That_girl Posted June 16, 2011 Posted June 16, 2011 I sit at home alone tonight....yet again. And while I've been trying to keep myself busy, keeping myself is tiring!! I just want to curl up with my ex and watch a movie together. I keep thinking that things weren't as bad I had thought. So what if my ex cheated, was abusive, and controlling? No one's perfect! (Okay seriously....I know better than that). Why does my mind do this? I know that I don't want someone like that as a partner, but I feel like it's better than nothing. Most of my friends have boyfriends, and everytime I want to hang out....they're with their boyfriends. I can't believe I feel this ****ty 3 months in....I never felt like this when I was the one being dumped in my previous relationship. Being the dumper makes you constantly feel guilty and miserable. I had no choice in the matter, I couldn't stay with him- I truly believe that the abuse would have gotten worse and worse. Eventually he probably would have hit me. Three months in and I just got an amazing job, I'm independent, I'm going back to school and getting a new place. All of this incredible stuff happened in such a short span of time- BUT I still feel like ****. I hate that I'm allowing this one person to trump all of my success and good feelings. But the loneliness is unbearable sometimes. I want to be strong, and I want to maintain NC. But I almost feel like the one rejected at this point because he hasn't realized everything he put me through. Truth is, I've been doing some recollecting and kinda feel like I made some pretty big mistakes in that relationship sooner. I should have left the second I found he cheated, but I didn't. I've never experienced infidelity before so I thought I might be able to handle it. But I couldn't ever trust him. And his constant criticisms just made the cheating even worse. I always felt worthless...like that I wasn't good enough for him on my own. He had to had something else, something better. He did TRY to gain my trust, he just couldnt go about it in the right ways....and I ended up stringing him along with my indecision. Finally I gave up....and I know he was probably hurt because of it. He had his own abandonment issues. But I needed to do what was right for me. So why can't I just ENJOY THAT NOW?? I hate this, I keep thinking about his body, his lips and how beautiful he was. I want to die sometimes, really.
JR2315 Posted June 16, 2011 Posted June 16, 2011 I hate this, I keep thinking about his body, his lips and how beautiful he was. I want to die sometimes, really. And why would you want to die?!?!! youre definitely just going to rob someone of their soulmate . This guy sounds like a jerk, you deserve someone who treats you with as much love and respect that you give. I know it can be extremely hard when youre at home all by yourself and you really do miss their company. But from what youve described you seem to only want the physical interaction rather than the emotional support from him (if any).
Damia Posted June 16, 2011 Posted June 16, 2011 Oh girl you are so better off without him. Try writing yourself a list of the bad/good things about your old yucky relationship. If you are any thing like me the bad list will be 3x longer than the good list. You deserve someone who values you.In the meantime hold your head up high you are a great person.Do stuff you like to do ,hang with people you like to be with. celebrate your achievements because they are yours you never no what or who is around the next corner. Be kind to yourself stay positive
dangerstranger Posted June 17, 2011 Posted June 17, 2011 Three months in and I just got an amazing job, I'm independent, I'm going back to school and getting a new place. All of this incredible stuff happened in such a short span of time... When all of this great stuff is happening, now would be the worst time to take such a huge step backwards. Things are looking up, why invite an abusive guy back into your life? He cheated and he treated you badly- you were smart enough, and strong enough to leave that situation- why in the world would you leap back into a pit like that?
RuinedLife Posted June 17, 2011 Posted June 17, 2011 Do you ever feel like you're bothering people too much after your break-up? In response to your title - Yes, constantly. Its been over 5 months for me and I still love my ex more than ever, still feel empty, worthless, hopeless all the things. Still hate myself for triggering my break up. I didn't really want it to happen but we had a huge argumenet and my ex bf quickly drifted away from me after that. I just feel so rejected and full of self hatred for triggering my break up all the time, struggle with severe depression and anxiety issues, insomnia and lack of appetite or motivation to do anything. And I feel so lonely because I'm isolated due to my illness, can barely get out of bed most days and the fact that I have no other friends (other than the virtual friends I've made on here and its just not the same). So needless to say, as I'm sure many on here will testify to, I bug people endlessly about my break up. I'm lucky to have my family around me but they are completely sick of me and my distress, and so I come here looking for comfort. Its just not the same though. Not even close. Anyway, sorry to go on about it yet again. I just wanted to know that you are not alone in still feeling that heartbreak pain. But in your situation definitely sounds like you are much much better off without your ex, if he cheated on you and abused you so. I know sometimes life seems hollow and lonely when you think back to all the happy times and miss your ex, but try to focus on the bad times and the reasons why you had to leave and the relationship was bad for you (sounds like there were many in your case). And remember we are all here to support each other. So if ever you feel bad just keep posting.
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