O_O Posted June 16, 2011 Posted June 16, 2011 Hi all, I'm just looking for a little insight to help me work through my recent break-up. The short version - I suspect I was a rebound, yet he seems to be immediately rebounding yet again, and I guess I'm questioning how much of our relationship was real. We're both in our late twenties. The longer version - I had a crush on this guy for months before anything happened, but he had a girlfriend and I wanted to respect that so I tried not to let on that I felt that way. We became facebook friends right before or right after he broke up with his ex, and he started commenting a lot on my profile and posting statuses that seemed to be indirect ways of trying to get my attention (ie, I mention one day that I want to go night sledding, he posts a few days later asking if anyone wants to go night sledding). I was actually kind of uncomfortable with it because I didn't know he'd broken up with his girlfriend, so I tried to keep the contact as casual as possible. When I found out about their breakup a few weeks later I admit that I was kind of excited about the chance to start something with him, but I was wary. Over the next two months I tried to hold him at arm's length, although he kept up fairly constant contact and we did hang out a few times. Finally I decided that I really did want to give it a shot, and we quickly made it official. Things were good for about four months, and then he started to distance himself. It was confusing and hurtful but I sterned myself for the end. Then he showed up at my door one morning nearly in tears, declaring that he knew he'd been distancing himself and he was sorry but he really did love me. Things were great for about another six weeks, lots more "I love you"s, and then he started to distance again for a week, culminating in snapping at me in anger and going out with a group of women his friend's wife introduced him to. He then told me he was too busy to talk about it, and basically ignored me for a week, and when I saw him flirting with one of the other women on facebook I decided I'd had enough and I'd break up with him (over IM, my bad, I know, but I was enraged and didn't want to scream or cry). He replied that he hadn't wanted to break up with me, he just needed some time and space, but maybe it was for the best. His facebook flirting behavior is now pretty much patterning what he did when he was trying to get my attention, only if anything it's much, much more blatant. I'm mostly upset because I really still don't know why he snapped like this in the first place, but I admit that it also does bother me that he was apparently lining up someone new before even breaking up with me! So, I think even though I tried to avoid it, I WAS the rebound. Personality-wise I'm the polar opposite from his previous ex, and in fact from the sounds of it from his other exes as well (I'm a quiet, nerdy engineer type, the ex was brash and bold and disliked anything vaguely nerdy or intellectual). Physically we're kind of similar, but not too close. This new girl looks a lot like his ex, and seems to have a very, very similar personality as well. I almost feel like he was trying to wipe the memory of his ex out by focusing so much on me, and now he's trying to wipe out the memory of both her AND me with this new girl who is so much more like her. It's confusing as hell, and it hurts to think about because he's the first guy who ever told me he loved me. I believed him, and I loved him too. I want that to be real, but some part of me is convinced that I meant nothing to him, I was just a pawn in his own emotional game. Any thoughts? Insights? Suggestions on how to deal with this and move on?
Annalisa Posted June 16, 2011 Posted June 16, 2011 Hi, I broke up with my ex almost 3 months ago. I've just recently moved on and am now seeing someone else. So is my ex. The girl he's seeing is nothing like me and the guy I'm seeing is nothing like my ex. I guess it's too early to tell if the people we're seeing now are rebounds or not. But the reason I'm seeing this new guy is because he's the opposite of my ex. From my point of view, he's not a rebound. I'm dating him because he's so different from my ex. My ex showed me that there are qualities I don't want in a boyfriend. My ex and I are still friends and he told me that he thinks dating this new girl will help him get over me. I went through a period where I tortured myself by Facebook stalking this new girl and wondering if they'd actually gotten together before my ex and I broke up, since they became "Facebook official" so soon. But you know what? Over time, it all doesn't matter. Now it doesn't matter to me whether he started seeing her before we broke up or just after we broke up or whenever. It doesn't matter if she's a fling or a rebound or his future wife. It doesn't matter because I know that our break up was the right thing to do and if not for that, I wouldn't be able to date this new guy. So my advice is to do your grieving, lean on your friends, then put yourself out there and start meeting new people! Once you're happy with yourself and who you are, people will enjoy being with you because you're fun and happiness is contagious. Then the guys will flock around, don't worry. Like you, my ex was the first guy to tell me he loved me. But he said it on our third date, when he hardly even knew me. So I used to wonder if he really loved me. I used to wonder if I meant anything, since he'd moved on so soon. But now it doesn't matter. I've let go and moved on. When you've let go and moved on, it won't matter whether you were the rebound or a "pawn in his emotional game". Remember that you broke up with him for a reason. Remember that you deserve better. What's important now is to work on yourself. Become a better version of the "you" that you were before you met him. Delete him off Facebook (I didn't do that until I'd seen that he's in a new relationship, and by then it had cost me a lot of hurt and pain). Focus on yourself because you deserve better. And there are so many guys out there that you shouldn't have to settle. Much as you loved your ex, you always have to love yourself more. Here's my story, if you're interested. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t282830/ I hope reading this post helps you, at least a little bit. When you're down in the dumps, the only way to go is up! Stay strong ok? Take care and love yourself!
Recommended Posts