. You are right, I know I need to understand and accept this new and foreign setup. It's not bad or good, just different. For the time being I have neither the right nor the authority to have a say. BTW, my mom is a sweet and very friendly person, very social and loves getting involved with things. She did a good job at keeping house, she just was NOT the rule enforcer, and I feel she did not cultivate a relationship with her kids because she was always busy doing things. This is a very good description of my GF as a matter of fact.
Author OriginalPenguin Posted July 26, 2011 Author Posted July 26, 2011 Well, things have not really improved here. In fact, a couple things have happened that have left me speechless: her daughter has been caught in a couple bold face lies bascially saying she was one place when she was not. Even brought home in the wee hours by the police for being out after curfew. After seeing this I thought surely, there HAS to be some repercussions here? In each case the next day the kid was back out running around. I don't think she was even given a stern talking to, but I might be mistaken. Maybe I am just used to harsher discipline, when I was that age my dad would have skinned me alive for lying to him and having the police wake him up in the middle of the night. We have discussed this while I have been treading very carefully to avoid things like "Well if it was me...." type of a vibe. I am trying to be understanding here with the realization that I will never understand what it is like to be a single mom.... It's getting to the point where she doesnt want to leave her own house much anymore because she doesn't trust her. So it's affecting us....and I am not feeling good about this at all.
misssmartypants Posted July 26, 2011 Posted July 26, 2011 I think you are in a very complicated situation. First of all, I am a single mom, and my kids mind me or they have a very bad day. Second, I am wondering if what you are seeing is that the mom is so overwhelmed with the teen's behavior that she doesn't know what to do. If she's too harsh, maybe she's afraid the girl will run away and that would be worse. If the girl is running the streets all hours and being excorted home by the cops, then maybe an outside agency needs to be involved to monitor the girl. I don't know, family therapy or something along those lines. If its a matter of differing values between you and the mom, you may be stuck with accepting the situation. I am a teacher and I have met parents who really don't care what their kids do because the parents were the same way and "turned out ok" or they are in denial about how serious the situation is and feel that their child is being picked on. Ultimately, how she deals with her child is none of your business. I'd step bacck and see what happens, and consider walking away if the house hold can't be a serene law abiding place.
KathyM Posted July 26, 2011 Posted July 26, 2011 If you are exclusive with somebody and they have kids, at what point is it ok (if ever?) to discuss discipline? I ask because I have seen things that make me think "I would never let my kids get away with that " and "Wow, your child just walked all over you". Sometimes I feel like I am losing some respect for her when I see these things and it troubles me. The flip side could be argued that I have no idea what it is like to be a single mom so I might just be all wet here... We do not live together but see each other almost every day, and have kids around the same age. Living together at some point is not out of the question but is a possibility in the future so obviously something like this is a concern. Do I talk to her about it, let it lie, try to help out, or something else? Am really not sure where to go with this. I would not advise you to try to discipline her kids or to tell her how to discipline her kids, but you could bring up the general topic of discipline for discussion purposes and give her your opinions on the subject and solicit hers. This is an important topic, and if a relationship together in the same house (preferably married) is ever to work out, you're going to have to be on the same page when it comes to discipline. I know a lot of marriages that have struggled for this very reason--the parents had very different ideas about how to dicipline their kids. Be sure to talk about this issue with her early on, because it is a very important one that could be a deal breaker in the future.
Author OriginalPenguin Posted July 26, 2011 Author Posted July 26, 2011 I think you are in a very complicated situation. Yes it is. Second, I am wondering if what you are seeing is that the mom is so overwhelmed with the teen's behavior that she doesn't know what to do. If she's too harsh, maybe she's afraid the girl will run away and that would be worse. If the girl is running the streets all hours and being excorted home by the cops, then maybe an outside agency needs to be involved to monitor the girl. I don't know, family therapy or something along those lines. She is very much worried about this and has let me know. I have tried to be supportive without crossing any lines, but she has a hard time with this and is struggling about being a failure and not knowing what to do. It is a strain on us because we do not have the same level of freedom to do things; and I have been trying my best to be understanding but I fear it may build frustration over time unless something changes. Ultimately, how she deals with her child is none of your business. I'd step bacck and see what happens, and consider walking away if the house hold can't be a serene law abiding place. I agree 100% and don't even presume to tell her how to do things. But that doesnt stop it from making her upset and indirectly that affects both of us. I feel so helpless here.... I would not advise you to try to discipline her kids or to tell her how to discipline her kids, but you could bring up the general topic of discipline for discussion purposes and give her your opinions on the subject and solicit hers. This is an important topic, and if a relationship together in the same house (preferably married) is ever to work out, you're going to have to be on the same page when it comes to discipline. I know a lot of marriages that have struggled for this very reason--the parents had very different ideas about how to dicipline their kids. Be sure to talk about this issue with her early on, because it is a very important one that could be a deal breaker in the future. Some very good points, thank you!
Recommended Posts